~ 7 ~ Unexpected

Elizabeth is in the library, her favourite place, when I find her. She still doesn't look happy. At least she gave me time to get changed. Now I can go to my grave in dry clothes. But I will not go down without a fight, that's for sure.

"Close the door," she instructs me as she puts away the book she's been reading until I came in. I do as she says, and she comes straight to the point.

"What on earth were you thinking?" And again, before I can say anything, she goes on: "I never expected you to get along with Lady de Bourgh and her rudeness, in fact I was quite proud of you and your new self-confidence when you stood up to her this morning. But outside, by the lake... It was already the second time I caught you in a questionable situation with her servant, and that's not tolerable!"

"You didn't catch me at anything, neither the first nor the second time. I fell into the water while he was swimming in it," I argue.

"You can't always blame everything on your clumsiness," she retorts. "For goodness' sake, you're a lady! Learn to behave like one."

"But I already told you..."

She ignores me. "Kitty, do you know what you're doing? That's exactly the kind of behaviour that got Lydia into her current situation, and it still affects all of us!"

Of course she would bring up Lydia. I knew it! Time to explode.

"Is that so?" I ask. "The unintentional swim in the lake, emphasis on unintentional, might have killed some of my brain cells, so please help me get my memory back: When exactly did I elope with an officer I barely knew? And when did I return from said elopement, acting as if nothing had happened?"

I don't care anymore what she thinks about that situation with Finley. The moment Lydia comes into play, she's the centre of attention, as she has always been.

"That's not the point," she says.

"Yes, Lizzie, it is the point!" I disagree. "It has been the point for the last three years! Just because Lydia never got past the immaturity of a young teenager, you all believe without a doubt that my development has stopped as well. Yes, my sister has shamed the family, but she's also your sister, and Mary's, and Jane's, so why do I have to be the only one to suffer from her past actions? Why do I need to suffer at all? As I told you, it's not like I did what she did, and I'm not responsible for it either."

"Kitty, not long ago, you were afraid you might have made a bad impression on my husband and his aunt. You haven't done anything to improve that impression ever since, quite to the contrary!"

This turn of events is rather unexpected. I didn't think she was that angry.

"That same evening, your reply was that I shouldn't worry as much," I remind her. "But you seem to have become an entirely different person in the meantime. Why is that? Are your marital problems bothering you so much that you need someone to take your anger out on?"

She seems shocked at this, but I don't care. This is my chance to finally tell someone in the family how I feel about their treatment of me.

After a moment of silence, Elizabeth speaks again, her voice relatively calm. "This is not about me or my problems. I told you not to mind them."

"Then why do you mind mine?" I demand.

"Because someone has to!" she shoots back. "You can't take care of yourself, just like Lydia couldn't take care of herself, and our family's reputation was in grave danger because there was no one there to guide her. Or at least no one was willing. I won't make the same mistake twice."

"The family's reputation. That's all you ever care about, right?"

"What are you saying?"

I fold my arms in front of my chest. "You know what I'm saying. When Lydia was gone, did you ever waste one minute worrying about her safety?"

"Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, she had eloped with Wickham! A stranger whose shady back-story you were perfectly aware of, and we didn't know where they had gone. Did it ever cross your mind, either back then or afterwards, that our sister might have been in danger? Wickham never mistreated her in any way, or at least not that we know of, but he could have!"

Elizabeth wants to say something, but this time I'm the one who doesn't let her. "Do you have any idea how terribly guilty I felt because I'd known everything before it happened and never said a word? Do you know how much the possibility of never seeing Lydia again frightened me? Meanwhile, you and Jane, the Bennets' angels, were only worried about what her behaviour would possibly do to the reputation of our family."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is! And I'm sure you even rejoice in the fact that she's unhappily married to Wickham now. You think it's the righteous punishment for her actions, don't you? You hate Lydia and in your opinion, she deserves nothing better than that."

"You're wrong!" she claims.

