Step into the deep end
Make yourself at home
When you wonder why your breathing
Know your not alone

.

"You're awake"

Olivia yawned and tightened the dark blue zip-up hoodie around her body, shivering slightly as the cool air that floated through Brian's apartment hit her bare legs. She tottered into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, she smiled and jumped up to sit on the white marble top.

"I am" Brian nodded as he leaned against the opposite counter slowly sipping a glass of cold water, the condensation from the glass slipping against his fingers.

"You feeling okay?" She questioned, her fingers fiddling with the cuffs of Brian's hoodie as she gently swung her feet back and forth

"Sure" He smiled, his tired eyes struggling to focus on her as she spoke

"Don't lie to me" She whispered with a raised eyebrow, she knew he was never one to complain about being ill or in pain and he always told her he felt better than he did and it was beginning to get on her nerves.

"I'm not, I just feel sick" He insisted "The room started spinning as I lay there and I didn't want to wake you so I came through here, that's all" He smiled and slowly walked over to her, placing the glass at her side.

Olivia opened her arms and spread her legs as she reached for the collar of his shirt, softly pulling him to stand against her body. She reached her fingers into his hair and guided his head towards hers, pressing her lips to his she smiled as he slid his hands inside the hoodie and wrapped his arms around her back.

"Hi" He mumbled as she pulled back from him, resting her forehead against his

"Hi" She touched his face with her fingers, tracing the bridge of his nose and the curve of his chin "Two weeks down"

"Feels like longer" He chuckled, closing his eyes against the light, fighting of a wave of nausea that washed over him "And it needs to end now"

"I know" Managing to kiss his forehead just before he abruptly pull back and bolted towards the bathroom, Olivia sighed and ran her hands through her hair, he was right, these last two weeks had felt like a lifetime.

Brian had finished his first week of treatment and was now 10 days into his three-week break and already starting to feel the affects of the chemotherapy. The doctor had explained that it may not have any symptoms during the first session or it he may struggle with the full effect, there was no way to definitively tell until he was already on the drugs.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, noting the early hour of the morning she shook her head and jumped down moving towards the sink to refill the now empty glass by her side as she tried to fight back the emotions that bubbled throughout her body. She could hear Brian in the bathroom, retching into the toilet and wished there was something, anything she could do to make him feel even just a little bit better.

"Babe…" She slowly pushed the door open and noticed Brian on the bathroom floor, his head resting on his knees as he sat with his back against the tub.

Olivia grabbed a washcloth and doused it with cold water before squeezing it out and dropping down to sit beside him, placing the cloth on the back of his neck.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Better now that I've thrown up" He scoffed "Still dizzy as hell though"

Olivia stood up and gently hooked her arms under his helping him to stand, she kept the cool cloth in one hand as she guided him back through to the bedroom, immediately turning off the light when he ducked his head and clenched his eyes closed.

Brian climbed into bed and Olivia did the same on the other side, she sat with her back against the mound of pillows behind her and gently ran her fingers through his hair as he sipped the water she brought for him.

"Come on, try and get some sleep" She slowly guided his head down and pulled him against her, his head resting on her stomach, she continued to gently massage his scalp as he apologised for keeping her awake.

"Stop apologising Bri, I'm here for you, to help you"

"Yeah but you shouldn't have to suffer as well"

"Shut up and sleep" Olivia lightly scolded with a smile.

Brian turned his head and kissed her stomach through the covers, his arms wrapping gently around her middle as he closed his eyes, hoping he would get at least another few hours sleep and thanking god for this perfect human being by his side.

.

Olivia awoke in the morning to the strong smell of coffee, her eyes opened to the morning sunlight trying to break its way through the royal blue curtains. She lifted her head off the pillow to see the steaming mug sitting by her bedside.

"Morning, sleeping beauty" Brian smiled from his side of the bed.

She turned her head and blushed, dropping face first into the pillow, she still couldn't get used to the compliments he gave her on a daily basis. Lying on her side to face him she took in the sight of his shirtless body, his legs covered by thin flannel pyjama pants and he had a washcloth over his forehead, she immediately sat up.

"You okay?" She softly touched his arm, smiling when he captured her hand and lifted it to his mouth, placing soft kisses on her fingers.

"I'm fine, just a hot flush" He lifted the cloth and sat up against the headboard as Olivia grabbed her coffee mug and slowly took a sip of the warm dark liquid.

"We said we'd be there at eleven, you sure you're okay to go today? I could call Lydia and…"

"I'll be fine, Liv" Brian interrupted, smiling at her concern, "I feel fine, just a little hot and dizzy. I'll be fine after I've had a shower and my medication" He still held her free hand, his thumb tracing the back of her soft hand.

"How was it when you woke up?" She asked

"Not bad, well, not as bad as yesterday" Brian had woken from a nightmare in the early hours of yesterday morning, his confusion in overload as he sat in bed, unable to remember anything for a good five minutes before spending the following two hours in the bathroom throwing up.

"No nightmares?"

"No nightmares, just a bit of forgetfulness but it wore off quickly" He turned to her, noting the look on her face "I'd tell you if there was more, I promise"

"Okay" Olivia smiled and leaned over, pushing her lips against his, a smile gracing her lips when he gently cupped her cheek.

.

