Hellooooo, my pretties!

Snape: Stop. You're giving me flashbacks of shit-picking monkeys.

I'll get you, my pretty! And your big-ass nose, too!

Snape: Enough about the nose, already! Yes, I realize that I have a large nose. Yes, Cyrano De Bergerac's nose was a pimple compared to my snoz. NOW SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO YOUR POTIONS ASSIGNMENT!

Are you having teacher flashbacks, too? I'm not a student of yours, so *sticks out tongue* there."

Marie: We really do pick on him too much.

Speaking of picking...*turns to Snape* how does one do it with that sort of nose? I'm sure if I had your nose, then I'd probably end up losing my finger and have to shine a light up there to find it again.

Marie: Melda, ew. Just ew.

I own nothing. Especially (thankfully) not Snape's boogers.

(^J^)

Marie started to explain, but was interrupted by the cresendo of a Beethoven symphony. Ellie jumped and threw her EDGAR to the ground. "What the hell is that thing?" She demanded angrily. Marie snatched it up before Ellie could stomp on the poor phone.

"Hello?" She listened for a second and her eyes widened. She clapped a hand over the speaker. "It's Incarnadine!" She began running wildly in a circle like a chicken with its head cut off. "What are we gonna do?"

Ellie snorted cruelly. "Who names their kid Incarnadine? He sounds like a brand of Mexican sausage. Who in their right mind would name a kid like a sausage?"

Snape's lip curled. "Dr. Frank-N-Furtur."

Marie bit her lip worriedly, but forced a cheerful tone in addressing her boss. "Hiyah, Carni! Yeah, Ellie can't talk right now. She's having female issues."

"I am not! And stop calling me that!" Growled the amnesiac in question.

Marie sighed. "Yes, yes. Very serious. She'll call you back after we make a run...to...um..Victoria's Secret! Bye!" She shut the EDGAR off and wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Man, that was close!" She ran up to Ellie and tried to hug her. Ellie dodged out and a flicker of hurt crossed Marie's face. "Don't worry, everyone, if anyone could get Ellie back to normal, it'd be me! I'll make her right as butterscotch in a jiffy!"

"That's not how the saying goes!" Ellie rudely snapped.

Marie gave her a sad look, but determinedly picked up where she left off. "Well, it all happened about nine years ago."

~FLASHBACK~

Marie stood behind the counter of Jen & Berry's Ice Cream Parlour looking bored as she cleaned. Working in that place was not as eventful as she'd hoped, but she'd needed a steady job to help pay off her loans from college. She would be graduating next year and she planned on travelling to other countries or doing something exciting like a safari to celebrate and keep her on her toes.

She held up a glass for inspection. The dishwasher hadn't been working well recently. The ding of a bell made her look up and smile.

A young woman that seemed to be more or less a few years her senior was staring around at the 50s decorum with detatched interest. She had long red hair and piercing grey eyes. She was dressed in a crisp blue pantsuit that fit her so well that it must have been taylor-made. "May I help you?" Marke asked brightly.

"You probably can." She replied stiffly. "I am Agent Forrester from the FBI and I'm here looking for..." She took a folded up document from her pocket,glanced at it, then put it away again. "Marie M. Radcliffe."

Her smile faded and she became confused. What would the FBI want with her? "Um, you're talking to her, babydoll."

Agent Forrester glared coldly at her. "Please call me nothing other than my title."

Marie began to feel slightly afraid. She hadn't done anything wrong! At least, nothing that she knew of.."Would you tell me what I've supposedly done wrong? I'm very busy." She glanced behind her and an idea formed. Maybe if she gave the Agent a free ice cream, then she wouldn't scowl at her like she was doing now. "Hey, I have to get rid of the rest of this chocolate ice cream before the end of my shift or my pay is deducted. Would you do me a favor and take it? The cost's on me!"

Agent Forrest's expression went from confused, to shocked, to suspicious in the course of only a couple of seconds. She didn't answer even as Marie shoved the heavily laden cone into her hand. "Thank you, but I'm still going to have to investigate you. I don't take bribes." She said proudly.

"Oh, it wasn't a bribe." Marie wasn't sure, but she thought she might have read somewhere that bribing a law official had serious consequences. So she was quick to refute the idea that it was such a thing. "I..I, erm...just thought you didn't look very happy, so I wanted to cheer you up!"

