Author's rants

Sorry for the long wait people. I hope the side story about Cypher was satisfying enough. I'm going to experiment if I can write a happy story for once. So far my chapters are filled with signs and portents of the coming darkness. Let's just see if I can write something that's, well, wacky Ranma humor.

Chapter 5: Sino-Japanese War

For the first time in two years, Kasumi sang as she made breakfast. Last night was easily the best night in her life since her mother died. She sang when she woke up. She sang as she took a bath. And she sang as she made a better than usual breakfast for her family, which at the moment, still included Genma. Akane was still doing her morning jog as she made breakfast and she knew would arrive in time to see the breakfast spread.

Soun as usual, had woken up at his usual time of 8am, did some light exercises in the dojo then sat in his usual seat smoking and reading the newspaper. As usual, he was oblivious to his surroundings, even his daughter's merrier than normal attitude. Yesterday had all been a bad dream, he had decided. He dreamt that Ranma had came back and stolen all of his three daughters from him. But it was clearly a nightmare because his dear daughters were still at home.

Nabiki trudged down the stairs groggily, as she always had a hard time getting up and always needed Kasumi's special coffee brew which somehow did NOT contain caffeine. Good old Kasumi, Nabiki thought to herself. She was still in her baggy pajamas which did not show a hint of her normally sexy figure as she sat at the table. Kasumi then came in bearing a large tray of food along with Akane, who had just came back from jogging, holding another tray. Nabiki became wide awake as she saw Kasum's spread. True that Kasumi NEVER cooked anything that tasted less than delicious but what Nabiki saw was better than usual. This morning it was an English breakfast with 5 thick sausages, scrambled eggs, bull's eye eggs, a whole loaf of white bread that had been meticulously sliced, two jars of jam, one of marmalade and strawberry and strips of crisp bacon. And to top it all off, a jug of chocolate milk.

Kasumi smiled serenely. "Breakfast is served," and the rest of the Tendo household ate with a great relish. Kasumi had even cooked a little extra to prevent Genma from overeating his portion and taking others. Her good mood even extended to Genma because whatever his failings, he had managed to produce a son greater than any other she knew.

The three sisters had the tact of not talking about Ranma or any of his companions that breakfast. All three enjoyed the moment of peace and would rather be out of the house before the chaos hit the fan. It was a lovely morning and despite Akane's misgivings about peaceful days, the three sisters were determined to enjoy it.

Flashback

During the dinner, Kasumi made a most unusual suggestion: that they take a day trip somewhere to enjoy themselves and get to know each other better.

"But Ne Chan, I hate to be the kill joy but aren't our entrance exams coming soon?" Akane said, she was still somewhat troubled as she was a two year ronin already.

"Akane-chan, I'm sure you're doing your best, and I must say, we've all been studying too hard. I sure could need one. And the rest of you need to see Japan!" she said excitedly.

"Your history doesn't concern me much. Besides, we've got better things to do rather than..." Hitsugaya started.

"BEACH! BEACH! BEACH!" Jaina shrieked to everyone's surprise. "Oh by the stars, I haven't felt sand on my feet for 10 years! Oh please say you're taking us to the beach."

It wasn't just the Tendos, even the stoic and super serious Captain Hitsugaya Toshirou, Tactical Genius and Army Siege Specialist, had his mouth open at the sight before them. Although Jaina, like Ranma was not touched by the toll of decades of warefare on their shoulders, the reaction that Jaina was showing was positively: girly.

"The beach it is then," Kasumi said as the other captains nodded, not quite knowing how to react.

End Flashback

This good mood and atmosphere would last 3 days until Saturday finally came. It was the most peaceful and happy week the Tendo girls and even Ukyo had in a long time. Little did they know it would be a long time before they get peaceful days again soon.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If anyone from their native universes saw what the four captains were doing in the Nerima mall the next day, they would have all either died of shock or simply gone insane.

The four banes of the Yuuzhan Vong, heroes of the Galactic Alliance and saviours of thousands of worlds, were shopping for swimming attire.

