A/N: Oh look who managed to not spend months not posting a new chapter. Thanks for the reviews and the follows! Remember to play nice with Mandy.
And this is fucked up, fucked up
This your blind spot, blind spot
It should be obvious, but it's not.
I silently wheeled myself back into my room. Emily and Mandy. The image of them standing there holding onto each other was burned into my mind. She hadn't told me they were together.
It made sense really. After everything I had put Emily through, I think deep down I knew I wasn't the only one ready to let go, she was ready to let me go to.
Everything felt like it was breaking inside. I had thought about why she was there when I woke up and I realised what I had been subconsciously fearing was coming true, she was here because she felt guilty for what happened and after I was healed she wouldn't want to be around me any more. My heart clenched as another scenario passed through my mind, the scenario where she wouldn't leave me, but the one where she would ask if we could stay friends. I would never be able to deny Emily anything she asked, but just being friends with her, knowing I couldn't touch her and having to see her with someone else... It would kill me.
I want to fight for her and make her mine again. These past couple of days I've been awake, the way she looked at me, you don't look at someone if you don't love them. Maybe that's what I wanted to see though, for months the only eye contact we shared was either a wounded glance when we briefly forgot what had happened or an angry stare down when she was trying to get a reaction to me. The way she looks at me now is with warmth, but maybe she can only look at me like that because she's accepted what happened between us is in the past now, because she had Mandy to help her move on.
It crushed me, and I could feel my chest tighten, but if they were happy, if Emily was happy then I wouldn't let her ruin that just because she felt like she owed me something. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, because that meant I couldn't ruin it either, I couldn't chase after Emily and try to convince her to let us keep trying, I needed to to let her be happy like I was planning to do before everything that happened. I needed to let her go.
My eyes closed and a part of me wished that I could fall back into a three week sleep and wake up again when all the pain was over. It was too much. Sophia, Emily, Mandy, the blood staining my hands. It would never be the same and I just wanted to fall asleep and be sixteen again, waking up for the first day of college, with nothing to worry about but the fact my TV had been stolen from my room again. It had been so simple then and I wondered if part of me should resent Emily, because everything was fine before she pushed her way back into my life, if part of me should be angry that she had built me up so high then ripped me back down so quickly.
The scar across my stomach throbbed and the pain in my head started pulsing in time with it. Everything hurt and I just wanted to sleep again.
"Hey, you've got wheels." The sound of Emily's voice shocks me and I'm sure my body visibly jumps at it. She's smiling down at me and I have to fight the tears, because it looked so much like she meant it, but I knew she didn't.
"Yeah, three weeks in a comma, turns out no matter how cycling you do you're legs still end up fucked." It's short and humourless, but I needed to do this. If I pushed Emily away, made her believe it was just me being typical Naomi the selfish prick, then she wouldn't blame herself.
"What's wrong Naomes?"
"Nothing, I'm fine." I looked down at the fresh hospital gown the nurses had given me and started pulling at a loose thread on it.
"Well, I can already tell today's going to be fun."
"Then maybe you should just leave." The comment slipped out harshly, my tone colder than I had intended and my eyes snapped up to look into Emily's alarmed gaze.
"What is your problem Naomi?" I couldn't answer, so I broke our eye contact and tried to blink back the tears. "I get it ok? I know it's frustrating being here, not being able to do anything, but you can't, fuck, can you stop pushing me away for once?" I just couldn't do it, I couldn't let her stand there trying to justify herself being here to me.
"I know about you and Mandy ok?!" Angry tears were suddenly spilling down my face, and Emily's face dropped in shock. I quickly lifted my hands, pushing my palms into my eyes as if I could push the tears back in. I needed to do this.
"Wha-"
"I know Emily, I saw the pair of you and I can't do it!" I took my hands away and really looked at her, she looked so confused and maybe she wasn't expecting me to find out whilst I was recovering, but it wasn't fair that she could start leading me on into thinking we could fix what I had broken. "I fucking, I just can't be your friend ok? I fucking, I love you Emily and-" Soft lips were suddenly on mine as she pushed my head back.
"You stupid, fucking," her eyes searched mine briefly, "blonde!"
"I'm not with Mandy, she wanted to check you were ok, but we agreed if you saw her here you would get the wrong idea, which you quite clearly have." I couldn't say anything, my mouth hanging open, because Emily just kissed me, like properly kissed me and Jesus Christ it's something I thought would never happen again. She pushed a hand back through her her. "Jesus Naomi, for someone who got all A's on their A-Levels you can be bloody stupid."
"I got all A's?" I'm not sure why I picked that part of her rant, but her eyes immediately flashed with annoyance.
"Fucking hell Naomes!"
"I mean, yes, ok, no you and Mandy, that's good." Emily's eyes rolled up, and it was a strange bolt of memory that hit me when I remembered her doing the same thing months ago. The pair of us had been laying in my old bed together. She looked a mess, her hair was pointing in all directions and there was a pleasant burn between my thighs. It was then that I chose to ask her what party she was going to vote for at the next election and there was a twist of happiness when I remembered her rolling her eyes at me and snarking about my lack of ability to make decent post sex talk and that I should really leave politics out of the bedroom.
Emily's suddenly kneeling down in front of me a pulling both my hands into hers.
"Just so we're clear, I love you Naomi. We have to talk, like really talk, but I need you better first, so stop stressing that I'm going to leave when you're better."
"I didn't-" Trying to deny it was useless, really there was no point, because Emily had always been able to see straight through me and all the walls that surround me.
"For fuck sake Naomi."
"Did you get any A's?"
"Naomi!"
"Right, yeah, I'll stop stressing." She smiled at me then, her eyes crinkling up at the edges as she leant down to kiss me again. It was soft and it was simple and for now it was everything I needed.
A/N: The 100 has taken over my life.
