'I'm falling even more in love with you,

Letting go of all I've held on to.

I'm standing here until you making me move,

Just hanging by a moment here with you…'

-- Lifehouse 'Hanging by a moment'

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy: Chapter 7Respectable Surveillance

'The one condition, on which everything relied, was simple enough: through all that was to be attempted, whether successful or a complete disaster, it was agreed on that the others must never know.'

'Happy Birthday to me.'

Upon lifting the tent door, the spell of silence that protected the room instantly shattered and revealed the booming voice of an angry Lulu, screaming at the poor receptionist while pointing towards the door.

"What do you mean you can't open it! What kind of disorganized idiot only has one key! I'm talking to Rin the moment I…YOU!" she screamed upon noticing Tidus cautiously emerging from the tent, stalking over to him, her red eyes blazing with fury. "Where the hell have you been! And what in Spira prompted you to spent 1,500 gil on firework.."

"SHHH!" Tidus insisted, cocking his head backwards gesturing to Yuna, who had followed him out and was now waiting patiently by the threshold. "It's supposed to be a surprise!" He smiled and winked at Lulu, who couldn't help but relax as she returned a reluctant grin and an understanding nod.

Tidus, having somehow mastered the art of hiding his emotions, had instantly turned into his cheerful cocky self once exiting the tent, while Yuna was still feeling grim and heavy with the emotional load of their silent conversation. She couldn't have smiled then even if someone was holding a gun to her head, demanding 'grin or die!'

It had been three minutes since they left the dinner table. Three stupid minutes and Lulu was already threatening immediate death upon the receptionist for what may or may not have happened in those precious 240 seconds of absence from her sight. Her guardians' iron cast grip on her every move was now officially far past annoying…it was downright suffocating.

"I still hafta set things up though…" Tidus said, upon noticing Lulu about to open her mouth. "Yuna here was being especially curious and tried to convince me to reveal my plans and I have been successfully heightening her anticipation until you blurted it out Lulu. You ruined the birthday fun!"

The black mage rolled her eyes, but still managed to look a bit ashamed at spoiling the surprise as she averted her gaze and cleared her throat.

"Fine Fine. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have…"

"Apology accepted!" Tidus interrupted once again, giving her a firm pat on the shoulder in friendly forgiveness. "So I'm going to get things ready" he then turned to Yuna, not meeting her eyes, simply putting on a show of platonic companionship for Lulu's sake. "Don't you dare peek! I'll come get you in an hour tops. See ya!" and with that, he jogged off leaving the two women alone.

Tidus had skillfully succeeded in thwarting Lulu's intentions of demanding an in depth analysis of what exactly had happened while they were alone in the tent. And for that Yuna was grateful seeing as, until her stomach untied itself from knots, she would be on the brink of blurting out the whole truth should she be coaxed - if only to ease the terrible gut-wrenching pain she felt every time she lied.

But she had to lie…if only for a little while longer. Then it would be too late for them to do anything about it.

More than fearing her guardians' discomfort and disapproval, she also knew very well that upon hearing her confession they would do everything in their power to stop her. She was, after all, in the midst of removing bricks from the pillar of strength she had worked so hard to build. And certainly, any day now, the more and more in love she fell, the more unstable her foundations became…until she was very well near crumbling into complete oblivion.

She knew it was stupid already and didn't need the 5 of them ganging up on her to tell her so…Because they didn't understand…no one could ever understand…Logic had nothing to do with after all.

'Whether two months or twenty years…I want to be with you…I need to be with you.'

She remembered the speech he had made after slipping the ring on her finger. And though she had been relatively sure he had lost his mind in that moment, she now understood exactly how he felt. When it came to loving Tidus, there was simply no choice. The only say she had in the matter was how to handle her need; either by openly confessing and insisting that everyone deal with it…or with dignity and respect for her party. Not that there was any dignity in their sneaking around…

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened that night?" Lulu asked abruptly, having long since become uncomfortable in the silence of Yuna's thoughts.

Yuna bent her head down and gave a sarcastic chuckle at the idiocy of the question.

'Where to begin…' she thought, while trying to gauge how Lulu would react to each and every scene she could honestly describe, starting with what happened in Macalania and ending with what happened in the tent...

