Chapter Seven: Friday Night

"People underestimate how much self-hatred it takes to force yourself to throw up."

Rachel was still in shock over Santana's text message. It had to be a twisted prank. Right? She was just getting ready to delete the message when Santana text her again.

Santana: So maybe asking you out like that wasn't the best move...so let's start over? Hangout with me and Britts on Friday?

Rachel smiled. She wouldn't admit it but she was impressed by Santana's persistence.

Rachel: What will we be doing?

Santana: Party at Puckerman's...

Rachel: Is this a joke?

Santana: I swear on my Abuela it's not!

Rachel: Ok...I'll go with you and Brittany as FRIENDS.

Santana: I promise to make sure you have a good time!

Rachel smiled, shook her head and put her phone down. She couldn't believe she actually agreed to go. She set about the rest of her routine, logging everything she ate and everything she purged. She missed having a scale. She needed to know how much she weighed. She felt fatter than usual and not being able to see the numbers was making her edgy. She had just put her journal away when Shelby knocked on the door. "Come in." She said.

Shelby pushed the door open and took a minute to just look at her daughter.

Rachel began to feel a little self-conscious. "D-did I so something wrong?" She asked.

"No, sweetheart. Not at all. I have just always imagined you in this room and it's incredible to have the real deal." Shelby said getting a little teary eyed.

'Yeah...you're hard to miss as fat as you are!' The voice said.

"Will I still be able to see you sometimes when my Dads come back?" Rachel asked. She hadn't planned on asking it out loud but now that it was out she wanted to hear the answer.

"You better. I was actually thinking of talking to your Fathers about visits on weekends and holidays." Shelby said.

Rachel was in disbelief. First Shelby was telling her they should be grateful for each other from afar and now she wanted to be apart of her life! WTF?

"I would really like that." Rachel said. "I got invited to a party on Friday and I was wondering if it was ok with you to go..." She added.

"If you were still home alone would you go to this party?" Shelby asked.

"Yes. There would be no one around to ask their permission." Rachel said.

"Who's throwing the party?" Shelby asked.

"It's at Noah's. All the other Glee kids will be there." Rachel was surprised at how hard she was begging to go to this party.

"Who is Noah?" Shelby asked.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Noah is also known as Puck. He has a Mohawk." She said.

"I see. And will you be going to this party by yourself?" Shelby said.

"No, I'll be going with Santana and Brittany." Rachel said.

The more Shelby questioned her the more she wanted to go.

"Alright, you can go but there will be some rules." Shelby said.

Rachel did not like this. She was used to doing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. She lived by her own rules. But she didn't want to disappoint Shelby, so she complied. "What are your rules?" She asked.

"Call me when you get there, if there's any drinking call me to come get you and...have a good time." Shelby said.

"Ok, thank you Shelby." Rachel said.

"You're welcome." Shelby said. She moved further into the room and stood in front of Rachel.

Rachel knew Shelby was either going to hug her or kiss her again. She wasn't used to all the affection. "Shelby? Would it be alright if you cooled it down with all the hugs and kisses? It makes me uncomfortable." She said.

That pricked Shelby's heart for two reasons. One, she wondered just how absent the Berry men were that her daughter was uncomfortable by affection. Two, she had missed fourteen years of hugging and kissing her daughter. She didn't want to push though. She cleared her throat, "Of course Rachel. I love you." She said.

"Thank you. I'm going to get ready for bed now." Rachel said. She could see she had hurt Shelby's feelings and she felt like an asshole. She couldn't bring herself to say the words back. She was still really confused. How could Shelby love her when she was such a fat disgrace? Would Shelby still love her if she found out what she was doing? The questions went on and on until she couldn't take it anymore. Add the mean thoughts she was having towards herself and she really began to crumble. She rushed to her bathroom, purged again, enjoying the sting of stomach acid in her throat and pulled her cutting supplies from underneath the sing. She rolled up her sleeve and slid the blade across her wrist, not paying attention or really caring how deep the cuts were. She bandaged them up and crawled into bed, telling herself she deserved every single one.

It was finally Friday, Rachel still had to wear the boot but she no longer needed her crutches. She was holding up different outfits in front of her mirror and she couldn't decide what to wear. "What the hell am I doing?! It's not a date!" She said with a huff. She wanted to look good for Santana but she also wanted to hide the cuts on her arms. She held up her long sleeve summer dress again and tilted her head. It was red, short, but not too short and long sleeved. She decided it was the winner. She put her other clothes away and threw the dress on the bed. Then she hopped in the shower. While she was washing her hair she noticed some of it coming out. She threw it away, ran half the bottle of conditioner through her locks and got out of the shower. After she got dressed, she brushed her hair out and put it in a high ponytail and put on some eyeliner and mascara. She looked at herself in the mirror one more time before deciding she looked decent enough to go out in public and headed downstairs to wait for Santana and Brittany.