It was in this state that 2nd Jedi Captain Hyugga Neji, found his fellow captains: in various states of undress. The dour Captain, who almost had no humour thought the world had gone mad as Cypher begged a nearby store to cut their Camel Cargo Pants into something that would resemble a pair of swimming shorts but the manager stubbornly refused to cut his expensive merchandise to pieces.

"What. …… the…….. hell……. is……. going……. On?" he said loudly.

Hitsugaya Toshirou, now dressed in Hawaii shirts, Bermuda shorts and a straw hat shrugged. "Did you know that Jaina loves the beach?"

Neji's eyes widened. "No, she never mentioned it."

"Amazing the things you learn about your comrades even in times of peace," the stoic white haired captain said. "Speaking of which, go get one yourself. You can't go about the beach in those robes."

Author's note

Neji is the only one wearing a captain's attire exactly like Bleach style, meaning a black kimono inside with a white hakama (coat) on the outside.

End author's note

Neji snorted. "I don't feel the need to sun bathe very much thank you."

"Then roast in that coat for all we care. I foretell that today is going to be very hot, especially when we're all heading for Okinawa."

"And how are we getting to Okinawa? None of you can teleport….." Neji suddenly found himself surrounded by 3 other captains. "Big brother Neji is going to be ever so sweet and teleport us and the Tendo sisters aren't you?" Jaina said in her bikini while cracking her knuckles. A gesture repeated by Ranma and Cypher.

Neji rolled his eyes. "Great way of asking people. I haven't even had the honour of meeting the Tendo girls, two of which have snared the hearts of two of our number."

"You will. Now hurry up and get some new clothes, even in Japanese clothes, you stick out," Cypher said.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

At 11am, the Tendos, Ukyo and Captains had assembled at the Furinkan High teacher's lounge again. The three girls politely greeted Neji, who even when dressed in a shirt and jeans, managed to look formal. "Well ladies, if you ever doubted our magic powers, you're about to get a first hand account for it."

The eight of them gathered in a circle while Neji stood in the circle. He took out a cylinder which, when he shook it, straightened out to be 5 feet and he pierced the sharper end into the ground. The other hand looked like it had a tiny claw at the end, to which Nej put a blue gem the size of a goose egg into it. The blue gem glowed as Neji started moving his hands, performing intricate hand seals (Author's note: Naruto style) and then muttered an incantation that only the Captains understood. The next thing they knew was that their surroundings started shimmer and they found themselves from the teacher's lounge, to a small hill that overlooked the beach.

"Wow….," said the three Tendo sisters and Ukyo who were just beginning to understand that a few seconds ago, they had been in Nerima and now they were in Okinawa, several hundred miles away.

"Then without any further ado, let's hit the beach!" Jaina, who was dressed in a flowery tank top and shorts ran with inhuman speed towards the beach. Quickly, each girl grabbed on to a Captain, who ran to match Jaina's speed. The diminutive Hitsugaya was carrying Nabiki, Kasumi was latched unto Neji, Ukyo was hanging from Cypher's broad back and of course, Ranma swept Akane in his arms as they ran to Jaina.

Like days in the summer, the beaches of Okinawa were packed though not to the brink of overcrowding. The Taichous and girls managed to find a nice spot for themselves and promptly stripped to show their latest wares. Neji refused to let go off his clothes though. Jaina sported a simple dark green one piece swimsuit as did Akane whose one was sunflower yellow. Ukyo and Nabiki both wore skimpy bikinis that barely covered their pussies and nipples and this even made the stoic Hitsugaya and battle hardened Cypher raise their eyebrows. Both were fairly conservative men and their outfits were to say the least, outrageous. Still, neither could deny they were attractive.

Author's note

I think some of you might remember a Ranma beach episode where the whole family got crashed by the other fiancées, a gigantic cat, and a strange crossdresser that hopped around in a post box. What they wore is similar here.

End Author's note

But somehow, nobody could compare to Kasumi's elegant but simple figure. Even Neji, who was by far the oldest and had seen many of the greatest beauties in the universe, alien or human, considered Kasumi a work of art. She wore a simple green bikini, not so thin as to show her ass and most of her breasts, in fact as bikinis go, hers were fairly conservative. It did not have a strand to tie behind her neck though. If Neji had to give his professional opinion, the reason was simply Kasumi wasn't trying to be beautiful, and so the beauty just came naturally to her.

