Last night is still replaying in my mind, and I can't stop thinking about it, even though I'm going through the song and dance of playing 'favorite teacher.' The students are growing closer to me, telling me what they do when they come home from school, what their favorite movies are. What they want to be when they grow up… When.
I remember reading an interview of another child that saw Georgie Denbrough on the day he disappeared. Another boy was riding his bike in the rain when he stopped to look at little Georgie speaking to someone in the storm drain. He was certain that he was seeing things until he saw Georgie scream and turn away with his arm gone. Blood in the water, a reaching hand. The boy fled before he could see any more. He didn't want to see anymore.
The voices of the students fade into the background when I think about being in Pennywise's position. He had just woken up from his many years of sleep, starving, and he was talking the boy into becoming his first victim. His first meal of the year. My hollow gaze moves to Marcus, who's carving something crude in his desk with the tip of a pen. Rotten, rotten child.
The day finally ends when I accidentally bump into Mr. Miller while I'm leaving my classroom. My binder falls and he drops his cup of coffee.
"Oh, my God! I'm so sorry," I pick up his coffee cup and there's only a sip left inside of it, the rest is splattered on the floor. He grabs my binder, holding it out to me.
"No, it's okay. Don't worry about it. I hope I didn't get any on you," I take the binder and I shake my head, looking at my dress.
He's been quiet lately and he hasn't bothered me since yesterday when we exchanged introductions and had a short walk in the hallway to our classrooms. I'm feeling more at ease around him.
"Let me buy you a cup of coffee to replace the one that I spilled. I know that you probably got what was left in the pot in the faculty office, and that coffee isn't exactly the best. I know a little shop about a couple of blocks away," I nod to the door and then he nods, pulling his keys out of his pocket.
We get into our cars and then I make a right turn, heading straight after that. Once we're at the coffee shop, we stand near the window while he waits for his order. I'm eating a croissant.
"Thank you for replacing my coffee. You didn't have to," he rubs the back of his head and his other hand is in his pocket. "So… How are your students doing?"
I slightly shrug, wiping my mouth before I speak.
"There are many good students in my class, a few slow-learners that just need some patience and maybe two unruly students. Marcus and Brady," the tone of my voice changes when I mention the two boys and I sigh, brushing my hair away from my eyes. As soon as he receives his order, I can politely excuse myself and do some shopping in town before I return to the house.
"I have Brady in my class, but not Marcus. The principle made sure that they're not in any of the same classes together to reduce the chances of them ganging up on any of the other students," he looks at the number on the receipt and then he glances at the sign. Two more numbers and then his order should be up. "Did you hear about that missing group of boys?"
I'm looking out the window as he's speaking and when he mentions the disappearance of a group of boys, I turn to look at him.
"Oh, I don't think so. What happen?" Foolish me, I haven't been reading any newspapers. I should have listened to the radio or watched the news after that day, or something.
"Well, two mothers said they were at the park when they saw a group of boys, four of them, talking to a woman. That was apparently the last time that anyone saw any of them, and the two mothers couldn't really give a description of the woman because they were standing too far away to hear her or see anything. They had no idea what she said to them or if she had anything to do with their disappearance," Mr. Miller shakes his head, baffled by another disappearance.
"I hope someone finds them soon," I say flatly.
Mr. Miller's number is called and he walks over to collect his drink. I head out the door to find that it's drizzling as I wait for him. When he comes out, he shakes his coat and takes a sip of the coffee.
"I must be going now, but I hope that I made up for spilling your drink," I take the last bite of my croissant and then I throw the napkin away. "I'll see you tomorrow at school."
He raises his cup and then we part ways. I sigh once I have my back turned towards him, and I stand under the eaves to search for my keys in my pocket. I could have sworn that I put them in there. As I search, I hear a voice around the corner and it sounds like a student from the school. Come to think of it, the young child sounds like Elliot. He's one of the good students and his future is looking very bright. Elliot is talking to someone, but I can't hear the other person's voice. Strange.
Still, I continue my search.
"Hey! That's mine," Elliot slightly raises his voice, talking to whoever it is that he's talking to. Finally, I find my keys and I step out from under the eaves to unlock my car.
"You want it back? Here. Take it," a feeling of dread comes over me when I hear that voice and then I run around the corner to see Rob kneeling by an open manhole.
Oh no. Oh no!
"Elliot, get away from there!" I run towards him, but Elliot is pulled into the open manhole by his hand. I do a baseball slide into the open circle and then I fall hard on my side, completely missing the ladder that's leading to the ground. When I raise my head to open my eyes, I can hear Elliot kicking and screaming as he's being dragged away.
