AN: Hmm, don't know what to say before this chapter. Rambled enough I think in my other updates. Thanks for reading!
PS- Put another one of those Jay/Jessica moments at the bottom, I don't know if it was good or not in the last chapter, but I had it written. :-P Feel free to skip over it. And I'm sure I didn't provide the right connotation for Jason's mood in this piece, think VERY Jason's 'talk' with Alan when you read it. It should be very similar in tone and feeling.
To Be Alright
He wondered what this was…This archaic act. Primping his father and laying him out for all the world to see. Maybe he would have understood it a hundred years ago, but they had the medical technology to prove his father was dead. No bells would ring in the wind, signaling they were wrong.
Hewas older.Not like Jason. Not in a good way.
He didn't swallow hard like he wanted to, despite the fact that he was alone, left by Ned and Emily to 'say goodbye.'
"They think I need closure," he informed his father, though now looking at the silk lined coffin instead of directly down. "As if you can ever get closure over anything in your life. You never really get over anything; you never move past…It's always there no matter how much you don't want it to be."
He looked down briefly before quickly looking back up, "I don't know what they want me to say. I'm sorry you're dead, I'm sorry everyone's hurting, I'm sorry I'm making it worse." He chuckled, "Em keeps swearing that's not true, I know what you would be saying if you were here, 'Look at what you did now AJ. Of all the selfish, bone-head things to do…' and I did it," he reprimanded himself. He focused on an arrangement of flowers, "I hurt my son, Jason, Emily..Ma…" he stopped, he couldn't say, 'Mom.' "All to save myself. Seems right up my alley."
His head shook again and walked away, "I remember this fish, you and mom got us, third grade, 'Spot,' 'cause he had a black circle around his eye. Only pet I ever really had. You'd promised to get us a dog for years, next summer, next Christmas and you got us a fish instead." He chuckled. "We begged you to buy us a puppy and you let us pick out a fish. You swore that if we could keep it alive the whole summer then we'd get a dog for Christmas." He laughed sadly, "And we believed you because you were our dad. Jase and I would fight over feeding him, we used to make faces into his tank…We loved that damn fish. It was ours, it was permanent and then we had to go back to school. You swore you'd take care of him. You always said he was fine on the phone. We didn't even come home that Christmas, you and mom were separated, so there was no dog and by the time we finally came home there was a fish with a black spot on his tail, not his eye. That fish was the only pet I've ever had. How sad is that? A goldfish named Spot for three weeks one summer."
His head shook and he spun back, "But you know what's even more pathetic? That we believed you. We never stopped believing in you. You were supposed to be our dad. My dad. And here I am, yelling at your dead body." He laughed bitterly over that fact. "And I hate you for that," shock and outrage filled his low voice. "How fuckin' dare you? How could you make me hate you? You were my dad. I was supposed to get to love you. You were supposed to love me. Protect me, not stand to the side and wait for me to fail. Not love everyone else more than me. Everyone! And the worst part is. It was me. It wasn't the concept of me, it wasn't Mom's affair. It was me. I was just a kid though. I don't know what I could have done to make you hate me so much. You loved him more than me. You were able to love and protect someone that hurt everyone on purpose, he went after Jason and you still loved him. And I fucking hate you for that. I was your son. Didn't you ever get that?"
He walked away, "Closure." The word was indeed laughable. "I can't forgive you. I can't move past and that makes me hate you even more and it adds another thing to my list about why I can't stand being AJ Quartermaine." He turned back and gave a bitter chuckle, "Alan Edward Quartermaine Junior, your namesake." Another bitter laugh, "Ever wonder if you hated me so much because you hated yourself? A lot of people used to tell me that. Or the, 'he doesn't know better, it's how Edward treated him,' Mom and Jason used to tell me that, I think even Grandmother a time or two. I'd never," he forcibly said as he strode toward the coffin, "treat any child, let alone my own the way you treated me." He was already better, walking away from Michael, never subjecting the boy to him.