Though nobody could see it, Neji smiled in his mind's eye. I really pity you not being here today my Lord. This would have been a sight to turn any Sith Lord into the light, he thought to himself.

Even Jaina was surprised at how stunning Kasumi looked. Fortunately she was never one for looks so did not envy Kasumi in the slightest.

And it wasn't just the Taichous that were captivated as Kasumi took her sister's arms and headed towards the water. Practically every male from age 3 to 91 was watching Kasumi and only Kasumi as the girls headed into the water. And to Hitsugaya's alarm, his telepathic mind began to read a whole lot of thoughts directed at Kasumi, and not all of them were innocent, in fact, some warranted investigation and perhaps a little torture to prevent anything from happening.

Cypher sighed, dressed in an oversize shorts which were in fact cargo pants that he salvaged from a garbage can behind the store and a Hawaiian shirt that was too small so he had to leave it open. "Now that is a woman who would have been worthy of our Lord, and my Emperor."

"Indeed. But when Lord Wong first met Kasumi, he said that she was no more than 9 years old. He couldn't have told that she would become a beauty. Our Lord is many things but pre-cognition isn't his greatest skill," Neji said.

Ranma said, "Which goes to say, you never know what's going to happen, no matter how well you read the future. Remember what Andy told us that Master Yoda always said? Always in motion is the future, difficult to see. I hope Andy joins us soon. Somehow I don't feel right enjoying ourselves when he is doing all the work."

"Then lets not waste his efforts to let us have fun," Jaina said as she speedily blew up a beach ball. With lightning speed, she sped to a range of 40 yards and aimed at Cypher. It hit Cypher square in the face which caused the other Captains to laugh and then started a game of "Monkey Catch" with Cypher in the middle.

They took the game in the water, where it was more difficult to move, well not for the Captains but they were limiting their powers to the point of being normal that day. Poor Hitsugaya then found for the first time, just how limiting his height had made him as he frantically dashed here and there for the ball which kept evading him as everyone passed it to each other when he became the monkey. They were playing in water at waist height, which meant they could still jump but to Hitsugaya, the water was neck deep. It took quite a bit of control to stop himself from swearing as Cypher, who was the tallest of the bunch just held the ball in his hand, while Hitsugaya frantically tried to jump from the water but he just didn't have enough leverage without using chi or the Force. In the end, he only got it because after one hour of him being the monkey, everyone was laughing so hard that they forgot about the ball as it flew towards the air. Then Nabiki declared it was time for a picnic before Hitsugaya could say that it was Nabiki's turn to be monkey. The group left Hitsugaya who almost popped a few veins as he held the beachball as a float, as he had finally floated away to a point where his feet could no longer reach the ground.

Trust Kasumi to pack a delicious luncheon. It was enough to even Ranma. For Ranma, it was truly like returning home after a hard day's work but Captains like Hitsugaya and Cypher had been at war for their entire lives and as such, had never known home cooked food. It was a marvelous spread of ham and lettuce sandwiches, hard boiled eggs, cold chicken salad, a few inari rice dumplings, and for some reason, plenty of Pocky Candy. But what caught Ranma's eye was a small bento that came in the basket. And for a moment, his heart feared the worst as Akane took it and presented it to him. Cypher, Hitsugaya, Neji and Cypher wondered why Ranma looked so tense all of a sudden.

"Umm, Ranma what's up with you?" Cypher asked puzzled.

"Anou, Ranma, I made something for you this morning," Akane said, confirming his fears.

"Gee, uh, Akane……" Ranma stuttered.

Kasumi who was behind Akane winked at Ranma, making him suspicious. Of all the things he learnt about the Force, reading minds was not one of them though.

Akane's eyes narrowed. "Try it at least Ranma? I promise to take your critics seriously. AFTER I pummel you of course."