It only takes me a moment to gather my strength, thanks to the adrenaline, and then I'm running after him. He's being dragged by the back of his shirt, holding his arms out to me as I try to reach for him, but he's just out of reach.
We come to an open area, and when I turn the corner, Pennywise is lifting Elliot off his feet and opening his mouth to reveal his rows of teeth. I rush over, grabbing him by his sleeve.
"Don't, Pennywise! Robert, don't!" I pull at him and he drops Elliot on the floor before he slams his forearm into my stomach, which sends me flying across the room into a puddle. Elliot crawls towards me and shakes my shoulder, getting me to sit up, and I move him behind me as Pennywise approaches.
"No!" I shout at him and then he stops, staring down at me with drool dripping from his chin. Elliot is crying, peering over my shoulder to look up at the terrifying clown.
"You dare stop me, Tsugi? Why?" he snarls, eyes gold and ready to kill.
This can't be the same Pennywise that I knew last night. This isn't him.
This isn't me.
"Please… Please, don't kill him. Elliot is… He's a good student. A good person. He's guilty of nothing," I try to beg with him to spare this little boy's life. Elliot wraps his arms around me and crawls into my lap, hiding his face against my chest as he cries. Pennywise leans down, voice soft.
"Good? As if that matters. The only thing that matters is the fear," he bears his sharp teeth and Elliot jolts in my arms, burying his face even harder against me. Pennywise goes silent, looking in my eyes and he straightens up. "The children you brought me were not randomly selected, were they?"
He knows. He knows, and it didn't occur to me before that he doesn't care whether a child is good or bad. He kills and eats children because they're easy. Easy to convince, easy to scare, easy to kill.
"There is no other option, Tsugi. The child has seen me and he has seen you. There is no possible way that we can release him and trust that he will keep his silence. I am going to have to kill him," Elliot cries harder, and I hold him.
"No, no. Elliot is a good boy. He won't tell anyone if we let him go. Right, honey?" I lean him away from my chest and I cup his small face in my hands. He looks at Pennywise and he's shaking, almost unable to take his wide eyes off the clown.
"N… No. I wo… I won't tell anyone. I p…promise," he stutters, barely able to find his voice. As he continues to stare at Pennywise, I stare at him.
Slowly, I lean him against my chest and then I gently rock him back and forth to sooth him. Elliot will grow up to graduate from high school with honors and then he'll spend a week applying for colleges in New Hampshire, Vermont and Massachusetts. Maybe New York. A college in Vermont will accept him and he'll kiss his mom and dad goodbye as he moves away for his education. After he completes his courses, he's going to open his own restaurant and that's where he'll meet the love of his life and then they'll run the restaurant together, have three children, grow old together and watch sunsets on their front porch until his life is over.
But none of that is going to happen. None of that is going to happen because I can't let him leave. With tears in my eyes, I reach for the sharp piece of discarded metal that's shimmering in the darkness beside me and I hold it near the back of his head.
"I'm sorry, Elliot," my voice shakes as I stab the piece of metal into his small skull.
He goes limp in my arms after tensing from the fatal blow and then I slowly lie him down on the ground. I use my feet and the heel of my hands to crawl away from his still body and I cover my mouth, trying to muffle the sounds coming from within me.
I just killed a good student. A good child.
For him.
Pennywise continues to stare at me in silence and I weakly rise to my feet, using the wall behind me for leverage. I toss the bloody piece of metal at him and it bounces off his chest as if it were a ball of tissue and then I walk to where I came from, but before I do, I speak with my back towards him.
"Enjoy the corpse," my voice is shaky and my shoulders are tense. "Don't come to the house. Stay away from it and stay away from me. Just… Just don't."
I walk off, leaving him to devour Elliot in solitude. When I return to the house, I slam the door shut behind me and the locks are turned. I know it doesn't matter because a locked door won't keep him out. Nothing can keep him out, but doing this is my way of coping with what happened. I slowly walk upstairs, shedding my wet dress in the process and then when I'm in the bedroom, I place the lamp in the dark corner to keep it bright. To keep him away.
I crawl on top of the bed and I hug the pillow against my stomach, feeling nauseous and dreadfully sad and confused. I love Pennywise. I love Robert. But just how much?
I cry for Elliot, for the bright future he'll never have because of me, and I cry for his parents who will go looking for him. I cry because I decided to do something right when everything was wrong. My sobbing softens until I fall asleep, hoping that I dream of nothing, hoping that I'll sleep forever to escape the complications of what happened and what I've become.
Hours and hours pass.
