Chapter Six
Alice made me promise that I would contact Edward as soon as possible before she left. I tried to convince myself that I would but I think she knew I was lying. How does one tell their ex that they are having their baby? Maybe they have a book: How to ruin your ex's life with two simple words for dummies.
Perhaps in the book they would have picture diagrams of a text message, a letter one could write to their lost love. Maybe even a frame by frame of a conversation the person would have with the poor soul. Instead of attempting to maintain what little dignity I had left in this town, I sat in front of my computer and googled the fucking topic.
How to tell someone their going to be a daddy?
I gave up after the third story of women cooking baby back ribs, baby carrots and other foods that started with the word baby. There were stories of women hiding the pregnancy test so that their partner would 'accidentally' find it. The last one before I slammed my lap top shut and ran from my room like it was on fire was about a woman using body paint to write something along the lines of; I'm with baby.
Charlie didn't even bother asking me if I was alright as I whipped around the kitchen preparing dinner. Cooking had become a sort of safe harbor for me since I was little. Renee would leave me home alone more often than not so in order to survive I began experimenting with odd items in the fridge. After melting a few bowls and permanently dying the stove black instead of its immaculate white my mother decided to enroll me into a cooking class after school. I couldn't tell if it was for her benifit or mine because she had gotten a call at work when I blew up the microwave and didn't even come home to check on me when the firefighters told her there was hardly any damage to the dilapidated apartment we lived in or myself.
One would think my mother cared, putting me in a class that she knew I would enjoy. Instead it gave her reason to not have to pick me up from junior high and I would be fed before I took the city bus home alone. Thanks to mommy dearest I was one hell of a cook by the time I made it to Forks in high school. Charlie thoroughly enjoyed my cooking skills, making it home from work every night in time for dinner and offering to go grocery shopping with me at the drop of a hat.
Banging around in the kitchen took my mind off of everything going on in my life and if creating an awesome dinner and a simply delicious desert from scratch for Charlie and myself kept me from thinking about the inevitable, then so be it.
While whipping together a chocolate mousse so rich and decadent your teeth hurt just thinking about it my mind wondered to the child nestled in my womb.
What would they look like?
Would they be smart?
What would he or she be when they grew up?
Would I be enough for them?
Would they grow up to resent me for choosing what I thought was best for them?
Would they learn from my mistakes?
A hand coming from my side turned the counter mixer off and grabbed my shoulder but my thoughts were too messed up to bring me out of it.
"Bella?" Charlie asked.
I had to grow up without my father because of my mother's choices. Was I really going to do this to my baby? Was I going to keep him or her away from their father just because I couldn't handle his or her father's resentment just as my mother couldn't handle my father's occupation?
"Bella baby. Your scaring me." Charlie cried as I continued to fight my inner demons.
I was ruining the baby's life before it even had a chance to live, before it was even born. Because I was afraid, my child was going to be without his or her father. Because of me I was a monster. If my child grew to hate me, it would be my fault. All my fault.
"Bella damn it." Charlie shook my shoulders roughly bringing me back to reality.
"The baby is going to hate me. It's all my fault." I sobbed.
"What?" he cried clutching me to his chest.
"I have to tell Edward. Tonight. I have to go. I can't." I cried. "I have to go now."
"Bella you're not going anywhere." Charlie growled holding me back from running to the door. "It's too late and I think you're sick."
"I have to." I sobbed. "You don't understand. My baby is going to hate me like I hated Renee. I can't take them away from him like this."
"I know baby. It's about time you came to your senses but your revelation is scaring the shit out of me. Just calm down and I'll go with you to see him tomorrow." Charlie held me as he talked calmly. "What's one more day baby?"
"Your right. One more day." I sniffed. "I'm going to bed."
"Bella you have to eat dinner." Charlie whispered.
"I'm not hungry. I'll see you in the morning." I croaked.
"Bel-"
"I said I wasn't hungry. I ate a late lunch so just let me be." I silently begged.
He left me alone for the rest of the night. I cried into my pillow until the darkness consumed me. My sleep was full of dreams. In my dreams Edward had never sent me the text to meet him at the coffee shop. We were happy, still in love and still together.
I'm not sure if in my dreams Edward knew about the baby, or if I was even pregnant but I knew that when I woke up it was going to hurt. Possibly worse than I had before I fell asleep. Edward grabbed my hand as we walked down the street in the middle of the day. I spun around asking him what was wrong when put his hand under my chin and leaned down to ki-
"Bella sweetie. It's noon." Charlie's gruff voice brought me out of my dream.
I was right, it hurt worse. A lot worse.
"I figured I would wake you up if you wanted to still go today." He said softly patting my leg.
