DRAG ME UNDER
TRIS
The last thing she remembered was him. The smell of him; the way his voice soothed her into a lulling sleep; the touch he left that lingered on her skin. She was puzzled why she didn't immediately recoil back and shrink away from his touch. Instead, she felt somewhat peaceful around him; she felt like she could be herself—not the hollowed out person they had made her. She felt like the person she had used to be.
And she didn't feel so lonely anymore.
She woke up to the sound of snores. First she lay awake, blinking, thinking it was her. She turned to see that it wasn't her. Tobias was sleeping next to her. Perhaps this—he—was the reason why she hadn't had any nightmares that night. She looked over her shoulder. His face was so calm, so handsome while he slept. She shook off the last thought—she couldn't think of anyone like that. They had made damn sure of that.
She heard someone cough, and her head whipped back to Tobias, who was still sleeping calmly beside her. She frowned, wondering where that sound came from, when she heard it again. Immediately, she flung herself into an upright position, shuffling backwards into the bed headboard.
"Who are you?" She asked in a shaky voice.
The woman standing at the door looked over her curiously before answering. "I'm Christina. Tobias' friend." She introduced herself, taking a step forward.
Tris tried to move backwards but found herself completely backed up. She tried to glare at the woman, warning her with her eyes to move no further.
She seemed to get the message, halting her approach. "I mean no harm." She held her palms up defensively against her chest, softening her eyes. "I ran into Tobias in the street yesterday and he um… He told me about you…" Her eyes were saddened with tears. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No one should've gone through that—no one should've. I'm sorry that the world hasn't been kind on you. But I'm glad in a way…" She paused, and Tris eyed her skeptically. "But I'm glad that you found Tobias. He's—he's a great guy. He's honest, trusting, too gentle to be honest."
Tris responded with a slight nod. "I know."
She continued, "I know this because he was once like you. He was lost too, but he was strong enough to let someone in—strong enough to fight the urge to urge to give up. He had the strength of keep on living. I guess somewhere along the way, he just realized that life isn't great when you're dead. You're just stashed away somewhere; cold and unmoving. You don't get any solace in being dead, Tris." She sighed, casting her eyes downwards. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's nothing good about death."
"Yes there is... It'll make the pain go away. It'll make everything go away." Tris mumbled under her breath.
Her words were so soft that they floated away before they reached Christina's ears. "Maybe you're one of the lucky ones where you get to lead the perfect life; you're rich, happy, and the chances are if you have the two of that, nothing bad has ever happened to you. Sometimes you're not one of the lucky ones, and it seems that life doesn't want to give you a break. And when that happens, you just have to keep fighting every day. You have to keep going until the time comes when you know you can't go any further."
"What if that time is now?" Her words seemed to hang in the air.
Christina gave her a small smile and answered honestly. "That's up to you. You can decide to keep on living or you can give up. That's entirely up to you… But if I were you, I would keep trying… You've been given a second chance—Tobias gave you a second chance." She corrected. "And if I'm going to keep being truthful, I think he's good for you, just as I think you're good for him." She looked Tris in the eye. "I think you owe it to him, but more to yourself, to give yourself a second chance again."
Tris closed her eyes and exhaled loudly, letting her mind wander elsewhere.
She laid awake thinking over the woman's words. Deep down in her stomach, she felt everything Christina had spoke to be true. But there was a part of her that refused to accept that she could change... That she could really live again. It was the part of her heart that the darkness touched and dwelled in.
Christina had left not long after their brief conversation, after declaring Tris to be healthy once again. Tobias on the other hand, was worn out, and had slept for the past ten hours. As for her, well Tris didn't get anymore sleep that night. Her eyes might've been closed but her mind had never been so unsettled. A thousand thoughts spun colliding, confusing her. She didn't even know what the time was, or how many days had passed. She had been that far out. She tossed and turned the whole night, not able to get an ounce of peace.
"Are you tired?" His raspy voice snapped through her thoughts and she peered over her shoulder at him. She was so preoccupied with her thoughts that she hadn't realised that he had woken. Her thoughts were too captured with Christina's words that she hadn't really thought of anyone else… And truthfully, she had forgotten about the man that had been snoring next to her. He was lying on his side now, waiting for an answer.
She was the first to break the eye contact, shaking her head before turning away. She didn't say anything else, but none needed to be said.
