Chapter 7.

Monday 24th April.

Christian.

After Ana told me about her childhood I felt bad for ever having thought about her in my playroom. I was disgusted with myself, as she with her head in my lap I couldn't help but let a few tears slip from my eyes.

I don't cry, ever, but for some reason thinking about everything she had to go through, everything she kept to herself for long makes me angry and upset. How could someone be so cruel and hurt her like that? She was perfect, why would anyone want to cause her pain and suffering.

Then as I thought about it I started to wonder if that's how my subs felt. Yes they willingly agreed to everything I had done, but did they ever resent me. Did they look at me and worry about what I would do next? Did they cry at night thinking about what I had done to them? I was overcome with guilt and I felt the need to apologize to the females I treated that way.

I knew they agreed to it, and for some reason they enjoyed it, so eventually my guilt subsided for ever hurting the women in my past. I gently brush away the few tears and clear my throat, this startles Ana and she jumps back before realising it was me and she lay her head back down.

"I had a similar childhood Ana." I had to tell her my story; it felt right that she knew the truth about me, even if it did drive her away from me. She sat up and looked at me, staring right into my soul with her ice blue eyes.

"Christian, you don't have to tell me this; please don't feel like you need to share if you're not comfortable." She looks upset now but I know she needs to hear this as much as I need to say it.

"I want to tell you. I need to, but please promise not to run for the hills. This is difficult enough for me; I don't want to have you run off on me."

"I promise I won't, you stayed when I told you about my life, most guys would have run away from me and never looked back." I take a deep breath and prepare myself.

"My mom tried to kill me. My birth mom, not Grace. She was addicted to a lot of things, and every time she got money she would go and get her fix. One night she came home with a guy, they were high. I was only 4 at the time and I was starving. She hadn't been home for 3 days; I hadn't eaten a single thing in that time. I managed some water from the tap, but that was it. So when she came home I cried and asked for food, but she was high and all she wanted was to be fucked and get another fix. Put me in the closet and locked the door, telling me to be quite and I could eat when she was done. I could hear her making all sorts of noises and I was afraid the man was hurting her so I called her name and kept calling it and crying. Eventually she came back to me, but she didn't look happy. She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bathroom, screaming and shouting about how I ruined her life. I was the reason she was like that, the man she was with came into the room and the both of them dragged me to the bath. They stuck my face under the water and held it there, and then I felt a burning on my back. I didn't know what it was but it hurt. I fought with them as I tried to get air, eventually they let me go because I stopped thrashing around. They thought I was dead."

I don't dare look at Ana, I know if I do I will be undone and I won't be able to stop the tears so I continue, but I can hear her crying.

"They let my body go and left my laying on the floor, but before they left he burned me again. I couldn't see what it was but I felt it. Searing into my skin, I wanted to scream out in pain, but I figured that screaming only got me in more trouble so I just lay there and accepted it. He spat on me and kicked me a few times before returning to my mother and they got high. They eventually passed out, I was so hungry and I was in so much pain I couldn't take it anymore. I walked past them and left the house. It was the middle of the afternoon and there were people everywhere when I got closer to the city. A woman came over to me and started crying, I was so exhausted and it was so warm I passed out. When I woke up I was at the hospital connected to so many wired I thought I was a robot. It took a while for me to get better but eventually I did, and Grace asked if I would like to live with her. I accepted her invitation, happy to be with a woman who cared for me, who wanted to make sure I was happy."

I lift my head and look at Ana, her eyes are bright red and puffy and the tears keep coming.

"Oh Christian." She throws her arms around my neck and holds me tight, I gently lift my arms ad return her embrace. I let the tears fall now, knowing that she wasn't going to leave me. Yet.

We stay in the same position for a while before both pulling back and looking at one another, she can see there's more to my story and urges me to continue.

"I went and lived with Grace and Carrick, enjoying life as a boy for the first time. I was able to sleep in a clean bed, eat real meals and wear clean clothes. It felt good, I struggled though. I had nightmares every night and I wet the bed until I was 9. When I realised that my family weren't going anywhere I settled down. When I turned 16 I got a summer job cleaning the neighbour's pool and doing odd jobs in her garden. One night she was angry, really angry and she reminded me of my mom, just older. She hit me, hard, across the face and I was horrified. I looked at her with pure horror on my face; she knelt down to be face to face with me and started to undo my trousers. I wasn't sure what to do, I had never watched porn or had sex, I wasn't interested in it at all, but suddenly she had her mouth round me and it was hard. From then on I got curious I wanted to see what else was there. This woman was bad news, she was sick, but she was the only person I could turn to with my questions."

She shudders and she's no longer crying as she sits in front of me. She looks worried but again nods for me to continue.

"She was into BDSM, which is essentially bondage and stuff. I learnt that from her, and I thought that was what everyone did. So I continued to do it, woman would come to me and they would enjoy it. I always felt that there was something missing, there was no emotion with these woman. I had sex with them but I wouldn't say I enjoyed it. Eventually as I got older I realised what I was doing wasn't normal so I stopped. I hated myself for ever hurting those women. "I can't stop the tears as they start to pour, only now that I've said it out loud does it actually hit me, I feel like a dick for ever enjoying anything like that.

"Christian it's alright. What you did with those women, it's not the same as what Patrick did to me. Please look at me." I look up to her and see her try and give me a small smile

"Ana, I hurt those women; I used belts on them and hurt them that is what he did to you."

"No its not, those women agreed, they wanted it. I didn't, and he tried to force himself on me. Those two things are different. I get that people want to experiment in the bedroom and spice things up and that's okay. You shoudln't feel guilt for exploring new things. You didn't know any and that's okay."

I am relieved that she doesn't hate me and she still seems to be sat in front of me, she smiles again and I feel a weight lift from my shoulders.

"Thank you Ana, for not judging me or running from me."

"I wouldn't run from you Christian you're not a monster. You just have a different experience that's all."

We talk for a while longer but it's more positive and we even have a few laughs, I can see Ana is getting tired as am I, but we need to eat some proper food and just sugar laced items.

"Fancy some Chinese takeout Grey? I'm starving and I don't think I can go much longer surviving on sugar."

"You read my thoughts, I'm not an expert in takeout so I'll let you do the deciding, I'm going to go and use the bathroom." She grins and picks up her pone to find somewhere to order food from.

…...

After we eat we decide on one more film before turning in for the night, I feel my eyes begin to get heavy and I know I won't make it to the end of the film.

"Ana, do you mind if we sit on the bed, my backs starting to hurt and I don't want to move you if you fall asleep."

"Yes please, my ass is killing me" She burst out laughing and throws herself onto the bed. I lie back and she gently rests her head on my chest. Within seconds I feel sleep coming for me and I close my eyes. Just as I'm about to fall into a deep sleep I hear her whisper.

"I love you so much Christian Grey. I didn't think it was possible after such a short time, but I love you and I will never be able to stop."

I allow sleep to take me, now with a smile firmly planted on my face.