A/N: About the really late update, well: as it's nearing Easter, there's an awful lot of pink bunnies around, and I just so happened to see one covered in yellow polka-dots, which reminded me of somebody, heh. Anyway, suddenly remembered I'd written this fic and that it might possibly still have readers. Fat chance, but worth a shot. Plus oddly enough I still had the chapter plan.
Enjoy the chapter. I'm not entirely sure how much my writing style has changed over the year - hoping it doesn't distract attention from the plot too much. As always apologies for OOCness - it's very intentional.
Chapter 7
Wonderland
"I say; what a peculiar-looking man!"
"Oh, indeed, my dear Dr. Lee! What horrendous curse haunts such a tormented individual, I do wonder…"
"It is surely a disease, gentleman - stay back!"
Naruto squinted through the retreating mist, drowsily dumbstruck, as three looming figures on horseback came into view. He recognised them almost immediately, despite their bizarre clothing and eccentric accents. They sat atop horses of strawberry, mint and sky-blue, each of them clad in multi-coloured, polka-dotted suits, complete with top-hats and monocles. Naruto sighed; a creeping suspicion as to who might be behind this charade quickly became apparent. Rock Lee cleared his throat rather loudly, fiddling with his monocle, as his normally abnormally large eyes squinted in fascinated puzzlement, while Shikamaru gave a quick puff of his pipe in acknowledgement, before dismounting and adjusting his top-hat with an indignant huff. Kiba, who hadn't stopped waving his cane around since Naruto had first set eyes on him, leapt from his mount and continued to shake his cane in a menacing manner.
"Right," Naruto breathed, unsure of whether to laugh or despair, Hitachi had to be near; he was certain. "Where's he hiding?"
"Ooh, did you see that!" Rock Lee exclaimed, ignoring the question and pulling a notebook from his pocket, hurriedly scribbling down each detail before returning a widened gaze to Naruto, as if expecting more.
"He is capable of speech - how remarkable!" Shikamaru added, turning to Kiba for agreement, who vigorously nodded his head and increased the movement of his cane.
"Extraordinary; a talking carrot-man, who would have thought!"
Naruto paused, letting the last few words sink in, having particular trouble understanding the relevance carrots. "Erm, excuse me?"
More scribbling followed.
"Such a polite over-sized vegetable!"
"And here we are so rudely not introducing ourselves!"
"No need," Naruto cut in, attempting to scramble to his feet, but failing miserably, noticing his current orange attire prevented him from any kind of movement. Delayed discovery dawned as he realised he was in fact dressed in carrot costume. Hitachi was definitely behind this - no doubt about it.
"Splendid Vegetable-Stranger, I am Dr. Lee, a well-known and highly talented scientist from the Castle of Catastrophe," Dr. Lee stated proudly, momentarily refraining from his note-taking to dismount and offer Naruto a greeting handshake. As he was unable to move and a carrot, Naruto merely grunted in response, wondering if the costume had an exit. Satisfied, Dr Lee continued: "and this is Dr. Shikamaru and Dr. Kiba, also of Castle Catastrophe, we are honoured and amazed to make your acquaintance."
Why hadn't he taken the ambiguous voice more seriously and chosen a costume which actually allowed movement? He shuffled around pathetically like an infuriated worm, with the urge to be dressed in a pink and yellow polka-dotted bunny costume growing. Was this some kind of punishment? He didn't recall doing anything wrong, nothing recent at least… aside from, well - the incident with Sasuke, which still hovered over his conscious, demanding a reason.
"Mr. Carrot-Man?" Dr. Lee had apparently noticed his discovery's sudden loss in interest, and had ordered Dr. Kiba to prod at him gently with his cane until he responded. "Gently, gently; don't want to aggravate him,"
"Patience, Dr. Lee, I assure you he'll come to again, you'll see," Dr. Kiba insisted, while Dr. Shikamaru cupped his chin in contemplation, his mind debating the possibility of other talking vegetable people.
Becoming irritated by the persistent poking in his side, Naruto forced his body to move slightly to the left, deciding rolling was probably his only means of escape. This was quickly noted by the keen eye of Dr. Lee, who after making extensive notes on the process, proclaimed with panic: "He's getting away!"
