A/N: I do not own Harry Potter, no matter how bad I wish I did.
Sorry for the break between this chapter and the last. I'm redoing my room, so my desktop computer isn't hook up to internet, so I couldn't get on here. I finally was able to get on my Dad's computer and update. Hopefully, I'll be able to get another chapter out wednesday or so and another on Friday or Saturday. I really want to make up for the lateness. (:
Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
"Do you love me?" Her voluptuous, red-stained lips perfectly formed the words, as they formed into a triggering smirk.
He nodded slowly. Unsure of what choice he should pick. Should he go with his instinct or the beast that roared inside his chest?
"Then, kiss me."
Brown round eyes stared at him. He gulped, as he saw the hate and betrayal milked into the silky color. Should he hate himself as well? He broke all the rules, every rule in the codebook actually. The most important one. He had done what the brown eyes had passed by multiple times. Why couldn't he pass it by like that? Hate crawled underneath his skin.
"I can explain." The three words were the first to escape the shelter of his lips. There was no "I'm sorry," or even a simple "Sorry." None of that even thought to tumble out of his mouth. The problem was that he wasn't sure if he was sorry. He had been dreaming of this for forever, and he finally achieved his goal. A simple kiss could go a lot farther than he thought. They went even farther than he even imagined in his dreams. Why did he always have the bad things happen to him?
"How? How can you explain this? Please tell me." The brown eyes looked hopeless and drenched in water like a cloud before it let the rain escape. Swollen and lost. The image tattooed itself in his brain and all he asked was for it to go away, but he knew it was never going to fade. Why would it? It was slowly drowning him- suffocating him- laughing at his misery.
"Well,"
Everything went black. The voluptuous, red-stained lips evaporated, as well as the petrifying brown eyes. The blackness felt as though it was caving in on him. He grasps for breaths. The oxygen has run thin. All he tasted was spoiled air that was useless for him. Falling on his knees and tears swell into his eyes. Was this what he wanted in life? He had no idea. He just wanted to escape- to disappear- from this place that seemed to cage him into his buried, haunting dreams.
"Someone help me, please!" He screamed out into the black abyss. He begged for anyone, prayed to Merlin that someone would show up. A stranger, a cousin, an aunt or uncle, his mum of dad, someone, anyone, he just needed help.
A pallid hand reached out of the black. He wasn't sure what to think of it at first and was blinded by the light that glowed off of the skin. He only stared, until the hand reached out farther towards him. A wave of warmth rushed over him and a painful smile twitched on to his face, as he reached his own hand out to grasp the helping hand.
Closer. Closer. Only inches of blackness between their fingers. He was going to be saved. He would be free of his struggles that tied him down day after day after day. It was only inches away. He could feel himself shaking from nerves and anxiety. It was so close, so why was it taking so long?
The palm of the hand was warm and a bit sweaty, but he disregarded that. All he cared about was getting out of the situation he was in. He felt a tug from the hand, and was rose to his feet. Still he couldn't see, but the oxygen was seeking back into the air and the walls began to separate again. He concentrated on the glowing hand that held his captive. He kept telling himself that he was going to be fine, he was going to get out. It would soon all be over. Just take it a second at a time.
A blaze of light rushed up the arm that belonged to the hand and soon it had reached the shoulder. At the same time, the feet were illuminated and the light raced up the legs and soon the torso. Then the neck was revealed and then the face. A gasp rushed out of him, as he stared at his faceless savior. He scrutinized the places where chapped, pinkish lips should belong and where the nose should be. As he studied the area where the eyes should have been, the brown eyes from before appeared on him. This time they were hurt and bloodshot. The eyes looked down at their hands- that were still intertwined- and stiffly shook his head. The eyes closed and a tear stained the figure's cheek, before it let out a breath and let go.
He fell. Every second he felt a million feet farther down than before. However, the figure still shined above him and the brown eyes were vivid and watching him as he fell. He knew that no one else was going to come and save him. He screwed himself over. It was as plain as that. It was all his fault. Everything. He did this to himself, and the brown eyes showed only the tiniest bit of regret. That was what hurt the worst.
The brown eyes no longer cared about him.
He was alone.
Al shot out of his bed, panting and gasping for air. It had been only a dream. It was nonexistent now. Why did it still hurt him though? He brought his knees up to his chest and laid his head on them. Then, he cried. He let out every tear that he had caged deep inside, because he found no point in holding them back anymore. The one who pressured him to be strong no longer cared about him. He was now just another face in the crowd and nothing hurt him more than that. He wished that he had every bone in his body broken instead of having this monster live within him. He could handle that pain better than he could handle what he was feeling now.
