Hey, didn't I update yesterday or something? Whatever, I don't remember – I just wanted this chapter to be posted because I had so many ideas that I really didn't want them to get lost.
Warning – this chapter will be kind of...difficult if you don't really get the story and how Bella's feelings work; it'll also be kind of a shock to those who do :/
Soundtrack: You Burn First – Alexisonfire
After around 6 months of living in wet, cold, silent Forks, driving in New York was a complete shock to the system. It was a good thing I had learnt to drive here, and had lived here for most of my life, otherwise I just never would've coped! Crazy New Yorker's cutting you off no matter where you were, and getting stressed and swearing at everyone had taken over me after about 5 minutes of being just outside the main city.
But hey, it's all a part of the city, right?
Surprisingly, the traffic down 5th avenue wasn't so bad today, but it was where I wanted to be in the first place. I stole the only available parking space left outside the Zeiracorp office (Weaver's parents had bought a huge building, converting it into a New York branch for our company years ago), and opposite Central Park. As I climbed out of the car, gazing upon the familiar sight, I remembered the last time I'd been in there:
It was at the end of December, and I'd just come out of training in the New York branch of Zeiracorp. I had been told to stay working at this building for the rest of this year, and that I wouldn't have to go back to working in Seattle for a while. Caleb was disappointed, because he didn't want to be back here with his nagging parents, but he couldn't really do anything about it.
It was really cold, but six hours of training made the crisp air feel wonderful on my over-heated skin. I sat in the park, watching people go by, and laughing to myself, shaking my head at their naivety of the world. They could bitch about taxes, and fuel prices, and how late the kids stayed out last night, or whether or not Gucci was having a sale this weekend; it didn't matter, they hadn't seen how cruel the world could be yet. Not as much as I had, and I was only 16, and had only being doing this job for under a year now!
I loved to sit in there and just relax, feeling how calm the place was, and how nothing really changed in here. And maybe if I closed my eyes, my mom would come and tease me for falling asleep, the way she used to...
My eyes opened with a snap.
I hadn't actually realized they were closed and I was in a full on trance until a car screeched its brakes very close to me, jolting my back to the present with a slight bump. Suddenly I was back in an awful society – a place where my problems were very much real and unsorted.
But for once, I let them all go, thinking about doing what was right for me, instead of right for everyone else. Usually I would've found this weird but...I didn't really feel right today.
My old apartment was down the Avenue of the Americas - but I just called it 6th avenue. What was the point in calling it something else? – but I didn't head there straight away. Instead I jogged across the road when no-one was yelling, heading into central park for a walk to clear my head before I went somewhere and crashed – I didn't feel tired, but I probably would later. It was like 9AM – I'd been driving all night, pushing the car as fast as it would go, and it hadn't failed me. This is why I invested in a fast, expensive car that could get me from Forks to New York in just over 14 hours!
I didn't get any strange looks as I walked down 5th to one of the park entrances, nor did anyone recognize me and shout my name, though I was half expecting it. That was the beauty of being somewhere so large that you would probably never bump into someone you know by accident, and my look was nowhere near out of the ordinary compared to some people that you saw walking around the place. But even though this was where I had grown up, and had spent the vast majority of my life, it didn't feel as much of a homecoming as I thought it had been. Maybe Forks really was my home now.
The park wasn't busy, seeing as though it was 9:30 on a Monday morning, and the New Yorkers were at work, the joggers had been and gone, and the tourists were still lost somewhere. It looked the same as it did the last time I had been in, but like walking down 5th, it really didn't feel so much of a homecoming as I'd thought. The trees were nice to walk under, but they were nothing compared to the wet, shaded, confined woods of Washington, and the people here I knew were a lot more arrogant, spoilt and selfish from the small-town community of Forks!
Oh God, I really had become a Washington girl.
I threw myself onto a bench, leaning back against the already warm wood and exhaling; I was glad I'd left my jacket in the car. So now I couldn't even decide which city I was from? Huh, maybe it wasn't my life screwing me over – maybe it was just my inability to make decisions!
All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away...
Seriously, why did I even take my cell phone out of the car?
I pulled it out of my pocket, groaning at the caller ID: it was Emmett.
"Department of fucktards, Bella speaking." I answered.
