Around midnight, the rain was still coming down. Thunder rumbled in the distance, and Sam lay still in his bed staring at the ceiling. The heaviness that had settled in his chest remained, a pressing on his heart that had become an unwelcome but familiar companion over the years. His mind was flooded with memories both recent and distant. He thought about all the things he wished he hadn't done and said over the past few weeks. He thought about all the things that Dean had done for him as he was growing up that he'd never truly stopped to think about until now. Every time he was able to drift off to sleep, the images would haunt his dreams.
He caught a slight movement from the other side of the room. Sammy was awake and had sat up to stare out the window again. Sam watched him silently. It was bizarre having a tiny, young version of himself running around. Even with the wide range of crazy he'd encountered in his lifetime, this was probably one of the strangest. Every once in a while, it would take him by surprise and he'd find himself just staring at the kid. All at once he would feel an intense jealousy and a desperation to protect the innocence he knew would someday be lost forever. And possibly the strangest thing was how he pretty much knew exactly what the kid was thinking about. Like right now. Sam was very certain Sammy had just had a nightmare and was hoping that Dean- his Dean- would show up soon. Sam heard him sniffle and draw in a shaky breath. This would no doubt wake Sam's Dean- Yep, there's the big brother radar kicking in, Sam thought as he watched Dean turn towards the window and sit up.
Dean threw back the covers and went over to the couch where Sammy had his face pressed up against the glass.
"Sammy... buddy, you ok?" Dean asked softly, sitting on the edge of the couch, laying a hand gently on Sammy's back. Sammy was holding his dog, tears in his eyes, bottom lip out. Dean leaned in closer.
"Sammy... what's the matter, kiddo?"
Sammy just stood there, shaking, tears starting to fall.
"Hey..." Dean felt his forehead and cheeks. "Are you ok? Don't you feel good?"
Sammy let out a whimper and reached both arms out. Dean pulled Sammy to him, wondering vaguely if his heart would ever stop melting into a pool of I'll-do-anything-for-you every time the kid did that. He shifted Sammy so he was curled on to his lap. He wrapped both arms around him and rocking him gently, brought one hand up to run through Sammy's hair. "Ohhh...You're freezing. Let's keep you under the covers, ok?" Dean said as he wrapped the kid up in the blanket and curled in closer around him. "Did you have a bad dream?"
Yes, I've been having horrible dreams that we're never going to be able to be brothers again because of how I've been treating you, Sam thought as he lay still watching the two figures on the couch and listening to a voice that had been hardened from years of loss and battle suddenly fill with a soft gentleness that was usually reserved only for him.
There was a tearful nod from Sammy.
"Aww... everything's ok. All right?" Dean stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.
Sammy pressed tighter up against him, still sniffling.
"I'm right here. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you." That familiar promise. The one that had carried Sam through a horrific childhood that would otherwise have left him paralyzed with devastation. The promise that had kept a flame of hope burning throughout the years of dealing with things that most people don't even conjure up in their worst nightmares. The promise that had now caused a rift between them that Sam wasn't sure could be repaired.
Thunder crashed outside. Sammy let out a little yelp and flinched in Dean's arms. He grabbed on to the front of Dean's shirt.
"Sammy, hey, easy kiddo. It's ok, it's just a noise, it's ok-"
"Dean!" Sammy sobbed. "I w-want Dean..."
"I know, I know you do...Sammy, it's ok. You're ok... shhh..." Dean held him tightly, rocking gently back and forth.
Sammy was taking in little gasps of air between tearful sobs. His tiny fingers dug into Dean's arm.
Dean just curled around him whispering softly to him. "I'm right here. I've got you, you're ok."
The lightning lit the room and Sammy shut his eyes and held on. Dean's arms wrapped him up securely. The thunder followed close behind, loud and angry. Sammy let out a whimper. He was trying so hard to stop crying.
