A/N Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't updated this story in so long. I was having a problem with where I wanted it to go and then it came to me the other day. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
End of Previous Chapter
Santana hugged Brittany tight, "Don't say that you could never do anything to embarrass me. Britt, I'm not Lisa you don't have to worry about stuff like that with me. I just want you to be happy and I know you miss dancing. I knew Mike was starting the dance studio so I called him. I just want you to be happy you deserve to be happy."
Brittany looked into Santana's eyes, "You know you deserve to be happy too and I know that you're not because you won't let yourself be happy after the accident."
Santana pulled away from Brittany. She started the car and drove Brittany back to her apartment.
Chapter 7
When Santana dropped Brittany off at her apartment they shared a quick kiss goodnight and Santana left with neither woman saying a word. Brittany knew bringing up the accident upset Santana but at the same time she thought it was time Santana started dealing with the accident so she could someday forgive herself and allow herself to be happy.
Santana went directly to her room when she got back to her parent's house. Her parents were both out for the evening. She laid on her bed thinking about Zachary. She wondered how he was coping with being in a wheelchair. The accident had happened two months ago and she wondered how he was coping with the huge changes in his life.
Santana was angry with herself for shutting Brittany out just because she had brought the accident. She was in love with Brittany but she felt like they had come into each other's lives at the wrong time. Both of them were hurting for different reasons. She was going to be in Lima for just about three more weeks before she was supposed to go back to work in NYC. Santana of course wanted to keep in touch with Brittany once she went back to NYC but at the same time she wondered if it would be better if they didn't keep in touch. She was totally at a loss as to what to do, however, she did know she and Brittany would need to talk about it soon and it was a talk she was dreading.
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The next morning Brittany couldn't help but smile when she saw Santana sitting on the porch steps waiting for her with a glass of iced tea when she delivered the mail.
"Hey", Santana said with a small shy smile. Brittany loved the shy side of Santana because she was so adorable when she show it.
"Hey yourself", Brittany said before leaning down and kissing Santana quickly on the lips. She sat down beside Santana on the step and took the glass of iced tea.
"Isn't it against some postal code for you to kiss someone when you deliver their mail?" Santana teased.
"You know the song goes 'Signed sealed delivered I'm yours', Brittany sang and then turned red from embarrassment. "I can't believe I just sang that how cheesy."
Santana just laughed before turning serious. Can you take the day off on Friday?"
"I'm not sure if I can with such short notice plus I was off when I suffered from heat exhaustion. I wouldn't really feel comfortable asking for time off right now. Why do you ask?"
"I got a call this morning from my apartment manager that they are putting new security locks on all of the apartment doors and I need to be there when they install my lock because I need to make up my own security code. I need to be there by 3 PM on Friday. I thought if you could get the day off we could fly out on Thursday night, of course I'd buy your ticket. We could spend the weekend in the city but if you don't feel comfortable asking for Friday off I understand. I'll go myself. You'd better get going you know how some of the older people are if you're one minute late delivering their mail." Santana tried not to sound disappointed about Brittany not going with her. She really wanted to show Brittany the city.
Brittany stood up and finished her iced tea before handing the glass to Santana. This time Brittany kissed Santana on top of her head. "I'm sorry about not being able to go to New York with you but even if I could get the day off I wouldn't let you pay for my ticket and I can't afford a roundtrip plane ticket for the weekend. Will you call me later?"
"Yeah, I'll give you a call before you go to bed. Hope the rest of your day goes well." Santana had put her walls back again.
Santana spent the rest of the day moping around the house because she really wanted Brittany to go to New York with her. Maybe Brittany not feeling comfortable about asking for Friday off was sign that it was best not to pursue a more serious relationship with Brittany. They had both confessed their love for one another but their relationship seemed stuck and Santana knew it was mostly her fault.
