Chapter 7 - A Job That Slowly Kills You, Bruises That Won't Heal
AN: Content warning for eating disorders.
This chapter kept looking at me from the depths of my google drive and it isn't getting any better, so here it is.
September 21st, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Hokage's Office.
After the ANBU agents left the room, the room glowed an eye-watering blue for a brief moment as the privacy seals were activated.
"Hokage-Sama. Bear-taichō. Thank you for agreeing to meet us in private on such a short notice." The Hokage smiled. "At ease, gentlemen. What do you have for me today?" Genma, Gai, and Raidō rose from a kneel in the Hokage's office and shared one last glance before Genma continued. It was agreed ahead of time that Genma would do the bulk of the speaking, as he had been monitoring Kakashi for the longest. "Permission to speak freely, Hokage-sama, Bear-taichō?"
"Permission granted. You may continue."
Genma took a deep breath. "With respect, Hokage-sama, it is our unanimous opinion that Hatake Kakashi needs to be removed from active duty, and should have been at least nine months ago. Not only is he physically unwell, he is also becoming increasingly unstable and has been endangering himself on the daily. The value of mission completion is far outweighed by the consequences. We request that he be given indefinite leave and assigned to a psychologist until he is of sound state of mind."
Hiruzen frowned. "Kakashi-kun has been successfully completing missions in rapid succession, but I already mandated that he have ten days in between any two missions at the recommendation of our dear commander. That is already a good deal of leeway not afforded to anyone else. That is not usually something I would allow, especially as Konoha is in need of every able-bodied shinobi right now. The only reason this is in effect is that his overall mission count is high, which makes up for the difference. Would you deprive Konoha of even more just because he is stressed? All shinobi are trained in dealing with stress. It's in the job description."
I mean, yes, that's what breaks are for? Dick move, old man. Do you even care about Kakashi? Oh god, I probably shouldn't be thinking this in the Hokage's office. Is this treason? Whatever. Genma schooled his face and neutrally continued, "While he may be completing them now, there will come a point in time where he breaks. Would it not be better to allow him some rest before a mission goes wrong or he goes dark? Hokage-sama, ever since Min—" His eye twitched. "—since the Yondaime passed, you cannot deny that he has been more reckless. A breakdown has been long since coming."
"Are you doubting his effectiveness in the field? Kakashi-kun has always been good at putting personal emotions aside for the good of a mission. He has not indicated otherwise in his recent reports. I see no reason to stop him."
Genma could feel a headache coming on. "No, Hokage-sama." And his temper rising. "I am not doubting his efficacy as a shinobi or trying to deprive Konoha of her resources." Oh, the irony. "I am worried about Kakashi. He's… He is self-destructing and I'm…" Genma could feel his anger and indignation rising and struggled to keep.
Gai and Raidō shared a glance. Raidō stepped forward. "Hokage-sama, we do have evidence to suggest that Kakashi is suffering from anorexia nervosa."
Hiruzen blinked, entirely nonplussed. "What? The female civilian disease?" Even Bear-taichō looked surprised, or at least as surprised as someone could with a face covering her mask.
"...Yes. While it is most commonly diagnosed in civilians, there is nothing to suggest that it is exclusively limited to civilians. Or women. We know for a fact that Kakashi has not been eating properly both on and off missions. While he has always been lean, he is dangerously thin now."
The Sandaime looked ready to object, probably on the basis of "Well, Genma-kun, that's what the ten days off are for! Everything is fine!," but Bear-taichō stepped forward. "What other evidence do you have?"
