Chapter 7
Deeks returned to OSP after his session with Nate feeling mentally drained. During the entire drive back he had been thinking about what Nate had said. He felt more at ease, but still not close to clawing his way out of his dark place. His darkness felt like an onion that had to be peeled back layer by layer. He remembered what Nate had said about Kensi and had to admit that he hadn't thought about what she, herself, had gone through when she had been held captive. Well, no, he had, but his thoughts didn't scratch the surface of what may have gone on in there. And there was Jack. He really hadn't known what her thoughts about Jack were after all these years. Sure, they had spent the past almost four years together as partners and had developed something strong between them, but he had never actually told her that he loved her, whereas Jack undoubtedly had. Heck she was engaged to him, there had been something powerful between them.
He wanted to fix that but he knew it would take time. And he wouldn't be able to even begin to fix things until she believed in him again. Until she believed that he had done the only thing that was best for them. When it all boiled down to it, he had done what was required of him for the mission, but it was done for her. It was to save her life, first and foremost. Something he would never regret doing.
He looked around the Bullpen and found only Hetty. He really didn't want to talk to her.
"Are you looking for your partner Mr Deeks?"
"Yes," he answered curtly but politely. It was the way he spoke to her these days. "Where's Kensi"
"She's gone to Jacks memorial." Hetty said and braced herself for Deeks's outburst.
He didn't give one and calmly brushed his hand down his tired face. "He gets a memorial? That bastard gets a memorial, and she's gone to pay her respects!" he said in a menacing tone. He couldn't believe it.
"Kensi organised it. I believe she will be the only one present. Perhaps you could go and be with your partner."
Deeks looked at her in disbelief and his heart plummeted. "I don't think that would be such a good idea."
"But backing up your partner is always a good idea."
"Yes, it used to be. Now I am not so sure."
Hetty stood quietly looking at Deeks without saying a word. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable when she turned on her heels and began to walk away dismissively before looking back over her shoulder. "When Miss Blye returns, please come and see me, both of you, I have a new mission that arrived this morning. I believe you will be the perfect agents for the job."
Kensi sat in her car looking at the small building she had chosen for Jacks memorial. The folder Nate had given her was cradled in her arms and she didn't know what she should do. While a memorial for Jack had seemed the right thing for her to organise, that was yesterday. Now things were different. She thought about Jack. The Jack she knew.
Jack had been loving and caring. He was also troubled, and now, in hindsight, he had probably displayed those tendencies for longer than she cared to remember. He hadn't seemed so troubled in her mind, but maybe he was. Maybe she was blinded by the love she felt for him to see it.
She remembered the good times, and she admitted to herself, there were plenty of those. They had shared a lot together growing up as two young people in love. They shared bowling and movies and restaurants and nightclubs. They shared nights in watching TV and walking along the beach, impromptu get togethers and surprise outings. They did all the things that normal couples did together.
These were all things she had shared with Jack, but she also shared them with Deeks and the ache in her heart told her that with Deeks, these things meant so much more. She trusted Deeks more, she appreciated Deeks more, and most importantly, she loved Deeks more. How had she not seen that? How had she ignored it?
She knew the answer to that, held in her arms so tightly that she thought she would rip the folder in half. Jack had been cunning when he had captured her. He had not expected his captive to be his ex-fiancé, of that she was sure. When he had seen her face, he had been shocked, and now that she was thinking straight, she knew that recognising her had forestalled his killing her, saving her life. He would have killed her on the spot if they had no history. That was his first mistake.
For three days he had her held hostage and he had played the charming host. She could see he had hardened over the years and she felt none of the love she used to feel for him. It all belonged to Deeks. But he talked to her, about how he had arrived where he was, how he was forced to remain and work with the allies in trying to flush out the bad guys. She had believed him, just as she believed he had had enough and wanted to return home.
When he told her people believed he was a terrorist and there was a price on his head, he had turned emotional and insisted he was a victim of mistaken identity. He actually cried and played on her emotions. And she had believed him.
When the gunfire on that fateful night had begun within the cave complex that Jack had held her captive in, he changed. Fully professional now, she saw him spring into action, and still she didn't believe he was doing wrong. When he had taken her to use her as a shield, tying her hands behind her back, he had told her it was merely for his protection. And she had believed him.
When she had seen it was Deeks coming to her rescue she was sure she went into total shock. No he wasn't here, he was back in LA she had thought to herself. If this was really Deeks, he really did look good. She wanted to run to him. But Jack had whispered in her ear that Deeks was the enemy who had come to kill him before he could return home to prove his innocence. And again she had believed him.