But the night she was specifically referring to…the most sacred encounter of all…

'That night in the woods…I gave away my soul.'

There so many things she wanted to say about that night, if only for some constructive advice on how to handle the situation. How she and Tidus had argued, how she fainted under to stress of the heated debate, realizing she loved him, how they had tried to 'do it', her punching him (Lulu would surely get a kick out of that) and finally the proposal…Her heart was bursting to share to news with someone, anyone! Lulu however, was on the bottom of the list of people who would take it well. So instead she re-affirmed the lie she had been forced to repeat oh so many painful times this past week…

"I swear to you nothing happened," she insisted with a sigh at having to tell the same story over and over again. "I fainted. He took care of me. That was all it was. That was all it will ever be no matter how many times you ask."

"Really?..." Still, Lulu seemed dubious, causing Yuna to rub her temples in frustration.

Why couldn't anyone just believe her and let it go?

"What is it you want to hear Lulu? That we faked the whole emergency in order to be alone? That we formed a cult that sacrifices young children? That he confessed to me that he has a secret crush on Wakka? That he tried to rape me on the forest floor? What? What horrible confession will make you stop harassing me with your damn paranoia!"

If Lulu was taken aback by her outburst, she made no sign of it except for blinking and raising an incredulous eyebrow. She then slowly crossed her arms over her chest while taking a step toward Yuna, daring to look deep into her eyes, scanning for any trace of a lie.

"But you like him," she announced blandly, smirking at the stunned look on her face. "I saw it the moment you two first met. Sitting at the campfire, you couldn't keep your eyes off him, remember?"

"…No." It was true enough…she hadn't any idea of the feelings she had been experiencing upon their first meeting. It had still been so vague and confusing then. She could only remember feeling…curious.

"Well, I knew that look." Lulu teased, tossing her long braids behind her shoulder with a smirk. "It somewhat resembles how a young Queen Coeurl would eye a bloody steak. It was the look I used to give Chappu before…" she trailed off, shaking her head to clear it of the gruesome memories "before he…"

…but she couldn't say it for some reason. Affirming Chappu's death was just one of those few weak points in Lulu's otherwise brick solid logical reserve.

That day in Kilika on the temple steps, she had been so harsh to point out to Wakka that his brother wasn't coming back and that nobody could replace him. Yuna remembered Tidus commenting later on how heartless Lulu was, but she knew better. After spending the entire afternoon fighting side by side with the Chappu look-a-like, using the brotherhood sword, some nerve must have snapped …That was supposed to be his sword after all. Since then she had never quite been able to warm up to Tidus.

Was that why…she didn't trust him?

"Geez, you'd think after 5 years I'd be okay with saying it..." Lulu hastily wiped at her eyes, turning away from her in embarrassment at having cried twice in one night. And Yuna instantly felt ashamed for snapping at her.

Even though Lulu had had the chance to live the summoner's dream of falling in love over years, announcing an engagement to the villagers and had taken part in the following celebration and planning which Yuna herself had been involved in as a excitable pre-teen and maid of honor…it had all been cut short by Sin ripping Chappu from this world all too early. This only reminded her again of how badly she needed to reach the end of this pilgrimage, and finally bring the Calm to Spira. Perhaps then, Lulu may have the chance to find someone else…

"The point is" the guardian continued, taking one long sniff to absorb all traces of her little breakdown "I was worried. For both of you. He had obviously no idea what was going to happen and I couldn't bring myself to tell him, though I tried many times. He's a very…persistent young man is he not?"

'You have no idea.'

Yuna choose to say nothing.

"Anyway, I just think…no wait…I know that anything between you two is a bad idea. You can't get involved with anyone, especially if you're serious about the Final Summoning, as I know you are. It's just too complicated."

'I know this Lulu…I've spent countless hours thinking about it, debating it, balancing pros and cons, everything!…and yet, still I couldn't help it.'

After a few moment of silence, Yuna decided that there was no longer any point in lying. One thing was for sure, she couldn't go on living like this for another week.

Something had to change.

"You're right Lulu." She said softly. "I did like him…I…I do like him." With a sheepish smile, she ducked back into her tent, letting Lulu follow her. Embarrassing as this conversation was, the whole Inn need not hear her tales of woe.

"And so…" Lulu urged, after securing the flap of the door behind her. "Something did happen in the forest then?"