Still suspicious, Eleanor raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah, that's all. I swear!"

"Humph. Alright. Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're wanted on suspicion of mail fraud."

"WHAT!" Marie could not believe what she'd just heard! Mail fraud? "That's not possible!"

Agent Forrester nodded. "There have been numerous complaints registered by people who are missing items mailed to them. The FBI traced these missing packages and realized that they had all been redirected to a warehouse rented under your name where they were subsequently auctioned off." She finished off her cone, wiped her hands on a napkin and got up. "Well, I've got to take you to my superiors, so follow me out to the car. You don't seem like the type to break and run, but remember that it's worse for you if you do." Checking to make sure Marie was right behind her, she walked out of the parlour and unlocked her car.

Marie walked sullenly outside. She was crossing the street when she heard an eardrum-bursting roar pull up next to her. Inwardly, she groaned. "Marie! Hi! I was just coming to pick you up for our date!"

A motorcycle, loud and painted with custom blue flames, had screeched to a stop only three feet from her. Agent Forrester whipped around and narrowed her eyes at the girl riding it. Marie sighed heavily. "Amelia, first off, there was never a date. I am straight, remember? Secondly, now is really not the time."

Amelia took off her helmet ande shook out her long blonde hair. She returned the agent's glare. "Who's the redhead givin' me the stinkeye? Was she hitting on you?" She frowned and got off her Harley. "Hey, you. Buzz off. She's already got a girlfriend!" She barked.

Marie blushed deep red. "Amelia! I'm not your girlfriend. We are only friends!" She tugged Amelia back by the sleeve of her leather jacket. To Agent Forrester, she gave an apologetic look. "I'm so sorry about this, she always shows up at the most random and inopportune times."

"Marie, if that girl is bothering you..." Amelia growled threateningly. "Nobody bothers my Marie. Marie, I will rescue you from her bothersome presence!" She grabbed her and lifted her bodily onto the bike. She hopped on and Agent Forrester ran towards them with her gun drawn. She fired a few warning shots, but Amelia paid no heed. She simply revved her engine in revolt, made a U-turn in the middle of the road and sped off.

Agent Forrester followed them through town so closely that the FBI-issued vehicle was almost caressing the bumper of Amelia's bike. She wrapped her arms around Amelia's waist and clung there for dear life. She didn't have a helmet and the wind was ripping painfully at her hair.

"Hold on, love!" What did Amelia think she was doing? She got a peek at the speedometer and squeaked. 110?! They were doing 110 mph downhill in the middle of town!

They ran a red light with Agent Forrester hot on their trail. "You're going to kill us." Marie screamed as they drove right through a busy intersection, barely missing a tractor trailer pulling into the turning lane.

~ (^J^)~

"Wait, wait." Gimli interrupted suddenly. "Is this the same Amelia who crashed our wedding? And who locked me in a broom closet in order to try to marry you?"

Marie smiled nostalgically. "Yep, she's a nice girl. A bit overenthusiastic, but nice. She's not infatuated with me anymore, though we're still friends. She's got a real girlfriend now. I'm happy for her. And it was kind of flattering how much she admired me."

Jareth facepalmed and shook his head. "Oh, Marie..."

"Back to the story! Anyway, Ellie was chasing us down mainstreet and-"

~Flashback~

A long line of cars was fast approaching in their line of sight. Marie was screaming her head off and Agent Forrester was honking her horn like mad. Apparently, there had been an accident up ahead and now all traffic was blocked. This did not deter Amelia.

She made a sharp (illegal) right on red and pulled into the parking lot of a Wal*Mart. She dragged Marie, who was protesting all the way, into the store. "Have a sticker!" Said the welcome lady and stuck one wherever on their persons she could reach. So Marie ended up with a smiley sticker on her forehead and Amelia was sporting one on the seat of her pants.

Amelia grabbed a shopping cart and threw Marie into the basket, then pushed while running as hard as she could. Marie clutched the sides of the cart with a death grip as Amelia powered the both of them down the aisles. Left and right, innocent shoppers were forced to leap out of harm's way. Somebody called security and soon they had joined the chase, too.