"Huh, that was pretty good for you, Bells." I rolled my eyes.
"Always with the compliments, huh big brother? What can I do for you?"
"You can tell me what you're doing in New York?" It was a question, not a statement. "Seriously, we just got back here, with Edward and Alice wanting to speak with you, not to mention me, and dad hands me this letter saying you've taken off to New York for God knows what reason." His annoyed voice became a little worried. "Hey, is everything alright at that place – you know, where you work? From what I heard of that phone call things were pretty intense." I groaned. I so didn't want to get into this right now! Was it too much to ask just to spend one morning in the park, or did my problems love me that much they never wanted to leave me?
"Yeah things are intense, but I had to come down here for another reason. I'm in a pretty public place right now, so I don't want to say anything about it – ask Jacob, he'll be able to tell you."
"Joy." He muttered.
"And as for wanting to speak to me, here's your chance. What did you have to say so badly that you had to leave Alaska to come and see me?" I pulled my legs onto the bench, folding them beneath my body. More people were starting to mill around, and I just wanted to make myself as small as possible...okay, I was definitely starting to not be myself today.
"You really can't guess?" he asked in a confused voice. "Huh, guess I just wanted to talk to you." He sighed, but I knew he was changing the subject. "I don't know, it just seems that ever since I married Rose, you and me aint been that close, you know?"
"That's not true." I lied. "Come on, Emmett! I'll admit, we haven't really been as close lately, but there's just been so many things going off that there really hasn't been time."
"Yeah, I guess." He sighed. "Did you get my message?"
"Yeah...it was a bit of a shock."
"Well I meant every word." He said sharply. "You're my baby sister, and that overrides any family members I inherited from getting married! And whatever you choose, you got me to stick up for you, understood?"
"Yeah. And likewise, Em, you'll always be my brother, no matter what." Tears were springing up in my eyes from the way our conversation was going. There was suddenly more people around, and I longed to be at home! There wasn't much signal, but I would've rather had this conversation in the forest somewhere! I needed family right now. Something inside me just told me that something awful was going to happen, and happen soon.
"Alright, Bells, I'll let you go. You got any plans for today?"
"No, not really." Liar. "I doubt I'll be down here long though." liar. "So I'll head up to Forks as soon as I'm done with things here." Once again: liar.
"Uhhm, Bella, no offense, but do you know what today is?" he asked slowly. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about.
"Monday?"
"...Bells, it's your 17th birthday." I froze. Of course, of course! That's why he called, and that's why he rang me! "You really forgot?"
"Yeah, I guess I did. Look, I really don't want to get into this, so I'll see you when I get back."
"Fine, but Alice knows what today is, and no doubt she'll be planning things..."
"And rest assured I will be back to kill her for doing so." I laughed shakily. "Bye, Em."
"Bye, Bells, and happy birthday!" I laughed high and fake-like, ending the call and standing up from the bench, suddenly much more eager to get my job done, so I could meet the shapeshifter pack and go home – go back to my real home; there was just nothing left for me here, nothing but bad memories. Naomi had said that joining the shifter pack and learning my heritage was optional, right? Well I didn't want anything to do with it. My mom had quit – I would quit. And by quitting, I meant quitting everything.
I began a brisk walk out of the park and back down 5th avenue, turning at the very end to go down 6th avenue, instead of continuing down 5th.
I passed a whole load of people just on my way to the apartment, people that I had probably never seen, probably would never see again, and it was likely that in five minutes I wouldn't remember their faces. I had forgotten just how big the park actually was, and it took me a while to get to the end of the street, and onto the next avenue.
I used to always come down 5th avenue shopping. I could just whip out my black credit card in any store and buy whatever the hell I wanted, simply because I could. Alice would like that, and so would Rose, I bet. If I ever came back, I'd take them shopping down here – whether or not it was wedding dress shopping was still being determined in my mind. Though if I were perfectly honest with myself...things were starting to really sway in Edward's direction.
I mean, at least Edward had bothered to say goodbye to me when I left Alaska to put myself in danger; at least he had attempted to ring me to make sure that I got home safely; at least he left me a voicemail expressing his love seeing as though I didn't pick up the phone. He cared about me, and even though he rung to make sure I was safe, he wasn't clingy or possessive. He had been willing to let me go with Caleb for crying out loud, simply because that would've been what I wanted. He loved me, but he didn't own me, and he knew it; he knew I could look after myself, but he always checked to make sure I was okay, sometimes I think I needed that – just to know someone really did care about what happened to me.
