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Chapter 7: Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End
Esme's POV
Once we arrived home from the hunting trip, Alice tasked us all with taking our spouses aside to see how everyone was feeling about things. Carlisle and I ended up having our discussion in the book nook.
"Tell me honestly, how are you feeling Esme?" Carlisle began.
I sighed. "It is hard to know exactly how I'm feeling Carlisle. My heart is a mess of emotions ranging from excited, to nervous, to scared, to happy, to sad, to anxious, to worried, to content, to eager. So really I don't know how to feel at all," I ventured, by way of explanation.
He nodded and sat silently for a few moments before speaking.
"I'm going to miss you, Esme," he said, sounding for a moment like a sad little boy who had been told his favorite teddy bear wouldn't be his anymore.
"I know, Carlisle and I'm going to miss you dreadfully. I want to make good use of the time we have left. I want to make memories with you that will last an eternity. But this is difficult on so many levels. Now that we know who our true mates are...anything intimate we choose to do together feels like a betrayal of them in a sense. Almost like cheating. I know how ridiculous that sounds given that we are still husband and wife, but it's how I feel." I shrugged, knowing that must have hurt him to hear.
Instead, he surprised me by nodding contemplatively. "I know what you mean, Esme. You are my wife, yet even the desire to reach out and embrace you feels wrong now on some level. I think from now on if we wish to be together physically for closure's sake, that before we do so, we should confer with our mates to make sure they feel alright about it. Does that sound fair to you?"
I exhaled feeling extremely relieved. "Yes Carlisle, that sounds entirely perfect to me."
"Good. Then that's what we'll do." He nodded.
"How are you doing with the whole Rose situation? I know that it seems like she has a lot of fury for you, but really, all things told, I think a lot of it is actually passion. Think about it in terms of the way she has been over the years and I think that you'll see I am right," I advised gently.
And he did seem to be thinking about it. I could tell by his expression that it hadn't occurred to him before then. But I had been thinking about it in light of recent events and was fairly certain it had never been only her change she was reacting to.
As a newborn vampire, she would have likely felt the mating pull. At least subconsciously, but Carlisle was already married to me at the time. So a part of her anger was probably due to having feelings she didn't understand and having to ignore them. And just like my own feelings for Edward, she probably assumed they were one-sided and inappropriate. Which I knew from personal experience could cause a lot of self-loathing and shame.
And as victims of abuse, which we both had been in our human lives, those were emotions we already carried anyway. It was difficult - even though you always logically knew it wasn't your fault that bad things happened to you - not to blame yourself on some level anyway.
In my case, it was things like, if only I'd married a different man. If only I'd left the first time he hit me. If only I had listened to my friend who told me she had a bad feeling about it. If only I had gotten help. etc.
In Rose's case, it was probably more like, if only she had walked down a different road that night. If only she had left Vera's before dark or with an escort. If only she had asked her parents to find her a different suitor initially. If only she had turned and ran before they grabbed her. etc.
I knew all too well how much a person could take on those burdens that weren't rightly theirs to carry. And when you already hated yourself for being vulnerable and naïve; When you already felt the shame and worthlessness of having been a tyrants plaything; When you already carried guilt over your own history and the events of your life; falling in love with a married man, in Rose's case, or an adolescent boy, in mine...was indeed a terrifying prospect.
That's why it was so easy, I think for me to relate to Rose. A fact which I hoped would be able to help Carlisle with this transition. And I knew the fact that Edward and Carlisle were a lot alike in many ways would verily help me with mine.
"Thank you, Esme. Now that I look back on all the times I infuriated her over the years, I cannot help but wonder, how many of the times she acted as though she wished to kill me, might have been times she actually wished to kiss me instead. I know that for my part, every time she scrunched her beautiful face up in anger at me, I definitely wanted to kiss the frown off of it, though I refused to acknowledge it at the time. I think I assumed that those desires stemmed from having sired her.
"After all, most vampires don't build large covens, so most siring is done with the intention of finding a mate or companion. I felt no such impulses when I sired Edward, but as a heterosexual male, I wouldn't have. And the only woman I had ever sired by then was you, and I married you, so I suppose I thought it was par for the course. The only other females to join our family were not sired by me, so I really had no viable method of comparison," Carlisle reasoned thoughtfully.
I smiled brightly. "That makes a lot of sense, actually. I love your logical mind, Carlisle. I love that even when you make mistakes you desire to understand them and learn from them. Not everyone is brave enough for that level of self-examination. I'm very grateful that after this transition, you will still be the head of our family."