Santana felt she didn't really have anything to offer Brittany as long as she blamed herself the accident that paralyzed Zachary. How could anyone want to be with her when she ruined a little boy's life? Everyone acts like she should just forgive herself because it was declared an accident by the police but in Santana's heart it didn't matter that it was an accident.
The words that Brittany had said to her when she told Santana she was falling in love with her keep playing over and over in her mind. 'Whether we decide to say goodbye now or end up saying goodbye a year from now my heart will be broken but I'm willing to take the chance that my heart will never get broken.' Santana wondered if Brittany still felt the same way now, does she still have the same faith in their love that her heart will never get broken.
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Later that night a knock on her bedroom door startled Santana from the book she was reading and before she could say come in Brittany had stormed through the door and was standing by her bed. Santana was so shocked as she took in Brittany's appearance she was speechless. Brittany had on a pair of short pink cotton sleep short, a while tank top, and flip flops. Her hair was in a messy pony tail.
"Shake your head yes or no. Are you sick?" Brittany said in a forceful voice.
Santana was so surprised by Brittany's attitude that she couldn't have spoken if she needed to so she followed Brittany's instructions and shook her head no.
"I saw your mom and dad downstairs so I know they aren't sick either. So I have to come to the conclusion that your cell phone, your parent's cell phones, and your house phone are all not working because you said you would call me before I went to bed and you didn't call. It's now 10:30 and you know I go to bed by 10 because I have to get up so early for work. You obviously didn't accidently fall asleep and I know you wouldn't just blow me off by not calling me." Brittany was yelling now.
Santana finally found her voice. "Calm down Britt my parents will hear you."
"You know what Santana I don't care if your parents hear me because I can't take it anymore. You tell me you've fallen in love with me, you do something amazing by getting me an audition at Mike's dance studio, you ask to go to New York with you for the weekend, and yet you keep shutting me out whenever you feel like it without even thinking about how it makes me feel. The other night after we went to Mike's studio and I told you that you deserve to be happy but you won't let yourself be happy since the accident. You shut me out. I said I didn't feel comfortable asking for Friday off and now you've shut me out again even though you said you would call me." Brittany stopped yelling because she was starting to get out of breath and the tears had started falling.
"Britt, sit down and calm down." Santana was getting scared because Brittany had really gotten herself worked up.
Brittany didn't sit down but when she spoke again it was in a quieter voice. "Please just tell what you want from me. If you don't want us to be in a relationship please tell me now because I can't take it anymore. I know you are going through a lot right now and I can't imagine how you are feeling and I would love to be there for you but you won't let me in. You let me in so far only to push me away. I know it isn't easy to let someone in and make yourself vulnerable. I know you're taking a huge chance of getting hurt or disappointed when you do that but shutting the people who love you out isn't the way to handle things. I say people who love you because I get the feeling you are shutting your parents out too. You go to New York this weekend and when you come back I want your decision on what you want for us. Do you want to take a chance on our relationship or do you want to stop whatever we have right now? I want to take a chance on us but only if you are willing to try and let me in. It's up to you Santana." Brittany walked out of the Santana's bedroom before Santana could say a word.
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Santana didn't contact Brittany after her nighttime visit. She figured Brittany didn't want to hear from her until she had made decision about their relationship after the weekend. Santana's mother was driving her to the airport which was a 45 minute drive from Lima. They hadn't talked about Brittany's outburst and it was starting to bother Maribel. Maribel was the one who answered the door when Brittany came over to confront Santana and she saw the hurt, anger, and confusion on Brittany's face. She also saw the tears that were falling down her face when she left.
The car ride had been in complete silence for fifteen minutes and Maribel couldn't take it any longer. "Santana, what is going on with you and Brittany?" Santana didn't answer her mother. "Sweetie, please talk to me. I'm worried about you."
Santana was looking out the car window trying not to cry. "I ruined things like I always do."
Maribel reached over and put her hand on her daughter's arm. "You don't always ruin things. You've been through a traumatic experience recently. I'm sure Brittany understands that because I think she's been through something too."