Agent Forrester was running right behind them, though she was obviously winded by this time. Marie shouted to her, hoping that this wouldn't land her in jail. "I'm sorry, this was not my idea!"

Amelia ended up barging into the greenhouse at the back of the store. She zipped past the plants and nearly lost control of the limited steering when they hit a garden hose, but ultimately made it back out into the parking lot through a side door. From there, she abandoned the cart, lugged Marie back onto her motorcycle and managed to pull away just in time. Now they were on a back road which split off behind the Wal*Mart from the main road.

It was dusty and the bike kicked up a lot of gravel that narrowly missed Marie's head and legs. Amelia pressed on while everyone's favorite agent, who had somehow still managed not to lose them, carried on her relentless pursuit. She was once again so close that the bumpers were kissing cousins and Marie closed her eyes, fearing a crash. All she could see was blood and gore spattered across the pavement and oh God, she didn't want to die...

"We're gonna take a short cut!" Amelia laughed maniacally and gunned the engine again before ducking forward to decrease drag. Marie gritted her teeth and figured, if she lived through this, that she was going to spend money on something completely nonsensical. Her possibly criminally insane friend had inadvertantly abducted her and was now leading them both on a crash course to the morgue. This was almost becoming normal now, strangely enough. The sharp left turn did not jar her as much as it would have two hours ago.

As it turned out, the intended shortcut was through a zoo. Waldman's Zoological Wonders of the World, to be quite specific. Ironically, the bike's gas gauge showed that the poor abused machine was running on vapours even as they pulled up in front of the ornate gates. Amelia once again hauled her towards the entrance with Agent Forrester just a few feet behind, gun drawn and loaded, shouting at the top of her lungs.

Woe to the homeless man who happened to cross Amelia's path with his loaded shopping cart at that moment. "Sorry, gotta borrow this." She said before tossing Marie in the basket with all of the random items he owned. The homeless man pouted, sat down on the pavement and put his head in his hands. Marie frowned. "You shouldn't have done that, Amelia." She scolded.

"Oh, Marie. You're so cute when you care about other people!"

"What is with that woman and shopping carts?!" Gasped Agent Forrester as she nabbed a skateboard from a passing teenager after flashing her FBI ID. She took off after them at breakneck speed past the elephant exhibit, through the aquarium tunnel, and right by the aviary where tropical birds called out their displeasure at having a shopping cart careening through their man-made jungle. They were crossing a bridge when the left front wheel caught in a pothole.

The cart bucked forward, launching Marie headfirst into the boughs of a Sweet Gum tree while Amelia merely tumbled forward head over heels. Instead of fleeing, the captivity-reared bird which had been residing in the tree began to violently peck Marie's forehead. Marie scrambled down the tree, still dazed and helped Amelia to her feet. "Can we stop now?" She inquired wearily.

"No! We must press on!" Amelia yanked Marie towards a tiny nondescript building that lay a few hundred yards ahead. "We've got to hide!"

"In there?" Marie shrieked, back in full panic mode. "You're kidding! They keep lions in there!" There was a sign right above the door that read 'Big Cat Well-Fare' in red letters.

"Only sick ones. We'll be fine!" She assured her with a sweetness that belied her inner complete insanity.

Meanwhile, inside, a very sad thing was about to happen. A lioness had abandoned her cub. It was her first cub and she was refusing to nurse it. The veterinary technicians had tried to bottle-feed the poor cub, but it stubbornly refused to eat. Over the past few days it had grown weaker and weaker despite repeated attempts to save its life. Finally, the only thing that could be done was to humanely put the animal down.

Everyone was heavy hearted as they prepared the needle and wrapped the cub in a warm blanket. "Sorry, baby girl." Said one as she wiped away a tear.

Just then the doors burst open and two young women came zooming in. One slammed the door shut behind her and slid down the length of it to sit on the floor. The other saw the cub and smiled kindly. "Aww, I guess baby lions aren't so bad." The vets, too stunned to protest, did not stop her when Marie petted the doomed cub. She looked up at them and saw the needle. "Is she here for shots or something?"

"N-no, she's actually...we have to put her down."

Marie froze in the act of petting the cub, who had warmed up to her considerably. "Why? Is she sick?"

