Author's Note: Subtle thanks to Ichigo-sama, who gave me the idea of making the Gluttony of this fic a health-freak ^_^ It was almost rejected, too xD she also gave me the idea for how annoying Number 48 will be…
Chapter 7: Laboratory 5
"…so by the time they come up with a maximum security all-girl college on Mars, Elicia's funds will have grown."
"…Are you quite done yet?"
Roy was currently on the phone with Maes, who was trying to solicit money from Roy to a fund for Elicia's non-existent college.
"So tell me, Roy. I noticed a serious lack of wives in your life. What's up?"
Roy looked sideways at Liza. She currently wore the same stoic expression as ever, only this time with a slight frown. Roy had crawled out the window to escape work earlier that day, and when she confronted him about it he called her "Lieutenant Owlbutt." She wasn't too happy about it.
"Yeeeaaaaaahh it's a work in progress," said Roy.
"I've always wanted to ask you something." Maes's voice suddenly turned serious. "Are you gay?"
"Wha-no!"
"Because if you were gay-"
"Maes-"
"That'd be okay-"
"Dammit, Maes-"
"I mean 'cause hey, I'd like you anyw-"
"I'll burn you. I mean it." He was serious too, just like when he burned Second Lieutenant Breda for using his spare ignition-cloth gloves to make s'mores. It had taken a whole gallon of Tide to get the chocolate stains out.
"Okay okay…it's Armstrong, isn't it?"
"I'm not having this conversation with you!" Roy was praying that Liza couldn't hear what Maes was saying. He cleared his throat. "Not that there's anything wrong with it….but why do you think that?"
"Oh come on, isn't it obvious?"
"…"
"The tussled hair, the way you snap your fingers, your 'impotence' around Hawkeye, 'The Flame Alchemist,' c'mon, don't you see it?"
Roy was desperate to get out of this conversation. "So what about Elicia, eh? Did she do anything disgustingly adorable today?"
"OMG THIS MORNING SHE FILLED OUT MY INCOME TAX WITH CRAYON SCRIBBLES AND UNICORN STICKERS AND SHE WAS SO PRECIOUS LOLOLOL-" and so Maes went on like this for about forty-five minutes.
Roy thought to himself, If I ever become Fuhrer, I know who to hire as the torture specialist.
Somewhere in Laboratory 5, two shadows crept in the corner, whispering to each other.
"Hey, Number 66," said one of them, "it looks like we've got some rare guests."
"Oooooh can I drill their heads in, Number 48? Can I?"
"You can take the big one," Number 48 got up. "I'll take on the midget…This should be fun."
"It's a good thing I'm so *hic* drunk right now," said Ed as he squeezed and crawled his way through the air vent. "Otherwise I wouldn't fit…wait…" he stopped to think about what he had just said, the gears in his head quite rusty. "Ah, whatever."
After fifteen minutes or so, he slid out and landed on the sandy floor of a large room. He noticed it was lit with torches, so he deduced that he was possibly not alone. Then he wondered who in this day and age uses torches anymore. He walked towards the center and saw that there something drawn in red in the middle, and prayed that he didn't stumble into another Scientology-cult-type ordeal or something. Upon closer examination, he realized it was a human transmutation circle.
"Holy s**t, was I actually right about something for once?" He was just imagining the Colonel's shocked face when he heard someone coming. Someone whose footsteps sounded a lot like Al's. Someone who wasn't Al.
Al stood outside, feeling annoyed and bored. Niisan was probably gonna forget what it was he was supposed to be doing and wander out of the front doors, to the surprise of the guards. This time I'm not gonna be around to help him! thought Al.
Just then, something hit his back. It bounced off with a clank and fell harmlessly to the ground. Al turned and looked down to see a wireless dental drill.
"…right. Who threw that at me?"
"Twas meeeee!" the creepy, gleeful scream came from a suit of armor now running towards Al to recover his drill.
"Who are you?"
"Me? Oh you can call me Number 66 for now!" his voice sounded as though he were speaking through a can. He picked up his drill. "I'll tell you my real name after I kill you!"
"…In that order?"
"What?"