"I'm glad you think me brave, Esme. I have no doubt I shall need to be, going forward." He grinned.
I laughed lightly. "Yes, I think you will. Emmett's approach was always to simply let the bronc buck, but I do believe you will venture to tame the wild mustang!"
"I must be crazy, Esme." He smirked mischievously.
"You are, Carlisle. You are crazy in love."
Emmett's POV
So, Rose and I went out into the jungle to discuss things. I figured it was safer that way because, with Rose, you never know when there might be yelling.
"Honest truth, Rosie. How are you feeling?" I inquired.
She looked like she was giving it serious thought. "I'm pissed off. But not really at Carlisle."
"You're mad at Alice?" I inferred. Rose looked startled when I said that.
"How did you…?"
"How did I know? Because I know you, Rosie. I know what sort of things are important to you. I know that having choices, having control, is very important to you. Alice keeping this huge secret...you must feel like she took all that away from you," I surmised.
"I do. But I also know how unfair it is to be mad about that." She sighed. "Alice was in a tough spot, Emmett. When she came into the family we were already married. I know how that feels. But also...Bella wasn't even born yet. If Alice had staked the claim on you that she had every right to, Jasper would have been alone for all those years. And he may not have decided to stay with the family. In which case he might never have even met Bella.
"And if Alice had told us then...Edward would have already been with Esme by the time we met Bella and we wouldn't have Renesmee. This family is far better off that things played out the way they did. So mostly, my anger is unwarranted and therefore I'm also angry at myself for being angry. And for taking it out on Carlisle. I'm a mess, Emmett." She admitted, shaking her head in self-recrimination.
"You're gonna kill me for saying this, but it needs to be said," I began hesitantly.
"Whatever it is, you're probably right so just spill it, please," Rose insisted.
"I think you'll feel a lot better after you have sex," I intuited. Rose raised an eyebrow at me. "With your mate," I quickly clarified. "I think you'll feel a lot better after you have sex with Carlisle."
"Why do men always think that sex is the cure for everything?" She huffed.
"It isn't always," I acknowledged. "But sometimes…it is."
"I'm scared, Em. What if I let him down?" Rose frowned.
"Baby, how on earth do you think you could ever let him down? Have you ever seen the way that man looks at you when he thinks no one is looking? Because I have. And I often wondered why it never made me jealous before. I think I assumed I was just really secure in our relationship. I never realized it was because subconsciously I was sensing the rightness of him looking at you that way. My heart knew, long before my head ever did," I reassured her softly.
She paused, seeming lost in thought before speaking. "Did you ever...feel jealous of Jasper?"
"Hell yes." I laughed. "Though I convinced myself it was because he had lived such an exciting life. I tried to believe it had nothing to do with Alice. And whenever she would do little things that would make me feel…things, I always tried to look at it as unemotionally as possible."
Rose started to snicker. "You mean like all the times she'd come downstairs, looking totally beautiful in a new outfit she acquired in Paris or somewhere equally as posh and you'd go on and on about the outfit, convincing yourself it was the dress you were in love with, not the woman wearing it?"
"You noticed that, huh?" I winced, embarrassed.
"Of course I noticed. But I also didn't think anything of it. We were all in denial, every last one of us. Except for Alice. Well and more recently, Carlisle. It must have been so hard for them. Alice especially. If I had her power, and knew my mate was married to someone else and I could see...things transpire between them. Well, it can't have been easy, that's all," she mused.
"I didn't even think of that. Fuck. That must've been so hard for her. Damn it. I know if the shoe was reversed and I had visions like that of her and Jazz? I would have totally lost my mind." I sighed. "How? How do I ever make that up to her?"
"You don't, Em. You just trust that she loved you enough all those years to hang in there, and you give her enough beautiful memories going forward to make it worth her while. That's really all you can do," she wisely advised.
"Thanks, Rosie. You've always been good with advice." I beamed, pulling her into a hug.
"You too, Em." She smiled. "You too.
Edward's POV
"So, how are you doing with all of this?" Bella asked me as we stood in the gardens.
I sighed. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
"Yeah, I guess Dickens really hit the nail on the head there, didn't he?" She laughed.
"Yes, Bella, he certainly did." I grinned.
"In all seriousness, I'm really glad it's Esme for you." She smiled.
"Why's that?" I wondered.
"Partly because Esme is already a mother figure to all of us, so it won't be that weird for Nessie. And partly because she's an amazing fit for you. Esme is beyond elegant. The perfect wife for a classical pianist. I always felt that you and I were trying to merge two worlds. Esme's world is your world. You go together like the stars and moon. You're a matched pair." She stated a note of awe in her voice.