Genma bit out, "He eats one ration bar a day. Sir. Both on a mission and off of it. He will not eat more unless I force him to sit with me. He has been alarmingly thin for years. And he is in complete denial that he has a problem." An ugly, mirthless laugh escaped his lips. "I can feel his fucking ribs through his shirt. I have been feeding him and checking up on him for four years now, Hokage-sama, and he has not gotten better. While he had periods where he was doing better, he never returned to full health. He looks like he's ready to collapse at any given moment. While some of that is my fault for not reporting it sooner, I would think that you or somebody wou—"
Gai stepped in right before Genma stuck his foot so far in his mouth he would never get it back. "Bear-taichō!" His loud, boisterous voice cut Genma off as Raidō quickly grabbed Genma's hand in an effort to head off his temper. "My Eter—Kakashi has been taking part in my challenges for as long as I can remember. When he last challenged me, he was very pale and looked tired. Still, he challenged me to run three laps around the village. After what should have been such an easy challenge, he spent ten minutes catching his breath. Even as a genin, he has never been that winded after a simple run. I could not convince him to eat lunch with me even though he looked like he was about to pass out. He attributed it to not having had his morning caffeine. On his birthday last week, he—"
Gai cut himself off, hesitating to reveal more personal details to the Sandaime.
Raidō took this as his cue to step in. "I know shinobi all have their...quirks, but I think this goes past that. We have observed enough of his behavior to know it is physically taking a toll, if not mentally as well. Even if it just seems like speculation, it would be a good idea to check just in case."
"Thank you, gentlemen. These anecdotes will be taken into consideration at kakashis next assessment. Thank you, Genma-kun, Gai-kun, Raidō-kun for bringing this to my attention. Your concerns will be addressed seriously and investigated. Unfortunately, I have a meeting with Councilman Shimura I need to get to. You are dismissed."
Still slightly behind the Sandaime, Bear-taichō discreetly signed talk-later-tonight-seven with the hand that Hiruzen couldn't see to Raidō, who twitched his eyebrows in acknowledgement.
Before Genma could say anything, Raidō manhandled both him and Gai out of the office after a sharp bow and a "Thank you, Hokage-sama."
Now that they were alone, Hiruzen allowed the surprise to show on his face. "I don't think I've ever seen Genma-kun that angry at anything before. Have you, Bear-taichō?"
"No, Hokage-sama." Something in her voice softened. "He cares deeply about his comrades. Genma is not an impulsive person, and puts forth valid concerns. It would be a good idea to actually investigate his claims."
Hiruzen pressed his lips together. "They are soft," he sighed. "You know as well as I do that we cannot afford to pull someone as efficient as Kakashi from the field, much less investigate the gossip that runs rampant in this damn village."
"Even so, if something is wrong, it is better to pull him now for a short time instead of having Kakashi break down and have to be permanently removed in the future. He was very close with the Yondaime, and his death hit him hard."
"It hit all of us hard. I lost my wife in the attack. I never expected to retake the Hokage mantle, but here I am. We will not be removing Kakashi-kun from active duty. Dismissed, Bear-taichō."
:: :: ::
Kakashi stood, looking in the mirror of his apartment. As always, he closely and impartially examined his entire body. From the looks of it, he was probably gaining weight. That excess on his stomach and legs definitely hadn't been there before. Actually, neither had the fat on his arms. Now that he thought about it, his face definitely seemed a little rounder. He sighed, knowing that he had fucked up his carefully balanced ratio of eating to training.
After all, he needed to use the fewest resources possible. He strived to be a perfect machine, flawlessly executing his job leaving nothing to waste. A layer of fat that still covered his body meant either that he didn't need to eat as much because he could survive off his own body's excess or that he had more energy he should be using to train and better himself, or both.
Kakashi didn't hate his body, or how it looked, but he was annoyed that no matter how hard he was trying, he never seemed to be able to divert his body into using up all the fat no matter how little he ate. It wasn't really a huge deal, all it meant was that he had to eat less and work harder, but the sheer hunger he felt was starting to affect his performance on missions. Konoha could not afford for Hound to make mistakes. His reputation was as much a weapon as his sword, and even though it had been years since the Kyuubi, Konoha still hadn't returned to its original prosperous state. Even filling up his stomach with chakra didn't help anymore, which was a trick he developed early on for when he forgot to eat.
Even after all this, his body still stubbornly held on to an almost unhealthy sheer excess of fat. Maybe this is a training problem, maybe I'm getting lazy. I'll just have to train more in my off time. It's not like I can do anything else when the Hokage makes me stay in the village for ten days after every mission. Maybe if I do that and eat only half a ration bar a day it will be enough to successfully utilize my fat stores. Maybe it was because Genma had been feeding him too much. He would have to start cooking his own meals just to get Genma off his back without force feeding him. Genma just didn't understand that Kakashi was trying to be the best he could possibly be.
