A/N: I debated long and hard abut Addison's OB/GYN. I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to go in the hospital or to find someone outside. Regardless, I had to write a new character; I think she'll play some what of a role in the story. But, nonetheless, Addison is going to a private practice beause the hospital doesn't quite work.

Hope you all enjoy it! Feedback is good.


Addison deftly maneuvered her car into an empty parking stall near the front door of her new OB/GYN's office. She turned off the ignition but didn't move to leave the car. She was rather grateful she had made the decision to look outside Seattle Grace for treatment, she didn't need any more of her personal life to enter the hospital grapevine than was necessary, and she was glad she'd found an old Med School friend to treat her. But Addison was still afraid to go inside.

If she walked into the building for her first prenatal appointment there would be no turning back. She would step in there, alone, and officially become a mother. Not that she wasn't one now, but she'd seen the look of first realization on too many mother's not to know that the reality of it all would dawn on her when the fetal heart tones filled the room. And Addison wasn't sure she was ready.

She sighed; there was no choice. Not going in would be admitting defeat, and Addison Shepherd didn't lose. Addison wasn't afraid of anything. She was strong and could take anything life threw in her direction. Or at least that was what she had always believed until now, when fear and doubt were closing in on her.

But she wouldn't allow herself to dwell on that. She had to be strong. It would be impossible to survive if she worried about Derek's absence. It would have been impossible to survive if she continually questioned his commitment to her. No person was strong enough to handle everything she had been dealt. Knowing this, she pushed her troubling thoughts away and stepped up to the receptionist's desk.

"I'm Addison Montgomery-Shepherd; I have an appointment with Dr. Daniels," Addison told the younger woman, feeling slightly awkward at being in a doctor's office where she wasn't known for the first time in years.

"Please take a seat over there, Ms. Montgomery-Shepherd," The woman motioned to the chairs filled with expectant mothers at all stages, "We'll be with you in a moment."

Addison nodded and nonchalantly took a seat between a woman who, by the looks of it, must have been in her final trimester and definitely carrying twins and a woman only a few months along. Her trained doctor's eye examined those in the room instinctively, and she momentarily forgot she was there as a patient.

She was grateful for the distraction and didn't remember her problems until a nurse in bright scrubs called her name. Addison stood slowly and followed the woman back to an exam room. She managed to resist the urge to roll her eyes as the nurse explained what would happen on this first appointment and exactly what Addison would need to tell the doctor when she came in.

"Thank you," Addison took the gown from the nurse and waited for her to leave.

Addison changed into the gown and pulled the blanket over her lap as she sat in the stirrups in the middle of the room. Her mind slowly made its way back to her disturbing predicament. She was just beginning to feel as if she were drowning in a pool of confusion when a knock at the door announced the doctor's arrival.

Julia Daniels was a well-respected OB/GYN whom had attended Medical School at Columbia with Derek and Addison. She had been Addison's friend through most of their rigorous training program and had been a bride's maid when the Shepherds had married. Their friendship had been relegated to the occasional phone call and exchanged Christmas cards when Julia had left New York to do her internship in Texas. But now, Addison was glad Julia had found herself in Seattle, it was comforting to have someone she could trust as her doctor.

"Addie Shepherd? That can't seriously be you!" Julia's face was plastered with a broad grin as she kicked the door shut and walked to hug her old friend.

"Hey, Julia," Addison appreciatively embraced Julia, glad to have some feeling of affection from anyone.

"Okay," Julia looked down at the chart in her hands, "Addie Shepherd is pregnant and she picked me as her doctor? I'm honored."

"Hey, I can't be my own doctor," Addison teased.

Julia sank onto her examination stool and slid around the room, all business. As she pulled on her examination gloves, she wondered "So where's the other Dr. Shepherd? Off saving lives, I suppose."

Addison sighed, resting her head back against the pillow. She bit down on her bottom lip and turned her eyes away from Julia. This would be a question she knew she would face many times during her pregnancy, but that didn't make it any easier. She sighed and answered honestly, "Derek is very busy."

Though she noticed Addison's avoidance, Julia didn't comment. It had been years since she and Addison had truly spoken, and she didn't feel it was her place. After a moment of observation, she turned to business and began her examination of Addison.

As Julia moved around in a pattern that was second nature to Addison, Addison began to look forward. Beyond just the struggles she would face in the next few days and weeks, especially with Derek. For the next seven months, she would be carrying a child. People would ask her daily about Derek and his feelings, and she would be without an answer.