"It just sucks, I wake up in the morning and some days are fine, others I have no idea what's going on, I'm just sick of it already" Brian groaned and sat back into the chair beside Josh in the large back yard as Josh's two youngest children played in front of them.

"It was worse for me in the morning, I had bad insomnia on my first cocktail, barely slept an hour a day and it was hell, the forgetfulness and confusion was bad for me then." Josh explained "Maybe they could try you on a different cocktail, getting the right one on the first your first time is rare"

"You think that could be it?"

"Maybe. This is my third different one now in four months and it seems to be working better for me, I'm sleeping better, still nauseous as hell but everything else is okay, you could mention it to your oncologist, see what he says."

.

"So how are you coping? I bet everyone's asking about Brian but not about you" Lydia smiled and handed Olivia a blue polka dot mug filled with herbal tea.

"I'm okay, tired mostly, worried, but I guess that's normal?" She smiled

"Very" Lydia replied, flipping her red hair behind her shoulder "It'll get easier, well, I say easier, you get used to it. Once the first session is over and you know the procedure, you know which weeks are his bad weeks and his good weeks then it's easier to plan ahead for the next session, saying that every session is different." She began to explain "Like with Josh, the week before chemo he starts having panic attacks, he gets really bad anxiety and on the first day it's hell, even though he's been through this all before, he still gets the attacks"

"Every time?"

"Yep. And then the week of chemo he's not so bad, he gets tired easily which is understandable and other than that he's fine. The first week after chemo is when the nausea kicks in and that lasts pretty much the first two weeks, his third week isn't so bad apart from the panic attacks."

"I dunno how you cope with it all. Especially with the kids as well, it's got to be hard" Olivia sipped her tea and gazed out the back window to where the guys sat with Josh and Lydia's two young sons.

Lydia nodded "Yeah but I love him, I need him." She smiled "I'd do anything for him. In sickness and in health, it's written in the vows. So how's Brian been so far? You said he gets confused a lot?"

"Yeah" Olivia nodded, tucking a strand of her dark hair behind her ear "Usually in the morning, he'll wake up and forget where he is or what's going on you know? It's not so bad really, it lasts a few minutes and then he's fine but it's worrying him and I know it is."

"Make sure he stays hydrated" Lydia explained "Josh was the same his first week, the doctor ended up changing his cocktail but his confusion and forgetfulness got pretty bad because he'd end up forgetting to eat and drink which made him feel worse. Just make sure he's drinking enough and I know with the nausea, eating doesn't seem very appealing to him but sometimes it does help. Food heavy in carbs usually does the trick with Josh. And keeping him hydrated will help his skin as well, chemo can cause it to dry out quite a bit."

"I'm gonna have to start writing this down, I'm gonna be calling you every day with questions. Reading the pamphlets are easy but speaking to someone who's actually been through it is better than anything you can read" Olivia laughed and set her mug down on the counter.

"Olivia, if you ever have any questions, you or Brian, you have our number. Seriously, we both know what it's like to go through this on your own, Josh's first time with this we had no one and he was really down about it, now he's got Brian as a friend I can tell he's better about everything, someone who knows exactly what he's going through. And I'm here for you, if you need anything just shout"

"Thank you" Olivia smiled, feeling her emotions get the better of her "Back at you though, if you need anything, even if it's just driving Josh back from the session, I can do it. Anyway I can help, I will."

"Thank you" Lydia reached for her hand "Us girls have to stick together" They both laughed and chitchatted for another hour before the men returned into the house.

.

"I mean it Olivia, if you need anything, just call us" Lydia hugged the brunette tight as the couples said their goodbyes.

"I will, see you guys soon"

Olivia reached for Brian's hand as they walked down the steps of the front porch; he leaned across and kissed the side of her head as they walked along the path.

"So what did you girls talk about?" Brian questioned

"Girl stuff and you" Olivia grinned as she opened the driver's door and slid into the seat.

The drive back to Brian's apartment was mainly silent, both of them tired and ready for sleep despite the early afternoon hour. Olivia yawned as they stepped into the elevator, their fingers tangled together as she stood in front of him, his head resting on her shoulder.

"I need a nap" She admitted, "No, I need to sleep for a year"

"Me too" Brian muttered against her shoulder, bringing his free arm around her waist.

They slowly stumbled into the apartment; Olivia stopped in the kitchen and filled a glass of water before entering the bedroom, finding Brian already changed into sweatpants and an old t-shirt.

"Here" She handed him the glass before pulling her own shirt over her head

"Okay, thanks" He smiled and took a gulp before placing it on the cabinet by his side of the bed.

"Lydia said to keep you hydrated, Josh had trouble with forgetting things and random confusion. He forgot to eat and drink which caused the dehydration which made him worse so you need to stay hydrated and maybe it'll help a little bit, if not we need to talk to the doctor…" she lifted the covers after closed the curtains, the daylight now blocked out from the bedroom "Maybe see about changing the cocktail you're on"

"Yeah Josh said that, he's had his changed twice now I think he said, maybe three. I dunno, we'll see what happens" He pulled Olivia close, kissing her forehead as his arms slipped carefully around her waist.

"It'll get better, we'll figure it out" She smiled, her fingers running softly over his face

"Yeah" He leaned in and kissed her mouth "Thank you for being here" He whispered

"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else"

.


thoughts? continue or not?

lyrics: Everybody's Broken - Bon Jovi

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