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As things turned out, Inuyasha would go looking for Miroku.
Possibly because Inuyasha might just be osuwari'ed to death if he did not.
Also possibly because Kaede had insisted she not go anywhere except back inside. Not that that would've ever stopped her, but Kirara had taken Kaede's side, growling protectively and shaking her head whenever Sango had even looked at her like she wanted to fly. Given Kaede, Kagome, and now even Kirara's conspiring to keep her back, she'd been forced to give up on pursuing Miroku herself, and just watch as Kagome and Inuyasha did it instead.
Sango saw them off, leaning against Kirara in the doorway of Kaede's home, blanket drawn around her shoulders and shivering in the early morning light. She watched the pair fade into the mist, Kagome having promised her they'd be back as soon as they found him- Inuyasha, muttering something about jewel shards and Naraku being very likely to intervene in that little plan, but just quiet enough to not draw Kagome's wrath.
And even when they had gone, she still sat outside, leaning against her beloved cat. The fresh air did her good, she supposed, after so many days of being bedridden and immobile; she'd been left restless, and it felt nice to be outside again. A reminder that there was a world outside the tiny private nightmare she'd shared with Miroku since the Tessou had come, and their, her experience, no matter how devastating, was only one small piece of their world.
Then, she frowned at herself. That didn't sound like her. The humbling big picture, the abstract and conceptual rather the concrete and proven? That didn't sound like her at all.
Sango sighed, rubbing her hand along along the back of Kirara's neck. "It's that Houshi-sama," she muttered. "He talks like this... rubbed off on me, I suppose. Ne, Kirara?"
Kirara meowed sadly, her big head nudging against her gently in silent companionship, and Sango sighed, scratching her again.
She curled against Kirara, still looking out over the village. The anger from before remained, but as a simmering fire now instead of a burning fury, and it made her uncomfortable rather than uncontrollable. To sit here restlessly, no way to work it off- she just did not like it. "I shouldn't be so angry in the first place," she muttered to herself, irritated. "I don't own him. He can leave if he so wants to. ...I wish he'd told me, said goodbye, and I'm worried, but... but he had no obligation to stay. After everything that's happened, I'm still concerned, of course... I know he's not handling- what happened- well. I'm not either. But if he doesn't want to be here then... then I guess have no right to make him stay."
It made sense, in her head.
Yes- perfectly logical.
And, entirely ineffective against the well of despair and anger still inside her.
Sango breathed out quietly, saddened again, and gave Kirara another gentle pat. She wanted him here. She didn't care how difficult and awkward it had become when they'd at last been alone together. She didn't care how complete and raw their shared anguish grew when they had found themselves alone in that clearing by the village, and then in Kaede's home. She wanted him here.
That pain felt infinitely preferable to the numb ache that gripped her now. The loneliness that didn't have a cure or even a treatment- sadness that was eased only by the presence of another.
In the days after Naraku had entered her life only to destroy it, the physical injuries had been terrible- but the worst pain of all had been loneliness. Waking up to see perhaps Inuyasha keeping watch in the corner, or Miroku mixing salves, always a presence of some kind but then unfamiliar ones- but never what she was used to. Never her father. Never Kohaku. Never her family.
And the worst pain then, her father being dead and she believing Kohaku was as well, had been the sheer loneliness. Knowing that they would never be there next to her again.
Sango sighed tremulously, curling closer to Kirara, drawing on her for comfort again. Somewhere along the way, Miroku and the others had become close enough to her to erase that feeling. Perhaps her family couldn't be by her side anymore, but people who cared about her could, and were. They, and hope that Kohaku could someday be hers once again, kept her going.
But that wasn't enough right now.
Because, this time, it wasn't a hurt that the rest of their group could understand.
This time, it was something that was strictly between her and Miroku- and something she needed him there for.
Kirara mewed mournfully, as if she could feel her sadness emanating like an aura, and Sango forced a weak smile. "Maybe he just feels differently," she confessed to the dawn, stroking Kirara's back. "I need him here... maybe he needs to be away." She bit her lip then, looking down. The fact that she felt he shouldn't be alone right now- that now, more than ever, was when he should have someone with him, shouldn't be relevant.
Kirara growled at that, bristling protectively, and Sango gave a genuine grin. "No, Kirara, don't. You don't need to hunt him down." She rubbed her back soothingly until the cat calmed, still looking distantly into the dawn.
The facts of it were simple, no matter how muddled and confused she felt.
Right now, she was hurt. Right now, she wanted Miroku here with her.