"Ohhh... poor kiddo," Dean whispered stroking his hair. "Everything's all right. It's ok to be scared, all right? You want to read another book? Watch some TV?"
Sam immediately recognized Dean's attempts at distraction, but he knew Sammy wouldn't want to move. Getting up to get the remote or turn on a light to read a book might mean Dean would let go of him for a minute and that would be the last thing he'd want, so he wasn't surprised to see Sammy shake his head.
"No? Well, look," Dean reached over and grabbed the stuffed animal he'd bought Sammy earlier. "Here's your dog! You want to hold your dog?"
Sammy reached one arm out and pulled the stuffed dog to his chest. He kept the other one securely fastened to Dean's shirt. He was sniffling, but seemed to be relaxing a little.
"There... ok?" Dean thumbed a few tears off his cheek. "That's better, huh?"
Sammy sniffled again and looked up at Dean. "Dean wouldn't be scared."
"No? Probably not... he likes thunderstorms, doesn't he?"
Sammy nodded.
"But that doesn't mean that you can't be scared, you know that right?"
Sammy looked doubtful.
"Dean doesn't tell you that you can't be scared, does he?"
"No," Sammy replied hesitantly. "But Daddy says I shouldn't be."
Dean pulled Sammy gently to his chest and ran his hand over his hair. "Well, it's ok... whatever you're feeling is ok, kiddo. And I'm here, all right? We can stay up till you're not scared anymore."
"What if I'm scared all night?"
Dean chuckled and tilted his head at the little boy in his arms. "Then you're gonna be awful sleepy tomorrow."
Sammy sniffled again and looked up at Dean.
Dean just smiled at him, still running his hand over the kid's hair. "It'll be all right..."
Sammy yawned and leaned into Dean, clutching his stuffed dog.
Dean sighed. That familiar pressure in his own chest was back again and he had begun to realize it was more than nostalgia. It was more than just sorrow over what had happened between him and Sam. Whatever or whoever had brought Sammy here had said it was coming back. There was another Dean out there somewhere that, although just a little boy, was no doubt trying to move heaven and earth to find his brother. The feeling he was having was a realization that Sammy most likely wouldn't be here for much longer, and he would never have the opportunity to hold and comfort him again. His own Sam was already gone. He'd been very clear about that, and Dean had decided shortly before Sammy had arrived that this would be their last hunt together. He was through trying to impose himself on Sam's life. It was time to let him go. It had been time for a long while now, Dean just hadn't been able to bring himself to believe it.
But now, here was this little window of opportunity to say goodbye. To let Sam know that no matter what, no matter how much pain and suffering Dean had been through, he was worth it. That Dean wouldn't trade Sam for anything in the world and that he loved him more than life itself. And that he was sorry. Not for saving him, but for hurting him. For destroying the trust between them, even if it hadn't been on purpose, he was sorry for that. And even if it wasn't really his Sam he was saying it to, it was probably as close as he would ever be able to get.
"Do you think he's looking for me?" Sammy's question startled Dean back into the present and shook Sam to his core in the back corner of the room.
"Who... Dean?" Dean asked.
Sammy nodded.
Oh, kid... you are so blind, Sam thought. How can you be so smart and so oblivious? He almost laughed. Looking for you? He's probably turned an entire town on end and found a way to involve the National Guard, even though he's only 10.
Dean let out a humorless laugh. "I know he's looking for you."
There was a smothered whimper. "What if... what if he couldn't find me and he gave up?"
Sam's eyes watered in disbelief. If there was one thing he was certain of in his life at this point, it was that Dean didn't give up. Except that maybe now...
Dean cupped Sammy's chin and tilted his face up. "Sammy, look at me. I can promise you that your brother is looking for you. If you're lost, he will always look for you. And he's not going to give up until he finds you. I know that. Ok?"
Sammy gave Dean a tearful nod.
Sam drew in a shaky, silent breath and bit his lip.
"No doubt in my mind," Dean continued. "Not one. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he found us before we find him."