As for Caleb? The total opposite.
He let me go without a goodbye; he never called; he never said he was sorry; he never gave me a choice; he was never willing to let me go if that was what I wanted. The choices he made were to benefit him, not both of us. Don't get me wrong, I knew he loved me, but sometimes I just think that all he cares about is getting me, and us going back to the way things used to be. But it's too late. I've changed, he changed, our situation changed; we can never go back to who we once were. But Caleb knows me better than I know myself! And he has never stopped loving me, never said anything to hurt me...
Does that mean I've made up my mind once and for all?
...I'm going to go with a simple yes, not a definite one. He may have his flaws, but I know exactly who I want to spend the rest of my life with...
I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I almost walked past the apartment building.
It was quite fancy in its own way, but nothing compared to some of the penthouses we had been in before, or could've lived in. It was made of greyish-brown stone, with a front area leading up to the heavy wooden doors. There were only two apartments in the whole place. They weren't so big, but perfect if there were only two people living there; maybe that's why Caroline had wanted to move out.
I walked in the door, grinning at the lack of doorman; we really didn't care here; there were usually artists in the other apartment, or poor students who could only afford to live here. I knew know my mom had plenty of money, and she could've lived somewhere better, but she liked to keep me close to reality. "No pathetic private schools with heiresses, or parties with wannabe princesses!" she had said to me plenty of times. It didn't bother me, though, I was a feminist through and through – I always had been.
The apartment was on the left hand side, and had been, to my confusion, boarded up. I ripped the note from the door, which said something about the sight being under official investigation. At the bottom was signed a red Z in a black circle: Zeiracorp. If someone had been in this apartment and had gone through the stuff that had been left here I was going to go beserk! I had ordered the place to be locked up so that I could come back here and search for anything hidden. So help me if Cathy had already had people looking...!
I broke through the wood on the door quickly, but quite loudly. I didn't care, though. No-one was going to stop me now. The door unlocked from the inside, and I quickly let myself in, closing the door and locking it behind me before I was seen.
This place had changed since I last saw it – big time.
Dust engulfed everything, covering all the furniture in a soft, powdery sheen; the windows had been partly boarded up, so it was pretty dark; a lot of items were missing from when we had moved; my feet were making too much sound compared to what they usually sounded on the plush carpet. Looking down, I saw that it had been pulled up and not replaced properly, and the part I was walking on was just floorboard. I knew Cathy wouldn't be able to stop herself from checking!
I didn't bother checking the kitchen or the back yard; there was nothing important there. Besides, this wasn't my mom's home anymore; Caroline had made sure of that. Instead I made my way up the stairs, being transported to the night where I had thrown two fits because Brian and Caroline were making me move to Forks. Little did they know that that tiny little town marked the end for both of them, both for revenge that they weren't involved in, but one of them more gruesomely sadistic than the other...Brian, all I can say is that I know what you went through, man.
I walked along the upstairs landing, looking into my old room. It really was bare in here, except for the worn red carpet. I had made sure that everything of mine was removed from here and taken to my new home – I couldn't afford to leave anything behind. It kind of frightened me to think back to how different I was back then. I didn't even recognize my own reflection in the mirror anymore, though whether or not that was a good thing I didn't know – a little bit of both, I reckon.
I bypassed Caroline and Brian's room, which had been the spare when it had just been me and my mom. He had moved out of his my mom's room when she died – it hurt him too much to be in there.
Finally I came to a stop outside my mom's room, which had a keypad installed, and had a note taped to the door. Both were new, and I forgave Cathy a little bit.
Bella, the note said, Sorry for sending people into this apartment when you asked me not to, but if there was anything in the main part of the house, then we needed to get it out just in case anyone broke in. I know you know what security was in your mother's room, but we don't, and I know you'll want to search through her things yourself. You know the password: it's the end.
Catherine Weaver
The password was the end? The end of what? I figured it out quickly.