"You look beautiful Rachel." Shelby said when she came out from the kitchen.

Rachel looked down. She didn't see anything beautiful about herself. And was that a new belly roll? She forced herself to smile though. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Are you going to have something to eat before you go?" Shelby asked.

"No, that's ok. We will probably grab some McDonald's or something." Rachel said.

"Do you need any money?" Shelby asked. She moved over to her purse and pulled out twenty dollars from her wallet.

"No, it's ok. My Dads gave me a bank card." Rachel said.

"Take it anyway." Shelby said.

"Ok." Rachel said. She took the twenty and slipped it into her cellphone wallet.

Before either of them could say anything else, they heard honking outside.

"See you later." Rachel said.

"Remember to call me when you get there!" Shelby hollered after her.

"I know, I know." Rachel said before closing the door.

"Hey Rachel you look so pretty!" Brittany squealed when Rachel walked up to the car.

Santana sat there gaping at her for a few seconds before clearing her throat and adding, "You look beautiful."

"Thank you..." Rachel said. She got into the backseat and played on her phone until they got to Puck's house.

When the three of them got there all of the other Glee kids were there plus some other guys from the football team and their girlfriends.

'Great now everyone can see how fat I am.' Rachel thought.

"I'm gonna go say hi to Quinn!" Brittany said over the music.

"C'mon Rach let's go get a drink." Santana said leading Rachel into the kitchen. "What'll you have?" She asked.

"I'll drink anything as long as I can't taste the liquor." Rachel said.

"There are a ton of wine coolers over there." Santana said pointing to the island in the middle of the kitchen.

Rachel nodded and went over to the table. She picked up a pina colada wine cooler, opened it and took a sip. Before she knew it, it was gone and she was drinking another one.

Santana had her fair share of shots watching Rachel lick her lips and drink the wine coolers wishing she could be the opening on that bottle. She put her shot glass down and moved to stand behind Rachel. "Wanna dance with me?" She asked.

Rachel finished her wine cooler and put the bottle down before turning to face Santana. "Ok." She said softly.

Santana grabbed her hand and lead her to the living room where all the furniture had been pushed back to make a dance floor. She started moving her hips and swaying to the music, she looked into Rachel's eyes as she danced around and knew that Rachel was liking what she saw. She pulled Rachel against her and swayed with her in her arms. "You're a good dancer." She said.

"You're not so bad yourself." Rachel teased. She began to grind against Santana and let loose. She let Santana run her hands up and down her body, she enjoyed the feeling of her hands on her. She was genuinely having a good time.

'Careful tubbers, don't want Santana to feel all your rolls do you?' The voice asked.

Rachel pushed away from Santana as if she had burned her. She started backing away. She needed to leave. She needed to just get out and go binge and purge until she was too tired to move.

"Rachel wait!" Santana said.

"I...uh...I just need some air o-ok? You...you stay here and I'm gonna go outside." Rachel stuttered before pushing through the crowd to get to the door.

"Fuck!" Santana shouted.

"Hey?! What happened?" Mercedes asked tapping Santana on the shoulder.

"We were just dancing and we had a connection, I know we did, but then she pulled away and ran off." Santana said.

"Don't worry Satan, from what I saw Rachel is totally into you." Mercedes said before walking over to Kurt.

Rachel didn't stop walking until she got to her house, thank God her and Puck lived on the same block. She let herself in and then she headed straight for the downstairs bathroom to puke up the alcohol. Then she called for a large pizza with wings and a two liter of diet soda. Once the food arrived and she sent the delivery boy on his way, she tore into the food. She was barely even tasting it. She stuffed herself and puked. Then, she repeated it again. She cleaned herself up and went back to Puck's house. She walked into the house looking for Santana.

"Hey, I thought you left." Santana said when Rachel approached her.

"No, it was just stuffy in here and I needed some air. I walked to my house and back." Rachel said.

"Oh..." Santana said.

"Will you dance with me again?" Rachel asked.

"Depends are you gonna run away again?" Santana asked.

"No. I like the way you hold me." Rachel said.

For the rest of the night Rachel was dancing with Santana, enjoying the feel of her arms around her. Because she felt safe there. No one noticed the tears that fell down her cheeks.