"God damn it!" He yelled, as he threw his pillow across the room. He didn't care what it would hit; he just needed to hear something break before he broke even more. He jumped out of bed, threw his blankets on the floor, and shoved his mattress off his bed. Everything taped on the walls was ripped off and everything on his shelves was thrown either in the trash or on the floor. He didn't care anymore. He wanted everything to disappear and leave forever. He wanted his room to be as empty as he was. Completely empty.
He leaned against the wall and banged his head off the wall. He didn't know what else to do. Where to turn? Where to go? Every pathway he once had open shut itself from the guilt that crawled within him. He took deep breaths, afraid to break down again. Why did he always mess everything up?
"Bloody hell Ginny! I don't know why the hell James did it! How would I know? He shut me off years before this!" Al could hear Harry yell through his bedroom door.
"Don't curse at me, Potter! I am quite aware of what our son did! I was only bloody asking if Al told you anything! Everyone in the whole wizarding world knows he favors you over me!" Al cringed at the sound of his mother's voice breaking as she yelled.
"Al won't open up either! He is turning out just like James! Don't you get it, Ginny? If we let things continue like they are doing than Al will do the same and he might actually be gone! And who bloody knows what James will do if he doesn't get better! He'll probably just try again and succeed. He learns from his mistakes!" It was Harry's turn again to yell.
Tears quieted Ginny's reply, Al wasn't sure whether it was from his sobs or her sobs. All he knew was that her next words broke him down even more. How could he do this do his parents? How could James shut them out of his life? How could Al hide the reason from his parents?
"I know. I'm t-terrified."
"I'm terrified to Mum… I'm terrified of what will happen if I tell you…"
He crumbled on to the floor and sobbed. He wanted to tell someone about it, but he was afraid that they would turn him away. He had did it while knowing that it would be the breaking point of his brother; He didn't care though. He wanted to achieve his goal. He disregarded anything for his brother and was the reason why James hated them all. It was all his fault and he knew it. What hurt him the most was the fact that even after everything that had happened, he did not regret what he had done. He only wished that he had done it without the knowledge of James' problems. He wanted to have done it without knowing of the pain that James was in, because then he could face himself better. He wouldn't be broken and sobbing like he was now. He would be fine. He would be just fine.
"Merlin, I feel like its all my fault, everything." Ginny yelled between sobs.
"I feel like I am the worst father in the world for letting things get this far," spoke Harry, as he thought back on everything that had happened.
His son attempted suicide and who knew what was going on with the other one. How did he let their father/son relationships drift so far away? No on told him anything anymore and it pained him, because he knew he caused the fallout with his children. He was always concentrated on something else specially his work. He shouldn't have taken that promotion to Head Auror. It took up too much of his time. Maybe, he should give it away so he could be with his family some more and pray that it didn't crumble.
"I feel like a t-terrible mother…" Ginny sobbed on to Harry's shoulder. He was her building block- her rock. If he wasn't there than she would not be able to wake up every morning in the middle of the chaos. She needed him more everyday she lived.
"D-Do you think Al will be okay?" She asked curiously. Her mind stuck on her two boys.
Harry froze. How did he reply to that? Should he lie and say that he knew everything was going to be fine? Or should he tell the truth and say that everything will never be okay again? How could it be okay again after everything that had happened? It was like another war within the household and it looked like no one was winning this battle. They were all going to loose.
Lily sat on the staircase staring at her parents. She sighed and hung her head in her hands. Everything was going down the drains. Nothing was okay anymore and it hurt her. She wiped her tears off her rosy cheeks and tucked a piece of her red hair behind her left ear. She couldn't take anymore of this- this stupidness. She was tired and irritated with every member of her family. She felt invisible during this time and day and she hated it. Why should she be punished for something that she had no idea was happening. No one even seemed to care when she was stood up on her date, because of everything that was going on with James and Al. She loved them and cared about them, but couldn't she get a bit more attention for her broken heart? She wasn't just an extra in one of those muggle movies- she was pretty sure that she meant something. She had no idea what that something was.
When Harry and Ginny took the fight into another room, Lily took the chance to gracefully sneak to the fireplace. She opened the cabinet and took out the jar of Floo Powder and opened it. She reached her hand into jar and gathers some of the grayish powder into her hands, retreated her hand, and stepped inside the stone fireplace. She breathed steadily, before throwing the powder down and whispering firmly, "St. Mungo's." Then, she disappeared in flames.
