A/N: I know I say it every time, but thanks so much for your amazing reviews. I hope this chapter justifies your praise and support!
Part 7
'Why?' Cal thought, 'that's a bloody good question!'
Gillian had trusted him with something incredibly personal and he had treated it like a bargaining chip and used it to gamble with her emotions. However, he knew trust was a two way contract and right now the least she deserved in return was his honesty.
"I'll tell you why love," he began, "because I'm a bloody idiot, that's why!"
Unable to stop herself Gillian's feelings spoke for her.
"A selfish bastard is a better description I think," she said curtly.
Inwardly flinching at the stab of pain caused by her justifiable animosity, Cal continued.
"I think that sums it up perfectly actually," he agreed with a grim smile, "but you know me Gill, never could stop myself from being a complete prick and running my mouth off!"
Gillian almost smiled at that point, sometimes Cal's self deprecation could be quite charming, that or she was just a hopeless fool for falling for it! But this time was different; he hadn't used the glib comment as a deflection, he had meant it. Studying Cal intently, Gillian was surprised to see that the man currently sitting in front of her was no longer concealed, his thoughts, feelings and emotions were clearly displayed for her and if she was honest with herself, it was a little disconcerting. This was a Cal she saw rarely and usually only when he was very tired or very drunk; but tonight she recognised the driving force for his revelation - guilt and regret. The knowledge that this was the real Cal, the true person who he was loathe to reveal, enforced the sincerity of his regret and her anger toward him loosened its grip a little.
Noticing the slight tremor of his hands, Gillian's innate sense of compassion drove her to stand and retrieve a bottle of scotch and two glasses from the kitchen. As she placed a half full glass into Cal's waiting hand, he quickly grabbed her wrist before she retreated. Looking down into his now expressive eyes, she saw more than could ever be conveyed by mere conversation.
He was deeply ashamed of himself, his remorse and regret were unmistakable but what she saw most was his desperation and longing. Longing for her to understand his flaws, but still love him anyway and forgive him for them; desperation for her not to give up on him and an overwhelming yearning that she would grant him the salvation of trying to redeem his actions. The raw honesty of his exposed vulnerability almost drove Gillian to her knees and she valiantly tried to blink away a sudden flood of tears.
"Don't cry darlin'," Cal whispered, "I don't deserve it."
With that declaration, Gillian's defences crumbled and the last thread of her restraint snapped. Fierce hot tears forced from her eyes as a painful sob wrenched her throat, Cal pulled her to him but forgiveness wasn't yet forthcoming and she yanked her arm from his grasp, stumbling to fall on the sofa next to him but turning away and again drawing up her knees.
'This is real punishment' Cal thought. Gillian wasn't quick to cry, only when deeply distressed was she unable to hold back the tears and as he watched her now he saw the battle she was having to rein in her emotions and regain control. Disgusted with himself he reached for his glass and poured the fiery liquid down his throat in two long gulps, relishing the burning in his chest.
His despair increased as Gillian reached for the tissues on the table in front of him whilst trying at all costs not to touch him or brush against him. One of the things he loved most about her was her need for physical contact, whilst not being overly demonstrative with her feelings she was always quick to rest her hand on his arm or chest, or brush her fingers over his cheek and he secretly craved those moments, savoured the brief displays of intimacy from her. The fact that at that moment it was so abhorrent for her devastated him and he bit his lower lip to hold back his own misery.
After wiping her eyes, Gillian picked up her glass and took a few delicate sips, needing a minute to collect herself. She hadn't wanted to cry, she was stronger than that; she had really wanted to scream and shout at him, play by his rules and fight back with a few verbal lashings of her own. It might be childish but it was also human. However, his brutal honesty had caught her off guard, so unexpected that it had tested her control and she'd momentarily surrendered; but the pain was still there not quite as sharp but still an aching hollowness in her chest.
Taking a deep breath she decided that if honesty was the theme for the evening, then so be it. Turning to Cal, she saw the uncertainty and expectation on his face; he was desperate for forgiveness whilst also doubtful of his justification for it.
"You really hurt me", she sighed, her voice wavering with barely restrained anguish.
His shoulders fell, and again he scrubbed his hands over his face searching in vain for any words that could adequately express his regret.
"I know love, I really do and believe me when I say I'm so sorry," he was a man of few words when it came to his feelings, and right now he cursed his inability to articulate his true conviction.
"I do believe you Cal, I know you didn't mean to be cruel but you were. Have you any idea how it feels to have your most painful vulnerability thrown in your face by somebody you trust?"
"I do actually," he replied.
Gillian immediately recognised the source of that confirmation.
"Zoe," she said, more of a statement than a question.
Cal nodded, "she did it all the time, told me I was a crap father and a lousy husband. But I was no better I suppose," he admitted. "I know it's no excuse but when I get really angry, I mean really furious it's my defence mechanism. I fall back into 'Cal the complete bastard', that's who I was before, and with Emily earlier. I just can't stop myself from bein' a complete dick!"
"Don't give me that self sacrificing crap Cal," Gillian snapped, "you're an adult, you have to take responsibility for your behaviour."
"I know love and that's why I'm still here, trying to show you how sorry I am and why I didn't just walk out the door and try to ignore this mess."
Gillian nodded, he knew he was sincere with his apology and this time she didn't back away as he leant forward and took her hand in his. Looking deep into her blue eyes he spoke from the heart.
"Gillian, I know I can be a complete pain in the arse, I take you for granted and don't always appreciate you but please believe that you and Emily are the most important people in my life and I promise I will try to never hurt you like that again, even though I can be a thoughtless git sometimes!"
Taken aback by his heartfelt declaration, Gillian disguised how touched she was by his words.
"Only sometimes?" she deflected.
Cal smiled at the diversion but didn't mention it. He stood up and finally took off his coat, deciding to give Gillian a moment to herself. He hung his coat up then walked to the bathroom taking a moment to look in on Emily on his way back, worried that the evenings events might have disturbed her, but he was relieved to see that she was still fast asleep. Returning to the living room he saw that Gillian had turned sideways on the sofa, her long legs now stretched out in front of her. Wondering if he should sit in the recliner, he decided that he needed the soothing influence of her immediate presence to reassure him. He quickly topped up his glass noticing that hers was barley touched, then as he realised she was so immersed in thought she wasn't going to move, he lifted her lower legs then sat down and lowered them back into his lap.
This felt better he thought, resting his arm across her knees as he sipped his drink, now if she would only speak to him!
"So am I forgiven?" he asked with a smirk, always one to push his luck.
"Why do I put up with you?" she asked quietly, her expression one of both sadness and affection.
Raising an eyebrow, and tilting his head endearingly he answered, "cos of my charmin' wit and rugged good looks of course!"
The tension in the room finally dissipated as Gillian laughed genuinely, unable to stop herself.
"I'll tell you why darlin'," he responded honestly this time, "cos you're a bloody angel that's why and God only knows what I did to deserve you in my life but I thank Him every bloody day that you are."
"Oh Cal," she said, reaching across to lightly stroke his arm where it lay across her knees, slightly overwhelmed by his continued honesty.
He turned his wrist to lightly grasp her hand, "I mean it Gillian, thank you for sticking by me."
At the look of complete adoration in his eyes, Gillian's resistance evaporated and she knew she was lost………..
Phew - that was exhausting, I think I deserve a cup of tea!