Right now, Miroku was hurt. And, evidently, right now, Miroku didn't want to be with her.
That was all that mattered.
She shut her eyes miserably, crestfallen.
She had no doubt she hadn't misevaluated the strength of their relationship- whatever their relationship was. Miroku hadn't been able to stop the Tessou in slaughtering those innocent villagers, he'd barely managed to delay him in fighting Inuyasha- but he'd achieved bringing the Tessou to a halt when he'd only been moments away from killing her? He cared for her. Greater than anyone else.
But, after what the Tessou had made him do...
Sango found herself covering her chest and shuddered in sheer revulsion, trembling in the face of the memory. The Tessou had breached a line Miroku had yet to cross. He had gone into territory that was foreign even to him... and Miroku, trapped but aware, had seen her in a state she didn't want to ever be seen by anyone. He'd seen her achingly vulnerable, trapped and helpless, and she'd seen him, hands searching and wandering cruelly and violently. No matter who had been in control it'd been impossible for her not to see Miroku moving in, touching her, pushing her, fingers searching invasively, again that disgusting feeling, word, of violation...
Sango buried her head in Kirara's back, choking back a sob.
She wanted Miroku there. But now? Would he actually make her feel better? She looked at him and on some level she remembered what he'd been forced to do. But in her memories, it wasn't a black demon she saw crouched over her, it was him. And on that same level, being with him right now hurt. It just hurt.
Even though she wanted him there- that didn't mean it was best. For either of them.
Perhaps it hurt him, as well.
She hugged Kirara closer, her heart breaking. She wanted Miroku there with her more than anything, but after what had happened between them- perhaps that closeness she so longed for simply no longer existed. Of course his possession and what the Tessou had done would make it harder- maybe it was just too difficult now. Too impossible to navigate through the emotional wounds and the aching hurts to find what they'd once had before.
Perhaps, this was how it ended.
This. This distant, painful as fire separation, the Tessou dead but his spirit still between them in a way that could never be changed. Miroku, unable to accept what he'd been made to do, to others and to her- and she, unable to forget Miroku's hands reaching, Miroku's eyes gleaming, Miroku's face contorted in a chilling cruelty as he clawed down her spine and felt her breast.
Perhaps this was it.
This time, Sango actually did sob.
Kirara crawled closer to her in instantaneous shared grief, rubbing her head warmly against her shoulder without even understanding what was wrong. Shaking hard, Sango fumbled herself onto her cat's back, locking an arm around her and burying her head in her fur, trying to block out the despair that was growing.
"Kirara," she gasped when she could speak, eyes still shut tight, "take me- take me-" Her frantic speech stopped abruptly without conclusion, mind racing to find or claim any place, anywhere at all, that would bring peace or at the very least isolation. Her thoughts hit the nearby lake nearby and she spoke without thinking, burying her head in Kirara's neck. "Take me to the waterfall near here!"
Take me away from here.
Take me to where I can be alone.
Take me to a place in which I can forget.
Forget... everything.
And Kirara, dutiful cat that she was, obeyed.
Miroku, if this is the end- if that is what you intended to say by leaving...
She still loved him.
And, she believed he still loved her.
But the Tessou had taken them and moved them to a place where pain could eclipse even that.
Miroku sat calmly, cross-legged, in the sacred pool, head tilted back against the rocky cliffside. The hot water lapped up against his shoulders, and he gazed down into it, blinking tiredly. The wounds left by Hiraikotsu wavered on his torso as a bruised rainbow, black and red and purple and blue beaten as closer to a macabre painting than injuries- injuries that intrigued him more than anything else.
"The way this is going," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, "this purifying myself is going to turn into me falling asleep here. ...Not that I'm much motivated to change that..."
He shifted slightly, distorting the watery vision of the long arc of bruises on his chest, and Miroku sighed painfully. He only very vaguely remembered receiving the wound at all. Then he'd still been very confused and alarmed- before the enormity of the situation had hit him and he'd understood what was happening, and he'd just had this hazy view of his body moving against his will, saying things he didn't understand, and himself, trapped behind bars and without choice or freedom.
Miroku forced another slow, meant to be calming breath that didn't accomplish its goal at all, and sank deeper into the scared water.
It stung, both on open wounds and on the remnants of miasma and blood still on him. He gritted his teeth, watching through narrowed eyes as the holy powers of the pool attacked the remains of possession that had lingered behind. There were likely vestiges of the Tessou still inside him now, he realized, and the spiritual power of the water attacked even there, leaving him feeling raw and exposed- and, yet... still unclean.
