Home thoughts from abroad. Or abroad thoughts from Home. Or something.

Chapter seven: The Sultana. Or perhaps a Begum.

Being a series of letters and postcards to Ankh-Morpork from two recent school-leavers on a gap year touring the Howondalandian continent.

Carrying on the story, more or less, from the Discworld Tarot short "The Princess of Wands". In which two "Princesses" of the correct airy/fiery disposition go travelling. There will be descriptions of Discworld nations and peoples here which in the best Pratchett tradition will be taken Up Past Eleven and which may have odd echoes of places on Earth. I leave it to my readers to make up their own minds as to which parts of the general Mediterranean/North African/Middle Eastern area may or may not be getting the treatment here.

Mariella and Rivka are, currently, in Rimwards Klatch and have been faced with a conundrum. They may have to manumit a slave. With or without the consent or indeed the knowledge of his current owner. They have found a way of sending safe communications home. But there is also the problem of the Sultana to resolve. And she will turn out to be neither sweet nor wrinkly.

Odd to write a sotry featuring a Smith-Rhodes where Johanna is at best a cameo character. But hey. she's a young working mother these days and can't leave the kids at home for too long while she's off concluding a contract. The torch has to pass to others...

Now read on…

March. we move away, for the moment, from the deeper part of Rimwards Klatch, around the desert oases of Tzit and Otherz and the remote hidden settlement of En-al-Sams-la-Raisa, where people have settled for very little. But this part of the story happens a couple of thosand miles away.

Intermission: Minutes of a Meeting of the Dark Council of the Guild of Assassins.

Minutes taken by Miss Hortensia Wilmslowe, Personal Assistant to the Dark Council.

Classification: extremely restricted.

Members Present:

Lord Donald Downey, Guild Master. (DD) - Chair

Lady Roberta de Meserole, Minister of State without Portfolio, the Palace. (RdM)

Lady T'Malia: Politics, Political Expediency, SehrRealPolitik (LT'M)

Miss Joan Sanderson-Reeves: Deportment, Elocution, Ordinary and Advanced Domestic Science, Head of Day School. (JS-R 1)

Mr Henri Le Balouard; Dance, Deportment, Quirmian Language, Energetic and Flamboyant Espionage. (HlB)

Doctor Xavier Perdore; Brindisian Language and Customs, Intelligence Gathering And Evaluation (XP)

Mr Grune Nivor; Edificeering, Physical Education, Traps and Pitfalls (GN)

Mr H. Mericet, Alchemy, Inimical Alchemy, Poison Strategy, Use of Applied Sarcasm, Hyperbole, Litotes and Metaphor (HM)

Mr Brown, QCIC (Guild Internal and External Investigation) (B)

Mr H.V. Winvoe, Guild Bursar, Treasurer and Principal Financial Officer (HW)

The Compte de Yoyo; Geography, Field Studies, Practical Applied Geography (CdY)

The Right Reverend Clement N'Effible, Guild Chaplain, Religious Studies, Theology, Localised and Bespoke Immanetisation of the Eschaton (CN'E)

The Honourable Miss Alice Band; History, Archaeology (conventional and Stealth), Edificeering, Traps and Pitfalls (AB)

Also Present:

Doctor Johanna Smith-Rhodes-Stibbons; Biology, Natural Studies, Zoology, Unconventional and Assymetric Combat, Exothermic Alchemy, Howondalandian Languages (Saturdays only and evenings by prior arrangement). (J-SR 2)

Matron Igorina; School Matron, Personal and Social Development, First Aid, Intermediate Medical Care, Advanced Heroic Surgery (MI)

The newest member to the Dark Council, Miss Alice Band, was welcomed by all present and Lord Downey expressed his personal confidence that her observations and reflections will be as pithy, relevant and considered as we could expect of her. She will be a valued addition to the team who steer Guild policy and its application to current events around the Disc.

This was seconded by JSR1, who expressed the opinion that another sensible woman at the table was damn welcome, and while she'd heard a lot of damnfool nonsense spoken about gender imbalance, in her experience a lot of women were every bit as capable of speaking utter rot as a lot of men, so if we're going to actively select for women, better we get the bright and able ones like Alice on board.

The first item on the agenda was the recent critical situation in Cenotia, and its apparent resolution in what is now being called a "border clash" in the disputed Golem Heights.

