You are my one and only,
You can your fingers round my thumb,
And hold me tight,
And you will be alright.
You were just a small bump unborn,
For four months,
Then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there,
But we're still unaware,
That's why.
- Ed Sheeran, Small Bump
The One With The Father-Son Bonding
Harry lay in bed, trying to ignore the overwhelming need to be with Snape. He stared at the ceiling trying to distract himself for a few minutes before the horrible sensation of ants crawling along his skin forced him to scramble out of bed and out of his room. He was breathing heavily, arms wrapped around his body to try to comfort himself. It didn't work.
What if Snape didn't want him to come into his bedroom? It was weird enough hugging the man, but to go into his room? Would Snape snap at him to go away?
The professor had told him not to fight his instincts. Did he know this would happen? Should he go with it?
Harry drew in a large breath and gathered his courage. He opened the door and peered in. He saw Snape smack bang in the middle of the bed, but it was too dark to see much of anything else.
He hesitated, then sucked up his Gryffindor courage and walked in the room, closing the door behind him. His eyes adjusted to the lack of light in the room compared to the candle-lit sitting room. He walked forward a step and stared at the bed.
Snape was staring at him. Searching his face, his emotions, trying to figure out where he stood and what he needed, Harry could tell. He knew. Being near Snape was like reading a book. And it wasn't just the emotions – it was like unlocking the Veela bond had unlocked the key to Snape himself.
Snape shuffled himself to the far edge of the bad, and pulled the covers down for Harry. He didn't say anything, just stared. Harry couldn't feel anything strange from him, just the normal buzz of utter heartbreak, pain, fear and betrayal that he was starting to get used to. The only reason Harry was able to manage it was because overlaying all those horrible emotions was an unconditional, unbreakable love for his son that Harry so desperately craved.
Harry looked at the bed. The ants had now been joined by bees – an annoying and persistent buzzing in his ears and Harry practically ran to the bed. He wriggled under the covers and buried his head in Snape's chest. His father had circled two arms around him and the itching and buzzing and oh-so-annoying urge had stopped instantly.
Harry fell asleep in the arms of his father, feeling more safe and content than he had ever felt in his crappy life.
Harry snuggled into the covers. This bed was so comfortable and soft – he could stay here forever. Harry had never been a good sleeper, but this bed could send anyone into the land of dreams.
He felt the bed move beside him and turned to look at his father. The man was looking at him again. Harry remembered his thought from last night – about how the man was an open book to him.
He was worried that Harry was going to run away from him again.
Well, he still wasn't exactly sure, but Harry felt OK at the moment. And had questions.
"Did you love him?" Snape scoffed, and turned to look at the ceiling. Harry sensed Snape wasn't very good at talking about himself. At all. In the way that he had never shared his feelings in his life and didn't know how to now.
"Being a Veela's mate isn't about love, Harry. It's about not being able to physically live without them."
"You can try and avoid the question, but I will just ask it again. Did you ever love him?"
Snape looked at him. Searched his face with those black tunnel-looking eyes that had stopped being tunnels and were now filled with love and fear.
"I never stopped."
Harry nodded. He had known that, really. At least, he'd known he knew it once he'd been told, but wasn't aware that he'd known it before.
Harry wondered what it was like for Snape, to lose Lucius and to lose his baby and to be forced to live with Dumbledore and be a teacher when he hated children, and have children rubbed in his face.
Harry was being dramatic, he knew, but he was feeling very cynical at the moment.
At least his parents loved each other. That was something a lot of his classmates didn't have.
"What was it like losing Lucius and then losing me?"
"You don't avoid the questions you want answers to, do you?"
Harry just turned onto his side and stared at his father. He watched the man lick his lips and sigh, collecting himself.
"I didn't have a very good childhood, Harry. My father was a cruel man – he hated me because I was magical, but also because he hated everyone. My mother was driven out of herself by him. By the time I went to Hogwarts, she was pretty much suicidal but she couldn't find it in herself to leave my father.
"Going to Hogwarts was just as bad. No one wanted anything to do with me. The Slytherin's merely tolerated me, and a few liked to make my school days hell. Lucius became my friend around 5th year. He was my only friend, and with him came Cissy. We were inseparable after that. We had a connection that neither of us could explain until we turned 17. It took a while to realise we were mates, but when we did we mated immediately.
"We were happy together for a year before I became pregnant." Snape took a deep breath. "Growing up as I did, without love or affection and without friends for most of my school years, I was just waiting for something bad to happen. When Lucius rejected me, I thought that he was rejecting me because I wasn't good enough for him."