I couldn't help but smile ear to ear. "I think the same of you and Jasper. I saw you, Bella, on the battlefield. The way you looked as we faced down the might of the Volturi. Most of our family were nervous, hesitant even, but you? You were prepared. I know you haven't seen that side of Jasper yet, but as a mind-reader, I can assure you, the two of you are extraordinarily well suited."
"I'm starting to believe it myself," she admitted. "And, so much more makes sense now. Like that time on my birthday. I think now that there was probably a little more to that story than you boys let me believe, am I right?"
I cocked an eyebrow. "You certainly are clever. And you're certainly correct. It was never Jasper, trying to eat you that day. It was me. I didn't want you to see me as a monster. And he offered to take the blame. It happened so quickly, I knew you wouldn't have time to figure it out then. But yes, Jasper was trying to protect you."
She thought for a long time. "So...I cut myself, then you smelled my blood, launched yourself at me, which caused even more bleeding, and he stopped you and the two of you fought and went outside?"
"Basically, yes. Once we were out of earshot, Jasper suggested taking the blame, because of a vision Alice had. In Alice's vision, you knew it was me and you left the family. None of us wanted that," I confessed.
"But that doesn't make sense, because then you convinced the family to leave me?" She questioned.
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. How many of my lies would have to come to the surface before she decided to punch me, I had to wonder.
"We didn't all leave, Bella. Jasper stayed."
"Wait...what?" She gasped, waiting for an explanation.
"When Alice had the vision at your birthday, of you leaving the family, I saw it in her mind. You were happy, Bella. With Jacob. Not ecstatically happy, but content. And so, I started to wonder if maybe you were better off without us. So when I suggested we leave, I thought I was doing right by you. I was wrong, of course, but stubborn. And still believing vampires to be damned, I didn't want that for you.
"Of course, it never occurred to me that your true mate would have instinctively desired to change you and that the instinct would have overridden any other concerns or ideals, but I digress. Alice, on realizing that I was insistent upon leaving, asked Jasper to stay behind. Stating that it was irresponsible to leave you unprotected with Victoria still out there.
"She promised me that Jasper would have no contact with you and would stay in Cullen territory so as not to alert the wolves. He was only supposed to act if she received a vision of you being in danger. The day you jumped from the cliff, he was there, in the water, just before you were. He saw Victoria swimming off at a distance and as soon as he knew you were safe with Jacob, he went after her. He nearly caught her too but her gift helped her to evade him.
"By the time they finally came ashore, you and Alice were already on a plane to Volterra, so it was a moot point since you were out of danger. Well...out of danger from Victoria, that is," I amended.
"Huh, so he really was my hero all along, I just never knew it." She sighed.
Well, that was not the angry response I was expecting. "You're not mad at me for keeping secrets?" I ventured hesitantly.
"No, Edward. I got mad at you for keeping secrets when I thought we were mates. Because intimate relationships need to be open and honest. But I need to start thinking of you differently," Bella began.
"I don't know precisely what our next cover stories are going to be when we leave this island and settle somewhere new. But I do know, that based on what Alice has said about it so far...I'll either be posing as your daughter or niece going forward. So I can't really afford to get bent out of shape every time you treat me like a child." She qualified.
And yet, that just might be the most mature thing I've ever heard you say.
"Alright, well, I appreciate your understanding, Bella. I hope you realize that everything I did, I did with the best of intentions." I smiled gently.
"Oh, I do." She nodded. "But...you know what they say about good intentions."
"Touché." I grimaced. Perhaps I had been a little...overbearing. I knew, going forward, I couldn't afford to make that same mistakes with Esme. Her former husband in her human life had been abusive and controlling. If I even so much as tried to make decisions for Esme as I had been prone to do with Bella (especially while she was still human), I would make a horrible mess of things and it would not bode well. Perhaps that was why we all ended up in the relationships we did. Because we each had issues to work through before we were ready for life with our true mates.
And it made sense, actually. Tremendous sense. I was overbearing, which a newborn Esme would have been afraid of. Rose was skittish of men, so Carlisle's serious nature may have given her pause. Alice was self-conscious, so Emmett's cockiness may have left her feeling inferior without Rosalie to bring him down a peg or two and without Jasper to build her up. And Bella was initially very impulsive, which time and experience seemed to have cured, though I could take no credit in that. But her less rash, more reasonable temperament of recent years was a much better match for Jasper than the way she used to be.
Yes, it definitely seemed that the little Pixie knew what she was doing with all of this after all.
Jasper's POV
"You're an evil genius. " I grinned at my wife.
"Who, me?" She asked feigning innocence.
"Yes you, Silly. I don't know any other fortune teller around these parts who let things play out exactly as they needed to for a good many decades, never interfering with the course of destiny, even though she could've. It's absolutely genius. I would've been tempted to meddle with fate an' probably would've botched everything.
She smirked. "No, no, the genius part, I understand. It's the evil part I take exception to."
"Oh. Well, it's evil because you damn well waited long enough for me to fall head over heels in love with you. Now how am I supposed to let that go?" I fretted.
"Oh Jazz. The same way humans do when their spouse dies. They hang on to the memories. The difference being that we have perfect recall and the memories will never fade. And another difference being, I'm not gone. I'm right here. The only thing that's changing is that we won't be physically intimate anymore. You'll still be my best friend, right?" She asked hopefully.
I smiled brightly. "I wouldn't have it any other way." I pulled her into a hug.
I had to ask her though, "Do you think, I'm gonna be enough for Bella? Edward has given her so much. Renesmee. Immortality. A place in this family. What is left for me to possibly give her?"
Alice looked me straight in the eyes. "Jasper, don't. I know Bella very well because she is my best female friend. And a large part of why I got to know her so well, was admittedly to know what kind of hands I'd be leaving you in.
"First of all, Renesmee was a miracle, yes. But Edward didn't give her Renesmee. Edward wanted to kill the baby in utero, to keep Bella from dying. Rosalie gave Bella Renesmee because she protected Bella from those who wished to do the baby harm. And Jacob, gave Bella Renesmee when he imprinted and kept the wolves from harming her. And you and I, when we brought Nahuel here, kept the Volturi from destroying her like the immortal children. Pretty much everyone had a hand in the upbringing of that sweet baby girl. She isn't just Bella and Edward's. She's everyone's child.
"Second, of all, Edward only gave Bella immortality when he was utterly defeated in his attempts at keeping her human. He tried his hardest to deny her this life because he believed it to be a curse. You would have given her that which her heart desired most, without a second thought, because you are her mate. She knows that. Trust me. She understands you better than you think.
"And third. As much as it pains me to say this...this isn't the family Bella is destined for. Not long term, anyway. Jasper, you joined the Cullens to learn the vegetarian lifestyle, and you stayed because of me. But we both know, your place, and Bella's place, once she wears your mating mark, is in Amarillo, with Peter and Charlotte. You're going to get to be a Whitlock again, Jazz. So as far as giving her family goes, you'll be doing that too," she explained.
I was silent for a good long while. Pete and Char were everything to me, for a long time. And deep down, they still were. I could feel the rightness of what she was saying. The Cullens were meant to be family to me in the same way they were family to the Denalis. Extended family. My immediate family would always be the Whitlocks. My venom family. And Bella would fit in so well there. I could feel it.
But another thing Alice said, that stood out to me was just registering. "Alice, you said something about a mating mark? What's the story there?"
Of course, we all knew about mating marks and most vampires had them. But Carlisle, choosing to run this coven as a family, and be more like the humans, had decided to forego this more basal practice and we all chose to respect that. Though it meant we all tended to get hit on by the Denalis sisters a lot more than other, properly mated males did. But still, it was a surprise to hear that I would be marking Bella that way.
"Carlisle always believed that the mating mark, just like the choice to drink from humans, was optional, given that he had never felt a natural compulsion to mark Esme in that manner. And as the rest of us joined the family, none of us felt compelled to disagree. Because none of us were with our proper mates.
"But there is a strong, undeniable compulsion that happens. I've seen it in the visions. The first time true mates have sex, the urge overcomes them and they mark each other with a venom infused bite," she explained.
I was becoming aroused, just thinking about sinking my teeth into Bella in that manner, so I realized just how strong the actual urge must be during sex.
"Okay, wow, um, we should probably change the subject," I said, needing to think about something less sexy right then.
"Actually, unless there was anything else you wanted to talk about right away, I was thinking it's time for another family meeting." Alice giggled.
"Oh okay. Yep, that works." I nodded, getting a hold of my more carnal emotions and reining them in for now.
"Cool!" She beamed. "I'll let everyone know to gather after their talks."
"Thank you, Alice." I grinned.
"Anytime, Jazz."
AN: Okay, so, I hope a lot of people enjoyed the update! Next chapter will be the family meeting and the fallout from the discussions therein.
Love, Hugs and Blessings from mine to yours!
-BMW!
