Sorry guys. After moving and then getting two jobs I have been really busy and stressed. This chapter took way too long to write and I fear that I might have messed something up. My confidence is like zero at the moment. So…review : ) Good or bad. Whatever.
Thanks so much for everyone who has stuck with this story. Your loyalty and patience astound me. I will try and get working on another chapter immediately. If you have a suggestion or request please leave it in a review or message me. I am also working on a Peeta/Katniss lemon one shot from Catching Fire. Be on the lookout for that.
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I dream differently. I dream of his hands on me. They caress and hold tight to me. I'm not scared or hesitant in my dreams. We say and do things I've never even contemplated and yet I'm intrigued by them. I imagine his bare skin on my bare skin. I imagine what would happen if we let go of control. Where would that lead? My mind let's me think of all kinds of scenarios. I allow it in my sleep state. There I am his and he is mine with no obstacle. When I awake my inhibition has reappeared.
I look out the window over the expansive yard while I do dishes at the sink. The warm water rushes over my hands and it contrasts to the cold porcelain of the plates. I'm home in the middle of the day. Peeta is still in town baking. He's recovered the old site of his parents' bakery and has rebuilt his own. The whole process happened rather quickly. I'm proud of him, but I miss him during the day. I miss being able to walk next door to watch him work. We had converted his house into the bakery since we lived together anyway in my house. That lasted for a good while until Peeta told me his wishes.
I hate going into town. It makes my skin crawl and also makes me aware of the responsibility I hold of so many people's deaths. I avoid going into town as much as possible. Even the idea of going to see Peeta's bakery puts me on edge.
I don't understand why he needed to rebuild on the old bakery site. I would not want to rebuild on the black flattened remains of my house, but then I don't exactly want to be in this Capitol house either. The only reason I stay is that Peeta has made it bearable.
Peeta has handled going back into town pretty well even though he sometimes struggles with flashbacks. The horrific flashbacks that involve me are triggered as well. We suspect that the new stress he's invited in has made them worse. He has been having a hard time being close to me in the last few weeks since the bakery has opened. I feel such a strong sense of loss from the absence of his touch that it hurts to be around him at times. I dream of the time when he would hold me and kiss me. I dream and when I wake I fear he knows how desperate I am for him.
I would not have believed a word from anyone if they told me I would feel this way about a person. I thought my ability to love was lost with Prim, but somehow the experience of her death has made me love harder and not take it for granted. I still get scared or nervous with how well Peeta knows me. Sometimes I want to be a fortress closed to all. Then he will say or do something that makes me want to be completely known to him.
I find myself resenting him lately which only makes me feel exceedingly guilty. I hate that he's made me love him so much. I hate that he's made me want his touch, but then it is taken away from me because he wanted to carry on his family's legacy. In some illogical way I feel like he's chosen something over me. My shame devours me because I'm obviously not a mature enough person.
I finish the dishes and start drying them. When I turn to put them away I hear the door open and close. I figure its Greasy Sae dropping off some groceries. She still feels the need to take care of me, and it helps that I give her extra meat when I hunt. I don't turn around or stop what I'm doing. Her footsteps seem louder than usual and I sense something is off. When I finally do stop and turn I see it wasn't Greasy Sae but Peeta.
He is looking down at the ground and is leaning against the wall as if defeated. I take a step towards him and he looks up. I stop when I see his eyes. They are strange and filled with too many emotions to count. I'm afraid he might be in one of his flashbacks.
"I'm fine. It's not that." He says lowly as if he's reading my mind. "Already dealt with that today." He mumbles.
"What is it?" I ask cautiously.
"I just…miss you." He stands away from the wall and takes a small step toward me. "I'm sorry that I've not been able to be around, I just…"
"I know. The flashbacks." I can't hide the pain from my voice over this subject. I can't lie and say I don't wish that they weren't in our lives, and sometimes I fantasize as much.
"That and I'm just so focused on making this bakery a success. I feel like I will let my family down if I don't." He rubs his face with his hand and I can see the stress roll off of him in waves.
I can't think of what to say to him, what words to comfort him. Instead I do something so out of character. Perhaps it's because I hadn't touched him in such a long time or maybe my heart was softer than I thought. I slowly approach him afraid of rejection. I come close and lift my arms. I hug him. I really hug him like the mere act was going to save us both.
"God I missed you." He whispers hoarsely into my hair. His lips move toward my ear. "I love you. I really do, Katniss."
I try to push down the emotion that bubbles up in me that make me want to breakdown and tell Peeta how I've been feeling. I feel like if I reveal that much to him that I would ruin something inside him. I know he hasn't meant to hurt me, but he has anyway. Nevertheless I can't hurt him by letting him know that.
"I know, Peeta." I whisper back still holding onto him.