"You should have just given me away, taken me away from Mom like they did Dawn, told her I was dead. Given me to someone who would have wanted me. You could have just had Jason then," he said sitting down, "no one to interfere with your golden boy." He would have given up those years with his brother to save him. He couldn't think of Jason now, "Dawn had a happy family didn't she? She was happy right up until she came here. Got involved with this family. Probably would have had kids in high school by now, thinking about college…Her death," her murder, "ranked just slight above Spot's in mentioning," his hand lifted, to show just how little the bar had been raised with her death.
He sat back in the chair, his legs outstretched staring blankly at his father, "I can't forgive you, I can't forgive myself." A bitter chuckle, "I'm fucked, just like always."
He stared a moment longer and his eyes turned glassy again, "I wish I could though."
The door opened and AJ startled into a standing position, wiping the tears out of his eyes in a fluid motion at the same time, before turning to face the door. Seeing Jason in the doorway, dressed fully in a black suit, shirt and tie, looking stunned at seeing only AJ.
"Emily," Jason began, "said she'd be here."
"She's off with Ned," AJ acknowledged, "she decided I needed closure." He smiled brightly trying to play it off, "She do a psych rotation recently?"
Jason's expression didn't change, but AJ's did, it fell slightly as he tried to maintain his façade.
"That she wanted me to-" he began to explain.
"I got it," Jason bluntly told his brother.
AJ just nodded and turned away.
Jason hesitated before sharing, "I talked to him." AJ turned back, "I didn't make it back in time. I shouldn't have left. By the time I got back. He was gone."
"What'd you tell him?" the words effortlessly slid out of AJ's lips.
"That he was my father," Jason briskly nodded, still not able to deal with it.
AJ let out an airy laugh with little sound, "Figures you tell him the one thing he'd want to hear. I tell him I hate his guts."
"But I didn't get to tell him."
AJ looked at his brother, his voice fracturing slightly with those words.
"I had to kill the man who had hurt so many. My father was dying, but I had to go. He was the one to tell me I was wasting time. I let him go, but I was too late."
"He knew Jase," the name slipped out of his lips. The four letters connoting a lifetime of familiarity that didn't exist. He realized the other man was still staring at him, waiting for more. "He loved you, that never changed, that would never change, he always believed in you." It was something he wouldn't have doubted, even if everyone hadn't told him yesterday.
"But he-"
"Jason," Emily huffed as she flung open the door and both brothers turned to her in shock. "I just saw your SUV. Ned and I went for a walk."
"Did you run back?" AJ asked.
"What?" Her eyes widened in shock and they looked away frantically darting everywhere but at either of her brothers. "No," a short laugh, "of course not."
"Where's Ned?" Jason observed.
"Right behind her, no idea she could move so fast in heels," Ned huffed. "I need to start going to the gym again."
"What did you think we were-" AJ was beginning to ask, after all they were in a funeral home with their father's body, hardly the place to enact WW3.
"Is something going here I should be aware of?" they all turned to face Monica.
"Nope," Em's head quickly bobbed, "we're all good. Right guys?" she turned to them in desperation.
The three men all turned to her with disbelief.
"Oh well, aside from," Emily said with a scrunched face, 'all good' their father, Ned's uncle were dead. Yea they were just peachy.
"It's okay Emily," her mother offered. She understood how strenuous this situation was for all of them. Alan was… She flinched seeing the coffin. But then a few feet away was her oldest boy, then several feet closer to her, her youngest boy and next to him, her youngest. She had so much to still be thankful for.
-x-X-x-
He wasn't sure who was more on display, himself or his father. It was a private service at the moment, a public one to be held the following day. He was surrounded mostly by people he knew; had known both him and the imposter and now were cautiously judging him.
So he had taken the only sensible route since it was pretty clear he wasn't supposed to leave the room aside from the occasional bathroom or water breaks which just drew more attention to him. A seat in the far left corner of the room.