"She has been through a lot. She was in a verbally abusive relationship. I saw firsthand how this woman mistreated Brittany and emotionally abused and degraded her." Santana went on to tell Maribel about their run in with Lisa in at the restaurant.
"I can't believe anyone would treat someone with such disrespect. No wonder Brittany seems so unsure of herself sometimes." Maribel was angry because she felt protective of Brittany.
"I guess I haven't treated her any better." Santana said sadly.
"Santana, I know you haven't treated Brittany like her ex-girlfriend did, you would never do that."
"But I haven't treated her very well at times by shutting her out. Mami, I love her so much but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't ever be able to let her in and see the real me. She has seen glimpses of the real me but then I shut her out. I don't know if I'll get over what I did to Zachary. It's not fair to Brittany to be in relationship with someone who has so much to deal with emotionally. She deserves someone so much better than me."
Maribel couldn't take longer so she pulled the car over to the side of the road. She took her seatbelt off and turned in her seat to face Santana. "Santana Maria Lopez you look at me right now. (Santana slowly turned to face her mother) Brittany doesn't deserve someone better than you. She deserves you. You are a wonderful, young woman with a heart of gold who would put her life on the line for the people she loves. Sweetie, Brittany loves you. She knows you are going through a rough time right now. All she wants is for you to let her in on how you are feeling."
"She told me she wants me to decide this weekend whether I want to give our relationship a try or to just end it now. She wants to give us a try." Santana said very quietly.
"I know my vote doesn't count but I think you should give your relationship with Brittany a try too. You both need happiness in your lives and I see how you two light up when you see each other." Maribel put her seatbelt back on and continued the drive to the airport.
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Santana arrived at her apartment at 2 PM just an hour before they would be there to install her new security lock. The flight to New York had been uneventful but the taxi trip from the airport to her apartment building had been a nightmare. There was road construction and accident that made the trip take twice as long.
When Santana walked into to her apartment it felt cold to her. Not cold in temperature because after all it was summer and hot as hell. It was cold in the way it didn't feel like home. Her parents' house in Lima felt warm and homey to her. She had only been away from her apartment for a few weeks but it already felt like it wasn't home for some reason.
They installed her new security lock and she chose her security code. The whole process took about an hour. Santana was going to be in the city until Sunday afternoon so now she had to find something to fill her time. She wished Brittany was there so she could show her the city. Santana spent the night watching a couple of movies she wasn't really interested in and drinking a whole bottle of wine. She somehow made it to her bed despite feeling quite unstable on her feet. She hadn't had that much to drink while she was in Lima. After the accident drinking every night was a way of life for her. It helped her forget and fall asleep.
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Santana woke up to her phone ringing a tone she wasn't used to and then she remembered the new security locks in her apartment building. Part of the new security was that when someone buzzed to get into the building the call would now also come through your cell phone and not just the intercom system by the apartment front door.
Santana tried to sit up but her head hurt from all of the wine she drank the night before. "What?" She shouted into her cell phone.
There was silence for a few seconds. "Santana?"
Santana quickly sat up in bed regretting it the minute she felt the pain in her head and felt a little dizzy. "Brittany?"
"Yeah it's me. Can I come up?" Brittany's asked in a quiet voice.
"Yeah sure. I'll buzz in you." Santana looked at her cell phone and found where to push on the touch screen to let Brittany in the apartment building. Santana then ran to the bathroom and quickly brushed her teeth and tried to make herself look presentable but it was no use because there wasn't enough time. It was only a few minutes later she heard a knock the doorbell ring.
Santana opened the door and there stood Brittany looking beautiful as ever. The two women stared at one another for a few moments. Santana gestured for Brittany to come into her apartment. Santana noticed Brittany had her luggage with her. "Um…not that I'm not happy to see you but what are you doing here Britt?"
"I felt bad about how I yelled at you the other night and I missed you the past couple of days so I decided to take a flight very early this morning. I hope it's ok that I'm here."