She wanted to scream right now at that simple fact. She had believed him yet when Deeks appeared, she hadn't believed Deeks. The one person she said she would always trust. The one person who she knew would always have her back.
Jack taunted him. That was mistake number two. Kensi knew it and had tried to reason with Deeks. Everything from that moment on was a blur to her. She knew now she was in shock from the moment Jack had thrown her aside and began to fight with Deeks. When Deeks had taken that last fatal shot, killing Jack who had been holding her, she was surely delusional. Her memory of the incident in the cave from that point on was gone and it was only Callen and Sam telling her later that she recalled them. And still she believed Deeks was wrong.
How could SHE have been so wrong? How could she not have believed Deeks? The only reason she could give was she had been in shock. But that didn't excuse her after they returned and time went by. She could only blame it on her pure stubbornness.
Now she knew the truth and she was going to have to try and fix things with Deeks. A sob broke free when she realised this may not be so easy to fix. She had really hurt him, both mentally and physically. While she had her demons and trauma to deal with herself, he had more. She was sure he would be suffering and if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication, she knew he wasn't sleeping. His nightmares may have returned and that realisation piled another layer of guilt onto her shoulders.
She looked out the window and saw someone standing by the door of the building. She realised it was her mother and frowned in surprise. She didn't think anyone else was coming to Jack's memorial. Her mother hadn't even known Jack.
She got out of her car and walked towards her mom, oblivious to the fact that she still had the files in her hand. "Mom, what are you doing here?"
"Just here to support you, honey. I didn't want you to do this alone." She hugged her daughter and felt the tension in her body.
She nodded at her mother. "Thanks."
"Shall we go in?"
Her mother turned to walk in but Kensi hesitated as she reached the door. Now that she knew the truth, did she really want to go through with this? The entire memorial had been planned before she knew the truth. Music and verses, poems and readings, had all been chosen when she believed Jack had been innocent. Nothing seemed relevant anymore.
Julia reached out and placed her arm on the small of Kensi's back. "Come on sweetheart, let's say goodbye to Jack."
Kensi's walk was stiff as she crossed into the room, laid out with a floral tribute at the front and a photo of Jack in his navy uniform. He was much younger in the photo than when she had last seen him in that cave. In the cave he was hardened and nearly unrecognisable. Her mother guided her to the front seat and urged her to sit. Kensi didn't want to sit she wanted to run. Again. But this time with good reason.
The funeral director stood at the front of the hall ready to speak. The music stopped playing and he began the service that Kensi had chosen. With every word that he spoke, Kensi became angrier, tightening her grip on the folder in front of her. His words were a farce. When they stopped to play a song of her choosing she opened the folder and began looking at the photos of Jack's handiwork.
The director began to speak again, a little put off by Kensi's growing hostility quite noticeable as she looked at her folder flicking through the photos noisily. When he began his final speech Kensi stood and screamed "LIAR!"
Julia gasped at Kensi's intense hatred glowing from her eyes. "Honey! Shhhh! Sit down."
"I will not sit down. He was a liar and a murderer. He was evil, more evil than I ever knew was possible. And I believed in him. He took advantage of me. And I believed him." She screamed looking directly at the photo of Jack as if he could hear her.
The man at the front was stunned into silence. "I'll thank you to stop this service. He was a terrorist and deserves nothing." The room went eerily silent.
With that Kensi strode out of the room tears freely falling now. Her mother ran after her, trying to catch her and comfort her. "Kensi, what's happening? What's all this about?" She was visibly confused at her daughter's behaviour.
Kensi calmed now that she was out of the building. "He was a terrorist Mom, and he used me. He doesn't deserve any of this," she said waving her arm towards the building.
"After all we've talked about since you got back, what's changed your mind? You were so sure Jack was right."
Kensi grunted. "Yeah, I was wasn't I? I was so sure I was right and Deeks was wrong." She handed her mother the folder. "This. Look at it. Tell me I was right. You won't be able to, because I was so very wrong." Kensi waited while her mother looked at the images in the folder. "Mom, I was so very wrong." She said and broke down falling to her knees and breaking into uncontrollable tears. Her mother leaned down and took her in her arms and held her, letting her cry.
Eventually the sobs slowed before she stopped completely. She stepped away from her mother. "Thanks Mom, for coming, and for, well, this." She indicated her emotional outburst. It was as if the outpouring of words and tears had cleansed her soul, ready to move on to the next phase. Her mother wasn't so sure but she let her daughter go, stepping back to look at her.