A few came over to him, told him how sorry they were about his father, how glad they were to see him again. Mostly though they left him alone aside from the looks, it had helped that Dillon and Lulu had barricaded the seats around him for the first hour, but they had gone out for air fifteen minutes ago and he was beginning to think they made a run for it or a run and a hobble.
Robin kept looking back from her wheelchair, a sad sweet smile at first and then concern every other time. She would always be a softie. Jason was a fool.
There was another person that kept looking back at him, that he had to keep his eyes diverted away from. A little redheaded boy, led in with a firm hand on his shoulder by his mother, cushioned in-between her and his grandmother.
He was more than a little shocked when that little boy suddenly appeared next to him as he was busy trying to figure out how Maxie Jones had grown up to be a little pixie bombshell, looking just as anxious to get out of here as he was.
His eyes just went wide and he found himself speechless.
"You're not him," Michael bluntly declared.
"Huh?" Oh great AJ. First words to your son that he'll be able to remember and it was 'huh?'
"AJ Quartermaine, you're not him," he reiterated.
He just looked at the strong, determined face, blue eyes not at all wavering, "That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
"He was a jerk," the horrific consequences of one man's actions, so understated by a child's words.
"I've heard," he nodded, "just so we're clear though you're aware he-"
"Wasn't really AJ," Michael finished for him.
AJ nodded.
"My mom told me."
"Good," he nodded again and turned away from his son, not being able to look at him and not want him, just like he couldn't when he was a baby, "no one should think they're spawned from a psychopath. Of course the Quartermaines aren't exactly sane, but you're a few generations removed from true psychosis," he dropped his head back down with a smile to his boy…not his boy.
He chuckled, "Have you met my mom?"
AJ face instantly brightened.
"I'm sorry about your dad," Michael suddenly offered.
"Thanks," he nodded.
"Grandpa Alan was always nice."
That unnerved him.
"I didn't really see him too often, but when I did, he was always really nice."
"That's good," he nodded. What was he supposed to say to that? "Does your mom know you're over here?" he asked a few seconds later.
"Yea," he nodded.
"She said it was okay?" AJ's eyes narrowed.
"She knew I'd do it anyway. According to Grandma Bobbie, she's learning to pick her battles."
"Ah," he nodded.
"She's distracted anyway, I think she and Jax are fighting."
"She and Jax…"
"They're engaged. They were supposed to be married by now, but I don't think that's gonna happen."
"Oh," he nodded. He certainly was informative, Carly used to be chatty. It could take ten minutes of butting in before you could make your point.
"It sucks he was supposed to take us to the Devil's game this week."
AJ waited for more of an explanation.
Michael's eyes widened and then rolled up in shock, "Port Charles Devils? The hockey team."
"Oh the local team," AJ nodded, small time stuff.
"Yea," Michael nodded, "they're supposed to be awesome, my friend, Tyler said he saw someone get checked right into the glass in front of him. There was blood and teeth everywhere."
AJ's eyes lifted in curiosity.
"Mom says Tyler exaggerates."
AJ just nodded for that. He'd seen enough blood and tragedy to last a lifetime, a ten year old though…
"Do you like hockey?"
"Yea," he nodded thinking about it, "I was never great playing, but it was fun. I caught a few Rangers games with friends."
"I've never been, it's why Jax was taking us, my dad isn't really a sports guy. Only now my mom and Jax are fighting."
AJ dropped his head to once again study his son, to try to figure out if what he was hearing was what his son was saying.
"I've been watching the Rangers and the Islanders and the…" he nodded, "it looks really cool. The game that Jax was going to get tickets for was on a Saturday night, so I wouldn't have school the next day." Blue eyes widened as he realized he wasn't exactly getting his point across, "Morgan really wants to go too."
"Michael I don't think your mother-"
"You said you like hockey. I like hockey. Morgan likes hockey. She already promised we could go."
"With Jax," AJ clarified.
