The Mischief Managers
Chapter 7: The Museum of Relics
Air, wonderful air. Reggie heaved himself out of the janitor's lavatory, his hands slipping on the dirty wet ring several times. If only Bella or someone would give him a glove, but they all had their backs turned, discussing the dismantling of the protective webs in the Museum of Relics and drying their masks on their robes.
"How dumb can you be?" Bella asked, still dripping as she went to dismantle some security charms just outside the door. "To set up the root charms by a toilet?"
"It was more difficult to open the lid" Lucius agreed and spat on his mask to give it just a little more shine. "It was so dirty it had gotten stuck. I would have drowned for sure, had I not kept my dearest in mind"
A sentimental gaze swept across his face and a nauseaus one across Bella's.
"Blegh just shut up will you?"
"You're just jealous because gentlemen prefer blondes"
Lucius pulled the mask over his face and let the elastic ribbon snap him in the back.
"I'm engaged to a very wicked French baker, so there. Everybody knows that that's where the wicked romantic gentlemen are at. Oh, he's so beautiful and pure... My parents don't like him much, 'though, but who cares when you're in wicked love?"
"What's not to like, if he's pure and rich?"
"He's not my brother"
"But you don't have a brother"
"I know!""
Reggie rolled over the ring and could not avoid landing in a puddle. He pocketed his travelling rime and adjusted his Junior Eater mask. It felt so humid under it and he couldn't understand why they didn't have mouth holes.
As a Junior Eater, Reggie had been allowed to come along for the experience. While Snape was already a Death Eater postulant as well, Reggie had to wait another year before he could apply to the big club. After carefully considering all the wicked Orders, Reggie had decided that the Death Eaters were right for him, for they were large, growing, and there he had a chance at making it on his own merits.
"So is it safe now?" he asked, getting up, dripping like a waterfall.
"Dismantling the protective webs was as easy as taking candy from Dumbledore, little one" said Bella.
"That's actually really difficult" said Snape.
"Oh really? It was easy in my days, when he still taught Charms. How was he ever made Headmaster, when he can't even hold on to his lemon sherbert?"
"Didn't you go to Baguette Maguique Academy?" Reggie asked.
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because they can't handle a little energy, that's why"
"Alright let's just get this over with" said Lucius and joined Bella over the treshold. "I do want to want to be rested for the Matiné tomorrow"
The four of them took the stairs to the ground floor, dismantling security charms as necessary. The Master's Ring sat on a velvet cushion in a glass case in the relic hall. Lucius hauled out his snake cane and began to lift the protective charms.
"Have you covered charm dismantling in class yet?" he asked in a low voice.
"No" Reggie replied.
"But I have done it" said Snape.
"You haven't?" said Lucius.
"What did I say" said Bella, assisting in the dismantling. "Don't make somebody the Headmaster that you can take sweets from"
"Oh dear, oh dear" said Lucius. "Hogwarts used to be a respected school, but it's turned into a joke. They are so afraid of turning their students into criminals that they can't teach anything useful. The founders wanted it to be for nobility only. Now they are so desperate they owl anybody as soon as they turn eleven, even if they are muggles and squibs"
"And other things" said Snape.
"My letter got lost in the mail and they literally knocked down our door over it" Reggie recalled. "Mother had to destroy a very valuable rug that ate mudblood feet because a half-breed stepped on it. She could have bought a new one because father is an attorney and he sued the school for half it's worth because it was Christmas. But, you know, 'It was 400 years old!'"
The dismantling was close to finished when Reggie thought he could hear a squeaking trolley. Turning, he saw the janitor on wobbly legs transporting cleaning stuff in the middle of the night and whispered to the others to look. The old man posed no real threat, not only because he was clearly drunk but also because, being a janitor, he was most likely also a squib.
"Also, left handed, judging from the position of the items" said Reggie.
