Readers: I REALLY hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did!

Again, not mine, not mine, Gwen's mine, and the idea for the story is mine, but all other characters belong to JK.

Also: This chapter is dedicated to the most amazing fic of all Marauder fics: Shoebox.
Google the shoebox project, give it a whirl, live it and love it.

Chapter Title: The Wanking Wanker


"Hmm." Remus said as he sat in his bed the following morning. Sirius was already awake, searching for a pair of rogue socks.

"What was that, Moony?" Sirius asked, victorious in finding the pair. "I knew I'd find this little bugger."

Remus laughed. "Seven weeks has got you talking to your socks. I should be charting your progress...or devolution."

"Moony, it is far too early to be using multi-syllabic words." Sirius said, before stopping. "What did I just say?"

"You've just jumped twenty IQ points." Remus grinned. "Oh I really should have been charting your progress."

"Maybe this whole, no shagging business is really good for me. I haven't been this clear-headed in ages." Sirius mused as he sat on his bed.

"You also didn't get yourself absolutely pissed last night." Remus laughed. "And you getting pissed usually leads to some poor trollop getting shagged."

"I have better taste than poor trollops." Sirius said, defensively.

"Speaking of better than a poor trollop." Remus said, suddenly remembering his conversation with Gwen. "Oh...no, I can't. I promised her."

"You are so terrible at keeping secrets Moony, just be out with it and it'll be painless for all parties." Sirius laughed.

Remus was already beet red, and he hadn't started speaking yet. "Well...erm, er...when a...when a guy and a girl want to...give...give each other a special hug...and, er...can't. Maybe the girl doesn't want to...or maybe the guy is an absolute tit...but...er, sometimes you have to take care of your own business…" He sputtered. "The guy... or girl will have to touch himself...or herself...most tenderly."

Sirius was wiping the tears from his eyes, unable to speak from laughter. "Are...are...are you talking about wanking?!" James Potter's voice came from through his bed curtains.

"Er…" Remus stammered.

Sirius managed to calm himself down. "Why, Remus, why in the name of Merlin's sagging arse are you talking about wanking?"

"Because, you tit," Remus started, "the girl you have been lusting over while you touch yourself most tenderly, has figured you out."

"I wouldn't really call it touching myself most- hang on...what?" Sirius paused.

"I believe he said 'Girl you have been lusting over'." Peter chimed. He and James were grinning at each other, with James trying not to laugh over the mere thought of Remus talking about wanking.

"Gwen?" Sirius asked, looking confused. "Figured me out?"

Remus sighed. "Last night she was asking me why you'd been acting so strange, then I told her about the challenge, and then…" He groaned. "Then she asked me how you'd managed to survive seven weeks without a shag, and then she sort of figured it out, and then muttered profusely about how she couldn't believe she just thought about you wanking...and it was all very embarrassing."

Sirius could not believe his ears. "She...Gwen. Gwendolyn Prewett. She thought about me? She thought about me! wait… she thought about me…Wanking?"

"I'm sure the image was brief and painful." Remus muttered. "Oh she is going to kill me."

"Well she came 'round quickly." James said, looking surprised. "How'd you do it, mate?"

"Dunno." Sirius said, looking over at James, whose bedhead was more pronounced. "Oy, Remus."

"What is it now?" Remus asked, his face buried in his pillow, not wanting to go downstairs to face the wrath of Gwen Prewett.

"Is there anything in this challenge that says I can't help James get into Lily's good books?" Sirius asked. James head shot up at the idea, and he was grinning wildly. Sirius had always managed to talk sense into Lily when it came to the sore subject that was James Potter.

Remus racked his brains. "No...no there isn't. But you still can't snog, frisk or shag anyone, Padfoot!"

-----

The first mistake was that he sat at her table in the library. The second, was that he kept tapping her foot. She looked at him to find him grinning, his books still tucked away in his bag.

"Black, do not make me hex you." She snarled through clenched teeth. She had an exam in Charms the following day, and unlike Saturday, she was in no mood to have her foot tapped.

"Oh, Gwen, you know it's really, really an honour." He grinned, his voice back to that suave that she so detested.

"What are you talking about?"

"Remus told me what you said last night. Well, he more stuttered through it, but still. I knew you'd have a wild side, Gwen. Thinking of me, oh how did Remus put it, 'touching myself most tenderly?'"

Sirius didn't know how she did it but he ended up falling backwards in his chair. "You are...ugh…" She muttered. She stormed out of the library, and was now in search of Remus Lupin.

He was doing rounds with James. "YOU. Of all of your stupid friends, I would've thought YOU would have been the one that I could talk to. You're all the same. Bunch of stupid gits, every last one of you." She shrieked, hitting him with her very heavy Charms book.

"Oy..hey!" James said pulling her off of him. "Hey, that's a prefect you're attacking, I could refer you to McGonagall and get you in detention, Prewett."