With that in mind, he set out to buy groceries immediately. He had ten whole days before he could take his next mission anyways. Even though the mission to [REDACTED] only lasted two instead of the expected seven days, Bear-taichō still enforced the rule.
:: :: ::
Genma was furious. He glared at anyone who dared glance his way and his anger was so strong that he was accidentally radiating killer intent in a five meter radius around him. The moment they left the building, he body flickered away before Raidō or Gai could say anything.
Raidō sighed. They had all known, going into the meeting, that they would likely be unsuccessful, but it stung all the same. The Sandaime was so focused on regaining power that he couldn't see the forest for the trees. "He just needs some time to cool off. Genma loses his cool a lot quicker when it comes to the people he cares most about."
Gai wasn't happy either. "We did not get a chance to suggest Kakashi's physical or a meal plan with Sandaime-sama. He seemed unwilling to discuss the issue at all," he frowned.
Raidō sighed again. "Hokage-sama will be unwilling to, but Bear-taichō believed us."
"How do you know?"
"She signed it behind our glorious Hokage-sama's back. Hey, do you want to come back to our place? That was we can discuss our next steps when Genma comes back from kicking the shit out of some poor training ground, because I think he might have been too angry to see Bear-taichō's signal."
"Are you sure?" Gai asked. "I don't want to intrude."
"Of course. I've also got a new recipe I want to try, and it's more fun cooking for more people anyways."
:: :: ::
Bear found Genma in one of the ANBU-only training grounds alternatively kicking the shit out of a training dummy and throwing senbon at the surrounding trees. Littered around him were branches he had already managed to cut off by precisely throwing senbon along a branch. Neither explicitly acknowledged the other as they wordlessly transitioned into a taijutsu-only spar. While Genma was good, he was almost immediately reminded of why Bear was ANBU commander. She was good at everything. After just five minutes of getting his ass handed to him, Genma conceded the impromptu match.
"Feeling better?"
"Yes. Thank you, Bear-taichō. I assume you're here about Kakashi?" Bear nodded, but Genma still hesitated. He didn't like interfering with other people's lives, even though it was for Kakashi's own good. "Can we talk about this at my apartment? Raidō and Gai are almost undoubtedly there, and you're welcome to stay for dinner if you like. Taichō."
Bear grinned behind her mask. It seemed the little hothead hadn't noticed her message." Ah, well… it worked out anyways. "Thank you. I also had my concerns about Kakashi, and I am glad to see that someone else is keeping an eye on him."
In companionable silence, they set out for Genma and Raidō's apartment.
:: :: ::
When they arrived, Raidō and Gai already had dinner ready. Bear removed her mask and quickly casted the customary henge for when ANBU operatives had to take their masks off. "Taichō!" Raidō exclaimed. "See if you can guess the secret ingredient we put in the sauce."
Genma laughed. "It better not be multivitamins again."
"Dammit, Gen, you're no fun. You were supposed to let her guess!"
"Sorry that I think our commander should get a heads-up if she's about to eat sand."
"That was one time! You know we fixed it!"
Through their bickering, Gai explained. "Raidō has been trying to sneak as many nutrients into the food he and genma bring for Kakashi. It seems tonight you will be a test subject for Noodle Dish #6. It's actually not bad, but the sauce is indeed a bit...gritty."
"Hey! You said it was fine, you traitor. You try pulverizing multivitamins that smoothly. No matter how fine it is, it always comes out in the sauce."
As both a taijutsu powerhouse and a very good cook, Gai immediately crushed four multivitamins and incorporated them into his miso soup. He passed the bowl around for a taste.
"Oh, for fuck's sake. You mean I've been eating sand for months for no reason?" Genma glared at Raidō.
"Sorry, Gen, but I don't see you volunteering to crush multivitamins."
After dinner, the lighthearted atmosphere quickly turned serious.
"Not to be blunt, Taichō, but why did you believe us?" Genma asked.