Light slowly fills the bedroom, and I roll away from the window before I open my eyes. I blink at the time, seeing that my alarm hasn't even gone off yet. God, I can't go to work. I wouldn't be able to see Elliot's chair empty and I won't be able to answer anyone that asks me where he is or even worse, have his parents come into the school to ask if I've seen him. I wouldn't be able to handle any of it, so I roll over to fetch my cell phone from my bag to call the school and tell them that I'm not going to be in today because I'm sick.
After I make the unpleasant phone call, I sit on the edge of the mattress and I look out the window at the trees. I feel like crying again, but I just take deep breaths, which helps calm me down and then I do what I always do. I make a pros and cons list in my head, another thing I do when I must make sense of the madness and chaos of a situation.
Pros: I protected myself. I saved Elliot from having to endure a very unpleasant death. I protected Pennywise.
Cons: Elliot's parents just lost their child. Elliot is dead. Pennywise is angry with me.
And as expected, it's an equal amount on both sides. I rub the weariness from my eyes before I remove my bra and panties, tossing my underthings on the floor before I walk to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I scrub my skin, getting the smeared makeup off and the dried tears and then I tap my skin dry with the towel. After that, I comb my hair and then I put my hair up into a bun before I take a quick shower to revitalize myself.
When I emerge from the bathroom with a towel around my body, I'm feeling slightly better. Well, as better as someone can feel after killing a child. I return to the bedroom and then I sit on the edge of the mattress, staring blankly at the floor.
I'm still out of it and I'm feeling hollow, and I know that something is going to fill that hollowness to compensate for what I lost, but what did I lose? I bite my fingernail, thinking about the inner-workings of my mind. Maybe I didn't lose anything. Maybe what's shocking me the most was that killing someone didn't disturb me as greatly as it should have. I felt nothing when I lured those boys into the sewers, so what was different than this time?
The boys that I lured away were 'evil' and Elliot was 'good,' but they were what I considered evil. Others might not agree with me because everyone has their own morals, their own definition of good and evil. Some might have applauded me and some might have sent me to the electric chair, but why am I suddenly so concerned about what others think about me? I never gave a damn what they thought before.
Elliot was a good student and a good person, but Pennywise was hungry and he eats humans to survive. It's the only way that he can survive. If he had morals like most of the people that I know, if he had morals like a human, he would have starved to death a long, long time ago. He kills for a purpose, which makes me think about the reasons that people kill people. I remember reading an article about a woman that stabbed her boyfriend to death because he wanted to leave her for someone else. I remember watching the news and hearing about how a man was mugged and shot for his wallet.
Greed and jealously drove those two people to kill someone, and Pennywise killed a child because he needed to eat him to stay alive. By those examples, his reason makes more sense than ours.
I'm beginning to calm myself down and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I shouldn't have interfered. An African tour guide doesn't get off his jeep to stop a lion from killing a gazelle, so why did I? I shouldn't have been selective and I should have distanced myself from other humans from the start. I was about to do something monstrous and I should just accept the fact that I'm just as much of a 'monster' as Pennywise is.
"Damn it," I rest my hand on my forehead, closing my eyes for a moment.
I move off the edge of the mattress and then I shut the lamp off to darken the corner again. I don't even know how I'm going to begin to apologize for what happened and I don't even know if he'll ever see me again. The water still works, so he can't be that mad if he's still using his powers on this house, can he?
I drag one of the spare blankets off the mattress and then I fling it over the rusty rod that's above the window to shut out the light. I don't know if he can read my mind or if he can sense the realization that has come over me. I don't know if he still cares.
My stomach gurgles and I realize that the last thing that I ate was the croissant, and it wasn't a very good one. I head for the stairs and then I pause halfway down, staring at the wet spot on the floor where I had dropped my dress. It's gone. I slowly place my foot down on the step and then another, eyeing the drops of water that lead to somewhere else as I continue to make my way to the ground floor. Once I'm there, I turn the corner to see the drops leading to the basement and I know that the well is there. He took my dress, maybe for sentimental reasons. Does he think I hate him? Does he think that I'll never want to see him again?
I walk to the basement and then I peek around the corner, staring into the darkness.
"If you're there, Pennywise…Robert…I'm not mad at you and I hope you're not mad at me. I realized something, and I understand now. I was wrong and you were right, and I will never come between you and who you choose to kill ever again," I rest my head against the frame of the doorway. "If you want to see me tonight, I'll be waiting in the bedroom."
I turn to head into the kitchen to grab an apple, a bottle of water and a few slices of cheese from the fridge. The electricity works, but I don't use any of the lights. It will only draw attention to this place and whatever power I use or leave on, it'll be coming from him and I don't want to burden him with that.