Sammy swallowed and looked back out the window.
"C'mon, let me show you something." Dean quietly lifted him off the sofa and moved over to far end of the window. "You know, I used to take care of you when you were really little... you probably don't even remember..."
Sam silently angled himself to see where Dean was going. You're wrong, I do remember.
"When you were sad or scared at night, I'd take you over to the window,"
And you'd show me the moon and stars...
"and we'd look at the moon and stars."
Sammy turned and looked at Dean. "Dean does that!" he said, surprised.
Dean just smiled and leaned up against the wall, pressing up against the window glass. "Do you see the moon?"
Sammy pointed.
"Yeah. Right there. We're gonna find your brother, kiddo, ok?" He leaned closer the the little boy and whispered so quietly that Sam almost didn't hear him. "You know how much he loves you?"
Sam's insides froze.
Sammy tilted his head up to look at Dean. He smiled, getting the reference immediately. "Right up to the moon?"
Dean nodded. "Right up to the moon... and back. Forever. No matter what. I want you to remember that, ok? No matter what."
All the air went out of Sam's lungs. It took every ounce of effort he had to stifle a sob.
Sammy giggled. "Wanna hear a secret?"
"Sure."
"I love Dean more than anybody. Even Dad."
Thank you... Sam thought. Thank you for telling him that...
Dean closed his eyes and pulled Sammy to him.
Sammy yawned, leaning into Dean's shoulder. He was facing towards where Sam was pretending to be asleep.
Sam watched him, the light from the parking lot illuminating both Sammy and his brother, but not quite extending to Sam's bed, where he was able to watch them unseen in the darkness.
"Is Sam your brother?" Sammy whispered.
Dean frowned, knowing he hadn't mentioned this. "Yeah, he is."
"Your big brother?"
Dean laughed softly. "No. He's big, but he's still my little brother."
"Do you love him to the moon and back?"
There was a brief pause. Dean swallowed and fought for control. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."
"Does he love you to the moon and back?"
There was a longer pause.
And here was the biggest problem of all.
Sam's insides clenched. He had always had a fear in the back of his mind that Dean had no idea how much Sam loved him right back. Though he hadn't thought about that fear in quite a long time, now it was right there staring him in the face. And after the way things had been? Sam had been hurt- hurt badly- and trust had been broken. And to get through to his brother, Sam had lashed out in a way he had never done before. Hurting Dean over and over until he could see the brokenness and even then, he didn't stop. He had driven Dean to the point that he would have come groveling to Sam if Sam had even allowed that, but he hadn't. There were boundaries that had been crossed, things that weren't fair to Sam. Things he still needed to make his brother understand. But at the same time, here in front of him was a love so deep, so devoted, so... pure- who got to have something like that on this earth? How many people had Sam ever encountered in his lifetime that had ever even had a glimpse of something so profound as this bond he shared with his brother? Out of the hundreds, maybe thousands of people he'd crossed paths with? No one.
The pause was long enough for all these thoughts to run through Sam's mind all the while, he pleaded- Please say yes, please say yes...
But he was sure that his brother could not answer this question, not now, with any certainty.
"You are just full of questions, aren't you?" Dean replied finally. "I think it's time for somebody to get some sleep. It's awful late," he whispered gently.
And Sam had to bite his lip until it bled to keep back the tears.
"You know Pastor Jim?" Sammy asked as Dean laid him back down against the pillow and pulled his blanket up.
"Yeah, I do," Dean whispered, handing Sammy his dog.
"Oh. Do you know Bobby too?"
"Yes."
Oh," Sammy paused.
Sam, still listening, knew exactly where this line of questioning was going and now not only was he holding back tears, but he was coming rather close to being physically ill.
And then the million dollar question, "Did you know my mom?"
Dean cleared his throat. "Um... yeah. I did."
"Oh," Sammy whispered. And then in an even softer voice, "Dean doesn't like me to talk about her."