"But Jax is mad at my mom."
"I'm sure Jax will still take you."
"No, he'll say next week. He's been gone for forever and he promised the first game back he'd go. I have the calendar hanging up in my room do you have any idea how many games I've already crossed out?"
"Michael," AJ tried to begin again, she wouldn't let him…he was leaving…"I'll talk to your mom. See what I can do," he nodded.
"Cool," he smiled and nodded. "I'm gonna go check on Jason, Mom says he's sad."
AJ nodded, "You do that."
-x-X-x-
"What were you talking to my son about?" Carly harshly demanded answers through a smile, failing to appear fine to the spectators, there was a fury in her eyes she couldn't hide.
"He wants me to take him and Morgan to a hockey game this Saturday."
"No way in hell," any attempt at a smile died.
"That's what I said you'd say," his head bobbed with being right.
"Damn straight I'd,-" she suddenly dropped her voice and replaced the smile as she realized people were blatantly watching them, "anyway Jax is taking them," she informed him sitting down.
AJ put a matching smile on his face as he realized Michael was suddenly watching, "He says you're fighting and doesn't think Jax is-"
"Then I'll take them," she cut them off.
"I think he wants to go with someone who knows the sport-"
Once more she cut him off, "Because you know hockey. You live in Africa," she stretched the final words out, hoping the simpleton would grasp them.
"All boys boarding school," he slowed his words just the same, "kindergarten through seventh grade."
"You're still not going near my boys," she quickly responded.
"So you're going to punish them because you can't keep a man?"
"That's not funny," her head shook, "you have no idea what these last few..." she glared at him, "Why am I even explaining this to you-"
"Because as Edward likes to point out, I didn't sign any papers?"
"Are you threatening me?"
He hadn't meant to…"Michael wants me to take him to a hockey game."
"You're blackmailing me," she looked appalled.
"You're more than welcome to come with us," he said realizing he had the upper hand.
"My lawyers are drawing up new papers, I expect you to follow your word from yesterday."
"I said I wouldn't take him away from you-"
"Yet you're blackmailing me," her eyes rolled up as her mouth opened at the irony.
"I won't sign anything that says I don't want to be his father, that I didn't want him."
Terror flooded her expression, "But you-"
"I won't take him from you, I'll sign whatever you want giving you full custody, but I won't sign him away."
"And you expect me to trust you that that won't change in a month, a year?"
"I don't expect you to ever trust me," he nodded and looked ahead, "he wants me to take him to a hockey game. I'm taking him to a hockey game."
"You better buy out the entire row because I'm coming and I'm bringing as many guards as Sonny can spare."
"He's looking at us, smile and stop looking so angry," AJ said through his smile.
She turned to her son and gave him a smile and laughed as he clutched his hands to her in a desperate prayer. She gave him a stifled nod.
"Thank you," AJ whispered as he nodded in agreement to their son, who was now looking desperately at him for confirmation.
"Don't make me regret this," she ordered him.
-x-X-x-
"Hey Emily," Michael said turning and tugging on his aunt's hand for attention.
"Yes Michael?" she smiled brightly ignoring her conversation with Nikolas.
"Me and Morgan are gonna go see the Devils this Saturday, Mom said yes."
"Wait your mom is going to a hockey game?" Nikolas asked before Emily could respond.
"No," Michael violently shook his head, "could you imagine my mom at a hockey game? AJ's going to take us."
"AJ?" Emily questioned.
"Yea, oh man it's going to be great. I bet he'll let us get nachos, popcorn, cotton candy, hot dogs, ice cream, soda," he responded with childish glee.
"Sounds like you're going to have quite the tummy ache," Nikolas smiled.
"Oh man it's going to be worth it, Jax and Mom only ever let us get one and even then we have to hear how bad it is for us."
Emily and Nikolas both laughed.
"I'm gonna go ask Grandma Bobbie for her cell phone, I gotta tell Morgan."