She hesitated. This was coming close to breaking confidentiality. "I don't quite yet, but I do know something is wrong. I've only been commander for five years, but I've been in ANBU since [REDACTED]. I remember how different he was under Minato. He has been in the missions office exactly ten days after any mission he gets back from, no matter how long it was. Before I forced the sandaime to do that, he would try to take missions even with chakra exhaustion. The minute he had enough chakra to fill a thimble he'd request another one. I put the moratorium in when it became clear he wasn't going to stop." She sighed.
"Shinobi who do this for more than a few months usually burn out quickly and end up being retired from active duty. Or they die when they hit their breaking point in the field. Kakashi's been doing this for years now with no sign of stopping. This either means that he's that good, as the Sandaime seems to think, or that whatever blowout happens is going to be proportionately huge. Unfortunately, with the current political climate, Hokage-sama is very focused on showing Konoha's strength. Hound is an agent to be feared."
Bear smiled sadly. "Also, nobody wears two layers of clothes in this weather."
"When I first started bringing him food, it was like he forgot to eat or just didn't bother to. He protested me bringing him food, but would finish the meal without issue. But as time went on, he started to protest having to eat. It's hard to get him to eat now, much less finish the food. I've had to chase him around because he literally runs away."
Gai continued. "If this started three years ago, I know for a fact that he ate a better variety as well. I often challenged him to cooking competitions, and he is actually a decent cook."
"That's why I've been trying to pack nutrients in all his food," Raidō chimed in.
As they pooled information and traded anecdotes, it became undeniable that Kakashi was unwell, and had been for a long time coming. Kakashi being infamous for things like having chronic chakra exhaustion was funny and a little concerning, but in this new light it was much more damning. His less than average stamina had been a surprise, considering the powerhouse Sakumo had been, but it was chalked up to the fact that his mother had smaller coils. Now it was potentially due to a straight up case of malnutrition.
Still, they knew they needed more evidence to firmly convince her, so Gai suggested the physical exam. His current estimate of Kakashi's weight was the clincher. Even Genma and Raidō hadn't known that part. But they weren't surprised either.
Genma knew she was convinced when she saw her eyes widen at the number. "Bear-taichō. If we can force Kakashi to get a physical at the hospital, we might be able to make a case on his physical condition alone. Along with weight, both low bone density and chakra depletion are all undebatable signs of malnutrition. Sandaime-sama won't be able to ignore that," he bitterly said. "And we all know that "concerns will be addressed" is Hokage-speak for "I'm going to do fuck all about that."
Bear frowned, but did not comment. He wasn't wrong, and everyone in the room knew it. She was glad they trusted her enough to speak frankly, especially when concerning the mental wealth and hellness of her shinobi. It was why she had an honesty policy in the first place—both parties trusted each other that private conversations were actually private unless it concerned the well-being of the village. There was some flak at the beginning because she was very different from the previous commander, but she had learned a lot more about her shinobi this way. And they were hers.
(The belief that all the insignificant little things combined together made a difference was why the Yondaime appointed her ANBU commander when he took the mantle. The more honest assessments of their temperaments and abilities meant she was able to better assign missions. Bear knew the Council was suspicious at first and that many thought she was soft, but mortality rates under her command had fallen thirty percent so they could go fuck themselves as far as she was concerned.)
However, it did not bode well that two out of the three people who could do the Hiraishin felt this way about their military dictator. But that was a future problem, and not her problem. It would be up to the Sandaime to regain their trust.
As she rose and donned her mask to leave, she addressed the shinobi in front of her. "Thank you, gentlemen, for bringing this to my attention and having the courage to speak frankly to the Hokage, even when you knew he would not want to hear it. I will see what I can do about the physical, and after what I've heard, a psych evaluation from Yamanaka [REDACTED] would not go amiss. The physical should not be an issue because he is long past due for one. Continue to closely monitor him, and do not disclose to anyone what was discussed tonight. Submit a finalized meal plan for weight gain in the next twenty-four hours."
"Yes, taichō!" All three musketeers stood at attention and saluted.
"Good work." Her eyes softened, hidden by the mask. "Dismissed." And with that, she disappeared into the night.
AN: Bear-taichō's identity is so secret even I don't know who she is.
