Hey all! I know, it's been forever. I started school AND a new job all in the same week. It's taken me a bit to adjust, but things have finally gotten less crazy.
*WARNING* This chapter will reveal a big part of Bella's past. First and foremost, I DO NOT wish to offend anyone with the content of this chapter. It's a very personal subject that, unfortunately, many women have had to endure. Please, do not leave me hate reviews and what not. This is my story and I'm writing it the way I want to. I hope everyone can appreciate that.
Beta'd by Nuttyginger
Preread by BubblyGreenBubbles
IMPORTANT A/N AT THE END!
Enjoy :)
Bella POV
"Bella?"
I looked up from the hand-held mirror I was using to finish up my make-up for the day and saw Fifi standing there kind of awkward.
"Hey What's up?"
She walked towards me and plopped down on the floor at my feet.
"Lauren said you would need your boots for going to the stables," She said while gesturing to the hideous boots next to her. I refrained from rolling my eyes. Today, two therapy groups had equine therapy and mine happened to be one of them. I thought back to the conversation I had with Rose this morning at breakfast.
"Bella, did you know Angela's caseload has equine therapy today?"
I frowned, "What the hell is equine therapy?"
"Pretty much your worst nightmare. It's therapy with horses, and at the end you have to do group therapy with those in your group," I groaned and looked at Alice, who only nodded in confirmation.
I figured working with horses couldn't be that bad. I'd actually been riding horses most of my life. I quit riding shortly after my accident. I just couldn't focus or connect with my horse, Twilight, anymore. I still had her, but she was being ridden by a younger girl that was more than willing to compete with her. It made me sad to think how I had abandoned Twilight, but it was for the best. We would've just both wound up injured if I continued to ride.
"So, Bella, do you like horses?" Fifi looked at me curiously.
"Uh, yeah, I guess I do. I own a horse actually."
Her eyes widened at my admission. "Really? I'd never been around a horse before coming here. They intimidate me a little."
She began to pick at the carpet. I stood up and offered her my hand to stand up as well. I put the hideous brown boots on, and we walked down to the gym where we would be taken out to the New Beginnings Ranch. Alice told me that the ranch was actually a more intense residential treatment program that was affiliated with the Academy. We wouldn't see those kids, but we went out there to use their horses.
When we got down to the gym there were a few other girls standing around, including Bree.
"New Girl. I forgot you were in Angela's group. Actually, I forgot that you even existed." Bree sneered.
"I do have a name you know," I mumbled, before rolling my eyes as I turned around to look at Fifi. She gave me a sympathetic smile, which only annoyed me more, though I would never show it. She was only being nice.
It sucked that Bree's group was doing therapy as well, but I just tried to ignore her and think about happy things, like the fact that Edward would be there. I was also happy that Bree and Edward still had a standing order, which meant they weren't allowed to talk to each other nor be near one another. If I just stuck by Edward, I would be fine.
The female staff that would be taking us to the ranch finally showed. There were six of us in total – Fifi and I from Angela's caseload – and three from the other one. When we finally made it outside where the vans were located, I saw Edward standing there talking to the male staff. When he looked up at me, he smiled. I felt a blush spread across my face as I bit my lip and looked away.
It seemed everyone was standing around, waiting. I started to ask Fifi about her equine therapy experience, but someone interrupted us.
"Hey, Bella." Edward was standing in front of me with his hands in his pockets.
"Hey," I said, smiling.
"I talked the staff into letting us all ride in one van since there isn't many of us. Will you sit with me?"
I almost laughed at how juvenile it sounded, but then remembered that I was at a school where touching a boy was strictly forbidden. I looked at Fifi to make sure she was cool and she just shrugged.
"As long as Fifi can sit with us, I will."
Edward smiled. "Yeah, of course."
We walked over to the van and got in. Everyone else was still standing around outside chatting, so we got the last row of seats in the van. Fifi went in first, then me, and then Edward. Edward scooted close enough to me so our legs were touching. The contact made me smile. It had been a long time since I'd been okay with contact from the opposite sex. Usually, I just endured it, but with Edward it was different. He was different. I wasn't quite sure why he was different yet, but I felt it in his touch.
The van rocked slightly as the other students climbed in. I had to keep myself from groaning out loud when Bree and the other girls from her group sat in the row in front of us. I ignored the glare she gave me when she saw how close Edward and I were sitting together. Some of the boys in the front were arguing over which radio station should be playing, but other than that the ride was quiet. I thought of something I'd wanted to ask Edward, and when I looked at him he was looking at me expectantly. I smiled and began to speak, but was rudely cut off by Bree.