And so Ranma's fate was sealed, or so he thought. He tentatively opened the bento and to his horror, it wasn't curry rice, the one thing Akane knew how to cook well. It was just simple fried rice with peas, carrots, corn, anchovies and prawns. Well, at least it ain't moving, he thought. He looked fearfully at Akane and again, caught Kasumi's wink, wondering what that was. Slowly, he poked his spoon and scooped up some rice while Nabiki and Ukyo held their breath. Hitsugaya, Neji, Cypher and Jaina looked at each other.

'What is it with this heavy atmosphere?' all four captains thought.

Ever so slowly he brought the spoon in his mouth and to the four captains, it was like the trip through hyperspace just before the Final Battle of Corruscant, when everyone was so tensed up for the coming battle. He brought the food in his mouth and Ukyo just closed her eyes while Nabiki's ice-queen expression broke to one of sympathy.

Then Ranma chewed. And chewed. And he chewed some more, ever so slowly. Ukyo opened her eyes and was shocked to see Ranma chewing with such a serious face. Actually, she was surprised that Ranma was still alive at that point.

And then, to the two girls utter amazement, he swallowed it.

Only then did he look at everyone else.

"Itadakimasu," he said nonchalantly.

And then he used the spoon to practically wolf down the fried rice.

All the girls except Kasumi and Jaina thought they had just witnessed the second coming of Jesus.

"He likes my cooking," Akane said, trying to convince herself of the magnitude of her actions.

And then, while Ranma was wolfing down the rice, he found himself in an Amazon's Death Glomp. Only it wasn't Shampoo who was giving the glomp, it was Akane. The girl was crying tears of joy while Ranma laughed, finally discarding his serious expression to enjoy the food and also the glomp of his tempermental fiancée.

"Baka, were you really asking for my mallet with that act?" she asked.

"Bah, no women can resist the Saotome charm you know. No matter how much I insulted you, you would have fallen in love with me in the end," he boasted.

"Oh right, and see where that charm has gotten you know. Four fiancées and a mad swordsman after your girl half."

All of a sudden, Nabiki froze. She looked at Ranma and suddenly realized something.

"Ranma, you, you, you….. YOU DIDN'T CHANGE!!!"

And so he didn't. Somehow the two years he had been away, everyone forgot that he was suppose to change when doused with cold water into a girl. But when they were bathing in the sea, Ranma hadn't changed.

This time, Kasumi really did look surprised as it didn't occur to her, nor did it occur to Ukyo as well.

"You're cured! Oh congratulations Ranma!" Ukyo, Kasumi and Akane were now showering Ranma with praises.

"Uh, not exactly girls. I'm still cursed but I can control it now, like when I was in the water, I was really devoting 10 of my concentration to keep myself from changing."

"Well, it'll certainly help keep Kuno of your back," Nabiki said.

Ranma smiled then stood up, took up a bottle of cold water and poured it over his body. "Ah, its so good to feel cold water in a guy's body again," he said as the water ran down his well toned and muscled body. Akane sighed as she looked at her fiancée, who was no doubt, one of the finest specimens of men yet. The whole water running down the body had the intended effect and most of the surrounding girls swooned at the sight of Ranma's wet body, including a certain Amazon warrior women, her elder and a half-blind man.

Ranma turned completely white when he realized what he saw. The Tendos and Ukyo also paled as they saw what Ranma saw. The four captains followed their gaze and saw a voluptuous Chinese woman with purple hair in a purple bikini that might as well have been made out of string. The Chinese woman was filled with crazed lust and her aura practically screamed SEX at Ranma.

"Airen?"

"Shh hhh shhhh shhh Shampoo?"

"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

"GYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ranma Saotome, 4th Jedi Captain of the 4th division, specializing in healing and battle support, also considered the 3rd most powerful captain, ran for his life with a crazed bimbo hot on his heals. And somehow, the bimbo was matching his speed, which was already nearly at "Shunpo" or Flash Stepping speed. This was no ordinary feat and caused the four captains to look at Shampoo. Their chase caused a complete ruckus over the beach as they plowed down umbrellas, beach towels, ran over women sunbathing over the sand which promptly added their boyfriends into chasing Ranma, and God knows how many people Ranma and Shampoo managed to annoy in their chase.