Miroku spread his fingers beneath the water, staring down at them through the hazy steam and shifting surface. There remained blackened dirt and blood dried under his fingernails and when he blinked, it wavered to become a dripping scarlet glove of suffering and torture.
His stomach turned, and Miroku very quickly found himself scratching at the blood that remained even underwater, even the sight of it nauseating and painful enough to necessitate it. The purifying power of the water still hurt, and now, it, too, felt necessary.
He didn't believe in gods. Buddhism had no gods. But, now, he prayed.
Whatever gods that may exist, please, hear my words.
Release the souls I stole from life from torture and give them peace. Release my soul from its torment, and my body from the bounds of blood I drew. Release Sango from what torture she endured at my hands, and give her the peace that she deserves.
Release us all, gods, from what torment exists in mortal life, and give us all what little peace that mortals can attain.
The heat of purification rose around him, mist and steam with it until he felt lightheaded. Even then, Miroku remained nearly submerged, forcing his breaths to calm against the white pain growing in his chest.
"Release us all, gods," he whispered, "from what torment exists in mortal life, and give us all... what little peace th-that... mortals can..."
Darkness fell, Hachi cried out distantly in alarm, and the dizziness slipped into unconsciousness as Miroku fell.
"...attain..."
He did not move, even when he splashed limply into the water, face first.
Sango lowered herself into the cool lake, unable to stop herself from shivering at the temperature. She sank weakly and delicately into the depths, freeing her hair from its already loose braid and shaking it out behind her, carefully moving forward step by step until the water had gone from knees to her neck.
There, she sighed one shuddering breath that made the surface of the lake before her tremble.
There had been a lake like this, near her home. There, she had taught Kohaku how to swim.
Fresh tears rose at the bittersweet memory, and she ducked her head, exhaling painfully again before bowing to entirely submerge her head. The pressure filled in around her and forced her to focus- forced her to think.
What little childhood they had shared together, her so busy training, had so often been spent at that lake. It had started as her teaching him how to swim but in the end, it had simply been a way for them to be alone. Many sun-baked days she had passed lying on the shore while Kohaku splashed and played... their space alone together, a slice of beautiful peace in what had already been heaven.
Her heart ached with longing, and she kicked weakly in the water, gently floating up and down as the waves of the waterfall rippled.
Now, Kohaku wasn't here. Now, she was alone.
Completely.
Tears rose again, and she wrapped her arms around herself, sinking deeper into the lake.
It was likely no accident or mere coincidence she remembered this place as one that could've brought some modicum of comfort to her. She'd remembered this place and remembered Kohaku and the connection had been made, subconscious but true, and she'd been drawn here in search of peace. She'd hoped coming to this place would help her feel calmer. This place where her mind had once felt so at peace, and she had once been so happy- but now, she felt even worse than before.
Sango sobbed again, her heart breaking with longing.
Miroku, please.
Don't let this be the end.
She dropped further into the cold water, squirming and twitching uncomfortably with every new rise of memory from what Miroku's body, the Tessou's mind, had done. Her hands found where his had trailed and she scratched and pulled, fighting to get the feel of him off of her.
The cold water was no longer leaving her reminiscent of better days gone by and instead, simply mournful for what could no longer be. She went after what remained of Miroku's possession that still clung to her, shutting her eyes against the bloodied scars and shuddering back from where clawed hands had simply trailed in passing, invasive search.
Sango found herself angry at first, angry again, senselessly angry at the dammed monk for vanishing off like this without so much as a word. She wanted to slap him until he was red in the face. She wanted to scream at him, demand just what the hell he thought he was doing leaving in the middle of the night.
She wanted him here.
He'd made the decision that it was too difficult? Too painful? He got to make that decision by himself? "Stupid houshi-sama," she hissed under her breath, fingers curling in the icy water. "He can make the decision to end this all by himself, can he? I guess he was the only who suffered during all this. Or were you really not committed since the beginning, is that it? Still always flirting with women, using your Kazanna on Saimyosho like it doesn't even matter, you still expect to die any day now- tch!"
Was that it, then? Had he not really thought it through when he'd asked her to marry him and been looking for a way out since? He'd certainly flirted with enough women to keep his options open. Had he just been looking for an easy excuse, was that it? Because the Miroku she knew wouldn't back down in the face of hardship; he'd charge in headfirst.
The restlessness that had been brewing for days capped over the top and Sango cried out in frustration. She was an active person; all this lying still, sitting still; it had done her no good. Now, with her emotions running high and Miroku simultaneously driving her mad and the only thing she could think about, it all boiled over as simply too much.
