Of Evil Spawn Children and Lust Worthy Vampires

19th of July 1996

7:55am

So, this has been the most awesome week ever. First of all it started with the president of the United States of America, flying a helicopter into the Hell Hall and killing Mr. Overall. Then for revenge and help my dead sidekick from beyond the grave Georgie Washington makes an appearance and helps me seek revenge of Michael James Way. Then, someone blew up the science block and I didn't have to hand in the assignment that I didn't do, and the math tests where printed wrong giving the students all the answers and everyone passed!

You know Edgar, you missed the most awesome week ever, I'd have to say that if I wasn't lying through my pen that you missed so much, it would take 5 days to write it all out. Nothing really important happened. Though there is another thing-that-shall-not-be-written that happened on Tuesday Night. And I have decided for my own sanity that I will not remind myself of what happened. I mean, it was so disgusting. I think it was worse than catching my mother being wham bamed by the WORST SUCK UP TEACHER in the school. Like at least I could shriek in a non girly way totally girl one that sounds like a pierce then a scream and run to your room. This was like intimate and shit.

Can someone remind me how someone can be intimate with a muffin? Is it even possible I mean. Like conversation would be really great because it wouldn't answer back and everything you would say would be like right because the muffin can't defend itself but how would you get intimate with a muffin? Like, is it even scientifically possible?

I mean like eons ago I didn't think bestiality was around. But whoa was I wrong. Eww, it's disgusting I mean how could people get turned on by that. It's even more disgusting then my mom making out with a giant muffin.

8:23am

Like he is not even an attractive muffin. He is all like tall and ugly and muscle like. I mean, my mom is hot for a mom because clearly she immaculately conceived me, so she has to have at least some good looks because clearly my dad has known. No one can be this hot (points to self) and have an ugly mother. It's just not possible.

8:31am

Because my dad looks like a monkey. And not even an attractive monkey. You know like one that has just gotten over a disease and looks half dead. The only reason it is still alive because a scientist came and zapped it with everlasting life syrup and the monkey will forever walk the earth half alive and half attractive. If you see something like that, then you have met my father. Say Hi, he is so polite he will probably give you $50 if you don't ask him if his hair is fake.

It's not but it doesn't look like that.

Iero's don't get a receding hair line. It's not in our gene.

Except for Uncle Morris, but he was also a transvestite who took female hormone tablets without consulting a doctor. He buys me dresses for Christmas.

Ha. I'm gay but no one is going to get Frank Iero into a dress.

9:01am

Maybe Gerard.

If he was naked.

And or offering skittles

I would even through in the heels

9:10am

Well, whatever. Anyway it's been pretty boring. I still annoy Judicious Jamia as often as I can because clearly it is fun watching her squirm like a science project. Modest Mikey won't be back for another week or so, so I have no plans on the weekend which means that I have like no life at all. Which like totally sucks? Because then there would be nothing to write in you. I guess I could write a story. I'm pretty good at doing that.

It was a dark and dreary night. The moon was a crystal white and bats where hanging from caves that for some reason unbeknown to the protagonist were in the middle of the street. Frank Iero the attractive 14-year-old walked down the street. His white t-shirt was hanging out at the front the back tucked hastily in. His hair was hidden by an awesome hat his Uncle sent him 2 months ago from New York. He looked totally fine like always.

All of sudden out of know where, a figure moved out of a dark alley way. The figure was a few inches taller than the protagonist. He was wearing a cloak made of black material. His long shiny hair was hiding his handsome face and two vampire like teeth scratched at the full red lips. The vampires name was Gerard Way (Oh come on you had to have seen that coming. If you didn't Edgar, you are oblivious.)

Frank stood there in shock. What should he do? Run away and scream for his mother, or stay there and get turned into a vampire? It was a hard decision to make, one because being a vampire is something to lust over, or saving your life from having to "suck their blood". Gerard took a step forward, Frank took a step back, Gerard took another step forward and Frank took another step back. (I could go on but I think it would get slightly boring, step forward, step back, step forward, step back)

"Frankie, it's so good to see you" Gerard whispered. His red lips glistening from the moons light. Frank licked his lips, nervously. Gerard stepped forward and Frank stepped back until he hit the wall. It was all very erotic and shit. Gerard held Frankie's hands above Frank's head. Frank's t-shirt lifted exposing a few inches of skin to the cold wind.