As he rolled away, ever so slowly, Naruto finally got chance to see his surroundings, through flickering images - much like watching an old fashioned movie, apart from the landscape was far from monochrome. Every colour in existence had been splattered haphazardly across the land, each shade merging into one another to form a psychedelic wonderland. Trees of purple blues and liquid hues were clustered together in segments of twos, threes and twenty-sevens, while streams trickled veins of rainbow serpents, meandering into kaleidoscopic heaven. All of this, combined with the continuous rolling, caused Naruto to become very confused.
Dr. Lee and friends were hot on his tail, climbing over each other in hope of catching the retreating carrot first. It was of course, Dr. Shikamaru who prevailed, as he'd formulated a devious plan beforehand, however, Dr. Kiba seized control of the situation with a swift flash of his cane.
"Now now, Mr. Carrot, that was very rude of you, do apologise immediately!"
"We only wanted to experiment on you!" Dr. Lee added, intending to be reassuring but having the opposite effect on his target.
"Look," Naruto said desperately, taking an instant dislike to Dr. Lee's suggestion of experimentation. "I'm not actually a vegetable - this is just a costume. If you'd just help me get out of it and stop making notes, I'd prove it to you!"
There was an awkward silence, in which the three bamboozled doctors huddled together in deep discussion, glancing towards their potential experiment subject every couple of seconds in suspicion. Their behaviour was much like Hitachi, Naruto thought, though the situation was made three times worse. He waited anxiously for a few moments until the doctors reached their decision.
------------
"Mr. Carrot, are you listening?" Dr. Lee asked, looming over, his monocle twinkling under the techni-coloured sunlight. The other two followed his lead, gathering around to block any chance of escape. "After much debate, we have come to the conclusion that you are not a vegetable,"
"Thank god," Naruto sighed, relieved, finally a sign of normality! Maybe they weren't deranged - maybe they were just like his real friends - maybe they wanted to help him. He chanced the theory: "Now, how about helping me out of this thing?"
"If you please, Mr. Carrot, I was not finished," Dr. Lee said dismissively, with an annoyed frown and a quick scribble on his pad. "You aren't a vegetable, but we'd still like to experiment on you."
"What - why?!" Naruto felt his insides freeze in dread, cracking painfully as Dr. Kiba suddenly stopped shaking his beloved cane, and held it up to eye level, getting ready to aim.
"As you can see, Mr. Carrot, you are about to be tranquilized - any protests?" Dr. Lee offered, kneeling down and patting his new experiment encouragingly.
"Yes, please don't do this," Naruto gasped, wriggling wildly, smacking Dr. Shikamaru in the stomach, who was far too busy plotting to notice he'd been attacked.
"Fool!" Dr. Lee spat venomously, dropping his notepad in enragement, "After him!"
Momentarily liberated and putting his all into a slightly faster roll escape than his last, Naruto found himself somehow making progress away from his captors. The polychromatic scenery flew past in turbulent waves, and occasionally he caught sight of the crazed scientists running behind. After a short while of high-speed rolling, he began to wonder why they hadn't caught up - had he lost them?
He purposely crashed into the nearest tree, turning on his side to discover he was still being pursued, though fortunately it seemed the scientists were only able to run in slow-motion. How awful for them. A smirk of achievement crept onto his lips; he was going to escape and somehow he'd rid himself of his carroty shell.
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With things actually working to his advantage, he rolled on quite carelessly, not noticing the heavy panting and growls gradually creeping up behind him.
"Salutations once again, Mr. Carrot,"
A gigantic claw loomed, spreading a sinister shadow over him, and within a few moments he was trapped once more. Pinned under the cover of a painful prison. Dr. Kiba laughed evilly, dropping down from the back of a salivating dragon.
"A capital effort, Akamaru, three cheers for you," he said, smirking triumphantly, advancing towards his prey. "And, as for you, Mr. Carrot, you've been very naughty,"
Was this a messed-up dream of an illusion? It was likely to be either… anything was possible here. Regardless of which, Naruto wanted out. He willed his mind to rewind, back to when he'd dealt with Hitachi's crazed antics and how he'd finally come to dismiss him. If he could wake-up somehow, break free and find himself back in the grimy toilet of shame he'd be content. Dealing with the embarrassing occurrence would be difficult, but he was certain it'd beat being experimented on any day!
"HALT, foul beast! Step away from the fair maiden, I shall not let you harm her!"