Kensi had a sudden urge to be near Deeks. She knew she wouldn't be able to right the wrong she had made, but she was ready to begin trying to make things better and she wanted to be near him. It was going to be difficult but she was going to win him back. "I'm going back to work," she told her mother.
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"I have to Mom. I have to try and begin to make things right. I have royally screwed up and I have a lot of ground to fix. The sooner I begin, the sooner I will have Deeks back, and I want him back so badly. I hurt him, but I will fix him. I am going to make things better, I am going to fight for him."
Deeks saw Kensi return and walk to her desk. He watched her out of the corner of his eye and saw that she had been crying, a lot by the look of her swollen eyes. His heart felt the familiar pang of another knife being twisted as he realised she would have been sad about Jack. He could barely believe she would organise a memorial for a terrorist.
He walked over to her Desk. "Hetty wants to see us," he stated plainly, not even asking her if she was okay. How could he have even feigned compassion towards her when he knew what she had been crying about?
"Okay, good," she replied placing a thick folder in her drawer with a lock on it. She turned the key in the lock and put the key safely away in her bag, making sure the compartment was firmly closed. He wondered about the content of the folder but knew he would likely never see it, so he put it out of him mind. "Do you know what she wants?" she asked, surprisingly at ease him. Then as she looked over at Hetty her mood changed suddenly and Deeks picked up the same vibe that he got whenever anyone talked about Hetty.
"Nope, just that she wants to see us about a mission."
Kensi shrugged. "Okay then, let's see what she wants."
They walked up to Hetty's office and waited for her to finish on the phone. "Ah, Mr Deeks, Miss Blye, Sit," she said when she hung the phone up, waving her hand to both of them to sit in the chairs opposite to her. She acted like there was no problem between them all. That's what Hetty did best.
"We have a new mission Hetty?" Deeks asked. He wanted to get this meeting over and done with fast. He always finished with Hetty as soon as he possibly could these days. He caught Kensi looking at him curiously and he realised then that Kensi would have no idea of the animosity Deeks had held towards Hetty since she had sent Kensi away. He saw her smile, probably the first one since she went away.
"Yes, we do. I need the two of you to go undercover to smoke out an arms dealer. He is posing as a pet store owner in an affluent community and no one has been able to get close enough to him to get any information or evidence on him."
They both nodded and let Hatty continue. "We need you to go undercover as a married couple to try and smoke him out," she said.
She dropped the bombshell with such calm in her voice. Almost much too calm Deeks thought. He closed his eyes in disbelief that she would do this to them so soon after it was obvious they still needed help with their partnership. He heard Kensi gasp beside him and he knew she felt the same way. Neither one of them spoke a word.
"We have your aliases complete," she continued. "Eric worked on them while you were both out of the office. He saw Kensi look at him questioningly. She wondered where he had gone, but he was not going to volunteer that information.
Hetty handed over their two new identities.
"I'm Max," he said in surprise, his eyes opening wide. He looked away, at anything to hide how inexplicably angry that made him. It was like Hetty was mocking him.
"And I am Fern," Kensi said slowly. Quietly she added, "I like it." She didn't think anyone had heard her.
"Mr Deeks you will be Max Gilbert, accountant to the rich and famous, and Miss Blye, you will be Fern Gilbert, socialite wife of Max."
This made Deeks spring to action. "No. No, can't we have different aliases, different names? I don't like those aliases Hetty."
Kensi's face fell when she heard Deeks say that. Those names had taken on a special meaning to them, ever since the day after they had become officially a couple.
Hetty looked at him blankly. "I'm afraid you can't. Your aliases are backstopped back to your high school days when you became high school sweethearts. It can't be changed. Eric has been working on them all morning. These names will be yours until the mission is over." She spoke firmly to Deeks leaving no room for argument. He still didn't like it.
Deeks peeked a look at Kensi and she didn't seem as bothered about their new names as he was. His mind wandered to the day Kensi had been taken away from him.
He had asked her to forget that he was Deeks and she was Kensi. She had introduced herself to him in their mock roles as Fern, and he had chosen Max. A pang surged through his heart at the memory, at the simple times they could have had. At what could have been had she not been sent away. In their game they had both cryptically admitted to each other that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. How he wished that were still true. He missed her more now, right beside him, than when she had been away.
Hetty explained the mission in more detail with Deeks trying hard to pay attention while his mind was trying to accept the fact that he and Kensi were going to be once again playing a married couple. He looked at the ground as a sudden wave of nausea overtook him. How was he going to pull this off? He wanted Kensi more than anything but he knew it couldn't, wouldn't happen. Too much had passed between them for anything to work. Right at that moment, he wished his darkness would swallow him up and take him away.