One could almost hear the "I knew it!" teetering on the tip of her tongue. But Yuna only shook her head slowly, blushing in what Lulu interpreted as unease. "I only live for my pilgrimage. Had we been normal teenagers, perhaps we may have gotten together. Perhaps we may have been very happy. But we'll never know now will we?" she fiddled anxiously with the fur of the bedspread, listening to the jiggling of Lulu's belts as she crossed the room and sat down, patiently waiting to listen.

Talking about him with another woman, even without letting out the entire story…was kind of refreshing.

"I remember now…the campfire where we first spoke to each other. He kept looking at me, even as the entire blitzball team stood in front of him cheering for his attention. His eyes were so blue…I had never seen eyes that shade of blue. Like the sea just before dusk. I was entranced by them…He was just so beautiful."

"I suppose…" Lulu mumbled uncomfortably "if you're into that whole 'feminine' guy thing."

Yuna giggled and sat down on the bed, lost in a haze of memory. "Well he's changed since then. In subtle ways but I can always see him from that night we met and notice the differences. His hair's a bit longer, you see? And his skin is more tan, just a shade or two, from traveling I suppose. And he's gained some weight, muscle in his shoulders mainly, from the constant sword fighting…a whole year…" she turned her head towards the small mirror propped on the bedside table and examined her face, poking her cheeks here and there to try to find some sign of aging. She had just turned 18 after all…Perhaps becoming an adult forced some metamorphosis upon her body of which she was presently searching for. "I wonder if I've changed…"

"Oh you have." Lulu confirmed in an almost harsh manner, shifting uneasily in her chair. "You've become more stubborn, impulsive, disruptive…sometimes I wonder what happened to the daydreaming, charming, innocent little girl I left Besaid with all those months ago."

'I've become a woman since then Lulu.' Yuna explained in her head, her guardian's words spurring the familiar rage she had so long been trying to suppress. 'I don't need you anymore. I only need him…and that scares you. But I am not that little girl anymore and will never been again…I've seen too much.'

"I appreciate you Lulu. You've always been like a mother to me you know?" that was true enough, and for the rest of her days she'd try to remember that past Lulu who used to kiss her scraped knees better, and not the mistrustful, spiteful wretch she was now. "But please, not for one second, assume that I'm a child that needs to be constantly supervised from making dumb mistakes."

"I never said…"

"Tidus and I know nothing can ever happen. We've agreed to be friends, summoner and guardian, up until the end of the pilgrimage. And I'd like to spend the last of my days out enjoying the company of said friend instead of being under some twisted sort of house arrest."

"We didn't mean to…"

"So I admitted to being attracted to him? It doesn't mean anything! When have I ever given you reason not to trust me?"

Lulu scoffed. "Well, the Jyscal Sphere for one…"

"What? Do you think the moment I'm left alone with Tidus I'm going to jump him, realize that I don't want to continue my journey and run away? Leaving you, my family, alone on the road for some…some guy! Who do you think I am? Who do you think you are!"

"Yuna! PLEASE calm down!" Lulu was on her feet now, holding Yuna by the shoulders as she began breathing heavily, her head spinning in that horribly familiar way…

"NO. No I won't just calm down! I can't live like this anymore!"She violently tore her guardian's hands off her, considering the warm gesture to be just another form of strangulation. "I'm 18 and I didn't even realize! I…I can't even go to the bathroom without someone watching me every…bloody…second! I'm going to die Lulu! And…and I haven't done ANYTHING with my life. I never went to school or, or played a musical instrument!"

"Yuna, what does that have to do with…"

"Maybe I could have been a great tuba player! But we'll never know now will we? And I've never been on a date…had a boyfriend. Nothing...I may as well have not existed…"

She began circling the small room, seething and breathing heavily, pacing like a caged animal. She was thinking too much…rule one of her summoner's training: never think about the life you could have had. It could only lead to bad things…

Like ranting…

Exhibit A:

"I…I wanted to get married!" She burst out in a strangled sob. "I wanted to sing…I wanted to be a mother…So many things I will never…ever!…" she was heaving now, her breaths coming out in strangled gasps and was only vaguely aware of Lulu's words of encouragement, which sounded far away…like she was underwater.