AB noted that whenever JSR2 is in receipt of a despatch from her younger sister, everybody in the Staffroom listens when JSR2 obligingly reads it out loud. Her on-the-spot translations of the letters into Morporkian are appreciated, by the way.

"Ah, yes." DD said. "The younger sister." DD then spoke approvingly of the way two recent graduates of the school are already establishing a reputation, so very soon after graduating. GN remarked as to whether there was any doubt at all concerning either, who appeared to be stellar starred-A candidates who put him in mind of Pteppic and Chidder, two of the finest students he had had the pleasure of educating.

HM observed that both graduates had a depressing tendency to stretch, if not actively breach, School Rules. RdM made the observation that the very best Assassins tend to be the ones who have the gumption to test the boundaries and seek to break the rules. This teaches them when to take risks intelligently, and to find the loopholes allowing them to apply innovative thought to intractable situations. As many people sitting around this table should remember, Donald.

Oh yes, said HlB. That little business of getting intermediaries to place large cash bets on her running prowess. Nearly five thousand dollars, wasn't it, when she was found out?(1) Quite a few School Rules not only broken, but shattered, there. All at once. And the other young lady. Looked like butter wouldn't melt, but an absolute demon in a fight. Madame Emmanuelle had a lot of work to do there.

MI then observed, as did I. Miss ben-Devorah was a reliable cause of small medical tasks to occupy my time. Little incidents occurring to others, which in the main combined remarkably little lasting injury with a maximum of pain and discomfort. She was quite good at that. Now the new academic year has commenced I find myself missing her.

LT'M echoed the general praise of the two graduates under discussion, remarking it was an absolute shame, from the point of view of miss Smith-Rhodes, that an even better student was in her year. Otherwise she, Miss Mariella Smith-Rhodes, would have walked away at the top of her year with the coveted Dagger of Honour. She has to be content with second place. Out of, she believed, over a hundred students who were advanced to the Final Run. Johanna, my dear, you and your family must be so proud?

JSR2 acknowledged this, but added the caveat that the first year after graduation is the most dangerous one, where a new graduate has the confidence but not the experience, and is most likely to become dangerously over-confident. Getting the Dagger of Honour is no defence against this. She expressed what she called a nagging concern, that her sister and her friend might push it just a little too far without a more experienced Senior Assassin to guide and mentor them. Indeed, she had brought current concerns to the attention of the Dark Council, even though she suspected Lord Downey had heard of the complicated situation already through his own channels. It was necessary to make sure.

DD said that happily, and mindful of a continuing duty of care, we may be able to provide local guidance to the travellers. But more later.

The Golem Heights incident was discussed in depth. DD stated that he was most pleased with the extensive Press coverage which placed the Guild in a very good light, as a public-spirited organisation prepared to put itself out for the common good and whose members were prepared to undertake pro-bono work in an demonstrably good cause. He was in the rare position of having received unqualified approval from the Palace, in fact. It appeared he had Miss Smith-Rhodes and Miss ben-Devorah to thank for the positive public relations which cannot easily be quantified in real money.

JSR1 said JSR2 should now move in quickly to get some sort of cash payment for her sister, while he's in a good mood. HW intervened quickly to say any ex-gratia cash payment in recognition of exceptional achievement should properly be concluded here by full Dark Council, and he was happy to advise on the upper limit that Guild finances, somewhat strained in these trying times, could afford.

Miss Band broke in to say that if we're discussing finances, she'd received some quite interesting information direct from Miss ben-Devorah concerning hitherto unexcavated archaeological sites in the Golems, with iconographs, and she felt that in the forthcoming School holiday, she and say fifteen Guild students could be accommodated very inexpensively at the nearby kibbutz. The possibility of further armed conflict, however remote it now seems, would be an additional educational bonus for the students. All the School had to stump up was travelling costs. And in the circumstances, she thought the Klatchians would pay attention to another named Assassin plus students being very openly in the vicinity, and be further deterred from doing anything stupid.

This was taken under consideration as a very valid point. LT'M, RdM and JSR1 all offered vocal support to AB's proposal, as did CdY.

JSR2 said, in the circumstances, $AM5,000 each to both young ladies sounded about right as an ex-gratia payment for exceptional achievement. And for the good PR. But then, she had an interest to declare and as she is not a Council member, she was aware she could not formally propose this.