With one single deep gasp of a breath, Sango dived headfirst into the icy water.
It rose over her and swallowed her up without pause, surrounding her in cold and clear turbulence of the lake, and she kicked back, bringing herself deeper. Stretching her chest at last pulled on her wound; swinging her arm through the water ached against injuries, everything hurting in a way that brought cold, clear clarity to her muddled mind, giving her a way to focus and truly see again.
Sango swam deeper still, kicking her way down to the bottom of the pool. Her hair streamed behind her and she stretched in the cold, reveling in the feel of action once again, mind clearing from its uncertain and confused ramblings that had so consumed her. The hot, stuffy room that had been her home these past few days, so close and small, Miroku always right there- it had definitely stifled her, and now, finally, she felt as if she could breathe.
She finally reached the frigid depths to bounce lightly off the rocky bottom of the pool, spreading her arms to slow her descent and blinking curiously at the cold, bright world that was so foreign to the one above.
The last time she'd been underwater like this, it had been her turn to be possessed.
It was a hazy memory, Kirara flying towards her under the lake and Hiraikotsu flung out in a devastating arc, Miroku astride her beloved cat's back and reaching for her in desperation. Their fight above the water was even harder to remember, blurs of staff against sword, blood against darkness. She wondered perhaps if it hadn't only been the possession that made her memories unclear, but if she'd tried to block it out.
Her first clear memories were of waking up in a panic after the salamander demon had been drawn out and killed. She'd found Kirara crouched protectively by her side, Shippo with her, and Miroku dozing against a tree while Kagome stitched lacerations drawn by her own blade.
In that moment, she'd felt sick to her stomach. Indescribably but undeniably terrible, like a leaden weight had settled in her gut, wanting to shut her eyes again and just pretend that she had never seen it. Awful in a way that nothing could fix.
Awful in a way that nothing could fix...
Sango shut her eyes, slowly, gently, almost, going through the motion of throwing Hiraikotsu. She remembered how it had felt very well now, seeing Kirara and Miroku charging down into the current, and she carried her arm carefully through the same way she had then. She could almost hear the whirl of her trusted weapon, almost see Kirara rear back in alarm...
How she had felt then was how Miroku felt now. Awful in a way that nothing could fix.
How she'd felt when she woken to see Miroku unconscious and bleeding, and knowing it had been done by her hand- that was how he felt now. But her wounds weren't all physical- and he knew that.
And, just as he hadn't been able to assure her entirely with his usual calm smile and joking manner, she couldn't assure him now. This was something that took time. Effort.
Miroku running away was akin to him saying he wasn't going to put in that effort.
Sango glowered into the water, her anger at last rising again- but this time, muted by hot determination.
They'd made the decision to accept what had grown between them and fight for a future together.
They'd fought the Tessou together.
So what gave him the right to decide this was the end alone?!
Sango at last kicked off the bottom of the pool, her lungs strained to bursting. She kicked forward, swimming up through the misty depths with a true, focused fire she had not felt in days, one that carried from her all the way to burst through the surface gasping, heart pounding- and head, finally clear.
Grinning, Sango shook herself, still breathing hard, and glanced about for Kirara and her clothes. She blinked in surprise, however, when, waiting for her with her cat, was Kaede. The shrine maiden's back was turned respectfully, allowing her to get dressed in relative private, and, Sango flushed when she realized she hadn't even thought to mention to Kaede that she had been leaving. She swam quickly for the shore, already thinking of how to convince the shrine maiden to let her set off after Miroku. It wasn't that she couldn't simply leave regardless of what Kaede said- but common courtesy demanded she repaid all of the work Kaede had done for her and Miroku over the last week. She couldn't leave without at least seeing to that; she wasn't Inuyasha, for heaven's sake.
She briefly shook herself and wrung her hair out, eyes still on the shrine maiden's back. "Ah... sorry for leaving like this," she called nervously. "I was- distracted.."
Kaede merely chuckled knowingly, reaching out to scratch Kirara under her chin. "We all have our moments, dear. ...You want to go after him, don't you? Houshi-sama?"
She stopped again, face flushing an even brighter red than before. First Kagome and Shippo could see there was something between them- now even Kaede?! Were they the most transparent people on earth? "Th-that obvious, huh?"
Kaede didn't respond for a few moments, still playing with Kirara. It wasn't until Sango had finished tying off her belt and moved to sit down that the shrine maiden looked at her seriously, features grave. "I've been watching you two, you know. Something happened between you two- something that you weren't telling the others. Am I wrong?"