"Oh, what a time to show up," Dr. Kiba let out a groan of resentment, and hopped swiftly back onto Akamaru, flipping his cane into battle position. "Meddlesome idiot,"
Naruto could hear the sound of galloping hooves, mixed in with a cacophony of thundering dragon roars and powerful battle cries. He lay there helpless, paralysed in obliviousness, lying in wait of a wake-up call. Had someone come to save him? Surely not, the mysterious hero had referred to a 'fair maiden' not a carrot. Sighing, he closed his eyes and continued to listen out for any signs of victory.
-----
"You do not like your costume," a saddened voice whispered, breaking through the clangs, twangs and pangs of battle. "Do you know how much thought I put into it? Did you not see the humorously clever link? I spent a day thinking that up - a day!"
"Hitachi," Naruto murmured, not opening his eyes, "I knew it was you,"
"Well, at least you've had the sense to give me credit," Hitachi huffed, cheering up slightly. "What was wrong with it exactly? I mean, I thought you'd laugh - I trust you have a sense of humour, yes?"
"You know something!" Naruto glowered, remembering his conversation with Bob, "About the mur-"
"I know many things…" Hitachi said dreamily, already floating off down one of his tangents "if you were to ask me how to cook a tantalizingly delicious carrot surprise, I would say begin by chopping up-"
"An entire anbu squad-" Naruto cut in, patience finally retreating and letting anger take hold.
"Oh, certainly not! How awful!" Hitachi gasped, sounding close to tears, "I'd never resort to such horrible measures."
"Just listen for one moment," Naruto pleaded grinding his teeth, suppressing aggravation. "That night you 'helped' me - the stuff you told me - about the approaching threat…"
"Oh yes, I was absolutely right, wasn't I? I'm always right, you see, it comes from being a-"
"I want you to tell me who's behind it. You were about fill me in with the details before my friend interrupted us, but you scampered off quickly leaving me looking like raving lunatic, remember?"
"Oh, yes, that was rather funny, wasn't it?"
"No. Who are they, Hitachi?"
Hitachi let a few second pass by, as if he was asking permission to answer, "Ever heard of deja-vu?"
"Now's not the time - just tell me."
"I would quite happily tell you, but someone's about to disturb us, I don't think-"
"Now, Hitachi!"
Hitachi let out a petulant sigh of defeat. "The Special Friends."
"Special Friends?"
"Oh yes. I shall be leaving you now, but here's a new outfit to impress your charming young knight, best wishes!"
"Hitachi!"
----
He could hardly believe it; was disappearing after giving out fragments of information Hitachi's speciality? It was awful, dishearteningly disappointing, he felt like he had several pieces of the puzzle yet none of them joined. Where did he even begin? What did 'Special Friends' even mean? Why were they doing this? Further more how the heck did it relate to Hitachi kitting him out in ridiculous costumes and depositing him in strange, deranged worlds.
"It just doesn't make sense!"
"Are you hurt?"
Confused cerulean flitted open, washing over familiar oak, concerned and questioning. Naruto forced a nervous smile, without removing his stare from an armour-clad Sasuke, who kneeled over him protectively, eyes glimmering in unadulterated respect.
"How long have I been out?" Naruto said, sitting up, assuming he was back in the world of reality, suddenly overburdened with real memories and embarrassment. "I suppose you want an explanation, well… let's just say…"
"Don't say another word; you are clearly very upset," Sasuke cooed sympathetically, offering an armour-covered hand.
"Oh no, no… no," Naruto collapsed backwards, closing his eyes once more, willing himself awake. He wasn't back; the dragon-slaying Sasuke was proof enough. This was getting beyond ridiculous. Where was the way out?
"My Lady!" The Knightly Sasuke exclaimed, rushing to his damsel's aid, his tone laced in genuine anxiety.
"My Lady?" Naruto questioned, surprised, trying to come to terms with his team-mate being gallant and adoring, while sober, though his own current attire came as a bigger shock. Flowingly frilly and figure-flattering was beyond a joke, it was far into the realms of a deranged mind. HIS mind. "I hate Hitachi."
"Then I hate him, too," Sasuke proclaimed automatically, frowning in hatred and contempt. He continued to hold Naruto upright, loyally supporting, faultlessly serving.