HW very quickly intervened and said he thought the Guild could go as high as $AM2,500 per person. This was unanimously approved and will be held in abeyance until our members return.

DD summarised the incalculable benefits of the Golem Resolution for the guild as being

Very good PR in the newspapers;

The goodwill of the Palace who were reminded that the Guild helped the Patrician resolve his policy objectives in the area;

Enhanced friendship and goodwill with the Cenotian Government, who were now predisposed to allow the Guild to open a bureau in Tel Ari, thus increasing our reach into the Klatchian continent;

A reminder to our Brothers-in-Assassination of the Hashishim that we are not to be underestimated and have legitimate interests in the Continent, where they have hitherto enjoyed a trade monopoly. Not, obviously, that we have anything other than the most cordial relationship with them, oh dear me no. He asked for key parts of this point to be italicised in the minutes.

RdM, whose status is that of an intermediary with the Palace, added that the actions of the two operatives in the Golems served to fulfil the main drift of Ankh-Morporkian foreign policy in the region. She summed the key points thus:

To prevent open warfare which is detrimental to everyone's economic interests and can destabilise the economies of the entire Circle Sea region, which is always unstable and somewhat volatile.

To oblige the Klatchian Empire to split and disperse its not insignificant armed forces over the maximum number of widely separated potential and actual flashpoints.

To weaken and publicly embarrass the Klatchian administration. The work of the Ankh-Morpork Times and especially its freelance reporter Miss Suki van der Graaf is noted here, especially that newspapers in five countries eventually carried her copy in seven different languages.

To indirectly strengthen our closest ally on the continent, to wit, Rimwards Howondaland.

In the opinion of RdM, all these objectives were admirably fulfilled, and Havelock wishes his thanks to discreetly be communicated to Miss Smith-Rhodes and Miss ben-Devorah. He also suggests that if they were to find the informal job offers they have received from their own nations to be morally or ethically dubious, they might wish to consider becoming naturalised citizens of Ankh-Morpork and take up Palace employment.

XP drew attention to the strange and inexplicable fires that raged through a semi-permanent Klatchian Army base depot on their side of the Golems, not far from the scene of the engagement. His sources point to the odd fact that whilst no more than a hundred Klatchian regular soldiers were based there, storerooms at the barracks, until quite recently, contained weapons, provisions and stores potentially capable of arming up to three thousand men.

GN queried the phrase "until quite recently".

XP clarified the point that the fires appeared to have, sadly for the Klatchians, totally destroyed the armouries, the food ration stores, the warehouse containing tents, blankets and other paraphernalia an army on the march requires to sustain itself, together with a goodly part of the wagon park which would have carried such material to men on an advance deep into enemy country. The losses will take the Klatchians some time to make good.

CN'E commented that for a series of random accidental fires, they appear to have happened in some key places with a complete minimum of human or animal fatality. One might almost assume a God had intervened.

XP and HlB confirmed that their information is that the Klatchians, after investigation of the fires, are forced to conclude this was down to a series of accidents brought about by sloppy practice. After all, cigarette butts and spent matches were found in places such as the oil store, where men had no business to be smoking. Especially when the oil involved is the notoriously flammable mixture used to fuel Klatchian Fire Engines, expensive ordnance of which possibly a dozen hard-to-replace examples were utterly destroyed in the fires. It is interesting the majority of people would not have recognised such devoces, but all of them were destroyed in the blaze as if indeed, Chaplain, it were an Act of the sort of God who the priests tell us abominates such things.

CN'E mildly said the Gods move in strange ways and often employ human intermediaries, such as, perhaps, people trained over seven years to recognise such devices, and who have the necessary trade competencies to faithfully serve the Gods in these matters.

AB pointed to the little problem inherent here, that surely cigarette butts and spent matches would also have been utterly consumed in such an intense conflagration. Johanna, correct me if I'm wrong, but you sent your sister a large delivery of, er, fireworks, for her to celebrate the midwinter and New Year celebrations? And both she and Miss ben-Devorah are graduates from your classes in Exothermic Alchemy?

JSR2 remarked that evidently they did indeed go up with a lot of pretty sparks and colours to delight young and old alike. Unless, perhaps, they were Klatchians who hoped by bandit attacks to provoke a raid across their border with Cenotia, so they could then say Cenotia was guilty of aggression and were entitled to reply in kind, with a measured and restrained force of about three thousand men. Weapons for whom were conveniently already present a mile or two from the border.

