A little late but Happy Birthday Hermione Granger! And happy talk like a pirate day! Now edited!
Remember, pillage first, then burn!
=/\=
"ARGH!" snarled a woman with wild brown locks, barely held in check by the red bandana around her head, "Loot the lot of 'em and then burn everythin' to the ground!"
Around her came a swarm of women, each with their hair caught back by red bandanas. A few carried cutlasses but most charged ahead with their wands held high. Chaos quickly ensued as the women began to grab whatever caught their eyes be it the necklace around someone's neck, a book or in one case, a statue of an animal of some sort with a crumpled looking horn.
"Arg!" the women cried and "Avast!" a few even went as far as saying "run or face my wrath ye stupid land lubbers!"
It was only when one woman, a pretty blonde in breeches and a tricorn hat, actually stunned Neville Longbottom and began to carry him off that those attacked began to retaliate. Among the retaliation was one, Harry James Potter.
Harry himself was more than a little clueless as to what the hell was going on. One minute he and his fellow trainee aurors had been eating their lunch and the next Hermione of all people, dressed in a pirate outfit that Harry was fairly sure was historically inaccurate (but he definitely wasn't going to complain except there were other people seeing her dressed like that) had apparently blown a hole in the wall of the cafeteria.
"Hermione!" Harry shouted, keeping a shield up and dodging his way past the other pirate women, trying to reach the bushy haired brunette who was engaged in battle with a trainee that Harry only distantly recognized. He could see a smug, triumphant grin on her face as she fought, graceful and ruthless with every spell. As soon as the boy fell, Harry took his place and was glad to see a moment of shock register on his best friend's face.
"Hermione, what are you doing?" Harry demanded.
"That's Captain Granger to you ya bilge rat!" Hermione snapped as she cast a stunner at him. He blocked it and the one that quickly followed.
"Fine, Captain Granger," Harry replied dryly, and she narrowed her eyes at his mocking tones, "What are you doing?"
"Isn't it obvious Potter?" Hermione said with a laugh, "Lootin', pillagin', what all good pirate maids do."
"Hermione," Harry started to argue but suddenly, things began to get fuzzy. He started to fall over. As his vision faded he distantly heard Hermione speak.
"Good job Luna,"
"Aye Capt'n,"
And then he knew no more.
Harry awoke with a jolt and winced as he knocked the back of his head against something hard. The sun was unusually bright and it took his eyes several moments to adjust. When they finally did, his mouth dropped open in shock.
He was on a boat, in the middle of the ocean and, he wiggled slightly to try to get a better sense of where he was. Yes, he and several others were tied to the main mast though for the moment he was the only one conscious.
He looked around. He could recognize a few of the girls but he didn't know most of them. They were chatting and laughing and for a moment he thought he caught sight of Fleur. A few of the girls were indulging in fights with the very sharp looking swords they carried. A slender sandy blonde in heels was somehow dominating the competition. At another part of the boat, a circle of girls was playing some sort of game that involved dice. One girl, a brunette he didn't recognize, squealed with glee as she apparently won.
Luna appeared, dressed in an outlandish combination of tattered breeches, red and white, peppermint striped tights, a tattered, sunshine yellow shirt and a bright denim vest with buttons that gleamed in the sun. Her boots clunked on the ship's deck as she walked out amidst the girls. A parrot rested on her shoulder squawking "off with their heads!" "off with their heads!".
"Arrgh!" Luna growled, "All hands on deck, the Capt'n's about to pass out tha booty!"
Cheers went up and the girls began to swarm around the deck. Harry kept careful track of them as they gathered. If he could just manage to get free…
But no, he didn't have his wand and he certainly couldn't swim and even if he could, those swords looked very sharp and the girl in heels certainly knew how to use hers.
Hermione appeared and Harry unconsciously swallowed.
The brunette witch ,who had obvious gone insane, was dressed in very tight breeches and a pair of boots that went up her legs made his mind go to certain places that he'd always previously avoided when in connection with Hermione. She wore a white shirt and a tight black vest that clung to very interesting places. Her hair was as wild as ever and a black tricorn hat had been jammed over the chocolate locks. A sword gleamed at her side and he could see her wand in a holster on her arm.
"Avast ye scurvy dogs!" Hermione growled, "Today's the day we took down those land lubbers and took what was ours!"
The girls let out cheers and a few whistled. Hermione waited for them to quiet down. Harry felt the others begin to awaken and struggle against their bonds.
"Harry," a voice hissed frantically, "What's going on?"
"No idea Remus," Harry whispered back, "I think Hermione's gone insane."
"And now it's time to divide the loot!" Hermione crowed and the girls began to cheer again.
"Fer yer faithful service, everyone get's a hogs head worth of chocolate!" Hermione said proudly and a few of her followers squealed, "But first we'll have what ye've all been waiting for."
The girls began to break out in whispers and there was a rash of nervous giggling. Harry felt goose bumps rise as his apprehension grew.
The insane witch gestured and Luna stepped forward.
"Luna, ye've been a loyal first mate, fer yer good service, you choose first, but mark that ye not take the one I've spoken for," Hermione said warningly. Harry saw Luna grin brightly and she saluted the older girl.
"Aye, aye capt'n," Luna giggled and she skipped across the deck, through the gathering of girls to stand before Harry. Two of the crew, the sword wielding girl in heels and Parvati, broke away from the group to stand beside Luna.