"You already - oh, this is just too surreal," Naruto found himself incapable of constructing a sentence, struggling to find his mind amidst the fog of the improbable, the impossible and the downright ridiculous.
"I think you need rest, my fair Lady," Sasuke said conclusively, scooping the dumbstruck blond up with flawless ease. It took a few moments for Naruto's mind to process the fact, and after becoming aware he showed his displeasure through a series of kicks and wriggles.
"Argh - put me down!"
"Calm down, now - I've scared the dragon away, there's nothing to worry about," Sasuke said reassuringly, tightening his grip and prevailing against Naruto's drastic fidgeting.
"It's not the dragon I'm worried about,"
Sasuke smiled gently, twirling the fit of hisses, growls and scratches around, as a shower of multi-coloured petals fell from out of nowhere, drenching them both in a vivid whirlpool. "You needn't worry about a thing when I'm around,"
Naruto eyed the insistent Knight impatiently; he'd never imagined such sap-covered words to flow so freely, especially from an alcoholic loner. Instead of looking down-trodden and restless, Sasuke's face was lit up in dignified confidence, setting each of his features ablaze in optimism and pride. Everything about him was brighter, happier, carefree, resilient to negativity. Naruto could almost feel himself falling into the inviting oaken stare, a warm sanctuary far from drug-dealers, bunnies and crazed scientists. It was all there, the absolute paradise, personified in armoured magnificence, fortified under the silken tendrils of dark hair, such beauty, such perfection, such…
"Shit," Naruto gasped, pulling away from the hypnotic gaze. "Someone's messing with my head!"
Sasuke laughed heartily, before whistling his stead over, and giving Naruto an encouraging push into the saddle. Without giving his 'damsel' much chance to recover, he mounted the considerably conventionally coloured black mare swiftly, and urged her on, turning around and winking knowingly.
"Better hold on, she's fast,' he warned, grabbing the reigns and eyeing his passenger expectantly. Naruto frowned, reluctantly complying, shuddering against the chilling sensation of armour, spreading across his exposed hands. Sufficiently satisfied, Sasuke urged the mare into a strong gallop, and they flew across fields of iridescent radiance, swooping over creatures of prismatic elegance, and gliding through spiralling liquid ecstasy. Though the sights were indeed astonishingly spectacular, Naruto grumbled irritably, having trouble adapting to the motion of riding. He was painfully ashamed, for having to hold onto an overly dashing Knight, who appeared to bear every trait of his team-mate, aside from the attitude and desire to win a damsel's love and approval. Surely it'd be over soon?
------
"You never know when a dragon can strike; they're cunningly deceptive beasts - ruthlessly deviant, so tricky, very tricky indeed - don't underestimate them, my Lady - oh no - a friendly dragon is a deadly dragon!"
Naruto nodded wearily, watching the spitting flames of the campfire viciously pouncing and darting over one another. Never before had he been so taken with a fire; it had been a suitable distraction from the endless lines of gibberish and reminiscent tales of dragons, damsels and more dragons. Several times the notion of running away had crossed his mind, yet he lacked the energy to even stand after falling off multiple times during the ride.
"There once was a time I acted foolishly in the presence of a dragon," Sasuke continued, his tone turning momentarily sombre. "It taught me something… I learnt to be vigilant, to always remain cautious, and to never trust a dragon - never! Yet, I paid a high price, a horribly fatal price…"
A tense silence.
"O-oh?" Naruto mumbled, half-listening, noticing a disappointed-looking Sasuke from the corner of his eye. So long as he made a noise of acknowledgement, the Knight would keep talking, eager to share his 'fascinating' memories of valiant victories, however, it seemed his stories had taken a sudden turn for the worse.
Sighing, Sasuke continued, shifting around awkwardly, "Destroyed, ruined, desolated, forgotten, diminished, beaten brutally…"
"Aah…" Already Naruto could see this was going to be another epic, branching into two maybe three hours. Still, he leant forward, paying attention; he might be missing a clearly obvious message. Perhaps he'd mention the Special Friends… "What was?"
"My pride!" Sasuke howled, jumping to his feet and turning away dramatically in pained shame. "Gone, all gone - scarred forever, my reputation burnt and my dignity reduced to a pile of crumbling ash…"
"How awful," Naruto said, urging a little compassion into his tone, wondering if now would be the appropriate time to squeeze for information.