He chuckled, tossing his head back as he ruffled the messy strands. He studied her, taking in her features, "You look a lot better Tris." She gave a tentative smile. "It's good." He added, afraid of how she might take it, "You look healthy. Normal."
The corner of her lip curled up more. It was barely noticeable, but Tobias had caught it before it faded. "Are you hungry?" She shook her head again. "You should eat something so you get your strength back." He encouraged, glancing towards the door.
This time, she tried to open her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Furious, she snapped them closed, and her eyes turned distant. She puffed an irritated breath, angry at why she couldn't speak. She could feel her mouth dry and begging for some water. The insides of her throat rubbed together, scraping it raw, every time she swallowed. She was seriously dehydrated, and she turned to see the empty glass on the bedside. She sighed heavily.
"Tris?" She heard her name being called again. "If you're tired, you can go back to sleep but if you're hungry, we can go grab a bite to eat. It's best if you do, it's been so long since you've had a proper meal." She chewed on her bottom lip, unsure of her decision. "It's up to you, but I'll be out here if you need me. Alright?" He was already out of bed, and slinging clothes onto his shoulder.
She couldn't manage a word and instead opted for a small nod.
He turned and left promptly. She soon found herself dressing and pacing after him in his footsteps, like a shadow. He gave her a grin when he saw that she had followed him out. Her cheeks blushed and she gave him a sheepish smile, still hot behind his heels as they exited the apartment.
It was going to be her first time outside in a while. For a long time, she could only watch the sunrise and fall, the chirping of the birds as they flew by, and the way the trees swayed in the wind. She didn't get to experience all of that, instead she sat behind the glass of the apartment window wondering what it would be like to be outside—to be free like a bird.
It wasn't at all like what she had expected it to be. The sunshine was deceptive, although it gave her a little warmth, the wind nipped at her skin, turning her insides cold and blue. She shivered, bringing the parka tighter around her small body, trying to preserve any heat that was left. Christina had brought over one of her old coats for her, and she was gracious she did. Tris had forgotten how cold Chicago winters could be.
She trailed behind Tobias, careful not to get too close and even more watchful not to stray too far. It was hard when there were so many things to see, so many things to do. She paused briefly, watching the smiling faces of kids as they skated around the ice rink. She watched in amazement, but actually clueless to what they were doing.
"Are they dancing on ice?" She asked Tobias curiously, when h had stopped in his own tracks and back stepped to where she now stood on her tippy toes, eager to get a closer look. Her lip formed a straight line, as if deep in thought, "Or are they twirling? Skipping?" She asked again.
He simply chuckled, "No. They're skating."
She nodded in wonder, but let him lead her away with the promise that they would be back soon. She couldn't wait to be able to 'skate', though she was concerned that she wouldn't be able to perform it properly. Her eyebrows knitted together furiously, but her worries were outweighed by the pure excitement she had for simply stepping upon the ice.
They arrived at the café not long after. It was small and quaint; quiet and just the way she liked it. The waitress led them over to a table in the back after Tobias requested a table that wasn't so close to the door. Tris nodded in thanks and he shot her a genuine smile. Her stomach felt funny, it was like she butterflies in her tummy. She shoved the thought away and glanced down at the food that was placed in front of her.
She stared at it, tilting her head to get a good look at it. "What is it?"
She heard the same familiar laugh, "Pancakes with strawberries." He answered, pushing the plate closer to her. Her eyes flickered between him and the food, as if contemplating on whether they were safe to eat. Once seeing Tobias begin to eat at his food, she dug into her food eagerly. It tasted almost heavenly and she sunk into her seat as she took in the sweet taste. She had to restrain herself from shoveling it into her mouth right then and there.
They ate in silence afterwards, though at that time the quiet room spoke volumes, more than words could. It was somewhat comforting. It wasn't awkward; it was sort of pleasant. The smell of delicious food surrounded them, so did the good vibes that came out. It felt like a home.
Home.
Home was the one place she wanted to be so desperately. But it had been so long, more than ten years. Tris wondered where they were right now. Her parents? Her brother? Her parents were probably about to start work, kissing each other goodbye as they parted ways for the day. Caleb? He was probably finishing his last year of high school—about to go off to college or on an adventure. His options were endless. Unlike hers… She was stuck.