"No, her mother didn't accept her and we can't get her to nurse from a bottle." Said the vet sadly. "We couldn't let her starve to death, so we're trying to give her a peaceful, painless death."

Marie bit her lip and averted her eyes to the cold white tile floor. "Oh..." She had stilled her petting, but the female cub wasn't having that. She nudged her hand weakly with her nose. Marie's gaze shot up to meet the tiny predator's and she saw something there. A defiant will to live that made her smile and want to cry at the same time. "Give me the bottle." She said to the vet.

"Er..what?"

"Give. Me. The. Bottle." Marie enunciated every syllable and kept her eyes locked on the cub. The vet glanced around at her peers, trying to silently get their opinions. They all nodded. What did they have to lose?

A new bottle of special formula was prepared and handed over to Marie. Marie offered the bottle and, to everyone else's amazement, the cub began to suckle. Little streams of milk leaked out of its mouth and down its chin as it grew bolder and sucked harder. "Oh my goodness! You're so adorable!" Amelia gushed, barely stopping herself from glomping her little friend.

"Does this mean you won't have to put her down?" Marie asked nervously, holding the cub tight to her chest in a protective way. The veterinary team's representative shook her head, a wide grin on her face and tears of relief in her eyes. Marie tickled its whiskers playfully. "If I get a license to own a big cat, I could adopt her." She said more to herself than to the others. "Would the zoo let me adopt her?"

The three vets discussed this quietly in the opposite corner of the room. As one, they nodded. "If it is in the cub's best interest, then yes. However, there's a lot of red tape to go through and there's a huge cost involved. You have to have more than five acres as well as the proper fencing and lots of food to prevent nutritional deficiencies."

Marie bit her lip, but was steadfast with her decision. "I haven't got a lot of money, but I'm going to see what I can do." She finished feeding the cub. "I'm not sure what happened here, but she seems to really like me."

The vet nodded in agreement. "It's possible that you're the only one who can get her to drink. Would you stay here with us to help her? We could explain the situation to our boss."

Amelia and Marie both heard the slam of a car door. Amelia cursed and tried to pull Marie towards the door again. "We've got to get going! Sorry, no time!" Marie tried again to tug her arm away, but it was in like being stuck in a vice.

The vet hurriedly unwrapped the decorative silk scarf that Marie'd been wearing. "This has your scent. We'll try feeding her again, but we'll rub the bottle with this first, okay? It could definitely help." Marie did not have time to answer before they were out the door and Amelia had righted the shopping cart, scooped all of the strange things back in it, and hoisting her friend (girlfriend in her mind) into the basket.

Thankfully, (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) the path leading to the exit was both downhill and paved. Marie thanked her lucky stars as the shopping cart gained speed. Amelia didn't bother stopping to pay, she simply threw a twenty at the man who was collecting payment for visiting the zoo. They raced through into the back parking lot and out into the main road. What a sight they must have been on the interstate with hundreds of cars passing a couple of girls driving a shopping cart at twenty miles per hour while vehicles were passing at about eighty.

Amelia was tiring, though. Even someone who had won nationals in Track eight years in a row during their high school and college years would be tired of alternating between running, riding and pushing a shopping cart in the middle of summer on the highway. Marie, seeing her chance to stop this futile effort and perhaps save her reputation, convinced her to make a stop in at a convenience store. Though, stop would be a very strong word for what Amelia did. She simply coasted into the Pillowz gas station while some unlucky customer held the door open and grabbed a bottle of water, an energy bar, and, because she was feelin' lucky, a lottery ticket. She paid for it all in a blur and then zipped out of the store. Unfortunately for them both, she didn't see the car pulling in and the bumper lightly tapped the side of the cart.

There was a metallic crash as one of the shopping cart's wheels snapped and, now fully unsteerable, it ran into the brick wall of the store. Agent Forrester stood at the curb with the borrowed skateboard leaning against her leg, panting hard, one hand holding a Glock and the other clutching her side. "Stop..*huff*...for the love of all that is magic, please tell me I've actually...*puff*...caught you this time!"

Amelia laughed nervously, hands in the air. "Alright, you got us. Just put the damn gun down before you shoot somebody important...like her or me!" She furrowed her brow. "What the hell have you got a gun for, anyway? I've heard of some persistant suitors, but sheesh!"

