Wazzup Witches?

"This sucks!" exclaimed Chris. "I was supposed to look after two people… Two people!"

"Chris," said Lee, "if you'd just quit your worrying long enough to sit down and breathe maybe you'd see that things really aren't all that bad."

Chris didn't even know where to begin and his ability to form sentences was temporarily out of service. "Not?… How?… What?" he stuttered. "Not that bad? How could they be worse?"

"Lotsa ways," replied Lee. "Steve could've been seriously hurt, Jared could have torn the roof off of the house, taking us all with him…"

"I can't…" Chris began. "Could you please just… get mad? Or disappointed? At least a little annoyed?"

"I dunno… I think you're handling it pretty well by yourself…" Lee replied.

"Lee…" began Chris, his patience clearly slipping. "I'm sorry, I just… can't deal with Captain Sunshine right now," Chris said, shaking his head in frustration.

"Alright, if you say so," Lee conceded. "You're exactly right. Everything this morning is all entirely your fault, and while we're on the subject of responsibility, the sooner you write that letter of apology for single-handedly causing world hunger AND the Backstreet Boys Reunion Tour, the better all of our lives will be."

Unable to cope with Lee's optimism, Chris walked up to the doorframe and began to continually knock his head against the wall. It was soft enough to not cause any damage, but loud enough to create an audible knocking sound.

"Chris, I'm not saying everything's been sunshine and roses," Lee explained, "but a lot of good things have happened that maybe wouldn't have if things had gone the way you'd planned."

"Oh God!" Chris whimpered, to no one in particular. "Somebody make the boy stop!"

"For instance, now we know that Jared can pretty much thread a needle with a passing breeze as long as he believes he can…"

"Ugh!" Chris groaned, continuing to knock his head.

And still Lee continued: "We've totally broken the ice with Mom so we can all just relax."

"No more! No more!" whined Chris, his knocks getting softer and softer.

"And finally," Lee said enthusiastically, "if you're gonna lead without expecting a few bumps in the road, you'll make yourself nuts and wanna do things like… Oh, I dunno... butt your head against the wall."

Chris concluded his mock (kind of) self-torment with a single, final knock.

"Wuzzup witches?" chanted Steve as he slid through the kitchen door.

"Oh God!" Chris said again, and recommenced butting his head against the wall.

"Wuzzup bruthah?"Lee responded, offering a high-5. "How're you feeling?"

"Okay… Lee Lee…" clipped Steve, pretending to be annoyed. "Just so we're clear… You and me… we ain't happenin' at the moment…"

Steve smirked. "Unless…"

"Steve, I'm 15, not 5," said Lee, rolling his eyes.

"Come on… Gimme some love!" Steve exclaimed, pointing towards his face.

Out of curiosity (and pain), Chris stopped his self-induced torture and looked at his two brothers, sitting next to one another at the kitchen table.

Lee put his hand up towards the center of Steve's face and "gave him back his nose."

"Aw yeah!" said Steve excitedly. "That's the stuff!"

Chris looked painfully confused. "Do I wanna know?" he asked Lee.

"I took his nose." Lee said, letting his head bob a bit.

"For future reference," Chris said snidely, "'No' would have been the better answer."

Lee teased Chris with a gigantic wink and an enthusiastic 'thumbs up' at the same time. Yet again, Steve lightened the mood at a time that was particularly inconvenient for the oldest brother.

Chris noticed that the gray t-shirt and jeans Steve had put on were a little snug. "Are those Dad's clothes?" he asked.

"Yeah," Steve sighed. "Unfortunately, my duffle bag didn't sleepwalk through the time portal with me."

"That's not really what happened, is it?" asked Chris. He wasn't sure if his question was unheard or unnoticed but definitely went unanswered.

"The wrap look wasn't workin' for ya', huh?" asked Lee.

"You mean the throw blanket?" Steve asked. "Well, I considered it, because it felt quite comfortable against my legs, but there was just a smidge too much freedom in the…"

"Steve!" snapped Chris.

"Yes, my queen?" Steve asked sincerely.

"Could you please be serious for 10 whole minutes?"

"I've only got 9, but they're all yours," replied Steve with a wink.

Chris pushed his hands to his face and groaned. "Why, God? Of all the people to sleepwalk through a time portal…"

Steve leaned down towards Lee's ear and asked lowly. "What's wrong with the D.Q.?"

"He's upset that Mom went after Jared instead of him," sighed Lee

"Steve, would you please stop calling me that?" he snapped. "It's starting to grow mold."

"Lee," said Steve, "What have you done with my 'Periwinkle'?"

"Get out!" Chris moaned, before Lee could answer.

"Me? What'd I do?" asked Steve.

"You came in here with your little sarcastic 'Go team, go!' attitude," replied Chris.

Lee was curious. "What other attitude does he have?" he asked.

"Exactly my point!" Chris answered. He then looked back at his prime annoyance. "Out!"

"Well, if I go, the Squirt is comin' with me!" Steve threatened.

"Hey!" objected Lee. "I am SO Switzerland over here."

One of Steve's greatest pleasures in life was to give Chris a hard time and it had been since he could speak. Though Chris tried desperately to convince his parents that he was being constantly tormented, it seemed that they just "happened" to never notice. The truth of the matter was that both Piper and Leo thought the chiding was, in some twisted sort of way, healthy for both Chris and Steve alike. It was helpful for Chris because Steve kept him from taking himself too seriously… and for Steve because Chris was a means of (hopefully) measuring when he had taken his dry whit a little too far. Though this little arrangement was very effective the majority of the time, it failed miserably in times of personal crisis.