"I mean, how can you kill me and then tell me who you are? That sounds kind of dumb."
"…Don't try pushing your logic on me!" And with that, Number 66 charged at him.
Back at the inn, Armstrong had pressured Second Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosh into watching Two and a Half Men.
"HOW DELIGHTFULLY FUNNY," laughed Armstrong. "CHARLIE HAS BEEN DATING TWO WOMEN AT ONCE, AND NOW ALAN HAS OPENED HIS OVERLY LARGE MOUTH AND INFORMED ONE OF THEM. I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING, MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING."
Ross very much regretted taking out the ammo in her gun earlier. Brosh was having a small seizure.
"I'm gonna go upstairs and reload my pistol, sir," said Ross.
" VERY WELL, ROSS," he said, as he laughed at the part with Charlie spilling wine on his date's expensive dress. Ross almost retched.
It was upstairs, of course, where Maria Ross discovered the Elrics' empty room.
"OH GOODIE," said Armstrong as Brosh began to sob, still foaming at the mouth from that seizure, "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND IS ON NEXT. I CANNOT WAIT-"
"Sir!" Maria Ross ran into the lobby. "The Elric brothers have sneaked out!"
"Oh, thank God," said Brosh, getting up from the couch.
"GO SEARCH FOR THEM," said Armstrong. "IN THE MEANTIME I WILL CALL THE COLONEL AND TELL HIM TO BRING THE VUVUZELA."
Ed walked around the room, observing the circle in the middle and wondering aloud if it was used to create the Internet.
"That is correct," said the hollow voice of the suit of armor walking towards him from the door across the room. "Though I suppose now you want to run off and tell someone?"
"Um, *hic* I guess?"
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that. Unless…"
"Unless?"
"Unless you answer my questions."
"Okay?"
"First question: what is really hot and has two breasts?"
"…What?"
"Answer it!"
"Um…" in his drunken state, Ed struggled to answer. "Armstrong?"
"No!" Number 48 giggled stupidly. "A roast chicken!"
"…" said Ed.
"You're pretty good for a guy moving in armor!" yelled Number 66 as Al dodged another attack from him.
"Uh, thanks?" said Al. "But your drill isn't even working-"
"Would you like to know who I am?"
"Not really."
"Once upon a time," said Number 66, "there was a man named Barry. Barry loved to drill. He drilled and he drilled and he drilled all day long…that's why he became a dentist!"
Al stared.
"And so he drilled teeth…Hundreds and hundreds of teeth…But one day, drilling teeth wasn't enough for him anymore." Barry looked down sadly. "So he killed himself."
The silence that followed was awkward. Al stared at Barry as he looked down at his shuffling feet.
"But then they made him into a guard for a lab!" said Barry suddenly. "That way he can drill people's skulls in! It's so much fun!"
"I'm sure it is."
"Say, shouldn't you be shocked that I'm a dead man walking?"
"Not really. I'm a soul in armor too."
"I see… but are you sure you're a soul?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if," he said, looking Al in his glowy soul-eyes, "you don't exist?"
Al gasped. "I believe you! Even though you're a complete stranger who tried to kill me!"
Meanwhile, Ed was having his own crisis.
"What sort of vegetable wouldn't you want on a ship?"
Ed was getting tired of these riddles. He didn't even remember what it was he came for.
"Pfffft I dunno, broccoli?"
"No!" said Number 48, giggling. "Leeks!"
"AHHHHH!" Ed sat on the floor tearing out his hair. "Will you at least let me leave?"
"Nah, I can't," he said. "I have to kill you."
And so they fought. Ed almost won the fight but it turned out it was two people in one armor suit, he got cut and lost a lot of blood and his automail broke because of incompetent Winry, then he won anyway because hey the plot just needs to progress, yadda yadda you know what happens.
"Tell me everything!" said Ed as he lay half-dead on the floor.
"Aren't you going to destroy us?" asked Number 66, in the helmet four feet away from his creepy headless torso brother.
"No!" said Ed.
"You have very strong morals for a dog of the military."
"Nah, it's not that. I just don't feel like getting up."