Marie sighed. "Amelia, I've been trying to tell you this the whole time, but you wouldn't listen." She gestured at the agent, who had just been handed a glass of water and looked like she was about to pass out. "This lady is from the FBI and she was investigating claims against me for mail fraud. I'm innocent, of course, but she was only doing her job. She wasn't flirting with me or trying to be creepy."

Amelia had the decency to look abashed. "Oh."

"Yeah," Snapped Agent Forrester. " 'Oh.' " After catching her breath, she marched up to Marie. "I have never gone through so much trouble to apprehend anyone in my entire life!"

Marie apologized. "This kind of thing happens to me on almost a daily basis, I'm afraid. There was this one time with my cousin at Six Flags-"

The Agent held up a shaking hand. "Enough. I've been through too much today to hear about any other crazy adventure!"

"Are..are you alright?" Marie asked cautiously, afraid that she would be snapped at again.

Agent Forrester was shaking hard and bent over, her hands braced on her knees. "Alright?" She straightened up and Marie realized she was grinning and chuckling. "I'm better than alright! I haven't done anything that awesome in forever! Thanks for the ride!" Her face darkened. "It's a shame that I have to give you over to the authorities, but thanks anyway." She scribbled down a name on a scrap of paper and handed it to Marie. "Here's the name and number of a good lawyer."

"Um..ah..thanks, I guess." Marie mumbled, her gloom returned.

~(^J^)~

"Not to interrupt this absolutely captivating tale," Snape cut in, his tone heavily spiced with sarcasm. "But my question is how in the bloody-arsed world did you manage to land a job with the post after being accused of fraud?"

Marie scowled, put out. "I was getting to that part, okay? Now where was I...?"

"The end?" Snape suggested hopefully.

Hatter plucked the professor on his abnormally large nose. "Hey now, meanie-pants. Stop picking on the small cute one. Or Ah'll stitch mah handkerchief ta yer arse."

~Flashback~

Marie bounced out of court bearing a grin. The lawyer Emory Daniels was indeed excellent at his job. Though the main reason she had not been convicted was due to the unexpected rooting out of the true culprit. The man in question was working at the post office so it was easy for him to redirect packages. Apparently, the warehouse was rented in Marie's name simply by coincidence. He'd picked a random alias and used that to set up the deal.

By all means, she was scot-free. Although, her absences from the Jen & Berrys also meant that she was fired. Now that all of the trouble was taken care of, she had to find a job. That wasn't going to be easy, though. She mulled over her recent unemployment with a bittersweet attitude. It was about time she changed jobs, anyway.

"Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to be Marie Burke, would you?" She turned to see a sandy-haired older man dressed in an odd neon orange suit clutching a piece of paper tightly in one hand. He also seemed a bit nervous.

"Yes, that's my name." She chuckled. "And it's gotten me into quite a bit of trouble, too. Are you a reporter?"

He rubbed his neck ruefully. "Well, no. I'm not. I read about you, though. That chase was really interesting."

"I guess it was pretty fun. If you minus all of the parts where I could have died." She shrugged. "I'm sad that my friend Amelia's judge really threw the book at her. It was just a simple mistake on her part."

The man nodded and offered her his hand. "I apologize for being rude. My name is Incarnadine and I'd like to offer you a job working for my postal service." She shot him a confused look. "You see, you seem like the kind of person that my work requires. You like adventures, right? Crazy, off-the-wall, random things that can pop up anywhere at any time simply because you're around?"

She jumped up and down excitedly. "Yeah! I mean, that absolutely describes me, but how can working for the post office be all that exciting?"

He smiled mysteriously. "Well, it's not usually. At least, not for normal post offices. But my postal service is nowhere close to normal. We attend to a very special clientel that tend to live far away in exotic locations. I haven't really gotten the business entirely on its feet yet, so you'll be one of my first employees. What do you say, my dear?"

She grinned broadly. "I say, you've got yourself a deal, Mr. Carni!"

~ (^J^)~

"I didn't know that Fuji's father was your lawyer, Marie." Alex interjected.