"Oh, am I? To be honest, I couldn't care less!" I scoff. "When do you ever care about whether or not you're wrong about something? You're not doing it at the moment, you know. You're just blaming me for something you think Lydia would or wouldn't do in my place. If you see so much of Lydia in me, I guess you must hate me just as much as you hate her. What was your reason for letting me come here after all? As far as I know, your husband still doesn't want to see her, so why is it any different with me?"

I don't know where I find the words. They're just bursting out of me like something I've wanted to say for a very long time. And that's true.

"No one hates you, Kitty," Elizabeth tries to assure me. "If I did hate you, we wouldn't have this conversation right now. If I did hate you, I wouldn't care about what you do or how you behave. You mustn't always take scolding for a sign of aversion. I only want to prevent you from doing something stupid."

"Oh, believe me, I take your word for that."

"You do?"

"Of course. Because if you let me do something stupid, it would sooner or later cause problems that would affect the reputation of the family."

Elizabeth rolls her eyes.

"And isn't that exactly what I am?" I ask. "The girl who causes problems? Even your husband calls me that."

"If you could just calm down and listen for a second..."

"I don't want to hear it, Lizzie! You've made your point perfectly clear. And I'm glad you did. At least I know now what you really think of me."

"Kitty, wait!"

But I'm already opening the door and storming outside a second later.

When will it ever be enough? When will I ever be enough? The whole world treats me as if I was a constant that never changes. As if everything that may or may not have been true years ago was still true nowadays, but only when it comes to me. By now, everybody on the planet knows the story of Elizabeth and Darcy, the way they managed to overcome their prejudices to get together. Everybody also noticed Jane's transition from the most gullible girl on Earth to a woman who is still kind, but a bit more sensible when it comes to seeing the good in everyone and everything. When will anybody ever see the progress I have made? Or is it really that petty?

I don't even notice the door to my room being wide open until I stumble inside and see it's not empty. Lady de Bourgh is there, holding the blouse and the skirt I have sewn in her hands and looking at them. I can't see her facial expression because her back is turned on me, but she stands still like a statue.

After a moment, she finally turns around and asks: "Are these clothes yours?"

I nod.

"Where did you buy them? And how much were they?" she wants to know.

"The only thing I bought was the fabric, and that was so expensive I had to make a deal with the merchant," I explain. "I made the clothes myself."

Her eyes widen. "You sewed them yourself?"

"Yes. And I'm not interested in any complaints, so if you don't like them, keep it to yourself," I warn her as I go to sit on my bed. Am I being rude? Perhaps, but I really don't care anymore. After that argument with my sister in the library, I don't think I will spend another day here anyway, so what's the point of still trying to get along with the people here?

To my surprise, though, Lady de Bourgh says: "Complaints? No, definitely not. To the contrary, this is astonishing! I can't believe you did that all by yourself, without any help."

"Then don't. What you believe or not is none of my business." I lean back, wishing she would just go and leave me alone. I close my eyes, pretending she wasn't there, but her voice still reaches my ears the next time she speaks.

"I don't understand why you're so hostile to me. Is this the way you always react to a compliment?"

"Well, excuse me, Your Ladyship, but not believing that I'm capable of sewing some clothes and thinking of me as a liar for claiming otherwise is not what I would call a compliment. What are you doing here anyway? Aren't there enough other rooms in this huge castle worthier of visiting than mine?"

"To be honest, I just passed by when I suddenly heard a cat meowing in this room."

This finally causes me to open my eyes again.

"I must have been imagining things, but when I came in, this beautiful skirt and the blouse were lying about on the floor," she continues. "I couldn't help taking a look... And I have to admit, you are very talented."

This is what I call a compliment, although the fact that she "has to admit it" proves that she doesn't really like what she's saying.

It's still unexpected, however. Elizabeth shouts at me, Lady de Bourgh compliments me; what a weird day!

"I'll leave you alone, then. Keep up the great work!" With these words, Her Ladyship leaves the room, finally giving me time to reflect on everything that has happened today.