When she opened her brown eyes, she was standing in another fireplace where she guessed was St. Mungo's. She looked around the dead room and stepped out, jumping at the sound of her footsteps. They were so loud- louder than she ever remembered- that was why she hated the silence. Everything felt like it was blasting from the speakers. She shook her head, as she sneaked out of the room and walked down the hallway.
She stepped inside the deserted help desk, and began rummaging through the papers and files. Potter… Potter… Potter… How many P's were there? Finally seeing her last name, she yanked out the file and opened it.
Potter, James Sirius
Psyche Floor: Room 412
Status: Critical- Mild.
Checking the dead hallways one more time, Lily took out the invisibility cloak- that she stole from Al's room out of her bag and threw it over her. She refused to get caught. Everything that she was aiming to do would be torn to pieces if she were. She needed to see her brother. She needed to talk to him. She needed to be with him.
She walked down the dimly lit hallways, passed some rather odd looking workers, before going up three floors and down the hall to her left. She read the number off the doors, waiting for the number that she wanted to most to show up. And then, it did.
Taking a breath, she opened the door and stepped inside the dark room. She knew that she probably shouldn't disturb him if he was asleep, but she needed to talk to him. Shutting the door quietly behind her and taking off the invisibility cloak, she walked slowly over to the edge of the bed. She bit her lip lightly, when she spotted James asleep on his side. His messy black hair shielded his closed eyes from her view. The corners of his pallid lips twitched lightly, as he slept. He looked so helpless and innocent, until her eyes lay on his left wrist. It was bandaged in some sort of white wrap and Lily knew that was where the cuts were.
Instantly, she flashed back to the day it had all happened. She had been a bit selfish demanding for the bathroom, and she hated herself for it a bit. The blood, the look in James' eyes, the why he fainted, the razor still in his am. The memory ripped her apart. She wanted to forget that it had all happened, but she knew that the memories that she wanted to destroy the most lasted with you for forever.
She knelt beside the bed, and reached her hand out and laid in of his forearm. "James… Jamie… wake up…" She whispered softly into the darkness. She shook him a bit harder, but made sure not to hurt him. "Please… c'mon, James… I need to talk to you."
"Go away…" mumbled James, as he adjusted his sleeping position. "Lils, stop it, okay? I'm sleep- Lils?" His brown eyes opened slowly and he turned to look at her. He narrowed his eyes and her gave her a suspicious look. "What- What are you doing here?"
She shrugged, "I dunno… I wanted to talk to you."
James scratched his eyes, sat up slowly, before reaching over and turning on a lamp on his bedside table. He took a breath, before gasping at Lily's eyes. They were puffy and swollen like she had spent the night in tears. He couldn't find an ounce of the wonder and curiosity that normally shined in the milky brown- it was like her eyes belonged to someone else. James felt his face whiten.
"What's wrong?" He scouted over in his bed and patted the mattress next to him.
She claimed in next to him and buried her head in his chest. She blinked feverishly, trying to keep the burning tears from falling. She couldn't stop them though. They blurred her vision and fall out of control. She sniffed and tried to gather to voice to speak, but she couldn't. She had no idea where to begin.
James wrapped his arms around his younger sister and laid his head against the top of her head. He wanted to make everything better for her. No, he was going to make everything better for her. All he needed to know was what was wrong and then he would fix all her problems. He was her older brother; it was what he did best.
"Lils, talk to me, okay? Tell me what's wrong."
"E-E-Everything…" She mumbled quietly between her silent sobs. "M-Mum and D-Dad and A-Al… they've l-l-l-lost their minds… Al is a-all d-dark and h-he's s-s-scaring me and-and Hugo… M-Mum and Dad… a-all they do is f-f-fight with each other… I hate it."
James opened his mouth to reply, but Lily continued.
"And then- then I-I was stood up and n-n-no one cared, because of everything t-t-that has been going on… I-I'm in-invisible, Jamie… No one cares… they-they only care about everything that-that has happened and w-w-why it happened." Lily dried her tears, before looking up at James and staring him in the eyes, before asking, "W-W-Why Jams? W-Why?"
James remained silent for a moment and concentrated on breathing. He wanted to tell her everything, because he knew that he could trust her, but he couldn't manage to form the words in his mouth. It hurt him too much, but seeing her like this hurt him even more. Tears spilled out of the corners of his eyes, and he held his sister as close as he could. He shook his head a couple of times, before whispering, "I'm not sure why… Lily… I just did… I just… I just…" Felt unwanted, thought James to himself. He blinked a couple times before saying, "Listen Lils, I'll fix it, okay? You can trust me right?"
She nodded.