The fight with Candle-you-know-who had subsided and the dust cloud had settled with everyone returned, including the characters from Scandanavia and the World, who were looking more than just a little confused. Gandalf, who'd also been Jack-napped, leaned heavily on his staff and mumbled about how he was getting too old for this."Three hundred lives of men I have walked the earth...and I can't even get social security!" He moaned.

"What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?" Hatter inquired. "Please, do tell me. I have no idea what the price of tea in China is."

"So that's how that happened." Aragorn said, giving the other two characters strange looks. Perhaps the fight with Candle-he-shan't-be-spoken-of had addled their brains? "But what about Ellie, Jeremy, and Alex?"

Jeremy, who was still nursing his rope burns from his scuffle with Candle-you-know-who, sat down heavily beside Marie. Marie reached into her pocket and pulled out a pack of baby wipes. "You've got a smudge right there." She rubbed it away in a motherly fashion.

"Thanks. Marie, do you mind if I tell the story from this point? I was there when Alex and Ellie were hired, after all, I am a Castle Perilous canon character." Marie happily handed him the talking stick and he went on to explain the details.

~(^J^)~

Jeremy had not believed Incarnadine when he first heard the King's idea. He thought it was a simple whim, the interest in which would fade over time. Besides, who would ever believe that there could be an Intercanonary postal service? Of course, it would be very convenient and give everyone something to do, so he reluctantly volunteered to help put things into motion.

Technically, his job was to supervise the portals, bring them up when needed and basically do what he had been doing before this crazy plan was thought up. In addition to this, however, he was also required to recruit new employees. He'd already convinced a substantial amount of people by himself, which was why he was sceptical when Incarnadine asked to help with the process.

Well, more like whined, prodded, and wore more obnoxious clothes than usual just to force him into allowing it. So, as a test run, Jeremy pushed him into the Real World portal that led to Earth. When Incarnadine came back with Marie, Jerry began to panic. "We need...professionals." He hissed behind his hand to the King as they watched Marie put on (and be dwarfed by) her uniform. "Not whatever she is!"

~(^J^) All will become one with mother Russia, da?~

"Hey!"

Jerry shrugged. "Sorry, Marie. Anyway..."

~Flashback~

Incarnadine remained convinced that his decision had been correct, that there was something in Marie that his business needed. But, as the days passed with Marie getting into weird and sometimes mystical situations as often as three times a day, it was clear that something had to be done. The last straw came when what shall only be known as The Banana Boat Incident happened.

Marie came in from Peaceful Pines (a town in the Beetlejuice canon) covered in a mysterious green slime, giggling, and carrying a terrified turtle under one arm. "Daaay-O, me say Daaaay-O!" She sang loudly and off-key. "A beautiful bunch a ripe banana! Hide de deadly black tarantula!" She petted the turtle. "I'm gonna call you Michelle!"

Jeremy and Incarnadine shared a look, then the king sighed. "Marie, it's time I got you a partner. And I know just who we need. In fact, I'm going to go get her right now."

"Really? I've always wanted one!" She gently placed the turtle in the aquarium of the library where it simply chilled out because turtles are cool like that. "Can you wrap her up like a present so it's a surprise? I adore surprises!" She thought for a minute. "If you do that, don't forget to put air holes in!"

Jeremy snickered while Incarnadine rubbed his temples. "Will do." He snickered until Incarnadine left, which was when he realized that he was the one left with Marie, who was dripping slime onto the carpet, and the stoner turtle.

While Jeremy scrubbed slime stains out of the library carpet, Incarnadine was out hunting down Agent Forrester. Agent Forrester had managed to keep up with Marie's adventure and that was a miracle to behold. Looking back, he realized that it would have been smarter to make them a package deal right from the start.

Because he was gifted with magic that was effective both in the Real World as well as in his own canon, the king was able to find the agent with a tracking spell. He rung the doorbell and waited on the stoop, his heart beating fast. "Can I help you?"

He scrambled to his feet. "Ah, yes. My name is Incarnadine, how do you do?"

"I'd be better without the small talk." She scowled at him. "Cut to the chase, what do you want?"

"I want to offer you a position."

"I already have a job." She was about to slam the door in his face, but he caught it and held it open.

"Am I speaking with Eleanor Vidya Forrester?" He asked politely.

