Chapter 7
"City Of Delusion"


I wanted to die. How, when, where? They were all useless details that I didn't want to be bothered with, but one thing I was absolutely certain about. I didn't want to live anymore. There was, in all honesty, no point to it anymore. I'd already lived a lifespan of over 100 years, I'd seen my fair share of just about everything there is to see. And in those 100 years, I'd only been hit once by love, a love so strong and potent that nothing in this world mattered any longer. Nothing but Bella mattered.

And I let her go.

I felt as if my heart was being torn from my chest, that my insides were ripped away by a dull spoon with an aching slowness that left me mad. I could feel my sanity draining away, and I knew that what little there had been, was now wasted away in my innate madness.

Edward was no more. Edward left his heart with Bella, and this creature, whatever I am, this damnation some would call life, but what really isn't, is just a plague that I must escape from. Somehow. Somewhere.

I lost myself in speed, driving as fast as I could, weaving in and out of any traffic like a madman, wishing and hoping that somehow I could die from wrecking. Like Bella said once, turn myself into a Volvo pretzel around a tree. If only it could work. If only I could die.

I understand being a monster, and I understand Carlisle's logic. I've never blamed him for creating me, for "saving" my life by bringing me into his family, but now… now I couldn't see past my blind anger. I was drowning, though I didn't even need to breathe.

Jacob deserved Bella. He could take much better care of her than I ever could, and could give her the things I never could, and all without having to take her mortality. She could stay human with him, and they could live happily ever after somehow. It would work out, I told myself. It had to. I had to believe that what I was doing for Bella was what was best for her, though it tore me apart to do so. I wanted to know that there was some part of the monster inside of me that was willing to save people.

Please, please, just let me die somehow.

My hands were gripped so tightly on the steering wheel that it groaned. I relaxed minimally, too tense to do much else. My world was colored red, angry and resentful and I felt as though whatever divine entity Carlisle believed in was laughing in my face.

My love, my life, my heart. I knew that leaving would break her spirit, but hoped that Jacob would piece it back together. At any rate, he would be there for her, to help her, to guide her, to save her when she undoubtedly would need saving. My jealous rage dimmed to my misery.

So I lost myself it whatever I could use to dim the pain. Speed, anger, regret. I was going to leave Bella forever, and I myself… I would make do. I had to. I had to save her from herself, and most of all, I had to save her from me.

I grabbed the CD case I kept beneath the seat and flipped through my selections until I found something fitting, shoved it into the player and closed my eyes, trying to lose something, some piece of my consciousness to let go of the pain. The music was soft, a single acoustic guitar and a man's voice, but the lyrics stuck with me and I lost it.

A single bloody tear ran from my eye.

There was too much to dwell on, too many scenarios that I could see in my mind's eye, things that were once, perhaps, bright in Alice's visions that would now certainly dim. She couldn't possibly see Bella becoming a monster, now. There wasn't any possible way. I'd said my final goodbyes to the love of my life, and I was going to leave her whole and human. And I was giving her to the best thing there was, next to myself. Jacob Black.

Of course, now, Alice couldn't see Bella with Jacob being so close – which worked well in my favor. I didn't want anyone to disturb her, to see into her future or to disrupt her every day, normal human life. I didn't want Alice to mettle anymore. My instructions didn't work well the last time I left her; Alice interfered, and though it saved me my own life, I was upset. I wouldn't let it happen this time around. Whatever happened to Bella happened through fate, not by our continued meddling.

I didn't want to think about her anymore…. And yet, I did. I wanted to lose myself in the memory of Bella, the way she fit in my arms, her too-warm body against my skin, her sweet fragrance. The darkness was starting to call my name.

I pulled up the drive and slammed the car into park, holding myself back from turning around and going back to her and the hurt I knew I'd caused. I truly am a monster.

A gentle knock sounded on the car window. I ignored it, continuing to grab the steering wheel with such a force that I split the soft rubber that coated it. Then, knowing I'd only damage it further, I climbed out of the car to Emmett's waiting face.

He stared at me, wide eyed. Then he frowned. I'd cut off my mental ties, wouldn't listen to the voice in his head. He didn't understand.

"You look sick."

"Do I? I wonder." I couldn't hide the venom in my voice.

"Hey, man. You don't have to do this. You can still change it. She'll forgive you."

"No. No, I have to. I can't. She won't."

"Why aren't you listening to my head?" Emmett's eyes bored through me.

I couldn't feel anything but the hurt and pain that I'd caused myself. I wanted to smack Emmett, simply for being there and talking to me, and I wanted to hug him for caring. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

"I'm not listening anymore. I won't listen anymore. It doesn't matter."

Emmett grunted. "It's easier!"

"I don't care, Emmett. I just don't care anymore. Nothing matters."

My mental shield was up, impenetrable, and I wasn't going to cave in enough to take it down, either. They'd all have to simply deal with it.

I turned away from my brother and walked into the house. It was large, historical, a place that Esme fixed up one time or another and it simply screamed grandeur. I paid it no attention. I had a room, and undoubtedly, it would be empty. My things, my belongings – I left most of them in Forks where they belonged, along with my heart, my being. If I'd had a soul, it was there, too.

I went to my room, seething, hurting, feeling more than I'd felt in a century. What pain such a young, naïve girl caused. She so readily took me into her arms, a monster, a slave of sunless days and rain and wet. But I'd give anything to be with her. Only, I didn't have anything I could give.

Nobody else would ever hold me like that, look me in the eyes. Yes, I'd met a fair share of women who thought they would, but none knew my secrets – except, of course, Tanya from the Denali clan, but I felt nothing towards her, or any of the others, for that fact. What I wouldn't give to simply lose myself.

The room was empty, save for a simple leather couch against the back wall, and the racks that would hold my countless CD's and other random possessions, whatever entertained me at the time. The wide, elaborate windows were unshielded, blazing light into the light colored room. I pulled the shades down over them, casting the room into a kind-of twilight and threw myself onto the couch.

I decided that I wouldn't move from this room, I wouldn't do anything. I didn't have the energy, the want. What I wanted, I couldn't have. If I had to exist, I would do so on my own terms, not those set for me. I would be present for Esme, knowing it would break her heart if I set off on my own again, or if I tried to die somehow. I would be present for Alice, my favorite sister, whose love always came without price or conditions. But I wouldn't interact, or part from this room.

The sofa was soft, but it didn't matter. I couldn't make myself care.

Hunger? I couldn't make myself care about that either. Like Carlisle before me, I would force starvation upon myself. Maybe, somehow, death would come for me, though it eluded Carlisle. Maybe death could come in different ways for different creatures. Though we're much the same, we're still drastically different.

I laid there and wished that somehow death would come for me.

Stay away from me
Built a fortress and shield your beliefs
Touch the divine
As we fall in line
Can I believe when I don't trust
All your theories turn to dust
I choose to hide
From the All-Seeing Eye
Destroy this City Of Delusions
And break these walls down
And I will avenge
And justify my reasons
With your blood

Notes: First and foremost, I'd like to thank LittleCoward. Your continued words inspire me to keep writing, otherwise I would've stopped at chapter 6. Thanks for the reviews!

Also: The song that Edward was listening to? "Sympathy" by the Goo Goo Dolls. I think it's kind-of fitting.