I am aaaaliiiiive.

I know I said in my other new story I said I would update in a couple of days but I've had a few distractions. Work, redecorating my room, the olympics (woo Britain :D ).

For those that haven't read that though, I am so so sorry for not posting in so long. I am a terrible person. but I hope to go regular again now if that makes up for it. I had writers block and whilst I had chapters roughly written I wasn't too happy with them. It lead to a really long pause in writing.

This first chapter after my absense might not even be worth the wait :( I intended it as a kind of gap chapter, this time with the Knights having a discussion about it all. But it's just going to look extra terrible now.

Ah well, I hope you can try to enjoy it


Whilst all this happened, the Knights stayed back, knowing that this was an important moment between Arthur and Merlin. Even though wanted to add their own words of comfort, they held back their personal feelings. There would hopefully be time for that later, back in the safety of Camelot. Most were still processing the fact that Merlin had reached this level of distress, and whilst they may not have been as direct in getting Merlin to this state guilt was still written all over their faces. They may have not been the ones to banish Merlin, but they didn't exactly do much to help the young sorcerer.

Eventually the group decided to leave the two, Merlin looking like he wasn't moving for a while and no-one had any wish to stop him from letting his tears fall. Elyan motioned to the also silently crying Arthur where they were going and Arthur nodded slowly, not wanting to disturb the man in his arms.

Silently returning to the horses, there was an air of tension. No one knew what to say. All consumed in their own thoughts.

Gwaine looked the most distressed of the Knights. The usually jokey man was speechless as he thought about the man who had been his first true friend. About what he had been reduced to. A wave of anger swept through him, channelled at Arthur. Though he know knew Arthur felt very remorseful and wanted to make it up to Merlin, it's was his ( and Uther's) fault Merlin felt abandoned. Alone. Gwaine hadn't spoken to Arthur properly since he banished Merlin. Hell he would have left with Merlin, not wanting to serve Arthur if that was how he would react to someone like Merlin (who was pretty much Arthur's best friend even if he never admitted it) having magic. He knew Merlin didn't have an evil bone in his body, even with the shock of finding out the truth of Merlin's talents. But he also knew Merlin would have refused to let him come. So he stayed. He stayed to protect Arthur. Because despite all that happened he was sure that was what Merlin would have wanted. And now he could only imagine what he could've prevented if he had just gone with Merlin. He could've stopped it getting this bad. He should have stopped it.

Leon, though very upset, was not having the same inner turmoil as Gwaine. Having grown up in Camelot he, like Arthur, had been taught about the evils of magic. Having a lot of attacks by magic only helped to strengthen Uther's resolve on this, making him determined to wipe it all out. And whilst he did believe that magic could be evil, he had always slightly doubted whether all magic could really be so dark, this doubt increasing in strength when the druids had helped in with the cup of life. He couldn't deny he owed his life to magic, but it seemed he owed more to it than he first thought. The discovery of Merlin's magic was the final nail in the coffin that made him see the truth about magic. Merlin was a good man, no one would have been able to act so loyal to Arthur or so kind to everyone if they had such dark intentions. The man did everything for Arthur, more than his duty asked, and helped Leon on occasion too. But he could see this Merlin now, and it didn't match the Merlin he had grown to become friends with, who he admired for standing up to Arthur and helping him become the good King he was now. Leon vowed to change that.

Elyan stared back at the clearing where the man who was his sisters close friend, his friend, remained in the arms of his King. It seemed so stupid now to even doubt Merlin's loyalties, to even consider him as a user of dark magic. Merlin, along with Arthur, had come to help him when he needed it. But he hadn't helped Merlin when it was him in distress. Merlin had always come to perk him up if he was down, or if the situation seemed dire he would be there with a quip and a cheeky insult to Arthur to brighten everyone's spirit. The sorcerer could hide his feelings well when he wanted, concentrating on others happiness instead of his own at times. But now the time had come for all of them to focus on Merlin's feelings, to bring him out of his darkest hour.

Percival was a quiet man, but that was because he preferred to observe and learn about people by watching and listening. It meant he sometimes picked up on things others didn't. At times, he thought he had seen Merlin act a oddly, but put it down to his slightly energetic nature and natural, well weirdness for lack of a better word. He could never have associated it with a man who had grown up hiding so much, who was carrying such a burden on his shoulders. And now he had seen what happened when that burden became too much. When a good spirit broke. It was awful to watch, he couldn't even comprehend how the warlock was feeling. But that didn't matter, Percival decided, what mattered was repairing that damaged soul and making it stronger than ever. And that was what he was going to do.

Gwaine broke the silence that had enveloped them all. Staring at the ground to avoid eye contact, voice laden with sorrow, he quietly said,

"Why?... Why would he?... He really nearly... Why did this have to happen?"

"I just can't believe it" Leon whispered, "Merlin was always happy, I never thought he could become..."

"He's been through a lot, more than we realise, probably a lot more than what Gaius was able to tell us" Percival said softly, "Everyone has their limits, we just found out Merlin's."

There was a pause at those words as the reality really sunk in. Gwaine suddenly looked up.

"But surely he could have worked out that he was forgiven when the ban was revoked? Why didn't he come back?" He asked distressed. Another pause. Then Elyan finally spoke, looking grave but thoughtful.

"Think of it from Merlin's point of view. He thinks Arthur hates him and that he is evil in Arthur's eyes. The ban gets lifted for the practice of good magic. He won't have seen that the freedom of magic applies to him because he thinks Arthur hates him still because of the betrayal, and still classes him as an evil sorcerer."

"Damn it, so instead of helping Merlin all we did was make him more depressed to the point of… of that. Why didn't we think of this sooner?" Leon said, balling up his fists in anger. Gwaine growled, punching a nearby tree in frustration.

"This is stupid. We were trying to help." Gwaine said loudly.

"Keep your voice down" Elyan said, glancing back to where Arthur and Merlin were, "And we did help, this was probably one of the only ways to get Merlin's attention to bring him back to Camelot. If we hadn't done this who knows if we'd have been able to find him. He could probably hide very well if he really wanted to. And he'd have no reason to show himself to us if he thought we were going to kill him and he wasn't in this state."

"We did what we could. We can't change the past now. We just have to be thankful that we got to him in time, and help him in any we way we can. He deserves it after what he's done for us and Camelot." Percival said, also glancing towards the pair.

"Agreed. But I'm not helping him just because of what he's done, but because he is my friend, and I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for him." Gwaine said. All of them nodded, many owing a lot to the kind hearted sorcerer who had been dealt such a difficult life.