Chapter 7
"Looks like you haven't taken your sleeping pills yet" Hank says. "Oh yeah" She says "I guess I haven't" She knows that they probably won't work anyway besides she is way too excited to sleep. "Please take them" Hank begs. "Yeah I will, Cliff says that the Rohyponal is supposed to kick in the second you take it. You do know what Rohyponal is don't you?"
"Well a sleeping pill obviously" Brooke says. "It's the same thing as Roofilin" He tells her Brooke knows that drug really well considering it is the only prescription drug she has taken. Unlike the two Halcion she had taken the night before, or was it two nights before, now she can't even remember, Roofilin actually works for her, in fact it works really well for her, it did knock her out the second she took it and she knows it will again. She pops the three pills into her mouth. Nothing.
They are not working for her at all. She decides to go down stairs on to the computer. She knows that Hank is right, she is becoming rather addictive to the sight but she really wants to confide in IAMSAD and she doesn't want anything more.
B'Dazzle: Hi I'm back did you miss me?
IAMSAD: I did actually. Yes. How did things go with your friends was it completely awkward? It's always awkward when I get together with my friends especially now
B'Dazzle: Well that's one way to put it I guess. I think I'm sick
IAMSAD: Well technically yes you are. Depression is an illness after all
B'Dazzle: I know that. That's not what I mean, I think I have something worse then depression way more serious
She tries to think of how she is going to word all of this. For a long while she just stares into space with her hands hovering above the keyboard.
IAMSAD: Hello? B'Dazzle? Brooke? Are you there?
B'Dazzle: Yeah I'm sorry I just got a little bit side tracked
IAMSAD: Yeah that happens sometimes, so why do you think it's something worse then depression?
B'Dazzle: Because I'm having hallucsinations, first of all while I was over at my friends house I saw the grim reaper put his hand on my shoulder and then I started throwing up rotting corpses.
IAMSAD: RUOK?
B'Dazzle: no. I'm not ok. I don't even think that was really a hallucsination I think that was like more of a daymare
IAMSAD: A what?
B'Dazzle: Well basically like a nightmare but during the day
IAMSAD: So you just slept during the day in other words?
B'Dazzle: No I don't believe I was sleeping at least not according to other people, I was apparently wide awake
IAMSAD: So like a hallucination
B'Dazzle: Kind of I guess, but different in a way. Anyway my boyfriend thought it was nothing more then sleep deprevation, so once I got home I got into bed and I felt something stinging my entire body, it turned out to be a colony of red ants, they were everywhere their was a whole infestation of them, and I had to go and throw my whole bedding out the window and for what? for a bunch of red ants that weren't even there.
IAMSAD: Wow shit girl
B'Dazzle: Is this normal to depression?
IAMSAD: I've never experienced anything like that, but I have read other peoples posts, one woman talked about how she saw Demon's ripping off her cloths.
B'Dazzle: Oh my. Well that doesn't sound nearly as bad as throwing up rotting corpses
IAMSAD: It was bad, she saw them every single day.
Just then Hank comes in with all the bedding stuff she had thrown out the window, apparently it was a really big job. "Brooke?" He asks, "What are you still doing up. You just took three sleeping pills you shouldn't be up and about you should be in bed" "Well maybe they haven't kicked in yet" She says staring at the screen. "They should have" Hank says. "You took three of them!" "I know how many I took" She says lashing out the third time that day. "Well one of them was Roofilin, that's supposed to" "Knock you out the moment you've taken it. I've heard. It didn't I guess I'm a freak" And maybe she is. Maybe their is something wrong with her brain chemistry or body maybe she just can't respond to pills he once again thinks about how much of a mistake it is going to be having her take the Trintellix, it won't do a thing, but he does not say a peep about it.
"You aren't on that website again are you?" He asks. "No" Brooke says, "What website would that be?" "Very funny" Hank says, "That website you've been obsessing with for days snuh" "I just want to know if it's normal to have hallucinations with depression" "Well yes." Hank says, "Yes it is, because you lost sleep over this silly site because of well because of depression." "It's not a silly website to me" She bursts out. "Yeah well it's what's causing your your this" "My this?" She asks exasperated as ever. "What the fuck is my this?" "You know" He says,
"God damnit, I'm going to fix up your bed for you and then you are going to go lie down in it because you took three god damn fucking sleeping pills." "THEY AREN'T WORKING!" She screams and then knocks over the chair. He has never seen her so damn scary. He is worried she is going to start attacking him and backs away.
"Yeah well they should, and they probably will" He says in a scared voice "No they won't, I think I just need more. Do you think maybe you could call Cliff up and ask him to give me one more Roofilin? I think that's what I need" "Damn it Brooke no you don't of course you've taken enough you took three" "SNUH" She snaps. She then once again becomes tearful and apologetic again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry" She wails, "please don't hurt me" He has no idea what she is talking about, if anything she was about to hurt him.
"What?" He asks in honest confusion. She collapses to her knees and sobs.
"What's WRONG with me!" She cries, "Why aren't they working?"