It was darker too…the room was spinning…breathing was becoming painful…It was all too familiar…

'Oh please Yevon no…not another attack…'

She felt her throat closing again as the temperature rose several degrees. Lulu's eyes widened as Yuna fell to her knees and began to gasp for air, immediately recognizing the symptoms, having helped her through them several times before.

"Yuna come…sit down. Breathe." Forcing her up by her shoulders, Lulu steered her onto the bed, taking her face within her hands while stroking her hair softly.

"Remember Besaid?" she asked calmly, pretending to be ignorant of the strangled gasping which filled the room. Yuna nodded, though it was becoming increasingly difficult to pay attention. After all, who had time to reminisce while ghastly images of a normal life kept clouding her brain?

"Good. Now remember the beach. We used to go fishing there right? You, me and Wakka. You caught a big one once. We had a big bonfire and fed the entire village…remember?"

Again Yuna nodded, the nausea intensifying with the movement. Lulu had been 16, she 9 and had only been in Besaid for a year after the death of her father…the few years of the Calm.

A perfect memory of peace and temporary bliss.

"Now think about that day." Lulu spoke dreamily, stroking Yuna's sweat soaked brow as if she were a sleeping child and not a suffocating teenager on the verge of a mental breakdown…again. "You were a beautiful little girl. You always laughed and played jokes on us. Scared the hell out of me by pretending to fall off the cliff on several occasions…I don't know why I kept falling for it."

Yuna managed to let out a strangled laugh which allowed the tension in her throat to ease. And then, out of the blue, Lulu began to sing…

"kaze ga yoseta kotoba ni
oyoida kokoro"

The song… 'Suteki Da Nei'. Her favorite when she was little…her mother used to sing it to her…

"Tsuki ga yureru kagami ni
furueta kokoro
hoshi ga nagare koboreta
yawarakai namida"

She couldn't help the feeling of tranquility that flared up in her heart as the words lulled her, soothing the panic and gradually easing the pain in her throat…and before she knew it, she was singing along as well, though with a terribly raspy voice.

"suteki da ne
futari te wo tori aruketa nara
ikitai yo
kimi no machi ie ude no naka

sono mune
karada azuke
yoi ni magire
yumemiru"

They finished the chorus together with a contented sigh, Yuna lying on her back with Lulu hovering over her, petting down her hair, all signs of the attack gone except for rapid breathing.

They remained in deafening silence for a few extra minutes, allowing the summoner to fully get her bearings. Soon her breathing had slowed, Lulu had gently dabbed all the sweat off her face with one of the room towels and for all intensive purposes, Yuna was back to normal without having to have lost consciousness. Just like old times… Lulu had saved her once more.

Lulu had always done what she thought was best after all…

Yuna didn't deserve a friend like her…

"I don't like myself this way" she said quietly, staring at the orange ceiling of the tent. Lulu did not cease the gently dabbing on her forehead with a cloth now soaked in cold water.

"To be honest?...I don't like you much this way either." She stood up then and strode over to the small desk in the corner where a pitcher and basin were posed, pouring out a glass of water and handing it to Yuna who gulped it down greedily. "You haven't had an incident like this since…"

"My training…I know." Yuna interrupted, trying to forget that night in the woods. She closed her eyes and let the cool liquid quench her burning throat while the cloth on her forehead eased a throbbing head ache. She knew she must look more than pathetic, and that visual made her feel more ashamed than anything else that had happened recently.

Another attack. Two in the span of a week. Over such trivial things in comparison to what was to happen in the last chamber of the fayth in Zanarkand.

What if…what if she wasn't strong enough to handle it?

"I don't want to die like this…" she confessed hesitantly, pushing the damp rag down to cover her eyes. "I don't want to end up a simpering mess on the floor because I can't handle the Final Summoning."

Lulu merely shrugged.

"Your father and his father before him brought the Calm to Spira" she stated, removing the rag from her eyes and continuing to dab at the sweat drops on her face methodically. "You will too. You are strong; it's in your blood. It's fact."

Yuna only rolled her eyes. How sick she was of people assuming she was her father…she got a sudden sense of how Tidus must have felt constantly living in Jetch's shadow as a champion Blitzball player.

"I'm not strong. I'm so weak, can't you see? I'm falling apart as we speak…I can't go on like this."