"Yeah..." Dean swallowed and took a deep breath. "That was... that was a pretty tough time for him. But... you know what? You can talk about her to me. It's ok."
Sammy looked almost eagerly at him, like he wasn't sure how long this offer was good for, but he was immensely grateful for it. And Dean felt suddenly guilty for having deprived his own Sam of something he so desperately needed.
"What was she like?" Sammy asked.
There was a soft chuckle, but Sam could hear the tears in his brother's voice as he struggled to answer. Even after all these years, he struggled. "She was... she was really great. She used to sing to you and she let me- uh... she let Dean help take care of you."
"Did she... " Sammy's voice was suddenly shaky.
No, Sam thought bitterly. Don't ask him. Don't... he doesn't need one more nail in his cross!
"Did she like me?" Sammy asked weakly.
Sam swallowed and tried to control his breathing.
"Did she- what?"
The shock in Dean's voice finally forced tears from Sam's eyes. He had managed to keep them at bay through hearing Dean confess his love, admit to his doubt of Sam's love, but this opened the flood gates. To know that there was now another burden added to the already crippling guilt his brother carried was too much. The tears flowed freely and silently from his eyes. It was becoming difficult to breathe.
He heard Dean swallow and take a breath. "Sammy, she loved you, why would- Sammy, hey-hey-hey... come on, Sammy..." Dean picked him up again as the little boy started to sob. "Why would you ask that... of course she loved you."
"I don't remember her..." the tiny voice cried desperately. "I don't remember her ever telling me..."
"Sammy, you were just a baby..." the anguish in Dean's voice sliced through Sam's heart.
And you were just a little kid, Dean. Carrying more shit around at 4 years old than most people deal with in an entire lifetime. Sam could hear the tears in Dean's voice. There was nothing in the world he wanted more at that moment than to go and hug his brother. Nothing. He wanted to tell him it was ok, that he understood now why Dean couldn't talk about it. That he knew now and had known for a long time that their mother had loved him. It was ok.
"You were just a baby, of course you don't remember. But I remember. Ok? I remember. She used to tell you all the time. All the time. She loved you, Sammy. I promise. I'm so sorry, Sammy... I'm so sorry..."
The little sobs were quieting and Sam could see Dean silhouetted against the window, rocking Sammy against his shoulder and running his hand over his hair. The little boy was calming, but Sam could tell that the whole situation had just completely wrecked his big brother.
Dean held Sammy for a long time until he seemed like he was asleep. But as he went to put him down, there was a tiny whimper.
"What's the matter, buddy?" Dean asked pulling the blanket up as Sammy clutched at the stuffed dog in his arms.
"I'm scared."
Dean touched the side of his face. "Why are you scared?" he whispered soothingly.
Because I said horrible things to you and I'm afraid that maybe this will be the time that you just can't forgive me anymore.
Sammy just whimpered again.
"There's nothing to be scared of, little guy. Sam and I are right here and we're not gonna let anything hurt you, and you've got your dog and your blanket," he rubbed Sammy's tummy over the fuzzy blanket. "Everything's ok, all right?"
Sammy sniffled and sat up, putting his arms back around Dean's neck. Dean let out a little chuckle and hugged him. "You wanna stay with me tonight, kiddo?"
There was a weak nod against his neck.
"Ok, that's ok. You can stay with me... you stay with your brother sometimes when you're scared, don't you?"
"I miss Dean..."
"I know... I know you do, buddy. And he misses you to. He misses you so much..."
I'm sorry... I miss you too...
"We're gonna find him, ok? We're gonna find him soon." Dean whispered. He knew the words were comforting to Sammy, but they were making him physically ill. And an idea was starting to brew in his mind. One that he knew Sam would absolutely not approve of. But one that he was considering anyway. The thing that had brought Sammy here said it was coming back.
Maybe it wasn't a good idea to let Sammy go...