Leaning in close, Gerard smiled his teeth cutting at his already red lips. The blood dripped down his lip and disappeared underneath his cloak. "Are you happy to see me, Frankie?" he whispered against Frank's ear. Frank shivered, and nodded his head, as Gerard grazed his teeth against the side of Frankie's neck; Frank moaned and thrust his hips subconsciously into Gerard's cold body.

"Yesshhh" Frankie answered; Gerard nodded his head, his black hair brushing against Frank's cheek. Lifting his head, Gerard lowered his mouth onto Franks and licked, nibbled and totally sexed Frank up.

The End.

Epilogue:

Frankie totally turned into a vampire and he and Gerard lived happily ever after in the night. Mwahhahahahahaha.

See, I could be a totally awesome erotic writer. Like, I turned myself on writing that. Oh that reminds me...

11:45am

Yes, so it was a boring 4 days. Sleazy Mc-crack Whore tried to get me to play scrabble with her, I of course said yes because well, she was trying and all, but I sat there and spelt out rude words or made up words with the letters I had and made them seeming more wrong than they really were. She finally got fed up and walked out of the room, well more like hobbled out of the room. You know it must suck being pregnant. Especially at a young age. Lucky enough Dead Beat Boyfriend loves her. Or whatever they at least "like" each other I mean they were best friends since like forever. Like literally. But whatever nevermind.

12:01pm

Oh yeah, something good did happen from these four days, I was talking with Alicia and she totally got me a job at her dads comic book store. How wicked is that? So I guess it was an OK week, and well this is me seeking revenge on Modest Mikey. Now I work with her nice girlfriend 5 days of the week. (Which is totally OK gets me out of the house.)

You know, and I get a discount on like comics and shit. Which is also wicked. I mean, there are already cheap but now I get them for like cheaper and all that shit. So yay *queue marching band*

Email One

To:

From: frank_

Date: 19th of July 1996

Time: 3:04pm

Subject: Suck that, bitch.

Dear Obnoxious Brat,

I hate you. I just want to let you know that I am totally not missing you. I also want to tell you that I have a job. And since you don't have a job hence it makes me more superior than you even if I am younger and shorter. Though I am more attractive, it's something that sadly I have to live with everyday in my life. Guys only like me for my good looks.

Another thing that might make your life suck even more than it already does is the fact that I work with your quasi girlfriend who doesn't know that you are dating. You know it is so not cool when you start acting like the hulk when she talks to another guy. I mean it's not attractive because you are skinny and your hair goes all wild and your glasses fall off of your nose and you always try and replace it, but then you just have to do it all over again.

That is really annoying.

So "ha" I have seeked my revenge.

Love,

Frankie xx.

P.S. How's Gerard?

Email Two

To: frank_

From:

Date: 19th of July 1996

Time: 3:20pm

Subject: Great, it's you.

Frank,

You know that inside you love me. Deep down, where the rats hide that you love me. I will forever wait for you, I will not give up *faints*.

You really are a bastard you know that? Sure don't ask if I am fine. I'm sure you wouldn't care that I was nearly mauled by wedding assistants and Jamaican dudes. I know to you that'd be heaven, but they smelt of sweat and all I really wanted to do was lie down and never wake up.

Gerard? I wouldn't know, probably getting over the hangover. Lucky asshole got to go to the bachelor's party. I had to accompany mom to the bachelorette party I have never been so scared in my whole life. Especially when the male strippers came in. I mean not even you can get that clichéd but this did. Then when I got the image of naked guys in yellow g-strings, Gerard comes back and whines to mom that why couldn't he come he was the gay one. Mom giggled (giggled) and well began to shout American Pie.

I was thoroughly pissed.

I still have nightmares.

Love,

Modest Mikey xx.

P.S. Stop thinking of my brother in a yellow g-string. You sick, sick perv.

Email Three

To:

From: frank_

Date: 19th of July 1996

Time: 6:11pm

Subject: Mikey, If A Rose Smelt As Good As You, It Would Be Dead!

M,

I am allowed to recite Shakespeare because well, whatever. The main point is that thank you for putting that lovely image of your brother in my head. I would be happy to thank you. Would you like me to send you some chocolate or something? Yes well, I just want to know, not that it would matter or anything but um... is there any chance that your last name is really Yacknovich and that your dad was in the mafia and now you are under witness protection with a last name Way.

Love, F.