"Also, dead, judging by my wand pointing at the dumb look on his face" said Bella, her wand raised to kill. "Avada Keda-"
"We've been through this" said Lucius and pushed her wand down. "That attracts unnecessary attention. We don't actually need to kill anything if it's not a muggle"
"But it's just a janitor"
"You know the green light attracts snooping orphans like light attracts moths"
"Fine. Jellify!"
The jellify beam hit a glass case with an ancient sword and turned it all to jelly. A rubber chicken soared over their heads, knocked out the janitor and returned to the colonnade that separated the relic hall from the foyer before they even noticed it.
"Who's there?" Lucius asked.
The colonnade pillars giggled.
"Knock knock!" they yelled.
"I just asked: who's there?"
"Juno!"
"Juno who- damn it"
"Ha ha ha he said You-Know-Who!"
"For Goat's sake let's just kill them so I can go home and watch telly already" said Bella.
Butts exposed themselves beside the pillars, each baring a tattoo of a butt framed by a tapeworm forming a double M.
"Very funny" said Bella, not shocked from offence for very long.
"Look!" said Lucius and pointed up at a large mark hanging mid-air, identical to the tattoos. It was all very upsetting.
"Stop stalling!" Bella yelled and went to the colonnade, where multiple jets of some sort of liquid burnt holes in her mask and made her cry from pain. The culprits rolled on roller skates from the pillars and across the main relic room in butt masks and formal shorts with briefcases bearing what had to be their name; The Mischief Managers. They squirted acid jets in all directions and were so quick on the wheels that they were easy to miss, especially because there were so many podiums and pillars to hide behind.
"Misman Springroll!" came the first, snared Lucius with extendable finger traps while he was shocked from being burnt in the face by acid, and smashed him into a class case where he passed out in a puddle of shards.
"Misman Eggnog!" came the second and knocked out Bella with a rubber chicken while she had her back turned aiming at another Misman. "Kung Pow!"
A Misman Macadamia unleashed a can of bubble gum boa constrictors on Snape, one of which swallowed him whole. As the last one standing, Reggie was just about to fire away at an inactive Misman who just hung around trembling in a boob apron when a sharp pain hit the back of his head and everything went black.
James removed his mask to breathe. Then he squatted by one of the Death Eaters and doodled the Misman insignia on his mask, just to give the aurors and press something to talk about.
"Why didn't you introduce yourself?" he asked Peter.
"Because" said Peter "I don't want to be Clotted Cream, or Sour Milk"
Sirius also bent down to scribble on a Death Eater mask.
"Low Fat was my favourite, because it's ironic. Ow!"
Sirius winced, because Remus could pinch really hard.
"I wish there had been more of them" said James, capping his pen now. "Because I am in love with your catch phrases"
"There's plenty more where those came from" said Sirius, tapping himself on the crack.
Auror sirens rang in the distance, alerting the criminals that they were coming to get them. The boys wanted to get out of the museum before they arrived, to maintain an air of mystery.
"Ok Moo have you signed yours?" James asked.
"Yes" Remus replied downbeat.
"You sound downbeat"
"Well, I was violated today. It's going to take a while to get over that"
"I was violated today too so I can sympathise" said Sirius, sighing over scorched follicles.
"I guess you're even then" said James.
"Well I don't know. The back of my head looks a litte weird now"
"The back of my my butt looks a little weird now!" Remus snapped.
"Guys let's just get smashed when we get back" said James. "That always speeds up the forgiving process"
"We're already on that" said Sirius, sharing a bottle of rum with Remus and soon enough they were whispering and giggling. Then he signed an as of yet unsigned Death Eater and zapped him from the building.
"Double Gloucester. That was a good one too"
"I like Latte best" said James. "Let's go with Latte"
It was agreed that Peter was to be known as Misman Latte. Hearing the aurors coming, the boys ran up the stairs to the janitor office, climbed up on the roof from a window and just posed on the roof for a minute before they got back inside and escaped through the lavatory.