He pulls back and hesitates. I wonder if he's going to pull back or if a flashback is taking hold of him. I fear both. But slowly he closes the space between us. It's like a first kiss; soft, tender, and cautious. His mouth feels new but his taste is a welcome familiarity. Then he kisses me like I'm used to. More passion, more desperation. I suppose he kisses me like that because he's scared he won't be able to ever again. Product of so much tragedy I suppose.
His hands roam down my back, and soon as we become more intertwined they travel each curve of my body. My skin ignites and I want him to touch me, to really touch me.
"Do you have time? Are you on break?" I ask frantically.
"Yeah, I have a few hours." He answers back looking confused.
I grab his hand without an explanation and march him to our bedroom. I kiss him the second we clear the threshold and he responds eagerly if not surprised. I back us up to the bed and when I feel my legs hit the mattress I sit down and scoot myself on it. Peeta follows and soon we are lying side by side kissing. When I grab onto his shirt and take it off he looks startled. When I rip off my shirt revealing my bra he gapes. When I pull him over me he stops.
"Katniss, are you okay?" His hands caress the side of my face and I feel like I'm going to explode. He hadn't touched me like that in so long. I close my eyes and try to remember the question. I can feel his bare skin on my hands and it's very distracting.
"Katniss?"
"You haven't touched me…really touched me…in weeks Peeta." I open my eyes and see him staring down at me. "I missed it. I missed you."
He kisses me slowly, sweetly. I feel like I want to cry but I'm unsure as to why. Perhaps I need him more than I thought and it scares me but I can't stop. I can't stop needing or wanting him. I push away the emotions that make me want to breakdown. I've lost so much and I just want this one thing, this one security. I want his love, all of it.
We become more urgent, racing into the unknown. I feel his hands move slowly away from my face and start to travel up and down my side. His hand slope the curve of my hip, the dip of my waist. He keeps moving until he's right by my right breast. He pulls slightly away and I take a deep breath. His hand careful and nervous covers me. Then his thumb sweeps over me and I'm still amazed over how sensitive I am there. A small moan crosses my lips and he is kissing me again. His taste and touch in tandem is almost too much.
Soon he is touching me with unequaled fervor and I feel my heart race inside me. It's like my body is revving up to something I don't yet understand. He lies on his side and I instantly miss him, but he's not done yet. He grabs my leg and hitches it over his hip and his arms wrap around me. I feel so safe and loved.
I feel a sensation in the pit of stomach that I've only felt a handful of times in my life and most of them were with Peeta. This time it's strong and insatiable. He pulls me closers as if he knows that I need it. I feel how much he wants me and I'm overcome with a sense of triumph and also fear. He pushes against me. I instinctively push back. The feeling is so satisfying we are soon pushing against each other in rhythm. I struggle to keep the feeling of sweet abandon as he kisses me as if he could consume every part of me.
He rolls us over so that he is on top of me. The sensation of him against me like this takes my breath away. He makes a move to take off my bra and I gasp. I'm not ready for that and he sees it immediately. We pause, suspended in some kind of spell. We both are uncertain; I can see it in his eyes. Do we continue the dance? I know I feel as if the clothes we are wearing are horrible obstacles, but at the same time I can't fathom being able to go on. What would happen?
Making love to Peeta has crossed my mind of course. He's the only one that ever had that privilege. I'm not worried about any consequences like children since I have had multiple shots to make sure I didn't get pregnant for a long while when I was District Thirteen. They wouldn't want the Mockingjay actually with child. My mind races and becomes unfocused. He brings his hand up to my face again and caresses me once more bringing me back to the moment.
"We don't have to…" He swallows the rest of his words. I know he wants to as well as I do, but we are not ready. I then wonder if we will ever be able to let both of guards down enough to do that.
"I know." I finally respond relieving the strange tension that had entered our abandon. I bring him down to kiss me again. He moans a little and the sound makes me indescribably happy that I could elicit such reactions from him.
We spend the rest of the afternoon kissing and holding each other. Peeta eventually has to go back to the bakery. He is reluctant to go and I am reluctant letting him go. Before he goes I pull him aside. There is something I have to make sure he knows.
"You know," I take a deep breath feeling like I'm releasing more of my secrets. "You're the only one. The only one I've ever…wanted."I blush despite myself.
He smiles and looks down. I wonder if he is blushing too. He doesn't say anything for awhile and I'm afraid of two things. One, that he doesn't feel the same way about me despite evidence to the contrary. And two, that he has felt like this with someone else. I start to regret letting him know.
"Katniss, you are the only girl I could ever imagine being with…in anyway. You are definitely wanted." His smile is blinding and I smile back.
At the same time I hate myself for always doubting him. He is the one constant I have left. Why despite everything do I have a hard time trusting him?
"I love you." I volunteer because in the moment it feels good to say.
"I love you too." Peeta then kisses me one final time and leaves.
I am left alone with a warm feeling still consuming my body. I know that our relationship is changing. Sometimes it feels to fast. But this afternoon I'm confident that it was exactly what I needed.
