"Must I be dragged into this story?" voiced Jonathan Crane, interrupting the narrative. "Along with poor Jervis?"

"You know, you think you'd be flattered," snapped Joker. "Outta all the Rogues Gallery, I pick you and your buddy to own a quarter of Gotham City. Separately, rather than as a couple, which you apparently never were, or so you claim. Frankly, I think it's a little suspicious to be supposedly straight and that attached to another guy."

"What about you and Batman?" asked Katrina.

"I can't expect a child to understand the complexities of the relationship that Batman and I share," retorted Joker.

"Some of us are adults and still don't understand it," agreed Crane.

"When you're young, you see everything as black and white," continued Joker, ignoring him. "But when you're older you realize that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship with another person without making it a sexual thing. It's only young people who are obsessed with sex."

"You're the one that implied it was sexual," retorted Crane. "She's eight."

"Well, you better keep an eye on her if she's obsessed with it that young – probably gonna be a total nymphomaniac," retorted Joker. "Just suffice it to say that one day you might meet someone who's your soulmate, yin to your yang, who completes you in every way, and then you might understand. Some relationships transcend the baseness of this world and become the stuff of immortal legend. And that's the relationship Bats and I have. It's been the inspiration for numerous stories and films, some better than others, admittedly, but all celebrating what is undoubtedly the most enduring pairing in popular culture or anywhere else. We just complete each other, it's as simple as that. He wouldn't be Batman without me, and I wouldn't be the Joker without him."

"You know, the most annoying thing about that statement is that I know he'll never say anything like that about me," sighed Harley.

"You can't possibly think I compare our relationship to mine and Batsy's?" demanded Joker. "I mean, it's fine, but it's not the stuff of seventy-eight years of pop culture myth. Yet," he added, pinching her cheek. "I mean, there are idiots out there who think we shouldn't even be together. Can you imagine anyone thinking that Batman and Joker shouldn't be together? They'd be roundly mocked, and rightly so. Until we get to that point, our relationship is just fine, not legendary."

Harley sighed dreamily. "Did ya hear that, everyone? He said our relationship was fine," she gushed, embracing him.

"You're a lucky woman, Harley," commented Emilia, who just shared a despairing look with her husband.

"Daddy, more story!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Sorry, princess, it was rude of someone to interrupt me, wasn't it?" asked Joker, glaring at Crane.

"But both Arleen and Harley have interrupted you before," pointed out Crane.

"Yeah, but not to complain about the way they're portrayed before I even portray 'em!" snapped Joker. "Just leave your complaints, criticisms, and questions to the end of the story when I can safely ignore them by leaving the room. If you wanna whine about other people's stories instead of writing your own, join an internet forum. Now where were we? Oh yes, vaguely Victorian Gotham City."

The Clown Prince carried Harley away from his shack and toward the center of Gotham City. Harley gazed around in wonder – she had never seen anything like it. And although to objective eyes, the city was basically a dump, to fresh eyes, it seemed like a wonderland. The smells, as terrible as they were in a century where nobody washed or bathed or had proper waste disposal, were fresh and new to her, as were the sights of the dilapidated houses and the people dressed in rags. They all noticed the Clown Prince and immediately forced smiles and rushed out of his way, which led Harley to assume that he was a very important person indeed and so well respected by the people of Gotham.

They came at last to what appeared to be a giant wall through the center of the city – it formed an angle cutting off this part of the city from the rest. There were two gates on either side of the wall, and the Clown Prince put Harley down and knocked on one.

It was opened by a small man in a top hat. "What is it, Joker?" he demanded.

"What is it, your highness," corrected the Clown Prince.

"I don't have to call you that – I'm not one of the unfortunate people who lives in your part of Gotham," retorted the man.

"I was just wondering if we could call a temporary truce to the whole rivalry thing, and if you'd let me pass into your section of the city," said the Clown Prince. "I have a guest from outta town who'd like to see the whole thing."

"Absolutely out of the question," retorted the man. "If you think I trust you further than I can throw you, you're mistaken. What sort of guest could you possibly have anyway?"

"A young lady," replied the Clown Prince, gesturing at Harley. "She can't speak – traumatized by the shipwreck that washed her up on my part of Gotham. But since she's here now, I thought I'd show her around."

The man noticed Harley, and promptly removed his top hat. "Well…I had no idea we were in the presence of a lady," he said. "My apologies, madam, but the Joker is not known to be a man of his word, and has attempted tricks to try to gain access to our parts of the city before in order to steal them from us."

"Steal is such an ugly word," said the Clown Prince. "I was trying to instigate a hostile takeover."

"And hostile takeover isn't an ugly word?" asked the man.