"Well, that's partially my fault." Lulu admitted with a grimace. "I'm just trying to protect you. But now I know that I've been trying a little too hard. If we continue…"

"If we continue?" Yuna sat up suddenly, staring at her guardian with an expression of mixed confusion and awe.

"Yes… 'if'" Lulu repeated with a small, awkward grin. "If you choose to continue…I promise to be more lenient. You are an adult after all. And…I trust you to do what you honestly believe is right. Even if that means turning back this very second, and going home to do all those things you mentioned. Play the tuba if you feel you must!"

They both laughed uncomfortably at this, not daring to meet each other's gaze. If Yuna quit, that would be the 3rd pilgrimage Lulu had failed and the 2nd summoner who had left her high and dry. Not only could she not do that to Lulu, she couldn't do it to herself.

"You know very well that I'm going to Zanarkand." She whispered hoarsely, her throat still burning. But she needed to get this out. "It won't be easy…and I will probably have several more episodes of insanity before the end. But that's why I need you." She met her eyes then, an honest smile on her face for the first time in days, which Lulu returned with equal intensity.

"I thought you'd say something like that…" she said, seating herself on the bed next to Yuna. "And seeing as such, I promise to ease the surveillance to a…respectable level."

Yuna raised an eyebrow. "What consists of a 'respectable' level?"

With a sigh, Lulu reached over to Yuna and cautiously removed a small black dot that was stuck to the edge of her obi, placing it in Yuna's palm with a look of pure mortification on her face.

"What…what is it?" she leaned in for a closer look, turning the thing over in her palm and noted the minuscule antennae poking out of a small square of what looked to be black plastic poked with air holes. For what little Yuna knew of technology, this could have been anything close to a chipped off piece from the airship…but judging from Lulu's expression of guilt and the topic of the conversation, the purpose of the piece was all too obvious.

She could do nothing more than stare in shock.

"Before you ask any questions, I want to say I'm sorry first of all. I didn't mean to pry but…"

"You didn't mean to pry?" Yuna repeated in disbelief, involuntarily crunching the fragment between her fingers, surely causing someone's, somewhere, ear drums to break. "You…you bugged me! You were literally spying on me!"

For how long? How much did she know? Had she heard everything in the tent? Was that why she was so eager to interrupt them?

"If it's any consolation, I haven't really used it." She said in eager defense, oblivious to the fact that this was no consolation at all. "I bought it from O'aka in Macalania Woods about three weeks ago but its such new technology that I couldn't really…figure it out. I'd only get bits of static and maybe a word here or there. Nothing substantial though."

Yuna let out a small sarcastic chuckle "is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"No Yuna." Lulu said placidly. "It's supposed to make me feel better. Redemption. Something I know I don't deserve." She removed the fragments of plastic from Yuna's hands and threw them in the bedside trash with a sigh. "I was just so worried about you. After the wedding you just…shut everyone out, wandered around in a constant daze. I was hoping to perhaps figure out how to make you smile again…by whatever means available to me."

Yuna could say nothing in reply. She was too angry to forgive her and too respectful to get angry and could find no middle emotion except to sit there and stare. As long as Lulu hadn't heard anything from the night in the forest, or the time in the tent, there was really no harm done. But still…

"I think you should go." She said blandly, her voice betraying neither her anger nor her forgiveness. They would have plenty of time to talk but for now, she just needed to be alone.

"I understand." Lulu stood up from the bed, the loss of her weight shifting the mattress, and made her way toward the door. As she pulled back the flap, the silence spell of the room disappeared and Auron could be heard yelling over what seemed to be the sound of explosions while Rikku's mad laughing roared above all the noise. The party was apparently having some issues.

"Everything I did…I did because I love you." Lulu gave one last plea of innocence before stepping outside, the fabric of the door re-establishing the silence of the tent as Yuna fell back into bed and tried her hardest not to think…

Instead she closed her eyes and promptly fell asleep.


"Oh Yunieee…?" a high pitched voice rang in her ear as an insistent finger began violently prodding her back. "Wakey wakey!"

"Mmmfph…sleeping." Was all Rikku was able to get out of her cousin before she rolled away from her and pressed a pillow over her head to block out the noise.

"Aww…come on Yunie!" she insisted, her poking becoming more vicious. "You've been napping for over two hours! Its party time now! Teehee."