"I wish only to warn you, my Lady, and honour your ceaseless beauty, your…"
Obviously not. He'd yet to explain to Sasuke that he wasn't a woman for fear of the infatuated Knight turning aggressive. After all, his only two interests consisted of dragons and damsels, nothing more.
Far from finishing his flattery, Sasuke knelt slowly, eyes intense with unconditional adoration. He tenderly took Naruto's hand, whispering in riddles of love. "-such sweet, enchanting golden locks, capturing the splendour and luminous delicacy of a sunrise…"
This Sasuke mirrored his original's impulsiveness and Naruto shuddered anxiously, growing increasingly uncomfortable, as he was pulled forward, closer and closer. "W-well, thank you, but there's something you've gotta know…"
"My Lady, you're going to confess?" Sasuke purred, excitement flooding over his face, as he crept nearer, hopelessly engaged.
"Uh uh, yeah," Naruto said, diving around for a formidable explanation, becoming increasingly nervous as the landscape turned a warm shade of lustful red, pulsating in romantic anticipation. "I'm not who you think I am."
Sasuke's euphoria melted into dejected disagreement. "No such thing, my Lady, what nonsense - you are surely mistaken in your perturbed state. Rest and I shall tell you of how I defeated a dragon using just a bucket."
About to reject the impending story of buckets, Naruto opened his mouth, but was caught in motion, as he noted the presence of a pink rabbit. It was watching him, hardly visible from beneath the shades of cave.
"A rabbit," he began, standing up with renewed vigour, and striding towards the cave as if entranced by the small pink rodent.
"No, my Lady, a dragon - not a rabbit," Sasuke corrected, half-way through explaining the terrifying details of his bucket-blasting strike back. He sprang to his feet suddenly, all air of romance vanishing from his attitude as he realised where his damsel was headed. "Where are you going? That's a dragon's cave!"
Naruto wasn't listening. His one and only priority of that moment was the rabbit. He knew it was significant, something about the way it stared, something subtly summoning. At first he was enticed by it's odd colour, though he quickly remembered where he was and how logic had been long forgotten. Another memory sparked, a memory which still required a conclusion.
From behind he could hear hurried footsteps and the word 'dragon' being repeatedly cried in urgency, but he didn't stop to check; he didn't have time. Already, the rabbit had started to scamper away, its tail bobbing into darkness. He broke into a run, forgetting the aches and pains of riding. There was a chance of catching it, definitely, if he could just get in that cave without being 'rescued.' Unfortunately, his rescuer had caught up, almost immediately, thwarting his efforts with a quick grab and forceful embrace.
"There is nothing but death and dragon in that cave," Sasuke gasped desperately, holding on tightly, like a child with its favourite toy.
"Oh, but you're wrong," Naruto said, improvising, as he pretended to look in the distance, a look of feigned fear plastering his face. "My good Knight, the dragon from before has returned - it is right behind you. Perhaps you should-"
"Behind me, you say?!" The Knight became seemingly possessed with madness and relinquished his hold, performing a magnificently skilled somersault, preparing for battle. "Stand back. I'll handle this beast!"
Naruto nodded understandingly, rushing toward the cave, one intention in mind. He didn't wait for Sasuke's puzzled reaction or question whether running into a dark dragon's cave was actually a good idea. He could think about all of that later.
-----
Damp, misty clouds of dizziness greeted him upon entry, ensnaring his curiosity and guiding him further into the unknown. For a few moments, he stumbled around blindly, arms outstretched in hope of guidance. The rabbit had vanished apparently, or maybe it was hidden beneath the endless layers of mist. He wasn't sure. His only source of comfort was a faint light up ahead, which flashed in bright intervals, accompanied by a choir of whispers. They encouraged him, beckoning for discovery.
He followed willingly, eager to learn more, growing increasingly absorbed in their hypnotising symphony. He couldn't resist the melodic rhythm, it was seductive in a way, heightening his nerves and slowly seizing control of his body. As the numbing sensation continued to spread, a feeling of overpowering tiredness hit him suddenly, causing him to tumble.
Falling forwards into the light, he held his breath in apprehension, his unquenchable thirst for knowledge asserting itself more than ever…
"My Lady, stop - it's a trap!"
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Assuming people are still reading at this point: Updates soon - I'm gonna finish this thing!