"Hey, Bella, did you ever get that rash checked out?" I looked at her like she had grown three heads, but she ignored me. "You know, the rash that you said was really bothering you, down there," she whispered the last part pointing at her crotch.
I groaned and leaned back in the seat, trying to pretend that Bree didn't exist. I considered mouthing off to her, but decided against it once I felt Edwards hand gently slip into mine, interlocking our fingers.
"Hey, Bree, Have they still not figured out your meds for your schizophrenia?" My head whipped to Fifi and I just saw her smirking at Bree.
"I do not have schizophrenia," She huffed and briefly glanced at Edward. I smiled and looked at him too, but he wasn't paying any attention to her, looking out of the window instead. His thumb was rubbing small, soothing circles on the palm of my hand. Our hands were getting sweaty, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. His hand was in mine and not Bree's, and that's all that mattered.
We carried on small talk the rest of the way to the ranch, and with little interference from Bree. As we pulled in, I began to get excited at the thought of getting to ride a horse again. I had missed it immensely. I thought that maybe I should get back into riding once I got out of here. I was sure whatever boarding school I attended next would have a stable near by, if not on campus.
I looked over at Edward and he was watching me with an amused expression.
"Why are you so excited?"
"I love horses. I haven't ridden in forever; this is going to be fun, I think!"
His brows furrowed, "Uh, Bella, we don't get to ride the horses. Well, you do after awhile, but you want to really hope you don't ever get to because that would mean you have been at the academy for a long time," I looked at him confused.
"What the hell are we doing if we don't ride them?"
"Nobody told you?"
"Told me what?" The irritation was evident in my voice.
"Well, we have to complete these tasks." Edward was treading lightly, and I had no idea why. I was about to ask him to just spit it out already when I felt Fifi nudge me with her elbow. I looked at her and she gestured for me to move. Confused, I looked at the front of the van and saw that everyone was getting out of the van. I felt Edward's hand squeeze my hand tightly before letting go. The cool air made me miss his touch immediately.
As we gathered around the van a man in his mid-forties instructed us that we would be going out into the pasture and haltering five horses. Easy peasy lemon squeezy, I thought. Our group began to follow him, and I looked around trying to find Edward. He snuck up behind me giving my side a tickle, making me laugh. I looked up at his smiling face and lightly punched his arm.
"Ow! Don't hit me!" Edward laughed.
"Then don't tickle me. All's fair in love and war, don't you know?" I felt the color leaving my face as I realized what I'd said. Unfortunately for me, Edward also caught it too.
"Love?" He quirked his eyebrow, and I watched as a blush began to creep up his ears and cheeks.
"Um." I had nothing.
"Bella! Edward! Let's get a move on it." Both of our heads turned towards the voice that had shouted our names, and I saw that the group was quite a bit ahead of us. I turned and walked away from Edward without another word.
I mean, what was I supposed to say? I don't love Edward. That would be… awkward. Was I enamored? Yes. I liked Edward, a lot, but it wasn't love quite yet. I take the word very seriously, having only ever said it to two people in my entire life – my mom and dad. Sure, I'd thought I loved plenty of people or things, but then I found out I hadn't actually love them. I'd just really, really, liked them. Love shouldn't hurt you nor should it leave you. Plenty of people I thought loved me or that I may have thought I loved, have done both. So, maybe I'm afraid of the word love. Or maybe I'm just afraid of love all together? Shit, I need to talk to Angela about this.
I shook my head to rid my mind of its chatter about love. At some point, our group had stopped at the steel fence around the pasture. I looked around and noticed that Edward is standing far away from me, and I frowned. He turned his head to look at me and I waved him over, because pretending our awkward moment never happened was just how I was, but then I noticed that not only was Edward is staring at me. Everyone is staring.
"What?"
"Bella, Liam asked you to come out and halter a horse," the female staff gestured for me to come out into the pasture. I looked and noticed that four other students were already standing out there, halters in hand. Great, I looked like an idiot, and apparently the instructors name is Liam.
I grabbed the halter and began to walk out into the pasture to stand beside a gray horse that hadn't already been spoken for, but as I was walking I felt my foot trip over something hard, and I knew I was going down. My hands went out and I caught myself from going face first into the mud. I quickly stood back up and brushed myself off. I looked up and saw Bree snickering.