"Oh…" he was a bit put off. "Well anyway, the people who created us as guards are-" the next moment, he was dead. STD and Spam had arrived, and violently stabbed the two brothers in a murder the author can only describe as "double metalcide."
"What are you doing here, Fullmetal Brat?" asked Spam.
Ed stared.
"What?" asked Spam. "Why are you staring? Is my fly open or something?"
"Dude," said Ed, "you are like the *hic* hottest chick I've ever seen."
It was hard to say who was more angry; STD, because she was supposed to be the hot one, or Spam, who was tired of always having his gender questioned. Or possibly it was the author who, despite sworn rejection to anything even remotely resembling a yaoi fic, got angry at herself for not being able to resist these lame jokes.
"Dammit if you weren't a human sacrifice I'd-"
"Shhh, Spam!" said STD.
"Oh, right."
"A human what-ifice?" asked Ed.
Spam responded by punching him and knocking him out. "I'm so angry," said Spam, picking up Ed, "let's blow this place up."
"But doesn't Dad need it to-"
"It'll work out, let's just blow it up."
"Okay."
Ross and Brosh arrived, they carried Ed away from the crumbling building, blah
In the hospital, Ed was slowly waking up with a massive hangover. He saw Al hovering over him and screamed, nearly falling out of bed.
"What? What is it, Niisan?"
"Oh Al, is that you?" said Ed, holding his hand over his heart. "Sheesh that armor never ceases to freak me out."
"Good to see you're well, Niisan."
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
"AHHHH DAMMIT, MUSTANG!" Ed really did fall off his bed this time. He hadn't seen Mustang at the window with the vuvuzela.
"That's what you get for disobeying orders," said Roy.
"You ass!"
"I'm gonna leave now, because I'm not really supposed to be in this scene." He left.
"Edward Elric, sir!"
Maria Ross and Denny Brosh entered the room.
"Oh hey guys," said Ed after he got himself back into bed. "Thanks for saving us earli-OW!" Maria had slapped him.
"What the hell was that for?"
"For vomiting in my car again, sir," she said.
"But it was blood, I got stabbed-"
"EDWARD ELRIC."
"Oh crap."
A hole was blasted through the wall near the open door.
"THAT WAS UTTERLY RECKLESS OF YOU."
"Please leave."
"VERY WELL." He left.
"What will you do now, Ed?" asked Brosh.
"I have to call what's-her-face-"
"Winry, Niisan?"
"Yep."
"She's not gonna be happy."
"I'll just tell her you sat on it again."
"…Dammit, Niisan."
"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard."
To Maes's annoyance, this was Roy's new way of answering phone calls as well.
"Yo Roy. You got a sec?"
"Not really. I'm busy working."
There was a short pause of silence, then the two of them burst out laughing. Liza, who was standing nearby as usual, found herself questioning the life decisions that have lead her down this path.
"Pfffft 'working!' Good one!" said Maes. "Anyway, I just wanted to give you some good news."
"Yeah?"
"There are some rumors going around Central. Apparently this whole Zit thing has them in an uproar- but the good part is, they're thinking of promoting you to Central."
"Really? You don't say." Roy reclined to his usual relaxing position, with his chair leaned back and his feet on his desk. "Is it because of my skills as a State Alchemist? Or were they impressed by my overseeing of the search for Zit?" He stroked his hand through his hair. "Or perhaps it's because I'm so handsome, and the majority of the people working at Central are female, yes?"
"None of those, really. They're just short on staff because people keep quitting over Zit-related panic. They're getting pretty desperate."
Roy abruptly returned to his original position. "Oh, okay."
"But I also wanted to tell you that this means the road ahead will get rough now," said Maes, sounding concerned.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, since you're getting promoted at such a young age, you'll be making a lot of enemies."
"Hm, true."
"So keep your friends close."
"Uh-huh."
"And your enemies closer."
"Yes."
"And hurry up and find a husband."
Click.
"Hello?"
Author's Note:
Please review. Please? That way I know what's funny and what's plain stupid. And you can keep reading. And I can keep wasting my Friday nights typing these things. Huzzah!
*drinks herself to sleep*
