"You think that holding someone hard will bring them closer. You think that you can hold them so hard that you'll still feel them, embossed on you, when you pull away. Every time Eleanor pulled away from Park, she felt the gasping loss of him."
Rainbow Rowell
My hands were trembling as I rushed down the empty hall of the hospital, Simon trying to keep pace with me. A call from a nurse had informed me that my brother was due to wake up soon. My heart had inflated at the thought of seeing him awake but my mind disagreed. How would he react to the news that he couldn't walk again much less play the greatest sport in the world? I decided to just be glad that he was alright. Anything that came after was up to god.
Room 12C. I stood at the closed door, hoping my breaths could come out steady. Simon rubbed my shoulder and at the feel of his touch, I released a small sob and slipped inside the room. The walls were a boring white and in the center of the plain space was Jace, his golden eyes flickering towards us. I darted forward and caught at his hand, the tears I had locked in my orbs finally dropped down my cheeks. I was aware of Simon behind me and the machines plugged into my Jace, but I didn't care. I was with my brother. When I glanced to his face, his eyes wouldn't meet mine. He was staring at the ceiling, his lips pursed. "Jace?" I called out hesitantly. "Are...you alright?"
I realized it was a ridiculous question as I uttered the words. Of course he wasn't alright. He was paralyzed from the waist down. He wouldn't play hockey again. He wouldn't run. He wouldn't walk. In a way, he was less human than we were. "I'm sorry." I whispered. I didn't know why I was apologizing. Just that I felt I had to.
He turned to me then and his jaw was clenched tight. My brother didn't look the same. His eyes were hooded, so dark but still luminous. "Get out." It was a low mumble but I had heard him and I dropped his hand, warmth leaving my body immediately. Simon tensed from where he was standing.
"What?" My voice cracked and I sniffled, wiping the tip of my nose quickly. Somehow, I had expected something much more than this. My chest felt hollow, like I lacked oxygen to fuel my lungs.
"Leave, Iz." And I stumbled backwards, Simon catching at my elbow. I knew I was silently weeping but I couldn't stop staring at him. There were dark circles underneath his eyes. His chest was rising and falling slowly. His tawny hair was still long and curled behind his ears. He looked like Jace to me. My baby brother.
I left the room and buried my head into the crook of Simon's neck. He smelled like berries and sweet coffee. "He's just getting accustomed to the news. Obviously, he's angry. What do you expect? Give him time, Iz. Give him time." I nodded and he led me down the stairs where we could grab a bite to eat for breakfast and call relatives. Nothing felt the same. I wondered if anything would feel the same again.
xx
I slowly blinked my eyes and tried to adjust them to the sunlight pouring from the bedroom window. I released a short breath and dropped my head deeper into my pillow. I turned slightly to meet Jordon's slumbering face. His eyelashes fluttered every so often. His tendrils of hair were wavelike and lapped over his forehead. I brought my fingers and brushed them along his cheeks down to his collarbone. He leaned into me almost as if he didn't notice his movements and I beamed, pressing a tender kiss just below his eye.
I rose from the bed and tugged a sheet over my bare body. I slipped into the bathroom, turned the shower switch on and ducked underneath the heated water. The hot steam made me feel like was suffocating so I pressed my head against the glass door to breathe. I didn't realize my eyes were wet until they began to sting horribly. I slapped the faucet off and slumped onto the wall behind me. I cried silently and knew for certain that it was for Jace. Somehow, my chest ached for the guy I once loved. I didn't know exactly why. I rinsed my face quickly and pulled a towel around my body. I wondered how Isabelle was feeling. I needed to call her. Make sure she and Simon were holding up okay.
The apartment Jordon and I were renting was pretty decent for its price. Two bedrooms and a bath. We didn't really use the second room and usually stuffed storage there.
I stepped over Jordon's clothing on the ground and rolled my eyes. He was always messy even here in America. "Mornin' love." He sat rubbing his eyelids, a small smile on his lips. I gave him a shy wave, self-conscious that I was naked despite what we had done the night before. "You look ravishing." I laughed and my shoulders relaxed. I sauntered over to the side of the bed and sat beside him, our sides touching. Water dripped from my wet hair and clung onto my chest.