Hands shaking, I entered the combination 301208; the green light flashed on the pad, and the door swung open eerily, revealing a room that hadn't been stepped in for almost a year and a half, not even by me. The end – the end of my happy life, the end of my mother's life, the end of Bella Swan, and introducing General Swan, leader of the troops of Zeiracorp, as well as a major government spy – the 30th of December 2008, the date when both my mother and me died.
If I thought the downstairs room was awful, this was something else. The dust was at least an inch thick, and it smelt of must really badly. It had the preserved feeling of a place that has been locked away for a very long time, and I suppose a year and a half was a long time to go without any human inhabitants.
If I thought I could handle this, I was wrong – so wrong. My thought in the park had been right: something bad was going to happen, and it was too late to stop it. Before I could back away, stopping everything before it got out of control, I felt something inside of me snap. All I could think was that it was my control – I just let it go. I'd kept myself in check for 18 months – I'd had enough.
I just found myself so angry at absolutely nothing, yet absolutely everything at the same time! My mother, the one who was supposed to take care of me, and help me through the teenage years had abandoned me, leaving me to deal with all her shit! She had left me to struggle with this world I had no clue about! She left me to find it all out on my own! If she hadn't have died I would've had a choice, not thrust into this life, making the same fucking mistakes over and fucking over! Why did she leave me to do things I couldn't do?
"YOU LEFT ME TO DIE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Nothing and no-one was on my side anymore – Emmett excluded, but he would choose Rosalie if it came to it – I was alone.
I started throwing everything I could find across the room, diving under the bed and fetching out a box full of important looking stuff and throwing it through the window. If it all broke, then fuck it, just fuck it all! If it didn't, it was mine. Everything else I smashed, not caring what the fuck it was; my mind was a blur, filled with red rage at Renee, the whore who had left me to die, but I did remember pocketing a few things, though for the life of me I couldn't have said what they were.
Nothing in the room escaped my anger; photo frames were smashed, the bed was overturned, and I put my foot through the TV screen. There was one thing I had to get rid of though, one memory that would remove the last traces of Renee Swan from the planet – the apartment.
I sprinted down the dark stairs, heading into the grimy kitchen and under the kitchen sink where I knew it would still be. Brian had kept gasoline in case of emergencies, and I'd heard him bitching that he'd forgotten it when we'd stopped on the way to Forks. And there it was, the bright orange canisters – to my luck, there was two, small enough for me to carry. I grabbed a hoodie that was lying on the side – probably one of the Zeiracorp guys – pulling it on and covering my face as well as I could before grabbing the canisters and heading up the stairs. If I was seen, I wouldn't be recognized, and if I wasn't, it would protect my other clothes for when I went back out - if I went back out.
My eyes were fuzzy and hazy, and red still clouded my vision, but I knew this memory would be with me forever. I threw gasoline all over the upstairs rooms; mine, Renee's, Brian's, and the two bathrooms. Hands strangely calm, I pulled a cigarette lighter from my pocket as I stood on the outside of Renee's room, the furthest from the stairs.
"Goodbye, Renee." I whispered, smirking.
And then I dropped the lighter.
The entire room was ablaze within a few moments, and I hightailed it out of there to finish my job before the whole apartment was engulfed. I did the same to the downstairs rooms, using the other canister to cover the entire area, leaving the fire upstairs, which was already spreading down the stairs, to do my job for me.
I would've stayed there to die, I really would, but I had other things to do.
I chose the kitchen window to break and jump out of seeing as though it was at the side, and covered by trees – no-one would see me here. The boards broke easily, and the glass was nothing as I forced my way through, landing on the overgrown grass outside. The box I had thrown was surprisingly intact, so I picked it up after taking the hoodie off and throwing it back into the apartment, which was almost completely ablaze. I walked away onto the street, never looking back.
I had literally just gotten back into the car when the fire crew sped past, lights blazing and sirens going, heading for 6th avenue.
"Stupid humans." I laughed, grinning down at the battered box on the passenger seat beside me.
"Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me!" I whispered, cackling as I pulled out of my parking space, accelerating hard as I pulled out onto 5th. "Happy 17th birthday!"
Yes, Bella's finally snapped and gone kind of insane :/ told you it would be a shock – unless you saw that coming!
Review please and tell me what you liked/didn't like, it really does help me you know!
Charlie