"Yes." I rasped, my voice dry from sleep. "Just let me get dressed."
"I'll take you on one condition Bells. You have to eat something before we go. I can't allow you to go like this, it's not healthy for you or my grandbaby. I won't sit idly by and watch you hurt yourself or your baby."
As if on cue my stomach growled loudly and baby kicked me in the bladder earning a small yelp from me as I jumped up.
"Alright let me change." I said rushing to the bathroom.
I could hear him chuckling to himself as I slammed the door shut.
After eating a hearty breakfast of leftover dinner from last night and two helpings of mousse Charlie and I got in my car and headed towards Edward.
I could feel my hands shake as we drove down the highway, my entire being was in tuned to Edward, even after all of this time I could feel the familiar pull to him and knew we would find him soon. After all of this time, the first thing I wanted to do was run into his arms and make him tell me that everything would be alright.
We pulled up in front of the small house Edward and I rented together. I hadn't seen it in over a month and a half. It's lawn was completely overgrown, the paint a dirty grey from where it hadn't been pressure washed, something that needed to be done bi weekly in the rainy state. Edward's silver Volvo sat in the driveway haphazardly. Instead of being sparkling clean it was dusty, dirty where it hadn't been washed in a long time. Edward's car was his baby, there were times in highschool where I beleived he loved that thing more than me. It was usually extremely clean and detailed.
"Bella are you okay?" Charlie asked grabbing my hand.
"Yeah, I'm fine."I said softly. "Can you just wait here?"
"Sure, let me know if you need anything." He said pulling out a folder that I didn't know he brought with him. "I figured you would just want me for company for the ride so I brought a few documents I needed to fill out for the station. Take your time."
"Thank you dad." I whispered before opening the door.
I stood up and pulled the dark green sweater down. I chose to go with looser fitting clothes so that it wouldn't be obvious. I didn't want the first thing he saw to be my pregnant belly.
Charlie coughed bringing me out of my thoughts and I closed the door before walking slowly up the driveway. The closer I got to the house the colder it felt. It's once warming welcome was now cold and desolate.
I walked up to the door and noticed the small rock with the hide away key was still sitting where we had agreed to leave it. Beside the over grown shrub that still sat across from the door, it's leaves long dead from not being brought in at night during the cold weather.
I thought about using the hide a key but instead raised my hand and knocked softly before waiting.
After a minute I knocked again just a little louder and waited.
I waited ten minutes knocking louder every other minute before giving up. Feeling defeated I began walking back to my car, shoulders slumped.
I had just made it past the small homemade stepping stones Edward and I had made together when we finally got settled when the door opened and I heard him.
"Bella?" his voice was just the same but I could detect a hint of sadness and longing.
"Edward." I whispered before turning around.
"Is it really you?" he asked.
His hair was longer from where it hadn't been cut. His face covered with a beard and mustache. His eyes were sad, dark circles hung under them like heavy clouds and I could tell he had lost weight.
Perhaps he hurt just as much as I did while we were apart.
"Bella." He sighed walking towards me and pulling me into his arms.
A month and a half, I had been away from him. Ninety seven days I had been without his arms around me. Without his breath on my neck. Without hearing him sigh my name.
I cried as I hugged him tightly keeping my bottom half as far away from him as possible as I cried and sobbed. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and I felt at home.
I had dreamed of finding Edward once again. Of waking up one day and everything being a lie, in which we had never drifted apart due to my carelessness. I lifted my hand to his face attempting to memorize it. For all I knew this could be the very last time I ever got to touch him I wanted to make sure it was worth it. Every last touch, every last caress.
I would hold it all dear to my heart.
"I missed you so much." Edward whispered, his eyes filled with tears.
I couldn't speak.
My brain fought against everything in me, knowing the second I opened my mouth I would ruin it all.
"Bella?" his eyes grew curious.
I decided that if I was going to hurt as much as I was going to when this was over I might as well walk away with as much as I could. I pulled his face to mind and kissed him, silently telling him that I would always love him no matter what.
Baby kicked me as if they knew I was extremely happy yet very sad at the same time.
This is your daddy baby. I thought as my tongue forced its way into Edward's mouth.
He tasted just how I remembered, he smelled even better. I allowed my hands to braid into his long locks as we kissed passionately. My heart was breaking as I felt his hands roam my back in an effort to pull me closer to him.
He was about to ruin it.
Everything.
"I love you." He gasped before kissing me again and finally managing to pull me into him fully.
I felt him freeze as he felt my stomach nudge him in the hips.
His mouth stopped moving against mine and he grabbed my hips tenderly, pulling me away from him.
"Bella." He gasped.