Jordon kissed my temple, his mouth lingering on the spot for a few long moments. "Want to visit Jace later? Make sure he's alright?" The question made me sniffle like a baby. No boyfriend in the entire world would ask his girlfriend to check on an ex. I was lucky. "Oh, come on. Don't cry on me now. What's wrong?" He grabbed my arms away from my face to look at me and the towel keeping me covered fell slowly but surely.
I laughed, wiping my eyes hastily. "Boys are such perverts." Jordon's cheeks colored but he nuzzled his face into my neck. I played with his hair, my other arm tucked around his waist. I sighed. "I love you, J."
He turned my body towards his, placing me atop his lap. My wet hair touched his chest and he shut his eyes as if just being near me was enough. When his orbs focused on me again, they were a bright hazel. Mixing with lime and the sun. His lips brushed mine, soft and tentative. I lifted my hands around his neck and he moaned, a deep sound that caused goosebumps to form on my chest. His tongue teased the seam of my lips and I pecked his chin then the tip of his nose. Jordon pulled away, panting, his mouth red and swollen. We stared at each other, him in awe and me in adoration. I stood and walked to the closet. "Come on, Jordon. Get ready." He shook his head to himself but he was grinning nonetheless.
xx
When we arrived at the hospital, Jordon opted to stay behind and give me time to at least talk to Jace. "I'll only be a few minutes." I reassured him. He nodded and I flicked his chest before taking the elevator upwards.
In the moments where I waited for the mechanical doors to open, my fingers tapped nervously against my lap. I bit my lip and walked towards the room then spotted the sign clinging on the rectangular knob.
Visitors not welcome due to patient request
My eyebrows knit and I considered turning away and leaving but a burst of courage welled up inside of me and I pushed open the door, quickly shutting it quietly behind me so that the nurses wouldn't catch me. "Such an idiot." I mumbled to myself, softly smacking my forehead at the thought of potentially getting kicked out.
I whirled around and my lips parted. My hold on the doorknob loosened and fell limply to my side. "Jace?" He was staring at me, the light reflecting on his face. He looked tired and hopeless. No expression of greeting spoke out to me. I inched closer and when our hands were close enough to touch, I stopped.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't believe we were in the same space, breathing the same air, yet we both didn't utter a word. My green eyes went wide and the auburn hair tucked carefully behind my ears fell forward. "You look a lot better than me." He said, but his voice was dark and not humorous at all. I started to cry. I didn't hide the tears this time. My weakness was evident.
"I miss you." I said before I could stop myself. His breathing went rigid for a second. I pulled a chair from the back corner and heard it screech against the floor providing some sort of sound in the silent room.
He stared at me and I could tell he was trying to decipher my emotions. I shook my head, telling him mentally: No, you can't. I can't even tell you how I feel. "You came when I first woke up?"
The question surprised me and I nodded numbly. Jace looked away. It occurred to me that he appeared incredibly sad. I had never seen him like this. Not in all the time I had loved him. "I should go." I said, feeling there was no need for me to be in the room. I couldn't comfort him.
"Clary?" He called, his voice strained this time. I glanced back at him. "I don't think-I don't think I'll be the same again." I sucked in a shuddering breath. Let out a strangled cry and without thinking, hurtled myself towards the bed. I wrapped my arms around his chest and I could smell sunshine and morning breeze. I heard him take sharp intakes of breath before I could catch a glimpse of his glistening eyes.
For all the years I had spent with Jace, he had never cried. In all the arguments and even full on fights, he never gave in. Now, I watched as his face crumbled. He tried to hold in his tears by taking large gulps of air. His hand fisted from where it held strands of my hair. I listen to the rapid beats of his heart against my ears. "Shit." He muttered, his tone regretful and suddenly hard. He pushed me roughly away from him as if I was burning his skin. I stayed, a few feet away from him, in disbelief.
He turned away from me and if you looked close enough, really close, you'd notice his shoulders still shaking.
xx
[Summer's here. All stories will be updated. I'll post a schedule soon on my bio! Review]