She stopped trying to fight James off. Brushing her robes off, she didn't even glance back as she stalked off towards Gryffindor Tower.

"You alright there, Moony?" James asked, trying to get his friend to look him in the eye.

Remus was shaking his head when he looked at James. "WHY, why did I have to be such a stupid wanker-"

"Wasn't it Sirius who's the wanker?" James said, laughing slightly.

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're not helping, Prongs. Shouldn't...shouldn't you be focusing on trying to get Lily Evans to date you? Fall in love with you? Marry you et cetera et cetera?"

"Well, the next Hogsmeade weekend is in two weeks." James grinned. "The day after we crush Slytherin at Quidditch."

"Oh so you're hoping that you'll get her by being the big Quidditch hero? Sorry to break it to you, James, but, er...she hasn't bought that for the last five years, what's to say this year's different?" Remus asked as they set off on another flight of stairs.

"That's the rub, mate. If I am this weekend's big Quidditch hero, I won't make a fuss about it. I'll just...oh, what would you say...I'll just be modest about it." James grinned, as he peered into an empty classroom.

"You've tried modesty. It doesn't suit you, Prongs. It's like dress robes sized too tight, or something. Or a ridiculous shade of puce." Remus laughed.

"Ye of little faith." James waved his hand, dismissing the comment. "Just you wait." He grinned.

That evening in the dormitory, Sirius was in an oddly upbeat mood. Perhaps he hadn't heard of Gwen's blitz on Remus, or that he thought he had charmed the pants off Gwen. "Boys, I've already asked Peter, but what are your opinions, do you think Gwen's cashed it in?"

Remus looked affronted while James awkwardly cleared his throat. "Er...cashed what in, Padfoot?" Remus asked, though he knew the answer to this question as he thought back to fourth year when Sirius came barreling into the dormitory yelling 'I've cashed it in! I've cashed it in! Sirius Black's no longer a virgin!'

"Oh you know, Moony, don't be stupid." Sirius grinned.

"Padfoot, I hate to break it to you, but you didn't even know who Gwen was when term started." James said, giving Sirius a look of disdain.

"I did happen to know who she was." Sirius stated. "But remember, up until this term started, I hadn't discovered the wealth of gingers that were previously, forgive the pun, untapped."

"I don't think she's ever had a boyfriend." Peter commented, it was sort of in Sirius' defense.

"Doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't cashed it in, Wormtail." Sirius said, as he sat on his own bed.

"Yeah but everyone knows her brothers. I hear Davey Peakes from Ravenclaw asked her out her fourth year, our fifth, on a Hogsmeade weekend, and Gideon and Fabian apparated all the way from an Auror mission, and spent the entire time with them. Gwen didn't think anything of it." Peter continued.

"You know, I think I remember that. There were a bunch of blokes a year younger than us who were saying they'd never ask her out because they'd have to deal with Gideon and Fabian." James grinned. "I thought it was a bit of a laugh, but then again, it's me."

"Lucky for me, Gideon and Fabian like me." Sirius said haughtily.

"Until you start touching their baby sister, most tenderly." James retorted, chuckling as Remus glared at him.

----

This week's rounds took place the day before the Slytherin and Gryffindor match, perfect timing for James and Lily, as Head Boy and Girl to make sure that students weren't hexing each other in the hallways, courtyards, library, as they were so wont to do, especially with the rivalry that ran deep between Slytherins and Gryffindors.

After sending a pair of tow-headed first years, from both houses, to their respective Heads, the two continued on their rounds. "You're quiet today, James." Lily said after going an entire floor without speaking.

"You usually like it better when I keep my mouth shut." James said, slightly grinning. "I might say something stupid, and well, I've been on the receiving end of one too many of your hexes."

"Smartened up, haven't you?" She smiled back.

She smiled back. James' stomach did a somersault. "Well, that, and I'm just going over the game strategy tomorrow."

"Ah, of course, Quidditch." She sighed. "And that is?"

"To win." James replied simply. "We've got a good strong side this year, and just as long as our Beaters keep Slytherin away from our Chasers, we're in good fighting form. The Keeper this year is excellent to...oh this is probably boring."

"And I suppose you're hoping to be the big Gryffindor hero tomorrow?" Lily asked.

"We'll see." James replied simply.

Lily was a bit surprised, if she asked this question two years ago, the James Potter then would have boasted about multiple Quaffles into the goalposts, and of fantastic dives and catches.

She let James talk about Quidditch for the rest of their rounds, as this version of James was much better than when he would try, and fail, to woo her. Once they were in the Gryffindor Common Room, James felt a hand on his shoulder.

He looked over and saw that it was Lily. Her green eyes were twinkling in the firelight. "Well, James, I do hope that you're Gryffindor's hero tomorrow. Good luck."

James felt his face growing very hot and he struggled to find the right words.

"This is where you say 'Thanks, Lily.'" She said, with a smirk, withdrawing her hand.

He grinned, feeling very foolish, and very red. "Thanks, Lily."