Wow, I'm finally back. Between all of the difficult classes I'm taking, falling ill, and my Internet shutting off spontaneously, I'm surprised I wrote this up period.

So, I've been doing some soul-searching (not that you care) and I think I'm finally starting to find out who I am. I might post it on my profile later. If you ever want to talk to me about something like that, feel free to Pm me! Oh, and thanks so much to all of you readers and reviewers! I think I replied to everyone... P.S. I don't own BTR. This is a flashback of their first big fight, and the rest were smaller ones that branched out from this one. So, it kind of explains things but not really :D Oh, and CelestialSonota7, thanks for supporting me through all of that above junk!

So, instead of dedicating this to someone, I think I'm going to give you guys a quote from a great book I read yesterday;


"I think you're both insane." I said.

"You shouldn't say that," he said, suddenly serious. "Insanity is no joke."


Chapter 6


James sat on his bed, spread out with a picture frame above his head, held at arm's length. He remembered that day. It was so warm, so happy, so peaceful…

There was the creak of his bedroom door. Struggling to sit up quickly, the frame slipped from his fingers, smacking him in the face.

"Ow."

Logan stuck his head into the room with a puzzled expression. James hastily threw the picture out of sight, crossing his legs and trying, yet failing, to act chill.

"Sup?"

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Um, okay. That wasn't weird. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know we're all going swimming…" he took in James's forced look of innocence. "Okay, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Right." Logan strode in, sitting on Carlos's bed. "Something you want to talk about?"

James sighed. "Logan, why do you always do that?" Logan gave him a confused look. "Like, where you can just tell I'm lying. Then you can always make me feel like I should tell you what's on my mind. I don't get it."

Logan smiled. Score. "Oh, you know. Friends do that. Now, are you going to tell me what's on your mind?"

James wringed his hands, fidgeting a little as he sat up again. "Well, I was looking at this picture, and… I just sometimes wish, I wish it was like when we were little. You know? Like how easier everything was."

Now Logan felt more confused. "Easier? We're living in L.A. with a rich guy paying our rent every month. Doesn't get much easier than that, James."

"No," James sounded frustrated. "Not that kind of easier. Like, how we didn't have to think of things that happened. How we didn't overanalyze things, or feel guilty. All we cared about was having fun and what adventure was next."

Logan nodded his head, running a pale hand through his hair. "I think I understand. But could you elaborate a little? I mean, explain?" he added, just in case James didn't know what 'elaborate' meant.

"Well, I was remembering how my parents, they were together. Then when they split, my dad started going with that woman that was fifteen years younger, and I just kept thinking. Like, what if it was my fault? What if, somehow, he needed that other woman because me and my mom weren't enough?"

Logan walked the length of the room to sit by his friend. "James, that is ridiculous. Your parent's divorce was never your fault. Trust me."

James smiled. "Really?"

Logan laughed a little. "Of course. Besides, you don't have it so bad."

James's smile faltered. "What?"

Logan cleared his throat. "I mean, it's not like you had it so bad. With your parent's divorce and all. Sure, they split and don't talk much now, but everyone moves on."

"What do you mean I don't have it so bad? I don't even know whose side I'm on. My mom was married to her job, and me and my dad could never defy her. But then my dad remarries to some stranger who is fifteen years younger… my childhood was so confusing after that."

Logan sounded like he was backpedaling now. "I'm not saying you had it perfect James. I'm just saying, you had it better than a lot of people, and you should be grateful. You still got to see both of them, and now you get to live your dream with your friends."

"Logan, that has nothing to do with anything!" James cried. "And what do you mean we're living my dream? I thought this was everyone's career?"

"It is! But it isn't my dream. I still plan on becoming a doctor…" James gaped at him. "What? This is a boy band! We won't be boys forever, you know!"

"You plan on quitting Big Time Rush?"

"Eventually! I still have other hopes and dreams to accomplish you know!"

James jumped up dramatically. "Where is this coming from?"

"Where is what coming from?" Logan snapped back. "Look, we all came out here to L.A. We're a singing group, like you've always wanted. But eventually I want to accomplish my dream of going into the medical field! If anything, this is just holding me back!"

"HOLDING YOU BACK?!"

"See! This is why I don't try to make everyone understand! Everyone thinks I'm just some big traitor because I have my own life! I never said I hated being part of Big Time Rush, you know."

"Well," said James. "How else am I holding you back? Anything else I need to know?"

"Oh my g- James, you're so dramatic! We were having a fine conversation until you realized that not everyone in the world wants to live your way!"

"We were talking about my childhood trauma until you changed the subject!" he shot back.

"Trauma? Really James?" Logan laughed dryly. "See how over-the-top you're making this?"

"Okay, fine. You want to be a doctor someday. I get that. But what about the rest of us?" James inquired.

"What about the rest of you?" Logan asked in bewilderment. "Gosh, does everything have to be about you all the time?"

"What?! I'm not making this about me! I just want to know what you think! Sheesh, I'm trying to see things your way!"

"No you aren't! You just want to know how you can remain famous and great!"

"Is that what you think? I never mentioned fame, I just wanted to know what happened once you decided to leave all of us behind."

"Leave you behind? So you think because your parents divorced, they were really leaving you behind because they took their own path? You have everything James, and all you can think about is getting more!"

James looked shocked and angry all at once. "Everything? You think that living with a mom I can't say no to is having it big? I have a best friend who is great at everything. I have a best friend who is the nice one that makes everyone laugh and smile. Then there's you, who is the smart one. Where does that leave me?" James didn't wait for an answer. "No where! That's where it leaves me! I have nothing! I'm not smart like you, Logan! I'm not energetic and happy like Carlos! I'm not driven and leader-like like Kendall! Without this, I'm nothing. And now, you're telling me I have it all made, when you think it too. I'm nothing."

"James, I never said you were nothing. I just think you need to work things out, get your priorities straight."

This was not a good answer.

"Hey!" Logan was now outside James and Carlos's room, the door slamming inches from his nose. "L.A. ruined you James! You know that? Have you ever noticed that when something isn't about you, or something doesn't go your way, you fall apart? Well, I hope you keep that in mind, because you're going nowhere! You watch; ypu're going to fall apart, and your dreams won't be far behind!"

The door swung open. "Yeah? Well at least I know to include my friends in on everything. I would talk to them before I plan to ditch them for myself." Logan rolled his eyes. "Oh, real mature Logan! If our friendship means about as much as an eyeroll, maybe I'm glad I found out your motives now!"

"Motives? Wow."

The door slammed again.


That was a few weeks ago. Ever since then, the two boys were on edge, taking everything the other said, and placing it into a worst case scenario folder in their mind. Everything Logan said, James took it as him saying 'but of course it doesn't matter, because I plan on leaving the band.' And everything James said, Logan took it as 'I'm being over dramatic because I only care about myself.' I didn't take Carlos long to catch on, and it didn't take Kendall much longer. The two boys watched as their friends' friendship crumbled in front of them, and they stood, helpless.


Finding it hard to pick a side? Good. That's how I like it. But if you did pick a side, you need to tell me whose it was! Thanks for reading, I tried to make it so it cleared a little bit of stuff up, but I want you guys to take it how you want, so I left it a tad foggy.

This footer is dedicated to Shayne Blank. I think I've finally found myself. Thank you.