P.S. Is your "brother" a secret agent with ninja powers.

Email Four

To: frank_

From:

Date: 19th of July 1996

Time: 7pm

Subject: Huh?

F,

I think you should go and have a nice sleep.

Love, M.

P.S. Do I look Jewish to you.

7:09pm

Ha, I knew it. They are in the mafia. And there are ninjas in the world because how else would Mikey know to say "Do I Look Jewish To You".

You know it's awfully hard always being right.

20th of July 1996

5:30am

So, I am going to dad's today. He called last night and said that we were all getting together well me at least to plan what was happening at the wedding. Who to send invitations to etc. Now I am starting feel the pain that Mikey is going through. And he isn't even like intermediate family or whatever so if it sucks for him it is going to suck for me 100x worse. Also dad is trying to get me more involved with his family. I wonder how that is going to work.

Like seriously.

Anyway, so mom decided she should go and get them a congratulations pre-wedding and engagement present. So she bought this photo frame and got their names engraved on it in a love heart. And I am like supposed to hand it to them. Like how gay is that!

So I have decided to hide it somewhere one of them will find after I have left so I won't have to see Janette gush thank you's at me. Because she would want to hug me and all.

6am

You know what I have just noticed. Everyone in dads *new* family have the same letter at the beginning of their names.

Jonathon

Janette

Jamia.

And I am Frank.

So I have decided in the last 30 minutes that I am going to change my name to Joseph or insist that whenever we are together as a family that they call us Frankie and The J Boys. Because seriously how embarrassing would it be to introduce them to Gerard when he finally gets to his senses and asks him out.

"This is Jonathon my dad, Janette my step-mom and Jamia my step sister (whispers "She is in love with me")"

Like it'd feel like I was inside the Brady Bunch, he would probably think that we braid each other's hair and sing around campfires.

Like no.

So either I rename myself Joseph or Jonah or something. Or they will have to put up with that stupid boy band name. I don't considerably like it, but it's better than being the only F in the family.

And since when did I think of them as the "f" word.

6:42pm

So I'm staying at dad's house tonight which is a TOTAL DISASTER. God could the day drag on any longer than it did. I now completely agree with Mikey, I would rather die than ever plan a wedding. The day went wrong from the minute my mom dropped me off. Usually she would drop me at the door watch me walk in and then drive away. This time however Sleazy Mc-crack Whore and Dead Beat Boyfriend wanted to come to congratulate dad on the engagement.

So mom and the two stooges got out of the car, we walked while Sleazy Mc-crack Whore hobbled. We got to the front door and Janette opened it, dad standing behind her. He smiled nicely at us, and then LET THEM IN, I mean the main reason I like coming to dad's house is to get away from them. So they all went in and then dad offered them coffee and Sleazy Mc-crack Whore water.

Jamia, came in and sat next to me and tried to get me into conversation but I was waiting for the pin to drop and everyone bring out water guns to fight a war. So mom presented them with the photo frame and I nearly like hurled, Janette accepted it and kissed me on the cheek ewwwww and placed it on the mantle place. They finally left and then dad insisted that me and Jamia had to help them write out a wedding list. So I was sitting there giving out names of people that didn't exist.

"Bart McBart"

"Who's Bart McBart?"

"You know dad the guy that works at that place. I can't believe you forgot him"

After a while, dad finally got pissed and said is their seriously anyone that I wanted invited so I mentioned the "Way" family, because I wanted to see what Gerard looked like in a suit, and I wanted to get closer inspection on Vince, he just could be in the Mafia. So it was great when dad accepted them but then the day wouldn't end. Days that I needed to be at dad's house, what I had to wear to what. What I couldn't wear to the wedding.

"No eyeliner, no eye make-up, no converse, no gothicness or whatever you call it. No mentioning of being Gay and upsetting the great great Aunts we want no heart attacks..."

So I dread going even more. Then the weirdest thing happened.

Janette suggested that – wait for it- I can't even believe it myself – to move in with them. Like in the house. With her, dad and Jamia. The three J's.

So like I didn't know what to say.

So I stood there looking like a fish

A very attractive gay fish.

(Can fish be gay?)

7:30pm

So like what do you think I should do Edgar? I mean I am like totally stuck. Like I have just un-packed all of my boxes and now I will have to re-pack. I guess it would be good to get away from Sleazy Mc-crack Whore's spawn that will be out to get me when they are finally born. But I also don't like change. So it's really up to me.