"Why don't you wait until you get home, surprise him," she smiled.
"Yea," Michael thoughtfully nodded, "I guess it would be more fun to see it than hear it. He tends to drop the phone."
"It'll certainly be easier on the phone this way," Nikolas laughed as Emily chuckled.
"Haha, yea," Michael nodded, "we've gone through a few."
"You know what," Emily sweetly smiled, "I bet my Mom and your Grandma Bobbie would love to know," she nodded over at the two women standing together.
"Yea," Michael once more nodded, "and I can find out if I can borrow Lucas's hat. You're supposed to wear something of the team's."
"Sounds like a plan," Nikolas nodded.
"Okay, I'm gonna go tell them," Michael said before taking off.
"Stop looking so pleased with yourself," Nikolas ordered moments later as the bright smile on Emily's face refused to be moved as she watched the two women animatedly chatting with their grandson.
"We're going to be okay," she said as her eyes instantly went glassy.
"Oh hey Em," he turned her to him, cupping her face.
"No it's okay," she nodded and covered one of his hands with her own, "we're going to be okay. We have Spencer back. My brothers, my nephew, my mother, grandfather, cousins, even Tracy." She nodded again, "We're going to be okay."
"You are," he promised her.
She raised her other hand to join his.
-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x--x-X-x-X-x-X-x-
Sidestory/Flashback/Moment in the Life of Jay Kiernan and Jessica Becker:
Part of him liked to pretend. Pretend of what his life would have been like if he had met Jessie when she had still been in Port Charles.
He liked to think that she had been the one to change him. That if he'd only met her sooner, it all would have been different.
He would have kept his life on track, his father and grandfather would have seen the man he was and not the man they thought he was. They would have been proud. So would Grandmother.
Jason could have lived his life. Finished school, been happy with Keesha. He would be in the hospital by now. A lowly intern, but still, a doctor.
They'd be sitting around a table at Kelly's, voices overlapping as they all told stories of their recent lives. Keesha and Jess would have become best friends because after all aside from being good and honest people, they were involved with best friends.
Jason would have married Keesha by now though. He wasn't too sure about kids, he wanted to say Jason would have waited until he had more time to give to them, but Jason would have always made the time.
It was a nice dream, he wondered if Jessie wanted kids. She was good with them, he wondered if they were in a different place, the kind you brought kids into if she…
He shook his head and rolled to his side, careful not to disturb her on the small bed they shared, she was used to springing into action and it didn't take much to disturb her despite how tired she was.
Chestnut colored curls that she always threatened to chop off, but he was pretty sure she kept just for him. He could get lost on the worst of days just by springing a curl up and down.
It was a daydream he knew. That life he envisioned. He wouldn't have wanted her, attracted yes, but…He had wanted Keesha. If he had someone like Keesha they would have had to respect him, if someone like her had seen something good in him…
Not that Jess would have been at all interested in someone as self-involved as AJ Quartermaine even if he was Jason's brother and rich as sin.
He wanted to believe there could have been a magic pill to have cured him of all of his past woes, but there hadn't been. AJ Quartermaine was damaged to the core and nothing would have ever changed that.
But still…
A hand slid upon a bare hip as he moved closer to her.
That old Victorian on Charles Street meticulously restored as a symbol of the change he'd helped create. An outdoor barbeque, a dog stashing knocked over burgers and hot dogs all around the yard with Emily laughingly chasing after it, pizza boxes open on the table. Keesha laughing as Jason stole a mushroom off her slice, while eating his own. Jess still scowling and laughing over the 'damn dog' and he with a careful eye on his parents as they pushed their grandson back and forth in a swing, making faces and babbling in baby talk.
It was a nice dream and he hated himself for having it.
-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x--x-X-x-X-x-X-x-
PS AN: I wanted Michael to allow AJ to be a blank slate. They generally give him a good soul (it was that time with Jason that did that), he tends to want more, try more and I wanted that to spread to AJ.