Snape laughed coldly. "It hurt like hell. Worse than any pain I had ever known. He knew I was pregnant as well; we had names picked out. It was like losing half of me. When a Veela is rejected by its mate, it usually sends the Veela to suicide. However, since I was pregnant with my mate's child, it kept me going long enough to give birth.
"Losing you after that... I lost myself. I was empty inside. I had nothing to live for, no reason to stay and plenty of reasons to go. I was suicidal. I remember holding that baby in my arms and crying for hours until I couldn't cry anymore.
"But I was unable to actually end my life. As a submissive Veela, I did not have it in myself to kill a living being, even if it was me. I knew that if I killed myself, it would cause Lucius so much pain and I still loved him even though he had rejected me. I also refused to become my mother. To ever allow myself to be that weak – to be driven to suicide because of someone else; because of Lucius. I suppose there was also the fact that you weren't dead."
Snape looked at Harry then, and smiled. "I never understood why I didn't die from a broken heart. I should have, being rejected by Lucius and losing my child should have killed the Veela in me, but I lived 16 years. I was horribly weak from the birth, and have gotten weaker over the years, but I still lived. I guess my Veela knew, even though you had been forced that potion."
Harry had grabbed a hold of his father's hand at some point during his speech, and couldn't bring himself to let go.
"Why is it so painful to be rejected by your mate?"
"Because you are bound. Body, mind and soul, you are one. Two different bodies, but one soul. Being separated means tearing your soul in half. That is why if a Veela or his mate is killed, the other will also die. A person cannot live with half a soul. Not without being tethered somehow."
"By a child." Snape nodded.
"Are you telling me that if I have a mate, and they reject me, I will kill myself?"
Snape looked at Harry. Harry couldn't decipher any one emotion; there were so many flooding through him.
"That depends. With Lucius and I around, you would be fine but horribly depressed. It would also depend on whether you are a dark or light Veela. Light Veela all have mates, but Dark Veela do not. Of course, if you are a light Veela, or a dark Veela who can conceive, you will need your mate to live any semblance of a normal life, yes. But the point of a mate is to be everything you need for each other. The perfect person to each other."
"So mates are perfect matches for each other?" Snape nodded. "And mates cannot live without the other?" Snape nodded again. "And if a Veela is intimate with anyone that is not their mate, they feel pain worse than the Cruciatus?" Snape nodded one last time before Harry dropped his bomb.
"Then why are you being so stubborn? Lucius loves you and is sorry and wants you back. He has an inability to hurt you or live without you, just as you do him." Snape gave him a very intense look. "I can read you like a book, Dad."
Harry's eyes widened, as did Snape's, at his Dad comment. But even though he was still hesitant, and even though part of him was still angry, and even though part of him still resented Snape for being such a bastard, it felt right calling him by that word. Calling him his 'Dad'.
Harry supposed the Veela in him was helping, too.
"It is not easy to take back 16 years of hate, Harry. It will take time."
"Yes, I know. It will take time for all of us. I have no intention of being nice to the bastard anytime soon. He has a lot to be sorry for. But when you are drawn together like magnets, and there is not really any reason to resist, why not just give in? I think enough time has been wasted."
"When did you become so clever, Harry?" Snape asked, smirking at him.
"I don't know actually. It must be the Veela." Harry grinned at him. "I'm just saying, no regrets, yeah? Life is too short. That is something I have learnt the hard way."
Harry thought of Sirius then. He missed his godfather desperately still, but he knew he'd be ok now that he had Snape.
"Harry?" "Hm?" "Why do you call him 'Lucius'?"
Harry smiled. "Ron and Mione asked me that. What would you like me to call him? It takes more than blood to be a parent. He has a lot to prove before I will forgive him."
"I thought you said life was too short, and not to have any regrets?"
"He tried to kill me! And my friends! Just a couple months ago! You want me to forgive him for that? That is not a person I am willing to call my father!"
"Yet you are pushing me to get back together with him? What makes you think I want to forgive him?"
"I know you don't. I just want you to be happy. You've waited for too long."
Snape brushed a hand through Harry's hair. "So have you, son."
Harry looked at the man with tears in his eyes that he refused to let fall again. "I do want to forgive him. I do want to have two parents. I guess I'm angry at him. Angry at what he did, who he is, that he's Draco's father, and for what he did to you 16 years ago. That he could believe you would do that." Harry choked on his words then, looking away. Snape pulled his head against his chest and wrapped his arms around Harry again.
"I can understand Harry. We were both tricked back then. But I agree he has some questions to answer."
They laid there for a while, soaking in each other's presence like sponges. Harry couldn't believe how nice it was to be held by a parent. He knew that Snape would be there for him, no matter what issues he had. Harry knew that his Veela was responsible for a lot of the acceptance he was feeling, and was slightly grateful he wasn't a normal human.
Harry moved so he was lying staring at the ceiling like Snape.
"What's my name?"
He felt Snape look at him. "Excuse me?" He said flatly, uncomprehendingly.
"You said you had a name picked out. What was it?"
"Does it matter?"
"Having the name... having anything to do with the Potters makes me feel sick. Having their name makes me feel sick. Makes me feel like I'm betraying you, betraying myself, and letting Dumbledore win. I hate it. What was the name?"
"Lucius picked out the first name. He has a fascination with the Ancient Greeks. Lucius was gay before we became mates – I remember he had a picture of one of the Greek gods on his dorm wall." Snape laughed a little, making Harry smile. "Draco is an Ancient Greek name, as well as being the name of a constellation. You also have a Greek name."
"Right.. and it is?"
"He named you Alexander."
Alexander. Alex? It was a decent name, actually. Harry was afraid Snape was going to say something like Spartacus.
"And my other names?"
"Lucius and I were going to get married so your surname was to be Malfoy." Snape sounded sad, and Harry felt regret from the man.
"It is tradition for the child to take their fathers first name as their middle name. Draco's middle name is Lucius, so yours was to be Severus. Your name is Alexander Severus Malfoy."
Harry was surprised, and admitted he liked the name. It was a good name. He couldn't bring himself to take it though. Not yet.
Harry's mind went over everything that had happened so far. Snape seemed like a good man now, but Harry had seen his other side. Regardless, Harry couldn't understand why Snape would follow Voldemort. He wasn't an evil man – just a hurt, lonely man without any reason to live. Harry then understood why Snape had treated Harry the way he had. He had lashed out at everything bad in his life, and James Potter had made his childhood hell.
He had hated people in general, hated that he was being forced to live. Angry that all he had had been stolen from him.
Who would be nice after that? Snape had been brought up with hate and then forced into more by Dumbledore, even if he had been unaware of that at the time.
Maybe he could forgive Snape sooner than he thought. Forgive, but he wasn't quite at the acceptance part of this yet. He still couldn't understand why a good man with good morals would follow such an evil being.
"Why do you follow Voldemort?" Snape stiffened next to him. Harry suddenly got the feeling he wasn't going to like the answer he received.
"Before I started at Hogwarts, I spent a lot of time studying magic. Dark Magic. I was pretty adept at it before I even started school. It's very addictive, and it made me powerful enough to stand up to my father. The Dark Lord recruited me at a very young age. He promised me power. Family. That was all I ever really wanted. He treated me like a son, trained me in dark magic, and trained my Veela powers. When Lucius and I became mates, he supported us. He supported everything I ever chose to do. He actually told me to become a spy for Dumbledore – to become a teacher and pretend I was a spy for the light side.
"I guess the answer to your question is I do not follow him. He is the only family I have ever known. It is loyalty to my family that keeps me here."
"But, he's evil. He kills people for fun. He hates Muggles and Muggleborns because of what they are, when he's a half-blood. He's tried to kill me!" That was an understatement, but Harry felt he got his point across.
"Harry, we have all fallen prey to Dumbledore's manipulations. He does not kill people for fun. Yes, he hates Muggles for personal reasons – the same reasons I hate Muggles. I'm sure the only reason you do not is that your best friend is Muggleborn. What the Dark Lord stands for is preserving our magic and our traditions. He is right when he says that us mixing with Muggles is diluting our magic. Soon there will be too few purebloods that we will all end up related. When that happens, when we are forced to breed with close cousins or half-siblings, our magic will die out completely. If things carry on as they are, magic will be gone completely.
"And he tried to kill you because of the prophecy. He would never try to hurt you now that he knows who you are – prophecy or no. He would never hurt Lucius and me by hurting you. You can trust me on that."
Harry scoffed. Snape made sense, but all Harry could see and hear was 'kill the spare'. Anger was running through Harry like fire.
"And Cedric? What was that, a slip of the tongue? You're pathetic, you know that?" He got out of the bed and yanked open the door, slamming it behind him. He walked into his room and dressed quickly. He needed to get out of here.
He practically ran out of his room and towards the grand staircase at the end of the hall. Down the step and out the door. He didn't even realise he was actually running until he stopped, breathing heavily.
He stood in front of the waterfall, watching the water trickle over the stone and listening to the soothing tones. He was furious. Furious with Snape, with Dumbledore, with himself, with this whole situation.
Forgive Snape, yes. Forgive Lucius, maybe eventually. But forgive Voldemort? His mind could not even comprehend the sentence. It was ridiculous. Harry had been told many stories about Voldemort's first reign – about how people had lived in fear for their families. Since he had been back he had laid low to protect himself, not because he had changed.
Harry hated that Snape seemed to be so very loyal to Voldemort. What would happen if Harry asked him to choose? What if Harry refused to stay here, refused to be loyal to that snake? Would Snape turn against the only parental figure he'd known? Harry knew the answer was no. Snape wouldn't be able to after what had happened with Dumbledore.
His mind was frantic, his breathing heavy even after minutes of standing still. He was terrified, he realised. Terrified he'd be forced to believe in Voldemort because if he didn't he would lose his father.
Harry couldn't breathe, couldn't think. His throat had closed up – no air would go in or out and he couldn't swallow. He was starting to feel dizzy.
"Harry!" he heard the shout from behind him, but couldn't think beyond the fact that he was going to lose his father. Of course he was. He always lost those he loved.
"Harry, listen to me. You need to calm down – you're OK, just calm down." He looked up and realised it was Hermione, with Ron knelt down beside her. A passing thought – when had he ended up on the ground? How?
Harry couldn't talk, couldn't breath. He was going to be sick.
"Harry! Listen to me." Hermione reached out a hand to shake him, but as soon as she touched him Harry felt calm flood him. When she saw him calm down, she breathed out in relief, and grabbed him, hugging him close. He felt a hand on his shoulder, knowing Ron was supporting him.
"Harry, what happened?" Ron asked, rubbing his hand gently over Harry's shoulder and the top of his back.
Harry took a shaky intake of breath.
"He's completely loyal to Voldemort. He's going to choose Voldemort over me and then he'll be gone. Everyone is always gone."
Hermione sat back, looking as though Harry was talking gobbledegook.
"What the hell are you talking about, Harry? We've never been gone!"
Harry shook his head. "Adults. Only ever adults. The Dursley's, Sirius... He will be next. Someone is always next."
"You are talking complete crap, Harry." Hermione snapped, pushing him lightly. Harry knew she was right – he didn't make much sense.
"Dad – he told me why he was loyal to Voldemort. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't talk him into turning his back on Voldemort."
"I repeat, you are talking complete crap. Forget about the act that he is incapable of living without you now. Forget about the fact that you two are bound as father and son. You know, deep inside... you know how he feels. You can feel it through the bond you two share. You know, you don't need this qualifying. You are fighting against this because you are scared you might actually be happy for once. Stop fighting, Harry. Please, just be happy. You deserve to be happy."
Hermione was crying, tears streaming down her face and her hand covering her mouth. Harry felt guilty for making her cry.
"How do you know? How could you know any of that?"
"Because I've seen the way he looks at you. That is unconditional love, Harry. Tell me what you feel from him all the time; tell me you don't feel that every second of the day?"
Harry nodded. He understood what she was saying. "Say it, Harry."
"Hurt, fear, betrayal. Constantly, it's like it's part of him. It's like he doesn't know how to not feel those emotions. Happiness, sometimes. Want, need, whenever he's around Malfoy. And love, overriding everything else and completely all-consuming. I think it's love, anyway."
Hermione nodded her head, smiling at him. "And what do you feel now?"
Harry searched out their bond. "Worry, regret, relief..." Harry turned around to see his father stood only a few meters behind him, looking down at him.
Harry suddenly felt embarrassed.
"Harry, I am so sorry. I didn't know that you would come to such an incorrect conclusion. You should know that I would never choose anyone over you. You are my life now, and that will never change. I would never force you to accept something you cannot. If you are not happy here, we will leave, no questions asked."
Harry felt relieved, mostly. There was still a hint of uncertainty, but mostly Harry trusted the man was being honest and open. He smiled up at his father, stood up and hugged him.
They walked back to the house slowly, no one in any rush to be anywhere, considering. As Harry walked through the entrance hall, he looked towards the giant door for the room he had met Voldemort in.
He needed to speak to the source.
He turned and walked into the ballroom, not bothering to knock. As predicted, Voldemort was stood in the middle of the room talking to father number 2.
Both men turned to look at him as he walked in. He felt Snape bow from behind him, and Hermione and Ron had both stopped at the door.
Harry stared at the snake without fear and growled, "Why did you kill Cedric?"
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