And as she teaches in Assymetric Warfare, two people can indeed defeat three thousand, if they are in the correct place at the correct time with the appropriate weapons, and prime them correctly.

Some fireworks, said B.

Havelock is pleased, said RdM. For the reasons summarised above.

XP then informed the meeting that unofficially, the Klatchian authorities now belatedly suspect two Assassins from this Guild, who have helpfully been named along with convenient identifying iconographs in many newspapers, were responsible for an act of grand arson. And that the two young ladies so implicated are currently travelling through Klatch, albeit clandestinely. At the very least they should be so advised, and instructed to leave Klatchian jurisdiction as soon as possible.

RdM said this can be done via the Pegasus Service, who have established contact with the two operatives, now known to be in the remote settlement of En al Sams la Raisa. Messages can discreetly be conveyed to the Consulate there.

Michaelmas Selachii? remarked CdY. Who offered the opinion that even for a Selachii, Michaelmas was a completely useless clueless tit. Pardon his Quirmian.

Je t'excuse, mon ami, said HlB. Je suis completement d'accord.

Hence his posting, RdM said. Not even Havelock can sack a Selachii from government service. The old noble families have certain privileges. He has to minimise the potential for embarrassment as best he can. Hence his posting to an unsavoury oasis in the middle of a desert to drink himself to death on orakh, and entertain himself with a growing collection of artistic iconongraphs. And Fat Ima.

Which leads us to the other pressing issues raised by our young ladies, said DD, getting the discussion back on track. You have all been briefed. I agree this presents certain problems. Your thoughts, ladies and gentlemen?

HM said that the situation with young Mr Lensen, who he had always considered to be at most a borderline candidate and in many ways an unsatisfactory pupil, did not really surprise him one little bit. He had realised there was a potential for trouble right on the very first day he arrived, when he had been uncautious enough to call Miss Ruth N'Kweze, to her face, a "kaffir housegirl." (2)

Cn'E remarked that Mr Lensen had been very fortunate to only have been warned about his conduct. In his opinion, his esteemed half-sister could get quite touchy about these things, as indeed he could, but quite properly realised restraint and diplomacy was called for.

I have learnt respect for female graduates of this Guild. HM remarked. Miss Ruth N'Kweze is also a valued member of teaching staff here. I spoke sternly to Mr Lensen, reminded him the social protocols of White Howondaland do not apply here and that our relationship with me, as his Housemaster, had not got off to the best of starts. I assigned him the exercise of researching and writing a detailed essay on the history of the Zulu Paramount Royal House, as clearly his education at Home had been woefully deficient in such matters, and to clearly ponder upon Miss n'Kweze's membership of that House and what it entails in terms of, for instance, respect and common courtesy. But as we agreed, not a good start. I also believe Doctor Smith-Rhodes, in her capacity as pastoral guide to White Howondalandian students, also had occasion to speak to him sternly concerning his attitudes and conduct.

JSR2 confirmed Ja, many times. She also suspected Mr Lensen had been recruited by the Bureau of State Security to act as spy on his compatriots, including herself, with the result of many BOSS files being opened at the Embassy and her own file, as well as that of Miss van Kruger, getting somewhat thicker and fatter. She believed Lensen's prize for graduating would be to spend his National Service as an officer of BOSS, an active willing volunteer for that service, something many other students for whom she has pastoral responsibility are actively striving to avoid.

DD explained that selection of students to do what is known as the Ultimate Vimes Run on the night of their Final Exam is not haphazard or random. Students who are thought to benefit from this are sent on the discretionary module, developed in co-operation with Sir Samuel, knowing the vast majority will fail. The exam then becomes a test of their resolution and determination to succeed and serves to weed out, without fatalities, the ones who do not have what it takes at the final hurdle. Unfortunately, Mr Lensen somehow fatally offended Sir Samuel, which is most unwise. He was then vectored on the Extra Year option, where he was told, on disembarking from his ship in Ymitury, that his task was to make it to the Guild office in Pratoria, in his native country, within a year and a day. It would appear he only made it as far as Klatch, where we are informed he was captured for sale as a slave in Al-Khali.