She yearned for her parents; for the opportunities her brother would've had that she would never get. He would've had the perfect life, friends, a loving family, not a life full of shame and self-loathing. She thought she could do it. Start over. But it was impossible; it wasn't possible for someone like her to start over. She would never be able to get away. Her past would cling to her. Even if she would try to start fresh, the memories would come back, a reminder that she was tainted. She would never be clean. She would be forever stained with their touches.
She let a tear slip. "I miss them." She muttered quietly to herself.
He had heard her. "Who do you miss?" He asked, placing his cutlery down on his plate. He had stopped chewing and was now watching her.
"My family… My brother." Her lip trembled as she spoke, "I miss my old life."
"I'm sorry I can't give you that…" His voice was just as quiet as hers. "I don't know who they are. I don't know where to find them—I don't know where to start." He admitted with a heavy heart. "I wish I knew where they are. I really wish I could give that to you… But I can't…"
"I know… I just wish I didn't have to leave them… I wish they didn't take me. Maybe if I had listened to my mother, maybe all of it never would've happened—" She began but her throat caught on her words.
He shook his head desperately, not needing her to finish the sentence. "Don't." He slammed his eyes shut. "It's not your fault, Tris."
She cast her eyes downwards, staring at the floorboards beneath her feet, hoping at any moment they would cave in. "I should've listened to her. I should've known better than to disobey. I wish none of that never would've happened. It's all my fault. " She trailed off, the tears that streamed down her face made it had to speak. She was soon choking on them, spitting out her words desperately. "You know when I—when they had me locked up, I used to wish I could die. I used to pray for that. I wish you'd have let me die the day we met. So I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel empty. I'm so tired of feeling lost." She admitted.
"Don't." He begged, "Please don't say that—"
She looked over his shoulder and all the blood drained from her face. Her skin turned ice cold. Her lip trembled and she could feel her knees about to break beneath her weight. "No." It was a whisper of disbelief. He was there, standing behind Tobias. He was watching her—taunting her. "He's not really here." She whispered, "I got away." The chair shook beneath her, and she tried to focus her breathing. "I got away." She said again, desperate to believe those words.
"He's not real." She whispered, clutching onto her head as she mentally told him to leave her alone. "He's not real." She had gotten away, but he was there—living proof that she hadn't really done so. She had deluded herself into thinking she had. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him mouth, you're mine.
That was when all senses shot out the window. She began to shake, screaming furiously as she crammed her eyes shut. Her body was trembling but every bone in her body grew still. She was frozen, shaken. She no longer had any control over her body. She had fooled herself, her mind had tricked her into thinking she could get any sense of peace. She honestly thought she could enjoy a day out, without anything weighing her down. But she knew, it was impossible. It wasn't possible to forget, he wouldn't let her forget.
"You can cry. You can beg. But you won't ever leave." His grip tightened on her wrist as he pinned them above her head. "Even if you find a way to leave, to escape, I will always find you. You'll always be mine." He whispered in her ear, before exiting. Her body began to shake violently, trying to expel any part of him that had been left behind. She cried the rest of the night.
"What's happening Tris!" Tobias yelled, shaking her furiously. Fear struck hard in his voice.
She let him fling her frail body in the air as her eyes locked onto him. He was by the back wall now, leaning against it as he watched them. Her eyes never left him, it was as if she was back there. Back there where he had full control of her, and her body. "I'll never be free." She mumbled, "I'll never be able to be rid of them. Him." She looked him straight in the eye. She could feel him smirking at her.
"Who Tris!" Tobias shook harder, his words more urgent this time.
She turned her gaze to Tobias, staring past his eyes into his soul. "Eric." She managed through chattering teeth.
When she looked back he was gone, but his presence lingered. She could feel his touch on her, the way he would always leave bruises on her skin, whispering in her ear that he owned her. "I'll never be free." She repeated a little bit louder this time, "I'll never get away. I'll never be clean." She whimpered from the pain Tobias was causing. "I just want to die. Please just let me die." She looked him in the eye. And all that she had done to get better the past month had flown out of the window and she fell back into the same abyss of despair and darkness she was all too familiar with. "I'm so tired of living in fear, pretending I'll be fine. I'm just so tired of everything."
A/N: I'm pretty sure everyone either guessed or suspected it was Eric… But nonetheless, the truth it out! Keep reading to find out what happens. And I know that Christina is usually Tris' friend in the books but I thought I might shake things up a bit. So in DMU, Christina is Tobias' friend from college but a little bit more about that later on... Hope you enjoyed it so far and again, please leave me a review. I appreciate it so so much! :)