The figure under the pillow only gave out a muffled laugh and remained unmoving, save for wrapping the fur blankets more securely around her shoulders so that every inch of her body was hidden by bed clothes.

With a groan of annoyance the energetic Al Bhed crawled, somewhat unstably, over to her cousin. After a bit of digging through the fur comforter, she finally found Yuna's arm and began ferociously yanking it with an unexpected amount of strength for one so small, gradually extricating her from her comfortable haven of blankets and pillows out into the cool air of the hotel room.

"Rikku please!" Yuna begged in a tired voice, jerking her arm free from her vice-like grip millimeters before she was to be dragged straight off the bed. "I'm really not in the mood tonight ok? Just…just tell them I'm sick or something."

"Tell them you're sick?" Rikku repeated abnormally loudly, her mouth gaping open in astonishment. "I can't just tell them you're sick!"

"Why not?" Yuna asked a tad antagonistically, rearranging herself comfortably in the blankets once more without any intention of moving again that night. Partying was definitely the last thing she wanted to do at the moment, especially with them…her jailers. Had they all known about Lulu's gadget?

Probably.

"Why not you ask!" Rikku screamed, her face reddening with fury (not to mention, lack of sobriety). "Because I've been working my ass off to try to get this to be a memorable night for you!"

She could see them now, huddled around O'aka, bartering for prices on all the latest spy gear in order to find out what she was doing every second of every day…

"Wakka fell off a ladder and almost broke his leg trying to put up lanterns for decoration. Auron set his coat on fire! Kimahri has even spent the last 45 minutes arranging bouquets…KIMAHRI, the Kimahri, was arranging bouquets!! Do you have any idea of how ridiculous that is! And Tidus, he…well…" she trailed off then, giving her an expectant grin and chose to sit down and wait. Yuna, of course, couldn't help but peak her head out from under the pillow upon realizing that Rikku wasn't going to continue, curiosity dictating her every move.

Her cousin knew her too well for her own good.

"What about Tidus?"

"Teehee…well you'll just hafta come out and see now won't ya?" She stuck out her tongue before springing off the bed and instantly began rummaging through Yuna's gear sack which someone had brought into the room during her nap. She pulled out the small pile of folded clothing that Yuna kept stored for emergencies should her summoner's kimono be in need of washing or repair, and cringed at every piece as she held it to the light.

"Geez, don't you own anything that's shorter than your knees?" She teased as she examined the last garment; a floor length pleated green skirt, and threw it away in disgust before turning back to Yuna, her hands on her hips. "Well you can't very well wear that!" She gave her a head to toe look over and frowned deeply, causing Yuna to blush under the scrutiny of her examination.

"This is all I have" she stated blandly while fixing her obi which had twisted around in her sleep. "I packed for somber traveling after all. Not socializing. It will have to do."

"But you look like a freakin' nun!"

With a sigh and much effort, Yuna extricated herself from the knot of blankets she was tangled in and headed towards the mirror, straightening her clothing hastily much like Tidus had done when he left her those few hours ago.

'Tidus…'

It could have been him gently waking her up now after finally letting loose the passion they had held bottled up for such a painfully long time. In fact, even in the present situation, Tidus should have been the one to wake her up. He had said he would hadn't he? What had happened? Why was Rikku here instead?

"By the way Rikku…" she began combing out her matted hair with her fingers, in a desperate attempt to look and sound casual "where is Tidus anyway?"

She saw her cousin's reflection in the mirror smirk as she held up one of Yuna's conservative skirts up to her own waist. "Oh…he's doing a little of this, a little of that…" she giggled again before chucking the skirt aside, joining Yuna in front of the mirror to apply some of her sparkly lip balm. "He's been yelling direction at all of us for the entire night. Kinda wanted to punch him at several points ya know?"

Yuna dropped her hands to her sides while letting out a small grunt of annoyance. She didn't want to celebrate tonight. She didn't want anything but to know where he was. And Rikku was being purposely as disruptive as possible. "Rikku please…Could you be any more vague?"

"And could you be any more obvious?" the Al Bhed retorted heatedly, slamming down her tube of lipstick onto the desk with such force that the case broke. Yuna took a step back, momentarily startled by the random violent action.