She closed her eyes to block the tears that were threatening to form. Was she honestly strong enough to handle all of this on her own? There were about million obstacles to face before she would even have the child, and there were just as many more after. How could anyone manage it without a supportive husband by her side?

"Addie?" Julia's voice broke Addison's reverie.

"Hmm?" Addison looked toward her friend.

"I was just going to warn you that the gel is going to be cold," She held the ultrasound gel bottle over Addison's stomach and squeezed it on there.

Addison waited, with bated breath, for the familiar sound to fill the room. She exhaled heavily when it finally did. The fetal heart tone was nothing new to Addison; it was her job to listen to it nearly every day. But knowing that it was coming from her made it entirely different. It was suddenly much more real.

All she could manage was to whisper, "Wow."


The thought of returning to the hospital directly after her appointment was too much for Addison. That was why she had taken an extra hour afterwards to walk around the downtown Seattle area collecting her thoughts. An hour wasn't nearly long enough for her to come to any conclusion about her struggles, but it was all the time she could take out of her day.

And now she was back at the hospital signing off on a few charts before it was time to scrub in for surgery. She knew that most women in her situation would have needed time off. Most women would have taken time alone to cry and determine their next plan of action. Work would have been the last thing on their mind.

That wasn't the case for Addison. Though it took some effort to gain enough composure to make it to work, Addison needed to be there. Work was her escape. Nothing could take her mind off of her troubles like emergency C-sections and trips to the NICU. She was the best in her field for that very reason. Work was her haven, the one place where she always knew she belonged. It was one of the places that made her happiest.

Of course, her love of work combined with Derek's never ending dedication had been exactly what had brought them to this hopeless point in their marriage. But that didn't seem to make a difference. She sought out the comfort of holding the scalpel in her hand. She needed the rush of adrenaline when a life was truly on the line. And she truly desired the feeling that warmed her when she passed a healthy newborn to its proud mother.

Those amazing feelings were exactly what Addison was expecting as she made her way to the scrub room. She leaned against the sink and looked at the cap she was holding in her hand. Addison twisted her long locks in the manner of someone who had done it hundreds of times before and slipped her scrub cap over the hair.

"Need some help?" Derek's voice came from the doorway that separated the scrub room from OR 1.

Addison was faced away from him, and she had to take a few breaths to remind herself of her vow. She would not show him her pain. She would not show him just how much she needed him. She would turn the tables. It was her chance to be indifferent.

"I can manage," Addison tugged at the strings dangling down her back and lifted them to tie.

"Seriously, Addie," Derek said softly and stretched his arms out to grab the ends of the string.

Addison pulled away and tied the cap quickly, "I've got it."

She reached for the sink, beginning the required steps for sanitizing and cleaning her hands for surgery. If she was lucky, Derek would take her hint and walk away. But she had to bite her lip to keep from reacting when he stood motionless just a few feet away from her.

"Addie?" Derek's voice seemed almost lost.

Addison kept her eyes locked on her fingers as she scrubbed at them intently, "Yes?"

The silence between them was almost deafening. She wasn't sure if Derek had lost the courage to speak or if he truly didn't want to, but she did know Derek wasn't speaking. And his silence was terrifying. It was forcing Addison to draw her own conclusions about what every little detail meant.

Finally, Derek saved Addison from her thoughts and spoke slowly, "Is there something going on? Something I need to know about? You seem different."

Addison felt her breath catch in her throat. Of course she knew Derek wasn't dense and he would catch on to what she was doing rather quickly, but she hadn't expected him to broach the topic so soon. Derek seemed to have joined her in his passive-aggressiveness lately.

But he did ask. He did know. And now Addison had to answer. Or at least do something. She shook her hands to remove the excess water from them and stepped away from the sink. Her eyes locked with his as she backed to the door, ready to enter the OR.

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about Derek," She lifted her shoulders in a shrug and ducked into the OR.

When she stepped into the OR a scrub nurse immediately approached her with a mask and gloves. As Addison waited for the woman to glove her and pull the mask over her mouth, she wondered about Derek. Was he honestly trying to care? Was he honestly concerned about Addison? About the baby?

No, she determined. Derek wasn't one to just turn around his feelings. He was too stubborn to just change overnight. Nothing with him came easily; it required months and months of work. Addison knew all of this, and yet she couldn't push away the tiny ray of hope that one question had brought her.

She stepped up to the table gloved, masked and ready to perform surgery. There was no more time to worry about Derek. The woman on the table in front of her deserved all of her attention. With only a moment of concentration, Addison made the transformation from Derek's struggling wife to the no-nonsense Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd and leaned over the table prepared to work.