The four captains then, saw first hand the chaos caused by Ranma's fiancée problems. They saw the boy with glasses also join in the chase, screaming for Ranma's death. The old woman whom Jaina recognized as Cologne hopped over to Jaina.

"So my instincts were right. You were up to something when you came to my restaurant," the old fossil spoke.

Jaina instantly became serious. "For the sake of my comrade and friend Ranma, I wanted to give him the peace that has been denied from him for so long. All I did was give him time to meet his friends peacefully."

"And even that was interrupted by the one known as Hibiki Ryoga," Cypher said.

"You've met him? I was worried about his erratic chi the last time I saw him but that was months ago. That fool Genma had been teaching him to use the Shi Shi Hokodan wrongly and by the time I found out, Ryoga was lost again."

"Your analysis is correct. My my, so you are the great and formidable Amazon elder that Ranma speaks so highly off," remarked Hitsugaya.

Cologne looked surprised. Ranma praising her?

The four captains stood up and introduced themselves to Cologne. By that time, Cologne had already guessed that the chi shockwave had been from these 4, maybe more individuals. And perhaps Ranma as well. Her blood ran cold as she begun to think how much more Ranma had improved over the years.

Meanwhile, Ranma was now running so fast that he was practically running on water, with Shampoo hot on his trail. "Airen come to me! Airen come to me!" she shrieked.

"Damnit Shampoo, I'll admit I'm glad to see you but I am not your Airen!" Ranma yelled.

"If you not Airen, why defeat Shampoo? Why not say not love Shampoo? You not say don't love, means love to Shampoo then. Logic?"

Ranma had to admit, it was. He had been stringing his fiancées for too long. And now it had to end.

He stopped dead in his tracks, right in front of their picnic spot. As Shampoo jumped to give him a glomp, he grappled her and wrestled her into a kneeling position. Then he pushed her away from him.

Shampoo was thoroughly confused. Why did her Airen push her away?

Then to everyone's shock, including the crowd that had been chasing them earlier, Ranma got on his knees and kowtowed to Shampoo.

"I'm sorry Shampoo. I'm sorry you have to hear it now but I guess, I've been putting it off for far too long now. I don't love you Shampoo. I love Akane. And moreover, I don't want to be an Amazon. Not now, not ever," he finished.

Shampoo looked at Ranma in a mixture of shock, anger and depression as her mind slowly absorbed Ranma's words. Ranma saw murderous rage go over her for awhile as she extracted a bonbouri out of nowhere.

"Do as you will Shampoo. I deserve it," he said before the Tendos and Ukyo could grasp his meaning. Everyone except the captains and Nabiki shouted when Shampoo brought up the bonbouri and swing it. But just as it reached his face, the hand stopped. Shampoo collapsed on the ground shaking with grief and fear.

Cologne hopped over to Shampoo and tried to console her. She looked at Ranma sadly. "Boy, you have no idea what you have done. From now on, the Amazons are your enemies."

Ranma bowed his head. "You may consider me your enemy but I don't. And deep in your heart, you don't too. Rest assured that now I'm back, I'll devote my time to finding an honourable exit out of this engagement."

Cologne nodded. "Its nice to see you again Ranma. Good to have you back."

"The feeling's mutual Elder."

Jaina moved over to Shampoo. "C'mon girl, let's get you cleaned up," she said soothingly to Shampoo. Jaina took out some serviettes to dab Shampoo's eyes.

"By the way, where are you all staying?" Cologne asked.

"Hotel Okinawa," Nabiki answered.

"What a coincidence, we're there too. Perhaps its our turn to have a long talk with Ranma since you all have already had 4 days to talk."

Ranma bowed his head. "I would be honoured, Elder Cologne.

To be continued.

Not quite as long as I would like it to be, but I'm getting tired and I want to submit this before I sleep. I hope my attempt at humour was good enough but I think I'll focus on the serious side from now on. Darkness is coming, and Happosai may not be the only dark force to contend with. For the True Dark Angels will stop at nothing to capture the Fallen and will Ukyo pay the price of friendship with the foremost of the Fallen? Or will the entire planet Earth in Ranma universe pay the price for being touched by the Fallen? Signs and portents to come.

Until then, goodnight.