"No funny business," Parvati growled at the captured men, "Or the capt'n'll have ya walking the plank!"
Luna circled the mast and its captives slowly, a grin on her face. Harry couldn't see where she stopped but he could hear her.
"Him," Luna announced. Harry winced as Parvati waved her wand and another layer of rope began to wind around him and the others while the swordswoman cut through the binds of someone, or so he assumed as one of the lower layers of rope became loose.
Shortly afterward, he saw little Luna with a bemused Neville in tow and they soon disappeared below deck.
Harry noted that one by one, Hermione would call out for someone from the crowd and they would pick from the captured men. Remus was dragged away by a particularly clumsy woman but despite her stumbling, she'd kept a firm grip on the werewolf. The dice player claimed an auror Harry only vaguely recognized. One by one his fellows were taken away, a few, really only Draco, kicking and screaming. But then the Malfoy heir was being dragged away by Millicent Bulstrode so no one could condemn him too harshly.
At least not until the next time the still arrogant brat opened his mouth.
Finally, Harry himself was the only captive left tied to the mast, and he was still definitely outnumbered. The swordswoman and the dice player came up to him.
"He's the capt'n's," one girl with excessively large hoop earrings warned the two of them. The dice player and swordswoman both wrinkled their noses and the dice player rolled her eyes.
"I wouldn't take 'em if he was offered," the swordswoman scoffed, "I've a man waiting for me on land."
"He's too young for me and I've already got mine waiting for me below," the dice player said bluntly, "Capt'n wanted us to bring 'im to 'er quarters."
"Would someone please tell me what's going on with Hermione?" Harry demanded as the two dragged up to his feet. The dice player quickly had his arms bound behind him and hobbled his legs so he could barely stumble along. The dice player cuffed him on the back of his head.
"No questions land lubber," she snapped, "And it's Captain Granger to you."
"Why the hell are all of you dressed like pirates!" Harry growled in return, "And where are we?"
"West Indies," the swordswoman answered with a laugh, "And the Captain will answer everything."
"I said no questions!" the dice player said, though now she was pouting rather than really reacting so Harry didn't take her too seriously.
Eventually the pair brought him before a pair of doors that he assumed led to Hermione's quarters. The swordswoman opened one door and the dice player pushed him through.
"Have fun," they chorused and the door shut behind him. He could just make out their muffled laughter. He scowled and began to try to free himself from his bonds.
"Hello Harry," a sultry voice reached his ears and the auror trainee turned and looked to see Hermione lounging back against a mound of pillows. He gulped.
"Hermione," he said hoarsely, "What's going on?"
The brunette began to rise and stalk towards him, a smirk on her face.
"It's simple enough Harry," she purred, "You see, Sirius had a lot more than Grimmauld Place and money in his will."
"He did," Harry squeaked as Hermione drew him away from the door and towards the pillows.
"Uh-huh," Hermione replied, "You'd have realized that if you'd come to help me sort out your accounts like I asked you too."
Harry began to feel rather warm as Hermione cuddled closer to him.
"Apparently he left behind this ship, the Marauder," Hermione explained in a near whisper, her breath brushing against his ear, "It's a very interesting ship and it's the key to controlling all sort of properties and maintaining all sorts of wards. But there's a catch."
"Really?" Harry asked, trying to keep himself in control.
"Yup," Hermione said with a grin, "Turns out in order to claim this beauty and all that comes with it, the newest heir or a recognized substitute must go on a raid and loot and pillage. As your substitute, I could act as Captain."
"So that's why you broken into the ministry!" Harry declared. Hermione hummed in agreement.
"But there's a step two Harry," Hermione murmured against him and Harry fought for control. If Hermione was just doing this to help him with his inheritance then he'd never forgive himself.
"What's that?" Harry asked.
"Well Harry, what sorts of things does a pirate do?" Hermione asked, "There's stealing, general marauder like behavior, but there's something else…"
"Oh?" Harry asked, his mind going down various paths.
"The Captain has to claim a wench in the captain's quarters Harry," Hermione said, moving fully onto his lap, "And you're it."
In a flash certain pieces clicked in his mind and Harry growled. Before Hermione realized what was going on, she found herself pinned beneath Harry Potter, his eyes blazing.
"If anyone's the wench in this scenario," Harry growled, "It's not going to be me."
"Oh, really? Because," Hermione began to retort when he caught her lips with his.
=/\=
"So, you think it's worked out?" asked Neville as Luna cuddled against him. He pulled the blanket up further to give her more cover.
"Arg," Luna muttered sleepily, "The Captain's not the sort to let a scurvy landlubber like him stand in 'er way."
"Good," Neville replied with a yawn, "Because I was getting sick and tired of them dancing around each other. Remind me to thank Fleur for slipping Hermione that confidence boosting potion."
"And the inhibition lowering potion to them both," Luna added and slowly the two drifted into dreams.
=/\=
And there you have it, that's about as close as I come to writing anything citrus. And as to the inspiration, I finally read DerLaCroix's brilliant "Rocking the Boat" seriously, go read it, and Hermione's birthday falls on national talk like a pirate day. The swordswoman in heels was based on my sister who has worn heels virtually every day since she hit double digits.
Also, ninjas beat pirates any day