I head upstairs to the bedroom to eat and look at the list of the children that I have in my class. I think about what I can do to better help him. It's already become increasingly easier for me since I've removed the choice of being selective because I can't let my human morals interfere with a monster's desire to survive. It would be wrong.
Outside, the sky has remained dark all day, and I've called the motel and booked another week in the same room to keep the illusion that I'm living and sleeping there, instead of here. I'm going to have to spend a few nights there a week or at least be seen in the area to make it believable. And I'm not certain who might have saw me emerge from the woods in a rain and blood-soaked coat, but I removed it before I walked to my car.
I'm still expecting the school to call me, though, and ask me about Elliot and I know that I thought that I wasn't ready before, but I am now. I need to be because I'm sure someone might have thought it was strange that I called in sick when one of my students disappeared, but he wasn't just my student. He was in three other classrooms as well. I make a quick mental note that when I arrive at the school tomorrow, I need to keep my hand to my stomach and act nauseous. Apply less makeup to look sickly.
It's close to five in the afternoon now, and I still haven't heard anything from Pennywise. I wonder if he even heard what I said to him. Deciding to check, I head downstairs and then I pause at the top of the last flight. Pennywise is in his human form and he raises my dress with one hand, blood on the corner of his mouth.
"I had it cleaned for you before I ate the laundress," his voice soft and low, playful even.
I run down the remaining steps and then I wrap my arms around him, crushing the plastic wrapped dress between us.
"I'm so sorry, Robert. I shouldn't have tried to stop you and I shouldn't have…" he cradles the back of my head with his hand, hushing me. I take a deep breath, soothed by his presence and I keep my eyes shut, enjoying the warmth of his body. He removes the dress from between us and he hooks the hanger on the railing of the staircase before touching the side of my face to look down at me.
"Come with me," he kisses my forehead and then he takes my hand, leading me upstairs to the bedroom.
(Find 5AM by Amber Run, and play it while you read this next part.)
We stand at the foot of the mattress, and I can feel the smudge of blood he left on my skin when he kissed me as the breeze softly blows in through the open window. Robert leans closer, almost threateningly, and my skin covers itself with goosebumps. He softly inhales to smell me and I gently grasp the front of his shirt to lean him closer to my face. He gazes into my eyes, reading my mind, and then he slowly nods his head.
I take his face in my hands, kissing him and then I reach back to lie down on the silk sheets. He removes his shirt before he gets down on his knees between my legs and I move my hand down his bare chest before I unbutton his pants. Once we're naked together, Robert places his hand beside my head and I reach for his other hand to place it on my chest. During this, I wonder what he's thinking, if he's struggling to resist the urge to eat me, if what he's seeing is arousing to him. He's the mind-reader, not me.
We were always toys to him, puppets for his use and nothing more. Until now. I know, physically and mentally, I'm not an equal to him and I never will be. How can anyone compete with what he is?
Robert moves his hand down my chest, between my breasts, and he pauses at my stomach before he moves his hand even lower. How does a creature like him know how to touch a woman? Then again, he's been alive for centuries, probably more than that. Maybe even a millennium. And intimacy is something that some people fear, men is something others fear too. He's probably come across a few victims with those certain fears in their mind, a footnote in their novella of nightmares, and he absorbed the reasons why.
His fingertips brush against my opening and I bite my lip, never realizing until now how much I desired his intimate touch. He leans down to kiss my neck and then I turn my head to the side, showing him that I trust that he won't sink his teeth into my skin and kill me. My eyes are closed until I feel something wet drip on my chest and when I look up at Robert, his chin is wet with saliva. I reach up, gathering the warm wetness on my fingertips and then I reach down between my thighs to rub it into myself. That makes his eyes go from green to gold, and he strikes my mouth with his lips to kiss me.
Robert's hand is rough now as he stimulates the pearl of nerves that's hidden among the soft folds of pink flesh and I open myself wider to him to allow him to explore one of the most intimate parts of me.
It's a slow burn, the buildup to the first climax, and when it happens, I grip his forearm and shoulder and my hips rub against his fingers to let the explosion happen. My lips part as I moan and I slide my hand down from his shoulder to his chest and then I turn my head to look up at him. His eyes are now the color of fire, red with hints of yellow.
My dark brown, human eyes move down to the spot between his strong thighs to see what should be there. My fingertips stroke the underside of his member and his skin is smooth and warm against my palm as I grasp him.
"Are you prepared for this, Tsugi? I will be gentle for as long as I can," he whispers in my ear and a shiver runs through me.
I position him against me and then I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clinging to him before he even starts.
