This chapter is for drowningnotwaving. We struck a deal. And at last we get a little insight into Charlie's mindset as we delve into the letter that she wrote to Ruby. Tomorrow's update of Forbidden and Interwoven will be late as I am going to the hospital so have patience. It will appear eventually. IJKS xxx

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Chapter Seven

To my dearest, darling Ruby,

I know things aren't good between us right now and if you're reading this, you're probably feeling a whole mix of emotions including more anger. I beg you not to hate me for what I've done. I love you so much Ruby and I've only ever wanted to do right by you and while I wish it could have been another way, I feel that this is my only option.

Our lives were destroyed when you found out the truth about me and the crazier things got, the more I realised we'd never recover. Ruby, I'm one big disaster. Maybe once upon a time I could have been something different but from the day I was attacked, I lost control of my life. You know me. You've seen me make bad decision after bad decision. I hurt people. Unforgivably, I hurt people. I never mean it but it's always the way it turns out. I hurt Joey. She never deserved what I did to her. And now I've hurt you. I want to stop doing that, to stop messing up people's lives. While it breaks my heart to know I'll never get to see you again, to hold you, to laugh with you, to tell you that I love you with all my heart, this is the only thing I can think to do. And I ask you to grant me forgiveness one more time.

Please don't think that I don't love you. I love you more than I could ever explain. Even though we didn't start out our lives together so well, I did love you from the moment you were born. You were the most beautiful baby in the world. I know I'm probably biased but I'm sure it's true. You had this little tuft of hair and the most beautiful baby blue eyes. Your little face was all round and chubby and you had the cutest button nose. I may not have been able to look after you, to raise you as my own but I was never too young to love you to the depth of my being. I did. I do. I always will.

I truly wish that it could be another way. I wish I could go back in time and be your Mum. I wish I could have been honest with you, struggled through my pain and taken care of you like I wanted to, like I should have. I hope that until this happened, I was a good sister. I hope I took care of you in my own way, that I protected you and never left you feeling unloved. Never in your life have you ever lacked love. You've had it in the abundance you deserve – from everyone. You bring it out in people in a way I never managed. While I shut people out, you were always the one to welcome them in. Please don't ever lose that. It's a quality I always wished I could have had.

This letter is meant to tell you everything you should know but my mind is such a jumble of thoughts and fears right now that I doubt I'll get everything down. I hope I don't miss anything important. I suppose really the most essential message I need to leave with you is that I love you so that my heart is full to bursting. I'm proud of you, my beautiful baby girl. Please forgive me for leaving you. I hope you don't think I'm abandoning you again. I guess I am. But I don't mean it like that, Ruby. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to lose you. But I can't see an alternative. I've lost everything. I've lost you, Joey, my job, everything I've ever believed in. And even though I didn't kill him, I'm facing a murder charge that I won't be able to get out of. There's no evidence but motive and lack of alibi but if there isn't evidence pointing to anyone else, it'll be enough if they want me to be responsible. And it seems that they do. I'd rather take my life into my own hands than be victim yet again to injustice and cruelty.

'I love you' seems like such a hollow, overused phrase but it's the one that fits. I do love you. And I know that you're going to grow up and be whoever you want to be. I know you're going to reach out and grab hold of everything that makes you happy. I wish I could be there to see it but I feel that I'd only ever be the one who drags you down. I'm not trying to hurt you by saying goodbye. I'm trying to set you free. I want to rid you of our past, the circumstances that hurt us both so much. The secrets can stop now and you can be happy again like you deserve. I want to free you from your burdens and let you fly.

I love you. Forever.

Your Mum,

Charlie