The history of Chris and Steve's relationship was riddled with humorous stories. This little 'visit' back in time would give their young parents the chance to hear many. However, today the stakes were pretty high, which meant that Chris and Steve were at their most extreme, and that, to put it politely, was never a pretty picture.

After a moment of silence past, it was understood that Steve would be staying in the room, provided he adhere to the unspoken rule: no talking to Chris.

"So… Who cooked the kitchen?" asked Steve, looking around.

"Well," Lee began, "Jared was making coffee with lightening"

"Nice!" said Steve, sounding genuinely proud.

Chris just paced back and forth, feeling a little hurt that Lee was talking to Steve and not to him. The reality was, Lee was merely responding to what Steve was saying and not ignoring Chris at all. In fact, Lee was trying to keep his comments in the lighthearted zone to spare Chris any hurt feelings. Even so, Chris was in a wallowing mood, and when these moods would come, he always seemed to feel that everyone around should be wallowing too, even if only out of respect.

"Then," Lee continued. "Mom accidentally blasted him into the upper cabinets."

"Wow! Poor guy…" said Steve, looking at the oven clock, "and it's not even nine yet."

"Yeah, it's been a busy morning," said Lee. "I dunno… With Jared, he's never had to work hard at anything," continued Lee. "and now he's probably got the hardest power to control in the history of magic."

"Yeah, but it's the COOLEST power EVER," said Steve. "And before he nearly killed me, he was actually doin' a pretty decent job."

At that moment, Lee and Steve looked up at Chris as he approached the table, a defeated look on his face. "I'd like some Purple Pancakes, please!" claimed Chris.

The room went silent as Chris sat down to speak with his brothers. He had used one of the many Funny Food Phrases that the entire family helped to make up to simplify communication. They were often surprisingly specific as well, but tended to communicate ideas that weren't easy for a person to say due to their pride, weakness, etc.

Chris, being among the prouder of the Halliwell sons, tended to bend the rules of asking a little bit. The specific phrase was supposed to begin with 'May I have…", followed by the funny food the person was "ordering," and it had to end with the word, 'please.' Chris tended to substitute the "May I" with "I'd like." After awhile, no one seemed to mind, as long as it would help him drop his guard for a moment.

The general idea behind Purple Pancakes is "I need someone to notice that I'm sad" or "Be careful with me because I'm feeling fragile." You get the idea.

The affirmative response to the request was…

"Comin' right up!" Steve responded, much calmer than he had been just seconds ago.

"It's all my fault," Chris said, sadly. "The coffee maker, the hurricane from hell; they were my fault."

"How do you figure?" asked Steve, sincerely.

"I'm so afraid to let him use his powers," Chris explained. "I want to run out there and tell him he can use all the appliances at the same and make as many indoor tornadoes as he wants but…"

"You're scared?" asked Lee.

"Yeah," Chris replied with a sigh. "How am I ever going to prove to him I believe he can handle his powers… if I don't… And, I don't know why… because he was doing it perfectly…"

Steve reached behind Chris and began to rub his back to comfort him.

"His first time and I have to go and…" began Chris, stopping himself before he became emotional. "And I feel like a complete jackass because… I still don't want him doing any of the stuff."

"Well, you're right to not let him." Steve said firmly.

"What do you mean?" asked Chris, surprised by his reaction.

"It's just like you've said, I mean… it's not safe," Steve explained. "Just look at what he did to the wall and the coffee maker!"

"But that was partly my fault," argued Chris.

"How? You didn't send lightening into the wall," responded Steve, a smidge defensive.

"But who knows?" asked Chris. "Maybe if he hadn't been rushing toward it, it wouldn't have happened."

Steve seemed to be getting annoyed. "Maybe, but then there's the tornado in the hallway."

Chris was stunned by Steve's comments and he no longer felt like they were discussing, but arguing. "But he was just trying to help, I mean…"

"Wouldn't it have been safer for everyone to just let me fall and see if I could manage?" asked Steve, his voice getting firmer and louder.

"He couldn't just… NOT help. I mean, if he thought he could do something…" Chris said, feeling his neck tense.

Steve stood up to respond, becoming louder and more defensive, "Okay, but how many more toasters does the boy have to break before he figures out it's not safe to go messing with electrical crap?"

Chris stood up as well, matching Steve in volume and conviction. "But it would break… I dunno… break his spirit."

"But he BROKE the COFFEE MAKER!" Steve loudly exclaimed.

Chris had had enough. "Well, better a broken coffee maker than a…" (and the light bulb came on) "…broken brother."

Steve was grinning at Chris like a fool. "Gotcha!"

Chris grinned suspiciously in Steve's direction. "You did that on purpose."

Lee looked up from his spot between the two, having enjoyed the debate like a tennis match. "Yeah, he did!"

"Who's hungry?" Steve sang, grinning ear to ear.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Me," he said flatly…

"Can I take your order?" Steve continued, starting to dance from side to side.

Chris shrugged and sighed. He felt he might as well say it; it was going to happen anyway. "I'd like some blue butter, please," he said with eyes rolling.

Steve cheered as he opened his arms enthusiastically. "Comin' right up!"

Chris was nearly always squashed by the strength of Steve's bear hugs, but it was always the sloppy smooch on the cheek that seemed the most bothersome.

"Ya' know," Chris said to Steve, "One of these day's I'm going to make it through an entire hour and still be pissed off at you," he chuckled.

Steve let Chris out of the hug, but kept his hands on his shoulders. He looked deeply into Chris' eyes and, with his best soap opera voice, he said, "We'll get there together."