LT'M observed that for all practical purposes, Mr Lensen was obliged to do what Miss Smith-Rhodes and Miss ben-Devorah are doing for pleasure and leisure travel. To cross the whole continent. She, LT'M, found it somewhat inevitable that their paths would cross at some point.

This is not good, said RdM. She agreed the boy sounds an utter idiot, but already Mr van der Graaf, the concerned Ambassador, is preparing an official request for information from the Klatchian Ambassador concerning the fate of a citizen of Rimwards Howondaland. Somebody must have told him. I can't think who.

JSR2 was seen to look impassive.

DD agreed that this did not look good at all. For one thing, a lot of Assassin equipment has fallen into the hands of the Klatchians, and a priority must be its retrieval.

JSR1 reminded DD that a Guild student had also been condemned to a life of slavery. Even the biggest waste of oxygen did not, in her opinion, deserve this.

AB opined that she had no doubt at all that Rivka and Mariella could extract him and get him out. She knew both to be incredibly able people even as students, and remarked that she'd very nearly felt guilty about sending both on the Vimes Run as a necessary corrective. A necessary reminder that even the very best will run into difficulties where they cannot hope to win. But, she said. Can they do it without being pursued by the Klatchians, and would taking a complete idiot into tow act as a liability to them, making it more likely they'd get caught in a country where they are already wanted for arson?

B reminded the meeting about the informal exam rules, where a student on the Extra Year option, if they encounter graduate Assassins, may expect a degree of support, if only out of normal human decency and the general expectation that Guild members look out for each other. But, and this is important, the student on the Extra Year cannot and must not expect any Assassin he or she meets to resolve their difficulties for them. This can be seen by the Exam Committee of which he, Mr Brown, was a member, as cheating and an excessive degree of assistance. The situation practically obliged Miss Smith-Rhodes and Miss ben-Devorah to offer minimal assistance – Mr Lensen must put in a significant amount of the work for himself in breaking out of his imprisonment. If they do it for him, it does not count and will contribute towards his failing his exam. Indeed, full reports will be required for the Exam Committee, when finally deciding whether or not Mr Lensen is worthy of a pink slip.

It was decided the Ladies in Klatch should be fully appraised of this consideration and allowed to make their own decision. At the very least they were to retrieve Mr Lensen's working equipment, even if they could not rescue the man himself. To sweeten the pill, it was to be made a formal contract, say three thousand each after Guild Tax and subject to conditions.

JSR1 asked – what if they can't let him out? Boy was an irritating little tick, she knew, but slavery? Or, it occurred to her, interrogation by Khufurah's special palace employees?

DD made a decision. He pronounced Let it be known, for the record, they may have to administer the Misericordia. Let us hope it does not come to that.

After a silence, the other Issue Arising was discussed. AB said that in her opinion, Miss Miriam bint-Alhazred, Sultana of En al Sams la Raisa, had been a fairly honest, diligent, and conscientious student. Her conception of honesty, however, was a uniquely Klatchian one based on the definition of the word in that nation. Which may differ in many respects from ours. Klatch is, after all, a very old sophisticated nation, with all that implies.

CdY said you have been warned.

AB said Precisely. But based on her understanding of Klatchian custom, Miss Smith-Rhodes and Miss ben-Devorah can count on her for precisely three days of sacred hospitality. Which means they're completely safe. After those seventy-two hours have elapsed, however, they had better run like hell. But three days should buy those two capable people the time they need to resolve things. I'd be very surprised otherwise.

DD said that for the duration of three days, they then have a competent and very able Senior Assassin, with experience of contract completions, who is obliged by the law of Sacred Hospitality to assist, guide and advise to the best of her ability. The Guild will also send her a suitable letter of introduction. Our people can sink without trace into a safe house. For seventy-two hours. Good.

It was agreed to so advise Miss Smith-Rhodes and Miss ben-Devorah by urgent Pegasus. JSR2 was requested to prepare any personal messages of her own.

With no further business, Lord Downey thanked everybody for their time and attention, and the meeting rose.


(1) refer to my tale Hyperemesis Gravidarum, in which Mariella stings the bookies for quite a lot of useful cash to supplement her pocket money allowance.

(2) See my story The Black Sheep. Where Mariella Smith-Rhodes and her draft of new students from Rimwards Howondaland arrive at the Guild, aged eleven. Horst Lensen stood out then, for all the wrong reasons.