"That was quite the tumble you took. You should really watch where you're going." She turned away from me smirking while doing that ugly hair flip bitchy girls always seem to do.
I walked over to my horse and began to halter it, not even knowing if we were supposed to start. The gray mare looked older, but showed nothing but kindness in her eyes. It was calming, and I decided I liked her already. My plan to stick by Edward quickly changed to one of sticking by the old gray mare.
"All of these people are crazy, Mrs. Gray, but I bet you probably know that by now. I'm not too crazy, I don't think," I whispered quietly to her while rubbing her nose. She just stood there calmly, and I wished for a moment that I was a horse. A wild horse, though, because nobody was jumping up on my back, that's for damn sure.
"You're good with horses." A voice said behind me and I jumped, causing Mrs. Gray to blow snot into my hand in annoyance. I quickly wiped my hand on my already dirty jeans and turned around.
"I have my own back home, but I haven't ridden her in awhile." Liam gave me a small smile.
"Well, we won't be riding today, but you should consider talking with you're therapist about coming out here for a session. I bet it would be good for you."
My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "We can do that?"
"Sure you can. Just tell them I said it was fine, and they can get in touch with me to set it up. I'm Liam by the way." He stuck his hand out for me to shake.
"Bella." I shook his hand and he told me to follow the others out of the pasture to the indoor arena. Mrs. Gray was in the very back, so I was the last to exit. By the time I got into the arena Liam was setting up two poles horizontally from each other with about six-feet in between them. I looked around and noticed that the others had let go of their horses, so I did the same, although Mrs. Gray didn't go anywhere. She nudged my hand with her nose, and I smiled as I scratched it.
"Okay, guys. Today, our task is a hard one I'm afraid." Liam spoke to all of us, and I heard a few groans. I was intrigued to say the least. If we weren't riding the horses, what the hell were we doing?
Liam walked over to where the two poles lay and stood in between them, "I want you to think of the space between these poles as a bridge. The left side of the arena is the dessert and the right side is the oasis. The bridge connecting the two."
"Your task today is to get all five horses across the bridge, at the same time, and it must be from the dessert to the oasis. Not the other way around."
I looked around as I watched a few more people groan, and I wondered what in the fuck was supposed to be so hard about this. All we had to do was walk the five horses from the dessert over the make believe bridge into the oasis. Easy.
"For those of you that this is your first equine therapy, there are rules. After I tell you to begin your task, you cannot talk to each other or the horses. You may not simulate a bribe to the horses, and you may not touch the horses. Everyone understand?"
There were mumbled responses around the arena, and Liam told us to start. My feet were glued to my spot as I stood there stunned. How the fuck were we supposed to get five horses across without talking to each other and without touching the horses?
I watched as everyone stood around for a moment staring at each other, but then everything began at once. People were waving at each other while pointing at where they think they should move. There was frustration, anger, and we were scolded for talking more than once. But in the end, we only had to start over twice. After about an hour, we finally managed to get all five horses across the bridge from the dessert to the oasis. Most of us were panting and physically drained, but still high on the euphoric feeling of accomplishment. That shit was hard, but we did it.
We gathered around Liam. I chose to sit on top of the steel fence that surrounded the arena, hoping that I was out of the way enough to not be noticed.
"Good work today guys. How does everyone feel?" There were mumbles and a few jokes cracked, but I stayed silent. I wasn't sure what to expect from this group therapy. Liam asked everyone to quiet down so we could begin.
"I chose the oasis theme for a reason. In life, we endure hardships. During those hardships, we are looking for the metaphorical bridge to take us to the oasis, or to happier times. The horses represent that it may take a few tries to get over that bridge, but in the end you will get there. The key, my friends, is not to give up."
What Liam was saying resonated deep within me. I understood it perfectly, and although I sort of felt I had given up by agreeing to come to The Academy, maybe it was really my metaphorical bridge to a better future.
I suddenly felt eyes on me, and I looked to see Liam staring straight at me. A feeling of dread crept in as my heart began beating frantically in my chest.
Please do not call me out, please.
"Bella, would you mind sharing with us a bit about why you're here and you're thoughts on our session today?"
I cleared my throat while rubbing my clammy hands together. I hated speaking in front of people, especially people I barely knew. "Um, I'm Bella, and I'm here for a few reasons, I suppose. Some I'm still figuring out and others I've just recently begun to understand," I looked to Liam for guidance.
