Han's ordeal had become increasingly difficult for Leia. It had been five days since his return, and he had yet to recall a single thing about his past. Every day the doctors would attach electrodes to his forehead and try to stimulate his brain activity in an effort to make his memory return. So far they had failed, though they planned on continually increasing the intensity of the stimulation.
Leia visited him as much as she could stand, but seeing him look at her like a distant acquaintance was far too difficult to handle for more than a few minutes at a time. His personality was at least the same as the man she remembered, frustrated with the doctors and always trying to mask it with his sense of humor. She appreciated the fact that he enjoyed joking about how he thought they only administered this type of therapy in insane asylums, and perhaps it was all a ruse and that was where they were actually keeping him.
Han had remained in the hospital, which left Leia alone in a bed that always felt so empty without the presence of the warm, comforting body of her husband lying by her side. Unable to sleep much over the past few nights, she was suddenly reminded of when they'd made love the night before he left when everything had seemed so perfect. Wrapping both of her arms around his pillow and inhaling his scent was hardly a worthy substitute, but if she closed her eyes and concentrated hard enough, she could see him lying next to her again, feel him in her arms instead of an inanimate object.
Noticing the sun finally peeking in the window, Leia arose and what she had done very morning since Han had returned: she got up and went straight to the hospital, always anxious to see if there was any progress, and tired – not just from lack of sleep, but of spending so many nights alone.
Han was seated on his bed, twiddling his thumbs and waiting impatiently for another treatment. He had been proud of himself for outwardly displaying so much patience throughout this process, but the truth was, he was starting to get irritated. He was also starting to feel like those doctors had no idea what they were talking about. Why was it that nobody would just tell him about his life? Was his life really so terrible? Either way, when was he going to get it back?
He had dreamt again the night before about the faceless woman he was reaching for. This time, for a brief moment, he thought maybe it was Leia, but the vision remained unclear. In the short time since he'd 'met' her, he really liked her. Reaching for her in the dream though felt awfully similar to the feeling of wanting to reach out to her more and more each day when she had visited. Unfortunately he still had no idea of the exact nature of their relationship, so he had to try to be friendly without acting interested, which was proving to be tougher every day. She never stayed as long as he wanted her to, but what time she was there was always the highlight of his day, and he wondered if when he got better he'd get to see her just as often.
As if she'd known what he had been thinking, Leia had finally arrived for her daily visit, and Han's mood immediately brightened. "Hi, come on in," he said, trying to hide his excitement.
"How do you feel?"
"Okay, I guess. I feel like I shouldn't have to be here anymore. I think I should try to get my life back together. Maybe it would help."
"The doctors think it would be best if we tried this first."
"Hunh, what do they know?"
She smiled at him, and again he decided that he liked it when she did that. "Listen, Luke and I will be right here for you after your next treatment. You be sure to remember us soon, even if it's not today. Just please, try to get better."
"I'll do my best, Leia."
He thought he saw the faintest hint of tears in her deep, brown eyes. He'd spent a lot of time recently thinking about those eyes, and he didn't like to see her upset, especially if it was on his behalf. "Are you okay?" he asked her.
Silent for a bit longer than expected, she swallowed hard before answering. "I'll be fine. I just don't like having to see you like this, that's all."
He could've sworn her heard her voice breaking a little. "You and me, both. I can't wait to look in the mirror and recognize the guy in it, and I can't wait to remember all of you. You've been so great. Even though I barely know you, I feel really lucky to have a friend like you in my life."
She smiled and reached over and squeezed his hand, and he found himself taken aback by the gesture. It was more than just a touch; there was warmth and reassurance there, and he got a little nervous when he realized that he didn't want her to let go. Maybe he was taking it a little too seriously, as she seemed like she was just a genuinely caring person. He was probably reading too much into it, but it seemed so familiar.
Realizing that she hadn't let go, he slowly slid his hand away. He gave her a smile to ease the awkwardness, frustrated that he couldn't remember what he had ever done to deserve this beautiful woman's genuine concern for his health.
He was overwhelmed with the desire to lean in and kiss her, but he felt it would be too presumptuous. He didn't know if she'd want him to, although she sure seemed to look like she wanted him to. There was something behind her eyes that made him feel that there was more than friendship between them, but he just couldn't muster up the courage to do it. Luke was also his friend, and he would never want to betray one of his friends, although he had to wonder if maybe he was wrong about them. All he really wanted was for his brain to cooperate and give him the answers he was so desperately seeking.
Maybe she and I are… but no. Wouldn't she have said something by now? He couldn't possibly be that lucky.
The doctor's voice echoed from the doorway, breaking the silence that had been hanging heavily in the room. "Excuse me, it's time for another treatment."
Han was slightly relieved that the tension had been broken. "I'll be right there," he said. "Gotta go now and let them fry my brain some more."
She seemed to appreciate his bit of humor and decided to help further lighten the mood. "Go ahead. You never used it that much anyway."
"Damn, I was hoping I was a smart guy." He knew she was kidding, but he felt this inexplicable need to get the last word in.
"Sorry, but the truth is you're probably better off not remembering. Some of it's pretty ugly."
"I doubt that. I don't know how long I've known you, Leia, but I'm positive you're worth remembering."
She smiled at him again, and hitting him like a stun bolt to the chest, he couldn't deny it anymore: he was falling in love with her. "You'll just have to wait and see. But please, don't wait too long."
"For you? I'll do whatever it takes." He gave her a quick wink before he left the room, and wondered if he was going to be able to stand in the same room with her again without telling her how he felt.
Once he was lying on the examining table he was at least able to focus more on his recovery, and the fact that he was glad that he hadn't been forced to wear one of those embarrassing hospital gowns. Instead, he lay comfortably in a pair of loose-fitting sleep pants and a simple white t-shirt. There were electrodes attached across his forehead and he was instructed to relax, and he shut his eyes and slowed his breathing.
The feeling of the electricity that coursed through his body during these treatments was not at all what he had expected. At first he'd thought he'd have to lie there being singed with painful jolts – he had been electrocuted a few times while working on the Falcon and it was certainly not something he'd like to experience voluntarily. But he was pleasantly surprised to find that it was merely a warm, tingly sensation.
Completely relaxed, he tried not to force his mind to do anything it wasn't ready to. Electricity surged through his head, working to stimulate those forgotten memories as it had every day for over a week, thus far without success.
Then, quite suddenly, he caught a flash of something. It wasn't much, but he knew he hadn't seen it before. In a sudden rush of exhilaration, he realized that it was a memory from his past. He was a small child, standing alone in the street, wearing no shoes and incredibly hungry. He begged people for money, but most just dismissed him. He almost wanted to laugh at how similar this image was to what he had experienced when he first woke up on Ord Mantell. It was like starting all over again as a child.
Then there were more memories, small flashes from various parts of his life. He remembered racing through streets on a speeder, sharing an adventurous flight with his copilot friend Chewbacca, and running from blaster fire down the very streets of Ord Mantell he had just visited. But then, there was nothing else.
Although he was encouraged that he was finally remembering, his curiosity grew as he wondered how all of those events had pieced together to form the history his life. This self-discovery thing was proving to be very interesting, and he was relieved to finally be making some progress, but then he was disappointed when he realized that none of the new memories involved Leia. He wondered how his subconscious could be keeping those memories from him when at the moment she was all he could think about.