"Yes." She replied curtly.

"Then you know Marie Radcliffe. You were the one who caught up with her."

"She was innocent. Case closed. Who cares anymore?" She snarled and tried to force the door closed. He shoved hard against it. Impressed by his strength and persistance, she ceased her efforts for the moment. "What does she have to do with anything?"

Incarnadine had never, ever bowed to anyone in his whole life. But now he kneeled and clasped his hands together. "Please, we hired her and now we need someone to control her! She's insane! She could destroy us all in our sleep with jam preserves! I'm begging you, please!"

Agent Forrester thought it over. "Hm. The FBI is kinda boring me, perhaps-."

"Hey, Eleanor, who're you talking to?" Alex appeared over her shoulder.

"Do you have job for my brother, too?" She asked immediately. "Something to do with his hands, preferably."

The king scratched his head. "Um, he could work on making gadgets and stuff for us. We haven't gotten anyone to work on progressive Intercanonary technology yet, so sure."

"Then done." They shook hands and he pulled up a portal. Alex and Eleanor stared at it with awe in their eyes.

"Oh, and one last thing, can I wrap you both up in Christmas-patterned wrapping paper?"

Jeremy and Marie were waiting back in the library when Incarnadine returned. Marie and Agent Forrester regarded each other politely, at least, until Marie was unable to restrain herself and launched a hug-attack. "Hi! I know you!" She burst out giggling. "Are you my new partner? Or is he?"

"I'm your new partner." Ex-Agent Forrester sighed. "You might as well call me Eleanor now."

Marie frowned. "Eleanor is a nice name, don't get me wrong, but it sounds a bit stuffy. I think I'll call you Ellie. It's sweet. And sweets belong to the sweet!"

Jeremy smirked. "You really have your job cut out for you, miss."

Newly christened Ellie couldn't help a tiny quirk of her lips as she listened to Marie babble on and on. "Oh, I don't know about that. She's not that bad. Actually, she's entertaining. I think I'm gonna like working with her." Her brother chuckled and she quickly added. "But not too much."

~(^J^)~

"You know, smothering people with peach jam while they sleep really isn't that hard." Marie said with a cute, creepy smile. Everyone took a step back from her.

Ellie raised an eyebrow. "I don't know who you are, but I like your style."

Marie's smile melted. "Y-you still don't remember? You really don't remember me?" She started to cry a little. "E-ellie! We're b-best friends!" She turned on Hatter. "This is all your fault! Why did you give her the fucking brain bleach in the first place?" She slammed a nearby email with her fist. "There's only one person in the entire world who's ever acted like a real friend to me! Sure, she's a bit violent and sarcastic, but I love her that way. We've been together for so long that I don't know what I'll do without her." She bowed her head, breaking down into sobs. Whatever she was saying after that came out as unintelligible hiccups.

Ellie frowned hard. Those of the group who had known Marie for a long time were too shocked to do anything besides gape at her outburst. Even Snape was without a comment and Gimli was too shaken by his wife's uncharacteristic behavior to even move to comfort her.

Legolas shook off his sadness and shock and bravely approached Ellie. She tensed. "Hello," He said softly. "We haven't talked ever talked much, even when you knew me, but please believe me when I say that, although I did not witness those events, everything that Marie and Jeremy said is true." She gave him a blank look.

Alex put his arm around her. "As far as I know, they aren't lying to you. Eleanor, try to remember."

Legolas took her hand gently. "Look at her, Ellie. No one is that good of an actor. She's telling the truth. She loves you, we all do."

Ellie blinked a few times and a few hazy images flashed through her mind's eye. Partially-remembered memories of her and the other woman laughing and carrying large burlap sacks of...of..letters to lots of places. Always together, very few had them doing something apart. Hesitantly, she walked over and laid a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, it's gonna be alright. Don't cry, don't cry.."

"You don't even know my name, Ellie." Her nose was so red that it looked like a cherry. It was unnerving how much like a child this full-grown woman looked and acted.

"Don't cry.."It was..it started with an N, right? No, that's not right. It started with an M..Murial? Merry? No. Marleen? Mary? No, no, no! What was it? Marmelade? Marsten? "Marie?" She said aloud.