"It's two words – thought you were meant to be smart," retorted the Clown Prince. "Toots, this is the Mad Hatter, who owns a quarter of the city of Gotham."

"Or Wonderland, as I call my section," said the Mad Hatter, bowing and kissing Harley's hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, my dear. Please do come in, both of you, and have some tea, but be warned that I'm watching you," he snapped, glaring at the Clown Prince as he held open the door.

"Is your Scarecrow buddy joining us for tea?" asked the Clown Prince, casually.

"Probably, but he'll have left someone in charge of his section," retorted the Mad Hatter. "So don't think about sneaking in and taking over there either."

"I wouldn't dream of it," replied the Clown Prince insincerely.

Harley looked around at this part of the city, which was markedly different from the one she had just come from. The people here wandered around as if in a trance, and all seemed to have strange cards in their hair. She pointed to one and looked at the Mad Hatter quizzically, who nodded.

"It's a form of mind control I've invented, my dear," he explained. "Much easier to rule a kingdom when your subjects are literally slaves to your will, wouldn't you agree?"

Harley nodded as a random citizen pulled out a chair for her at a long table set up in the center square, laden with tea things. Other citizens circled around, pouring tea and serving cakes. She shrugged, concluding that it must be some kind of magic.

"Have you spoken to Harvey lately?" asked the Clown Prince, sitting down next to Harley.

"He's your neighbor, not mine," retorted the Mad Hatter, stirring his cup of tea. "I communicate with him less than I communicate with you, which as you know, I try to avoid at all costs."

"I was just wondering if he was in a good mood or not – then again, I suppose he'll just flip his coin to see if we can see his section of Gotham or not," said the Clown Prince.

"That would be a reasonable supposition," agreed the Mad Hatter. "He does know how to commit to a gimmick."

"Said the pot to the kettle," muttered the Clown Prince, glancing around at the people who appeared to be painting white roses red.

"Sorry I'm late, Jervis," said a voice, as a man in a scarecrow costume approached the table. "I had a new strain of my fear gas leak out onto the streets, and wanted to watch the result to see just how potent it is. The answer is extremely – I'll need some of your mind-controlled citizens to clean up the mess."

"Certainly," said the Mad Hatter, nodding. "And while we're at it, I shall send one of my subjects inviting Harvey to join us for tea. Perhaps he'll be more open to your request for a tour of his section of the city after that," he added, nodding at the Clown Prince as he waved off a few of his subjects. "I'll send two - he'll appreciate that. Anyway, we have guests to introduce – you know the Joker."

"Unfortunately," growled the man in the scarecrow costume.

"Hi, Johnny, how's the terrorizing going?" asked the Clown Prince.

"Fine," retorted the man in the scarecrow costume, glaring at him. "And it's not terrorizing – it's a controlled scientific experiment whose ultimate aim is the proliferation of terror on a mass scale."

"Uh huh. You're right, that's completely different," said the Clown Prince, sarcastically.

"This is the Joker's guest, an unfortunate young lady who was shipwrecked on his shores," said the Mad Hatter, gesturing at Harley. "She can't speak, so her name is unknown to us."

"I just call her toots or sweetheart, or any other pet name that comes to mind," said the Clown Prince. "Kid, kiddo, cupcake, sweets…"

"Anything demeaning and diminutive, yes, we get the gist," said the Mad Hatter, pouring a cup of tea for the Scarecrow, who was staring at Harley in astonishment.

"Good…Lord," he stammered. "She's certainly…a very striking young lady, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she was naked when I first found her," agreed the Clown Prince, chuckling. "No complaints about that, as you can imagine. I think she's maybe from Europe or someplace where they're more comfortable with casual nudity, because she really didn't seem interested in putting on clothes, and seemed vaguely confused as to how they worked."

"Well, how…fortunate for you to stumble across her," muttered the Scarecrow, sitting down and taking his tea from the Mad Hatter.

"Yep, bet you're jealous she didn't wash up on your section," chuckled the Clown Prince. "I mean, it's pretty obvious you wanna bang that."

"Joker, can you not?" interrupted Crane in reality, flushing bright red.

"Hey, I'm being true to character!" snapped Joker, glaring at him. "You did have a crush on Harley for years, a real big crush! You expect me to just erase that part of your history just because you're married with kids to someone else?"

"I would just appreciate you not making me or Harley or my family feel uncomfortable!" snapped Crane.

"There's nothing uncomfortable about the truth," retorted Joker. "Unless the truth is something hugely embarrassing or incredibly awkward, which this is. But I'm still not silencing it because I think making you uncomfortable is hilarious. Now stop interrupting my story or I'll make your crush on Harley a lot more central. Sometimes the only way to stop people being rude is to take extreme measures," he sighed, returning to his story.