HELLO, EVERYBODY! How long has it been...two months... two months... WAIT, TWO MONTHS?! That should be illegal. I AM SO SORRY! ONWARDS!


Chapter Seven: Perseus the Not- Awful, Part One:


Hello, again, my fellow mythologically obsessed! Since we are done with the guards, we shall be moving onto the heroes...

Lord have mercy.

So I decided to start out with Perceus since he seems the "cleanest". We'll be going in a "cleanest" to "demented" order. So Perseus and Belleraphon first, and Oedipus and Hercules last. With a couple in between.

Le me get one thing straight before we start: Greek people thought heroes where people who suffered ALOT and still survived... Usually after slaying some random creature ravaging the countryside, BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THEY EVER DID!

Prepare to throw away all knowledge of the Clash of The Titans series and be disturbed!

So, shall we dance?

Get it?

*silence*

I need more friends.

Anywho, the story starts out with Acrisius, king of a country no one knows or will ever hear of again, and his super hot daughter, Danae. Because in Greek Mythology, if you can't have a princess looking like a NORMAL PERSON! All must be models. Victoria Secret Angels.

King Acrisius goes to the Oracle of Delphi, because... he had nothing better to do, I guess? And finds out that his grandson will kill him.

Lemme tell you a couple things about the oracle: She was like a telephone line to the gods, specifically Apollo. If you ever needed advice, you go to her. What the Greeks didn't know, was that her temple was built over a REALLY LARGE deposit of methane gas, which will get you stoned with enough exposure.

So, all these kings and generals were getting their advice from a crack-head.

Nice move, Greeks!

And one more thing: Going to the Oracle and expecting to get a good prophecy is like punching Vin Dieseland the Rock in the face, throwing water on some Extremis soldiers, hunting Elsa because of her ice powers, throwing poop at Joffery, giving everyone weapons, and then transporting all of those scenarios to the Red Wedding.

Now do you think that these people will take the time to sort out their differences, like normal people? Keep in mind, this is Westros, we're talking about.

Nahh! And if you thought "yes", get out from under the rock you're living in!

Acrisius gets super angry at his virgin daughter for even thinking about her future so, he went into defense mode.

Let me get sidetracked again. For all you girls out there, if you're a child, then why are you reading this? and if you're an adult, well you were a teenager once. Remember when you were with your parents and you talked to a boy?

Doesn't matter what it was for. You could be asking for directions to the bathroom, but when you come back, your parents either get dramatic, and bombard you with annoying questions that you will probably answer "no" to all of them, or they will give you a lecture on safety around dangerous, horomonal teenage boys, as if we were two year olds.

Can I get an Amen?!

What Acrisius does if even worse than what your parents could ever do. He built a bronze tower with only one tiny window so Danae couldn't have kids. Like Rapunzel.

I think that greek myths are just a "What Not To Do" guide with parents.

So Danae is sad. Being locked up in a cell for the rest of your life is not fun. But then one day, Zeus looks at her, and instantly wants to do "naughty things" with her. So he beams himself like Spock from Star Trek: Into Darkness, into her room, and they began talking...

Sure.

One thing led to another, and Danae gets pregnant. Acrisius figures that out after the child is born, and since only a god could get in and out of that window, he can't kill it.

HAHAHAHA! Like that's gonna stop him from being a bad parent! He decides to lock his daughter and his child in a box, and throw it into the sea, so if they die, it's Poseidon's fault.

How did this guy become king again? He's like, a pyschopath? Who kills their own children?


PART TWO WILL BE UP SOON! I thought it would be better to update half a chapter, than none at all. The Real Story is coming up soon!

Thanks,

Soprano