"Of course it's ok that you are here. Actually it's more than ok cause I missed you too and you shouldn't feel bad about yelling me at because I deserved it."
Santana hugged Brittany tightly and then kissed her gently on the lips. "I'm sorry I look like such a mess. I..um…am ashamed to admit I drank too much last night. I haven't done that since I went to stay in Lima. I guess being back here reminded me more of the accident and I fell into my old habit of drinking to forget and so I can sleep. I'm sorry you have to see me like this." Santana put her head down unable to look into Brittany's eyes.
"Hey look at me." Santana reluctantly looked at Brittany. "You don't have anything to apologize for because I'm sure being back here brought up some memories you'd rather forget. Just promise me you won't make it a habit of hiding behind the alcohol."
Santana could feel the love and concern in every word Brittany spoke. "I promise. So what do you want to do today?"
"I've always wanted to go to Central Park is that far from here?"
"It's not too far. Let me take a shower and then we can get some lunch before heading to the park. Make yourself at home." Santana took a few steps towards her bedroom but stopped and walked back to Brittany. "I'm really glad you are here." Santana kissed Brittany before going to take a shower.
They enjoyed a nice lunch at one of Santana's favorite outdoor cafes. Santana thought she'd be happier to be in the city now that Brittany was with her but something was different. It felt like she didn't belong there anymore. Luckily after eating lunch Santana's headache was gone and now the two were walking around Central Park hand in hand.
"I can't believe there is a place like this right in the middle of the city. It's an awesome place." Brittany was taking in the whole park as they walked.
"SANTANA!" They stopped walking when they heard someone behind them shouting Santana's name. Brittany looked at Santana's face and she was surprised to find Santana had her eyes closed. "SANTANA!" The voice was closer and this time Brittany could tell it was the voice of a child.
Santana finally opened her eyes and turned around. Brittany turned around seconds later and she saw an older woman pushing a little boy in a wheelchair. Brittany knew instantly the little boy must be Zachary. As the women pushed the little boy up to them Santana wasn't sure what to do so she looked at the older woman and she nodded her head yes to Santana that it was ok to talk to Zachary.
Santana knelt down so she was eye level with Zachary. "Hey little man." It was all Santana could say because she felt the emotions coming up in her throat.
"Hey Santana. I can't believe you are here. I thought I'd never see you again." Zachary had a huge smile on his face.
"I've been out of town for awhile but I've been thinking about you every day. How are you doing?" Santana closed her eyes because what a stupid question to ask a five year old in a wheelchair.
"I'm doin ok. I miss running." Zachary's voice was sad which broke Santana's heart. She felt Brittany's hand on her shoulder.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Zachary this is my friend Brittany. Brittany this is Zachary and his grandmother Alice. She is Alyssa's mother." Santana introduced everyone and took a minute to gather herself emotionally.
Brittany shook Alice's hand and then shook Zachary's hand. "It's very nice to meet you two."
"You are very pretty like Santana." Zachary said shyly.
"Thank you. You are quite a cutie yourself." Brittany gave Zachary that magical smile.
Santana looked at Alice who gave her a look that told her it was ok to keep talking to Zachary. Santana had only met Alice a few times while she dating Alyssa and she always found her to be pleasant.
"Zach, I've been wanting to tell you I'm sorry for hitting your bike. I didn't see you riding behind my car. I should've looked better. I'm sorry you got hurt so badly and have to be in a wheelchair." Santana's voice trembled.
Zachary was quiet for several seconds before speaking. "I shouldn't have been riding my bike in the driveway. I wasn't suppose to but I did any way. I thought you were mad at me cause you didn't visit me in the hospital. I heard mommy and daddy say it was your fault and that they'd never let you see me again. They fight all of the time about me."
"I wanted to see you but your mommy and daddy are mad at me for hurting you because they love you." Santana was struggling with her words.
"But you didn't hurt me to be mean or anything. It was a accident. It wasn't your fault. I go to a gym where they are going to teach me how to play basketball from my wheelchair."