"Can you tell us about some of those reasons?" He asked.
I almost whimpered in response. Couldn't he tell I was about to pass the fuck out?
"Sure. I had a few traumatic events happen in my life, which made me rebel. I thought it was normal, every day teenager stuff, but when I got here I realized it wasn't normal. Normal teenagers don't have to go through the things I've been through." Liam cocked his head to the side, and I continued to only look at him. I knew that if I looked at the other faces staring at me I would throw up.
"I'm intrigued by you're word usage, Bella. Do you mind sharing something that made you rebel?"
A cold sweat broke out over my body, and I panicked. I hadn't even told Angela everything that had happened to me, although I was sure she already knew. She had mentioned the hospital records after all. So, I went with what I usually told people.
"Well, my dad repeatedly cheated on my mom, who in turn had chronic depression. She tried to kill herself more than once and was in and out of rehabs and mental institutions for bulimia and said suicide attempts. My father worked long hours, and unfortunately, I was the one she took most of her anger out on. I wish I could say that these were the only traumatic events in my life, but they weren't. Even though she didn't physically cause the other ones, I do believe that if it weren't for the bullshit – I mean crap – going on at home, I would have never been in those other situations." As I said the words the hate that I harbored for Renee began to fester deep inside me and I felt the tears start to form in my eyes.
"Bella, although people play a major part in our lives and who we are, especially those close to you, they don't control who you are and how you react to them. I believe you're being evasive on these other events because you aren't ready to talk about them, but I encourage you to do so. Only you can control your present and your future. I leave out the past because it's just that – the past. Sometimes, though, we didn't deal with things in the moment, and we have to revisit the past so that we can move on with our future, and that's okay."
The tears were falling freely as I listened to what Liam had to say. I refused to look at anyone, just staring across the arena, focused on a small window near the roof. I felt the presence of people shifting around me but didn't dare to look. I just nodded, hoping that we could be done for the day.
"I don't mean for this to be embarrassing or hurtful in any way, but whatever these events were that don't include your mother, are not her fault. You said that you rebelled. You chose that, Bella, not her. You're the only one that can control your actions. In the end, your actions put you in these other traumatic events, not your mother."
I felt the anger boil inside of me. I looked from my spot across the arena to stare Liam dead in the eyes. For a moment, I thought that some of what he was saying was completely true, but my anger clouded those thoughts and, before I knew it, I was announcing to the world the one thing I'd yet to tell anyone.
"I did not choose to be raped while passed out cold at a friends house on Halloween, Liam, just as I didn't choose to be forced into an abortion at the age of fifteen. So you can take your therapeutic license and go fuck yourself, because you know absolutely nothing."
I jumped off the railing and ran towards the vans, just wanting to get back to the school. I heard my name being called as I ran, but I ignored it. I ran as fast as I could, always running it seemed. My body yearned to be as far away from anyone as possible. How would people look at me now that they had found out what I did? I was a killer. I killed a tiny baby – a person with half my DNA. It was a part of me. I felt myself trip, and I fell to the ground a few feet away from the van. I just lay there – a sobbing mess. Edward was never going to speak to me again, hell, I didn't ever want to speak to me again. I felt myself retreating back inside myself like I had so many times before when dealing with the pain from that horrid day. This was the only time I truly craved drugs. Just one tiny pill of ecstasy could bring me euphoria for hours. I could forget about everything and everyone and just be happy. I cried for the death of my unborn child that I wasn't even given a choice of having, and for the mess that I had made of my life. I even cried for my mom. Because as much as I hated Liam right now, he was totally fucking right. If I hadn't argued with my dad about allowing me go out that Halloween night, even though I was grounded, I wouldn't have drank myself into oblivion. Which resulted in being violated in the worst of ways, and by someone I thought I could trust. That was my fault. Everything was my fucking fault.
I felt a hand touch my shoulder lightly and I suddenly realized I was lying, on the concrete. I quickly went to get up, not even looking at who was near me, and pushed their hand off of me. I started towards the van when their hand grabbed my wrist, effectively stopping me. I turned around to see none other than Bree-fucking-Tanner staring back at me.
"Bella, I think we should talk."
So, what do we think? Lots to think about, no?
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I hope everyone has a great time seeing BD2 this weekend! Personally, I am SO excited :)
See ya next week!
Lola x