Though I guess it would be OK living with Judicious Jamia, I could like bribe her into doing my homework.

But she'll probably try and rape me in the night.

7:41pm

*shivers*

Email Five

To:

From: frank_

Date: 20th of July 1996

Time: 7:44pm

Subject: Help!

Mikey,

Like dilemma. Dad asked me to move in with him. What do I do? I guess I would be closer to you and Gerard but seriously man I am so confused. Do I say no and disappoint Dad, and do I say yes and disappoint mom. Like Mom will have Sleazy Mc-crack Whore and Dead Beat Boyfriend and their evil spawn children. So what do I do?

Help Me!

Love,

F xx.

Email Six

To: frank_

From:

Date: 20th of July 1996

Time: 8:11pm

Subject: Dramatic Much.

F,

Look your over-reacting. Move in with your dad. You have lived with your mom for the past year, now live with your dad it is only fair. Plus you will be living near me. And if you live with your dad you can bribe Jamia to do your homework for you so that is like totally a plus.

Love,

M.

Email Seven

To:

From: frank_

Date: 20th of July 1996

Time: 8:14pm

Subject: I love you.

Mikey, if you weren't straight and I was totally gay in love with your brother I would totally marry your right now. You are like me, in a less attractive body. We must be soul mates or something!

Love, F.

Email Eight

To: frank_

From:

Date: 20th of July 1996

Time: 8:30pm

Subject: Abuse.

To risk sounding like you and repeating myself. This is a really abusive relationship mentally. I mean, my mom thinks I am pretty and so does the girls at school. So really, maybe you are the ugly one. Oh Gee says hi. He also says that he thinks that it's cute that you obsess over him.

Mikey.

Email Nine

To:

From: frank_

Date: 20th of July 1996

Time: 8:39pm

Subject: YOU TOLD HIM!

You told him. You traitor.

Frankie.

p.s. No it's you that's ugly. Hehehe.

Email Ten

To: frank_

From:

Date: 20th of July 1996

Time: 8:45pm

Subject: Of course.

Of course I didn't I mean I don't want you and my brother groping or even having dreams about each other! That doesn't happen in Modest Mikey land. M'kay. Though he did say Hey. So I said that you said Hey back. Look I got to go, Auntie thinks she can beat Gerard at karaoke. She is sadly mistaken.

I will dedicate a song to you my love.

Mikey.

Email Eleven

To:

From: frank_

Date: 20th of July 1996

Time: 8:50pm

Subject: Piss Off

Piss Off.

Frankie xx.

21st of July 1996

11pm

Oh my god. Today has been bloody hectic. I have never spent so much time in a hospital waiting room since, well since ages ago. Anyway, when I finally decided to tell mom that I am going to move in with dad, Sleazy Mc-crack Whore decides to go into labour 2 weeks before the baby is due. The doctor said it would be fine, but now it has prolonged me mentioning it to mom.

Everyone is here. And I mean like everyone. Dad, Janette and Jamia. Mom, Mr. Overall for some reason and Dead Beat Boyfriend (though he was in the room with SMCW I hope she squeezes his hand off) and well me. So it was all like another bloody family reunion. So finally the doctors said that first one has been born and it is a boy. Mom squealed and nearly deafened me in the process, dad grinned at Janette and I growled. The spawn was out and it was going to kill me with its baby's eyes.

I am kind of upset the baby wouldn't be named Wayne Kur, I mean that'd be funny. Hehehehe. Here is my nephew "Wayne Kur". Hahahaha. Though not the point. This is really boring.

11:11pm

So we can finally see SMCW and her evil spawn babies. Yay! I will just go and order my casket before the family forget when they are congratulating SMCW on her babies.

11:30pm

So they decided to name the babies Adalia Melanie and Jason Andrew. So yay, the spawns have names. I am now an Uncle and I am 14. Ewww. They may never call me Uncle. I shall be their sweet, gay bachelor uncle who has a sexy boyfriend called Gerard.

11:36pm

You know Edgar, it's just me and you. It's really sad because, everyone has their little families. Dad has Janette and Jamia, mom has Mr. Overall and Sleazy Mc-crack Whore has Dead Beat Boyfriend, Adalia and Jason.

I can't help but think where do I fit in?

Hahaha I am so lame

.xx Frankie.