Santana couldn't say anything because she was afraid she would cry. Zachary had said whatever one else had been trying to get to believe since the accident, that it wasn't her fault.
Brittany sensed Santana was about to fall apart so she spoke. "That's great Zachary I bet you will a great player."
"Santana, can I speak to you alone?" Alice asked.
"Um…sure."
"Brittany, do you mind staying with Zachary for a few minutes while Santana and I go over by that bench at talk?" Alice asked.
"No not at all." Brittany was caught off guard by Alice's request.
Alice spoke to Zachary, "I'll be right over her with Santana. If you need anything just let Brittany know ok?"
"Ok, Gram."
Santana and Alice walked over to the closest bench and sat down. Santana had no idea what Alice was about to say to her but she felt she needed to apologize. "I'm so sorry for what I did to Zachary." Santana let a few tears fall down her face but she was trying hard to keep it together.
Santana was surprised she Alice took her hand, "How are doing Santana?" Santana scowled at Alice because those were the last words she expected the woman to say to her. Alice didn't let Santana answer she continued on. "I have been worried about you. I know we only met a few times but I have wondered how you have been dealing with the accident. And it was an accident Santana. You didn't purposely hurt Zachary and he knows that too. I hoped you weren't spending all of your time blaming yourself for what happened but after seeing you today I can see just how much you blame yourself."
"If I had just looked closer when I backed my car up I would've seen him and he wouldn't be in that damn wheelchair because of me." Santana's voice got louder.
Alice squeezed Santana's hand, "Zach knew he wasn't allowed to ride his bike in driveway. I am just happy that I still have my grandson. I know Alyssa hasn't let you see him or know anything about his condition but I think you deserve to know. As you can see he can move his body above his waist. He has function of kidneys too. He even occasionally has tingling sensations in his legs. I don't know what the future holds for Zachary but he has been such an inspiration in the way he has handled his disability so far. I won't lie to you he has his bad days and he cries because he can't walk, run, or ride his bike. He is seeing a therapist to help him work through everything. Santana, I want you to call me whenever you want to know how Zachary's doing. I know my daughter won't like it but you deserve to know how he is and I know he will want to know how you are doing too."
"Gram, can we go get some ice cream now like you promised?"
Santana and Alice smiled because Zachary loves ice cream. "I'll be there in a minute sweetie." Alice and Santana exchanged cell phone numbers before walking back over to Brittany and Zachary.
"Zach, I so happy I got to see you today. I've missed you." Santana said as she hugged Zachary.
"I've missed you Santana. I love you." Zachary had his little arms wrapped around Santana and to her it was the best feeling in the world.
"I love you too little man."
Santana and Brittany took a cab from the park back to Santana's apartment. The trip was in complete silence. Brittany wanted to give Santana a hug but she could tell Santana had put her walls up again. As soon as they walked into Santana's apartment she went directly to her bedroom and closed the door. Brittany was at a total loss as to what to do so she decided to just give Santana her space.
A few minutes later Brittany went to the bathroom which was across the hall from Santana's bedroom. When she came out of the bathroom she could hear Santana sobbing so hard she was having difficulty catching her breath. Brittany didn't hesitate she opened Santana's bedroom door and saw her laying on the bed curled up a fetal position sobbing.
Brittany got on the bed and laid behind Santana carefully wrapping her arms around Santana's shaking body. Brittany was surprised when Santana's body relaxed and leaned further against her. Brittany kissed Santana gently on the cheek several times while whispering comforting words in her ear.
"It's ok baby let it all out and let me be here for you. You don't have to go through this alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you so much San."
An hour later Santana had cried herself to sleep. Brittany was still holding onto her and rubbing circles on her lower back. It was at that moment Brittany knew she was never letting Santana go because this is where she belonged with the woman she loved. They had only known each other a few weeks but she knew the love she felt for Santana was a lifetime love
TBC