"All right, so trust me to fix all this. I'm gonna make it all better… you'll see…"
The wheels in his head were reeling as he thought about everything that he could do. One thing kept crossing his mind. It was that Lily didn't deserve to suffer… She never did… He had broke everything in pieces, now it was time that he had to take things in his own hands. If he couldn't live for himself, he would live for Lily. Lily was the only one that he knew would never betray him. Lily never betrayed anyone… It was just who she was.
James never got to sleep after Lily left at the break of dawn. He just sat up thinking about every little thing that had ever happened. He thought about it all day and found himself eager for the session with Manson later. He knew what he had to do and he was going to do it. He decided he spent enough time laying around feeling sorry for himself, he couldn't hide from his demons and pain forever. Someday he was going to have to leave the shelter of the hospital and learn how to live again. It was how things worked.
Three knocks on the door let James know that Manson had arrived. James didn't say anything to let Manson know he was welcomed in, because James knew that Manson was going to barge in anyway. And Manson did.
He came strolling into the room with a wide grin playing on his lips. James wondered how someone who worked with mental people everyday of his life was so happy. James would be dead if he had to put of with the people that Manson had to put up with. Manson pulled a chair up next to James' bed, and asked his normal questions.
"How are you feeling."
"Good."
"Any bad thoughts recently."
"Define bad."
"You know what I mean, James."
"I'm not sure that I do."
"So, you are going to be like this today?"
"Nah, I just thought that that question was a good question to be a smartass too."
"Ah, well I guess it was. Now, answer it seriously."
"I always answer siriusly."
"James."
"Manson."
"James."
"All right, all right, sort of."
"Thank you. Now what do you mean by sort of?"
"I mean sort of. I think the thoughts, but I'm not doing to go through with anything."
Manson raised an eyebrow at James' statement. He sat up straight and asked, "So you mean you don't want to go through with it anymore."
James shook his head, "Nah, I don't want to end up here for the rest of my life. This normal routine is boring."
Manson nodded. James could tell that he was a bit surprised.
"Yesterday, you acted like you would give anything to be dead, James. Today, you are telling me you aren't going to do anything?" Manson asked firmly. Manson wasn't sure if the boy was serious or trying to fool Manson to get him off his case, so then he could go through with it witout any interuptions.
James nodded.
"Actually," he added, "I was wondering if I could go home."
"Home?"
"Yes, home. I want to go home."
Manson silenced. He watched James to see if he was going to give off any signs that let Manson know what was going on in the boy's head. Some kids only asked to be released, so they could stop being monitored and could try again. For some odd reason that wasn't the vibe that James gave off. The look in James' eyes seemed to show that he honestly wanted to be home and that he really didn't want to die. Manson had never had a patient who changed their thoughts and behaviors so quickly before, there had to be something more.
"Why?"
"Because I wan-"
"James, tell me the truth. I need to know the truth."
James sighed, before resting his eyes shut and saying, "Lily. For Lily."
"And why for Lily?"
James shot up and punched the mattress beside him. He shook his head feverishly, unable to calm himself down. He was so mad at himself for causing all this pain on her. He had been so selfish and he didn't even think about what impact this would have on her. Merlin, he hated himself more than he hated Al.
"Don't you get it, Manson? Lily- Lily she didn't do anything! She never did! She doesn't deserve to suffer… That's why I have to go home!"
Manson caught James's eyes with his and locked them in a stare.
"You seem like a good brother."
James relaxed a little, but shrugged, "I try to be to Lily."
Manson stopped for a moment, before asking quietly, "What about Al?"
James' eyes became ice cold and his stare became distant. His voice sent chills racing down Manson's spine.
"There was a time I tried for him too."
Manson adjusted himself in his seat and asked, "What happened?"
James only shook his head.
"James, what happened?" Manson repeated.
James sighed, "It- it doesn't matter anymore, it's history."
Leaning in towards James, Manson placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder and squeezed it. He spoke softly and slowly.
"Look at me, son."
James tried to avoid the older man's stare, but failed and gave in and looked. He hated himself the whole time he did so. Hate was a big emotion in his life, and he hated that it was.
"Everything matters."
How did you like this chapter? Trust me, there is a lot more to this story before it is even halfway over. Healing is a difficult and long process (don't be surrpised if that comes up in a few chapters). Anyway, please review and tell me what you think about it all. Even the bad reviews are nice, because it lets me know how you think and stuff. So, anyway, there isn't any questions I would like you to answer this time, all I ask is for you to review and tell me what you think about it so far. Do I need any improvements?
-randomgirloutthere110
(:
