Why?
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction
Chapter 7...
As soon as the door closes, I freeze. I don't think I can do this. I turn around to walk back out, but the door clicks, and I assume that means they locked it behind me. Slayer strength could easily break the lock, but I think it's mainly meant as a message. There's no goin' back. I take a deep, shudderin' breath, and I take one step down the stairs.
I breathe out and freeze again. There. That wasn't so bad. Just one step. Just take one more. I nod to no one in particular and step down again. The step creaks but holds. No. Not so bad at all. Just take another step. I do as I say, and again, and again. Each time I step down one more step, my confidence builds slightly. By the time I get down to the bottom of the steps, I barely hesitate between each. I step down the last step and my feet hit the cement floor. I flip on the light switch, and my confidence is gone.
Buffy's starin' right at me. She's not strugglin' against the chains anymore, she's just starin' at me. Her expression is unreadable. I can't tell if she's angry, or if she's laughin' at my fear. I swallow as I take one step towards her, and the process of buildin' confidence begins again.
One more step. Just get one more step closer. Then another. And another. Finally, I'm only about an arm's length away from her, and I'm shakin'.
"H-h-h-hey." I say to Buffy, and I avoid looking in her eyes. She smirks.
"Hey."
"Um... Th-th-those are some s-s-strong chains, huh?"
"Yeah. Used to use them to chain Oz up on the full moon nights. Really strong."
"S-s-so Slay... Slayer s-s-strength... I-i-it can't...?"
"Nope. Looks like you're safe."
I nod, and take a deep breath.
"I um... I g-guess you know what I'm... What's fixin' t-t-t-to happen?"
"Yup. The soul balancing out thing, right? We'll each choose our own path from there, choose the light or the dark? Atone for our crimes? Try and get over what we've done to each other, and forgive what the other has done?"
"S-s-s-s-sounds about right."
"So what are you waiting for?"
"I... I w-w-wanted to... To talk..."
She looks surprized. "Well then? Talk."
"What... What are you g-g-goin' to ch-ch-choose?"
"Don't know. Soul's not balanced yet, is it? Don't know how either of us'll react once it happens. Doesn't matter, anyway. Not exactly anything I can do to stop it. All you have to do is touch some enchanted item to my skin, right? And your skin be on the other side? Doesn't have to be my hands, so I can't grab you and try to kill you if you try. The chains are too tight to try and fight you. So looks like you're the one in control this time."
The way she says it, it takes me back to that night. She was the one in control. I was hurtin' too much to fight back. I was too stunned by guilt of everything I've done to really put my heart into the little amount of fight I did put up. And suddenly, I could feel her. I could feel her fingers slammin' in and out of me, her other arm holdin' me down. I remember how sore my throat was as I tried to scream for help. But the fact that I was bein' fuckin' raped wasn't what killed me. What killed me inside was that one moment... that one single, fleetin', seemingly insignificant moment when I lost the will to fight back. I gave in. I let it happen. I let her break me.
I look into her tauntin' eyes and I almost scream in terror. She's chained up, not even botherin' to fight, and she still terrifies me almost to the point of paralysis.
I manage to stifle the scream, but a slight whimper escapes, anyway, and she smirks. No. I'm not in control. She is. Even in chains, she's dominatin' me. She's controlin' me.
"What is it, Faith? Aren't you going to use it? The little rock in your hand? Hmm... It's big enough, you could probably keep the innocent soul, and just smash my head in. Kill me. You'd get rid of me. You wouldn't have to worry about me anymore, and you could say that I tried to kill you. It was instinct. You didn't mean to kill me, you were just jumpy and I startled you. It was an accident." I look into her eyes, and I know she's toyin' with me. But she's makin' sense. "If it helps, I could rattle these chains a bit. Make a scene. Maybe they'd come running down the stairs just in time to see you kill me in self-defense. If they witness it, they can't argue with it. You'd have proof. And you'd get away with it."
But it would taint my soul. Our soul.
"You'd get rid of me."
I'd lose you.
"You know you hate me."
But I love you.
"You want to."
But I won't.
"You need to."
But I can't.
"You remember what I did to you. You can feel it."
I remember what I did to you. What I did to your friends. What I did to those humans. I can feel it.
"We'd both be free. I'd be free finally from being the Slayer, and you'd be free to do whatever you want. You'd be free to take over my life."
You'd be dead. I'd be a slave to my conscience. A slave to our soul.
"Do it!"
No.
"DO IT!" Buffy screams, and I scream as I lunge forward, swingin' the stone with all my might.
"NO!" I scream back, and I feel almost like a tuggin' sensation, like I'm bein' pulled apart, but it doesn't hurt. Then, just as soon as it happened, it's over. I feel better. The fear is almost gone. I'm not angry. I'm not scared. I'm just... balanced. And one look in Buffy's eyes says she feels the same. I pull the stone away from her chest. It worked.
"You didn't kill me?" Buffy asks, and a tear rolls down her cheek.
"No." I confirm, and I drop the stone to the ground as I step back.
"Why?"
"I... I can't... I can't go back down that road. I can't go back to bein'... Bein' that monster..."
Buffy nods, and she falls to her knees, sobbin'. The tight chains cut into her wrists, and she starts bleedin', but she ignores it, and just cries.
The feelin' inside me is overwhelmin', and I join her in her weepin'. I slump to the floor against the far wall away from her, and bury my face in my hands as my body is overcome with emotion. I barely hear the door open and footsteps comin' down the stairs as the others join us.
"Did it work?" Giles asks cautiously. I nod, and Bufy returns the nod. He sighs in relief. He sits down by me and hugs me tight, like a dad. His body starts shakin' as he starts cryin', too, and I hear everyone around us breakin' down into tears. It's like a whole big family cry thing. And the funny thing is, I feel like I'm invited. I feel like I belong. I guess magic really is somethin', because even though I can still feel what Buffy did to me, and what I've done to... well, everyone, and it still kills me what I've been through, I feel determined to make up for it. To cleanse my soul. Or to at least die tryin' to.
...
Me and B are walkin' across the college campus. It's calm, peaceful. There's definitely still tension between us, and I don't think that'll ever go away. We've done too much bad shit to each other. But, both of us are willin' to look past that and help each other redeem ourselves. It's taken a whole year for it to happen, but things have finally settled down and gotten into some kinda routine, and we've started buildin' a really shaky friendship. I'm workin' on gettin' my GED, and once I do, I'm planning on even goin' to UC Sunnydale. Which is where Buffy is goin' now.
"So how are things goin'?" I ask her. "You get everythin' moved into your new dorm okay?"
"Yeah. Everything's five-by-five." She jokes.
I smile a bit. "Cool. Sorry I couldn't help. Had a job interview."
"It's okay." She assures me. "What job?"
"Construcion. And it's lookin' pretty good."
"Well that's good. How's it coming on the GED?"
"Not bad. Lookin' pretty good, actually. Next year, who knows? Might have a new student here."
"Who knows?" Buffy agrees.
Finally, Buffy stops walkin'. I turn to look at her.
"What is it?"
She sighs. "Why didn't you do it?" I know what she's talkin' about.
But I'm silent.
"Why didn't you kill me? You could have done it easily. You wouldn't have been faulted. I tormented you. I was still tormenting you. You wanted to. So why?"
I sigh now, lookin' up at the sky.
"You know, for some superhero that saves the world on a nightly basis while still managin' to have some semblance of a normal life durin' the daytime, you're clueless. You know that, Buffy?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I didn't kill you because I couldn't. Yeah, I could have, but I couldn't do it. Sure, you were chained up. You couldn't have protected yourself. But I just couldn't do it. It would have left me with nightmares even worse than the ones I had about that night. And I'd never have forgiven myself."
"True. Innocent soul and all that."
"No. Well, yes. But no. I wouldn't have forgiven myself not because of the soul... It's 'cause... It's cause, even after what we've done to each other... even though we both absolutely hated each other... I still love you."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... I love you. I'm in love with you. Always have been. Probably always will be."
Buffy sits down on a bench beside us and squeezes her knees. I sit down beside her, we're both tense. There. It's all out there in the open.
"You... You're in love... with me?"
"Yeah. Surprize."
"So... you're... bisexual, or...?"
"No... You're the only girl I've ever been attracted to."
"Oh... And this... It isn't just in the past, is it?"
"No. I still love you. I am in love with you. Not was, am."
Buffy sighs, but doesn't say anythin'.
"Look, Buffy, you don't have to love me back or anythin'. I'm not expectin' anythin' from you. Really, I just consider it a blessin' that we're as friendly as we are with each other. Just thought you should know how I really feel. Thought... Thought maybe you'd trust me a bit more if you knew that I'd never do anythin' to hurt you. Not now. My soul's been balanced, same as yours has, and like you, I've chosen the light as my path. I'm goin' to be good. I'm goin' to redeem myself. And part of how I'm goin' to do that is by helpin' you with whatever you need help with. Be it apocalypses, redeemin' yourself, or... or whatever else you need me for. I'm here for you."
Buffy stays silent.
"Buffy? Could... could you please at least say somethin'?"
"I... I don't know what to say. I... I don't really... I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Kinda figured. Kinda had a feelin' you don't feel the same. No love for me, huh?" Tears spring to my eyes, even though I knew it would be like this once I told her.
"Faith, I'm really, really sorry."
"Don't be. I'm not mad or anythin'. You can't help who ya fall in love with, yeah? Just like you can't make yourself fall in love with someone, either. Look, it doesn't change things between us. I'm still here for ya. Whatever ya need, I'm here."
Buffy nods, grateful, but sad.
"I really am sorry, Faith."
"I know. But it's not your fault. Not mine, either. No one's fault. Don't worry about it. I just wanted you to know."
"I do. Thank you."
"No prob, B."
"Um... If... If you want... You can kiss me... just once."
I let out a shudderin' breath as I seriously consider it. But my answer isn't one that I like.
"No. Probably shouldn't. One kiss'll never be enough. If I did that, I'd resent you for it, and I'd regret it in the long run. No, better I don't know what I'm missin'."
Buffy nods in agreement.
I love her. I love her with everythin' that I am. My entire soul, my heart, it all belongs to her. I live, and I breathe for her. But I know inside me, that she doesn't feel the same. The most I can ever hope for from her is respect and friendship. So I'll settle for that.
The End
So, I hope everyone liked this story. Originally, it was a challenge by a Fanfiction author named Cotto, and the idea really appealed to me, so I accepted the challenge, and what you have just finished reading is the result. I thought that it would be a different take on a Fuffy story, and I think I accomplished that. I've wanted to do a story with a bittersweet ending for a while, and I hope that I've succeeded. Any feedback on this story would be greatly appreciated!