"Take me, Robert, yes. I'm yours," he leans down to ease his tongue into my mouth and then I feel his hips brush against my inner thighs as he eases his hard length into my body. I moan against his lips as my muscles embrace him and then he begins to move in a rhythmic pattern, the springs in the mattress creak beneath us.
It doesn't take long for the second climax to hit me and before it does, I touch the side of his face and I look in his eyes as I'm blinded by the sensation. It's so strong that I pull at the sheets, trying to escape from underneath him, but he places his hand on my neck to keep me in place. I touch the back of his hand as the feeling simmers down and I find his thumb, brushing my tongue against it. I open my eyes to look up at him again and they flutter as another climax threatens to slam into me. I move his hand from my neck to my mouth to cover my cries of pleasure and then I writhed underneath him.
I feel like an open wound, raw and exposed, and there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be than right here with him.
My breath is warm against his palm as I murmur something to him and then Robert slips his hand away from my mouth to hear me.
"…into him," I murmur the two words and then his thrusting slightly slows to let me gather enough control to speak. "Turn into him, turn into Pennywise. I want to be with him too."
Robert reads my mind, making certain that I'm thinking clearly and that it's not something I'm desiring because of what he's making me feel. He begins to ease away, but I reach down to press my hand against his hip.
"No, no," I lick my lips, which are red from kissing and then I weakly lift my head off the pillow to whisper in his ear. "Change while you're still inside me."
I rest my head down and his gaze hardens, stunned by my words, and he begins to transform.
White and red begin to cover his face, his teeth shift in his mouth as more of them emerge from his gums and he slowly grows a foot taller as his hair goes from dark brown to orange-red. When I raise my hands from his shoulders, the powdery whiteness crawls down his body all the way to where my gaze can't follow and I can feel his hand double in size against my left breast. And it's not the only thing that doubles in size.
I bite my bottom lip and my eyebrows crease in pain when he stretches me. He's seven-foot, three-inches tall in this form, and he's achingly proportionate. I can barely handle him, but I need this. I need him.
He softly growls, leaning his head to look down at me the same way a predator looms over a prey that's wounded, and I'm at his mercy. He's not gentle in this form, not smaller. I never expected him to be because this is the form he chooses when he's on the hunt and he needs to be rough and terrifying and large. I reach up to touch the red line on his face, still noticing how it doesn't smudge. It doesn't smear under my fingertip because this isn't face-paint, but markings. The tiger has stripes and the cheetah has spots. This is what Pennywise has.
"You're perfect," my fingers brush against his red lips and then I push the silk sheet away from my right shoulder. I turn my head, exposing the skin there. "Bite me. Mark me. Please."
His lips peel back to show the front rows of his sharp teeth and then he slowly sinks the points into my shoulder as his hips move closer to mine. The muscles in my body tense in pain, but the sting of his bite and the ache of his length somehow fuse together to create pleasure. I cradle the back of his head as the smell of blood and arousal surrounds us.
I wince as he relaxes his grip from my shoulder and he licks his lips, cleaning the blood off them. I can no longer use the muscles in my right arm without wincing, but the pleasure I'm feeling numbs the pain. Pennywise lowers his head to lick the wound as he continues to penetrate me and my hands move down his chest as he leans up to stare down at me.
Blood drips on my breasts and stomach and his claws dig into my hips as he moves me against him in the way that he wishes to feel me. I collect a drop of my blood on my finger and then I look up at him, tasting the crimson evidence of his ownership over me. In response, he digs his claws deeper into my hips before covering me with his chest again. I kiss him, keeping my thighs open to let him take from me and then my fingernails dig into the back of his shoulders when another climax builds. This one might make me pass-out.
Sensing this, he touches our foreheads together and then I cry out as he buries his painted face against the curve of my bleeding shoulder.
With my head tilted back, I don't see it, but my stomach glows with light and I can feel a strange warmth fill me. I continue to cling and kiss him as the feeling slowly simmers into soft tingling and then he touches my arm, slowly easing out of me. He lifts me effortless into his arms and then he collapses on his side, holding me. We lie in the sweaty aftermath of our lovemaking and after half an hour, my body is calm again and I'm stroking the side of his face.
I marvel at his colors, looking at him with nothing but adoration and trust, and then I rest my hand on his bicep before I nuzzle my cheek into the pillow.
"I love you, Pennywise. I love you, Robert," his eyes flicker from gold to green when he hears those words leave my lips and he lowers his eyes, uncertain of how to respond. No human has said this to him before.
"We love you too," his response soft and almost shy, and I wearily smile before closing my eyes.