So observant... Sango bit her lip and looked to Kirara herself, unwilling to meet the shrine maiden's eye again. Her cat meowed softly and leaped over to curl in her lap, burying her head against her thigh. Sighing, Sango scratched her behind the ears before she answered- eyes, still down. "No... you guessed right, Kaede-sama. ...It could've been much worse, in so many ways- but- some things did happen, things that we've not been telling Kagome or Inuyasha. We just... we don't want them to know." She stopped and looked away, wringing her fingers out anxiously in her lap. The idea of either of them knowing what the Tessou had done... it was unbearable.
"It's really nothing," she muttered at length, when Kaede did not break the silence herself. "He could've killed me; I should just be grateful we both survived, right? I... I feel like I'm reacting a lot over nothing, I think... I should be able to handle this better." He only touched me, after all. He could've killed me, he could've hurt me so much worse- and yet I'm reacting like this...
"Sango."
Kaede's calm call jerked her out of her reverie, and, shaking her head at herself, Sango rubbed her eyes and swiftly returned her gaze to the shrine maiden, trying to force her focus onto anything but that line of thoughts. Kaede simply waited patiently, watching her, and when she was sure she had her attention, she continued on.
"As humans, we fear the unknown, Sango. It is our nature. However, it is only the known that has the power to break us. Any demon can break our bodies- however, it takes one who holds our hearts to break our spirits. I have no doubt if you faced such a battle with Naraku, you would've escaped whole, no matter what he did to your body. Do not doubt or blame yourself for a reaction that is only human." Kaede paused for a moment, gaze moving from her eyes to stare out distantly over the water- remembering, likely, her own struggles with Naraku and her beloved sister. "You- you care for him greatly... if you did not, then we would not be here now. To care that greatly brings pain; this is inevitable... to care that greatly is also human. It's a good thing, Sango."
A good thing.
Sango smiled bitterly.
It was a weakness. It was what demons laughed at and used, it led to hardships and pain, it was something monsters like Naraku could always twist and turn against her, it was...
It was, still, a good thing.
The Tessou had hunted out the person Miroku cared for most and used that bond against them both. But, that bond now was also the only thing that gave her hope. In her worst moments against Naraku or her brother, this that she had with Miroku was the only thing that kept her going. When the Tessou had still been alive and in Miroku, she'd fought on and persevered with the hope that she would get to see him alive and smiling again. It was, undoubtedly, a good thing- no matter how hard or painful it was now. That pain was temporary. The feelings she had for him were not.
The demon was dead. She was done letting him still wreck havoc and destroy.
"You're right, Kaede-sama," she replied at last, steeling herself with nothing more than a breath and a firm nod. "And that's why I'm worried about him. He's off making decisions on his own again, as usual... he'll probably think it's easiest now to not come back. That's the way he is, you know. Rather suffer alone than risk any of us hurting for his sake." She shook her head at his foolishness, even as her heart ached with longing. "I- I very much wish to go after him, yes."
"Mmm? Very much wish to? Oh, I am not going to stop you, Sango. If you wish to, then go."
She couldn't help but look up in surprise, now to find the elder chuckling again, eyes twinkling. "What? But- you were so insistent this morning-"
"Yes, yes; and the way you were this morning, you would've stormed off without a plan and when you came face to face with him, said things you did not mean to the ultimate end of only hurting yourselves more. Now, you are clearheaded." Kaede looked her over again and nodded satisfactorily. "Would I still prefer that you rest more? Yes, perhaps, but sometimes, what the heart wants presides over the body's needs. ...At this point, nothing I say or do will keep you here. Go on, so as to put to rest any future regrets."
Sango continued to stare at her in surprise. Her blessing, too? Certainly better than anything she had expected to come from this. She hesitated, hand still on Kirara, then, at last, decided to take Kaede's gift and run with it.
"Thank you, Kaede-sama!" She inclined her head in respect, and Kirara jumped out of her lap to transform, as if sensing exodus was near. "This is on Houshi-sama's behalf, too; I'm assuming he didn't stop to thank you in his clandestine escape."
Kaede actually laughed now, smiling at her good naturedly as she gestured for her to get on Kirara. "No, he did not. Don't punish him too harshly for that, now."
Oh, I'll punish him, all right... "You've been a very gracious host, for such ungracious guests- please, is there anything we can do to repay you?"
"Stop worrying about me and go after him; that's my repayment, dear." Kaede winked again, and, as she said, Sango patted Kirara's back and was taken up into the sky, her heart at last cleared of uncertainty and suffering and set only on one goal.