She was angry…Yuna had never seen her angry before. Her initial irritation immediately melted into concern.

"Rikku…what's…"

"Why didn't you tell me about him? !"

Yuna paused…timidly retracting the hand she was about to lay on her cousin' shoulder and instead clasped her palms together in front of her chest.

She knew…

Of course she knew…everybody probably knew! She was simply the only one able to admit it, having not been influenced by the constant insistence that all summoner's were holy beings and thus unable to have weaknesses or faults.

Rikku would have understood. She could have told her…she should have. But something about having a secret…something that was hers and only hers had such an enticing appeal which contrasted deeply with her all too public life. The reason for secrecy was pure selfishness. But how could she say all this without completely obliterating their precious open minded friendship?

Luckily, Yuna didn't have to excuse herself.

"I…I'm sorry." Rikky mumbled, retrieving her cracked cosmetic and returning it to her pocket. "We all need secrets. I know that better than anyone." She smiled guiltily before turning to face her, blushing in embarrassment at her outburst. "He's always talking about you ya know? Been driving me a little crazy this past week actually. Constantly harassing me to wrack my brain for a way to get you through this alive while insisting all too often that it was only due to his 'friendly' concern. Does he think I'm an idiot? He's a blonde too ya know!"

"Yeah…he's a little dense at times." Yuna laughed at this, daring to put a hesitant hand on her shoulder in a lame attempt at comfort. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner…But believe me when I say I wanted to. I wanted to talk to someone so badly…"

So much pain and anger could have been vented. So many hours sitting in silent misery having to lie over and over again…All that could have been avoided…

"I understand Yunie. I really do…" she gave her a gentle hug to prove her sentiments, giving solid reassurance in the process. "You're together then? So what! From now on you have at least one ally in the group. So lets go an celebrate!" And with that exclamation, Rikku took her hand and began to drag her to the door. Only Yuna being able to catch the ledge of the dresser stopped her from toppling over on her face.

"Wait Rikku!…its past midnight. My birthday is over and I really don't feel like…"

"Birthday smirthday!" Rikku exclaimed happily, continuing to tug on her arm without mercy. "Now that it's all out in the open we can discuss things. Now we're celebrating your becoming a woman!"

"MY WHAT!"

Rikku immediately stopped tugging, letting her arm fall as she stared at her cousin with an expression of complete bewilderment on her face. "In the woods…remember?"
She spoke as if she were reminding Yuna of an event in which she also participated. "You two did 'it' right?" she asked as casually as if she were talking about the weather.

"Rikku!" Yuna turned a deep shade of red and covered her face with her hands. "I can't believe you'd think…why would I…? No!"

"Well come on!" she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, almost daring Yuna to lie to her like she had all the others just because she was younger and supposedly naïve. "Something obviously happened. Something you couldn't exactly announce. And if I were you I wouldn't want to go to the farplane without at least trying it first. So, naturally, I assumed that…"

"Just because I said we're together doesn't mean we were…together together."

Rikku, like Lulu before her, raised an incredulous eyebrow. "Seriously?…you two were alone. You like each other a lot…and nothing happened?"

Yuna nodded demurely, peeking through the cracks of her fingers to see Rikku shaking her head in disappointment, obviously hoping for some juicy gossip.

"Nothing…wow." She continued to shake her head in an unsatisfied manner. All this time she had thought she discovered Yuna's big, scandalous secret proving that they did indeed share the same weakness for bold, blonde men. Yet alas, her cousin was always the good girl. The big secret being a mutual crush was a really disappointing revelation. "I can't believe you...seriously nothing?"

'Well not exactly nothing…'

"Well…we…umm…" Yuna hesitated, her thoughts running vicious circles in her heard contemplating the pros and cons of how much she should tell. Rikku being trustworthy wasn't an issue…she would probably even congratulate them and be a useful aid in organizing things. But on the other hand she also did have a hard time keeping her mouth shut…

Was keeping things secret really worth the risk of losing her sanity without being able to talk to someone?

Yuna's silence spoke words.

"Aha!" Rikku jumped suddenly, pointing an accusing finger. "So you did do something naughty!" Her face brightened substantially as she began to giggle at the idea of the coy, innocent Yuna being indecent. "Tell me everything! Leave not one detail out! Was it good?"