"Maybe because you aren't in bed?" Hank says he knows that that is a lame thing to say on so many levels and that makes a total of zero sense. She nudges him in the ribs. "You're such a dweeb" She says. "It doesn't matter where I am they'd kick in anyway and they haven't" "Yeah you're right but reguardless you should be in bed right now" "If you say I took three sleeping pills one more time I'm really going to fucking lose it" "Okay fine" He says, "I won't say it"
"Good" She says folding her arms across her chest. "Just go to sleep" He says. "NO!" She shrieks kicking the brick wall. "I can't sleep I can't fucking sleep besides it's something like 1:00" Hank is completely at lost ends, in literally seconds she is not the only one crying. Now they are both crying. Great. Just god damn fucking great
The pills never do end up working. She is once again up all night but at least this time she actually stays in bed which is really fucking painful. Her clock reads 1:30. She tosses and turns in her bed. She decides that it won't hurt to maybe take one more halcion, maybe four will do the trick. What the hell is she thinking it had been literally hours since she took the other three there is no way they'd still be in her system. She doesn't want to wake Hank up who is sleeping so soundly. No fair no fucking fair, so she decides she will just help herself to one of his pills, he probably won't ever know the difference at least she can't really expect him to notice much of a difference. She gingerly walks to the bathroom and takes out one pill she pops it into her mouth. Nothing.
But she supposes she wasn't really expecting any effects. He has quite a full bottle of pills maybe she should take more. She takes another one, then another she then takes exactly 24 the number of her age. One by one she pops them into her mouth like mentos. She sits at the edge of the bathtub waiting for something to happen but still nothing, wait actually yes something. She is feeling more riled up and extra alert and super anxious. Her heart is beating so fast against her chest that she can swear it can be heard a mile away. She feels in fact more awake then she has in a really long time like she has chugged down maybe 24 red bulls. Why does she feel like this?
Didn't she take sleeping pills? She breathes heavily. Maybe she should just take 25. 25 will work it has to. 25 has got to be the magic number. She wonders if she will ever even survive to be 25. As depressed as she may be.
She doesn't want to die. One of her all time favorite movies is an idependent Drama/Comedy/Fantasy called "Wristcutters: A Love Story" It is about teenage boy who commits suicide. He goes to an after life that is supposed to be like Hell only it is quite a lot different from any of the bibles depiction of hell. In that hell it is like the person who commited suicides life only as they put in the movie just a little bit worse and of course theirs also the fact that theirs also no way out, once you are there you are their for good. They had never actually said this in the movie but her take on it is that if a person is to kill themselves in that Hell they will be sent to a lower level of Hell and it will keep getting worse. But her life is not bad. She has a good life. A perfectly good life, the only thing bad about her life is her crippling depression which is probably just going to get worse in every dimension of hell. She has never been raised Catholic or any other kind of Christian but the movies depiction of Hell is most definitely something she can believe. Anxiously she jostles Hank who is still sleeping soundly.
"Hank" She cries shaking him by the shoulders. "Hank wake up" He wakes up startled. "Brooke?" He asks. "What's wrong babe? Are you all right?" Her eyes are really wide. "I' I did something really stupid just now Hank" She says. "Oh shit Brooke" Hank says,
"What did you do?" She gently grabs on to his hand and leads him into the bathroom where she shows him the almost empty bottle of his Halcion. "Oh my god Brooke you didn't. How many" "25" She says. "Are you okay?" He asks her. "No" She says in a little girl voice once again.
"25 Brooke?" He cries, "What were you trying to do" "It's not what it looks like" She says. "No?" He asks. "Then what the hell is this?" "I, I just wanted to sleep."
"Uhuh" He says. "God damnit Brooke, god fucking damnit" "Don't yell at me" She says. "You have to believe me" "Why shouldn't I believe that you weren't trying to off yourself? You're obviously depressed" "Yeah I'm depressed" She says,
"I'm not suicidal, I just wanted to sleep I took 25 god damn pills why am I not asleep?" "You took my Halcion?" Hank asks. "I think so" She says, "It was dark I couldn't really see what I was taking" "Well that sure is stupid now isn't it" Hank says folding his arms across his chest. He turns on the light and sees that his Halcion is still safely tucked away.
She didn't take Halcion at all. So what the fuck did she take? He then sees the half empty bottle and shoves it at her. "Brooke this is my Viagra" He says. "You you you you you dumb blonde" Brooke's jaw drops open and he can't tell if that's because of the news that she just took Viagra or because he called her a dumb blonde. "It's Viagra?" She asks, "Well then I should be feeling super horny" Hank face palms. "Shouldn't I?" She asks. "No Brooke" He says, "You shouldn't it doesn't work for women it's for men who are having errectile dysfunction. Anyway could I please see your phone" "No" She says, "Why?" "I'm need to get Dr. Williams number" "My appointment isn't until 4:30 though remember?" "Yeah I remember, but what we're going to do is take you to the emergency room and then I'm going to call Dr. Williams" "He won't see me, he doesn't see me until 4:30" "I'm aware of that" Hank says, "But he will see you now, he better see you now, because this is a god damn fucking emergency.