"It…well we. Uhhh…"

'No more lies Yuna…now's your chance…'

'I want…I want my family to know.'

"We're getting married." she blurted out suddenly, grasping her cousin's hands within hers, whose eyes had widened substantially.

"You…You're WHAT?"

"We're getting married and I want you to be there. Only you okay?"

Rikku only stood there stunned, her green eyes narrowed and her mouth agape, frozen in an expression of horrid surprise. "Have…have you lost your minds?"

"Yes! Yes we have! HaHa!" She jumped up and down on spot, shaking their grasped hands as she did so, imitating Lulu's reaction all those years ago when she had first announced her engagement. "Isn't it…isn't it amazing?"

"Yunie, the word you're looking for is: 'insane'!" she pulled her hands away and steadied herself down onto to mattress to get her bearings, her head swimming with the new information. This was definitely not the outrageous confession she had been expecting. "But weren't you set on completing your pilgrimage?"

Yuna's giddy mood instantly vanished to be replaced with the sobriety that always attached itself to discussions about her journey. "I will…continue…of course."

Rikku nodded, not expecting any other answer after she had spent so many months begging her to stop.

She sat there in deep thought for a few more moments, contemplating the situation and what her feelings should be considering the matter. Tidus was her friend, and so obviously obsessed with Yuna…he would just die watching her slowly get the life sucked out of her at the Final Summoning. Didn't he realize that marrying her would make the pain that much worse? Only Tidus could have thought of such a ridiculous method to temporarily satisfy his longing. And only Yuna could be in such equal need for affection to accept a doomed proposal.

Were they stupid and suicidal?…or just really in love? Was there a difference?

"And Tidus?" Rikku asked, un-characteristically serious. "How does he feel about becoming a widow at 18?"

She was doubtful, condescending, skeptical…everything Yuna had been afraid of.

"He knows what he's doing" she insisted, distracting herself by fiddling with the beaded strings from her obi. "I know what I'm doing too. We just want to be together for what time we have. Is that so wrong?"

"Then be together, but don't marry the guy!" Rikku screamed, obviously furious with the idea of Tidus being lured deeper into this imaginary bliss which would all too soon shatter and leave him broken. "Have you paused once to consider what will happen after the pilgrimage? All fine for you, having got the guy and can die happily, but what about Tidus? This will crush him…"

"I know!" Yuna screamed in interruption, blinking furiously to keep at bay an onslaught of tears. "I know it's selfish but…Yevon, to have a wedding. A REAL wedding! To be with someone knowing our souls are linked forever…I think it will…I'm hoping it will fill this hole in my heart." With a sigh she sat down on the bed next to Rikku and timidly laid her head on her shoulder. Her intentions were completely egocentric, but for whatever reason, she now felt this union was a necessary step in completing her journey, much like visiting a temple. Should they be convinced to skip the ceremony and just continue on, she knew she wouldn't be strong enough for the end.

"Maybe, just maybe, it'll rid me of this fear and panic I keep experiencing because I feel I haven't done anything with my life." Yuna explained, placing an arm around her silent partner, hugging her closer. "Maybe I'll finally be ready after this…reassured with the knowledge that I can wait for him in the farplane…That gives me a comfort you can't imagine. You understand don't you?"

Rikku placed her hand on top of Yuna's on her shoulder and squeezed it a little in sympathy. "No. I don't understand." She said with a slight smile while turning to meet Yuna's glistening eyes. "But I trust and love you. And because of that will I help in whichever ways I can…Good enough?"

Yuna returned the grin warmly. "More than enough."

'Thank you Rikku…Thank you so much…'

"In the meantime though, " Rikku pulled away, giving Yuna a mischievous stare. "I'm going to make sure tonight it one to remember…"


Author's Note: I know not much happens in this chapter, but that's because it went up to 19 pages and I still hadn't gotten to my point. Thus, again, I split it up…and the next chapter is already almost fully done! I needed some character development to explain things that will happen later and also some Final Fantasy X2 references. My main point of this entire story is to show how Yuna became the girl she is at the end of the second game, cause I don't think Square expanded it well enough.. And so, this is my re-write of the FFX script. Depending on reviews I will post the new chapter either on Tuesday or take my time and wait till next week ;) wink. Comments and Criticism are welcome. Review!