May came and with it warm weather, bare feet running around on the wooden floors of the rental house, and a big round 24 week baby bump. Meredith could no longer see her feet and it was getting hard to hold Bailey, let alone wrestle him down to change his diaper. Let alone getting up from the floor from changing his diapers, standing up from the couch or chairs by herself, or really do anything with the kids.
She refused to get a nanny. She would not be Ellis Grey and have her children be taken care of by nannies. She was chugging along with her neuro fellow, while keeping up her General hours, taking a few minutes each day to put her feet up in the attendings lounge and try and take a load off her aching feet and back. She was determined to do this, juggle all three: work, children, and pregnancy. She had to, it was Derek's legacy, Derek's children, Derek's unborn child that was kicking her constantly. She welcomed it all, though, especially the kicking, knowing that a part of him lived on in not just Bailey, but in their unnamed baby girl. She was still in awe that they had managed to conceive a miracle baby, and right around the time they had decided to start trying again too. Hostile uterus be damned, there was a thriving and healthy baby in there.
Some days were better than others. Some days she could push it all away, the days she dropped Zola off for a day at kindergarten, Bailey at the hospital day care, and power through a day at work, a day full of carnage or routine surgeries.
Then there were the bad days, the horrible days, where she cried herself to sleep, where Zola asked her if she was okay, where she walked into the hospital with eyes ringed in red and avoided the glances from her co-workers. She had a past, she had a story to tell, and I certainly wasn't going to be repeated here in San Fransisco. She was here for one purpose and one purpose only: to work, to escape Seattle and Grey-Sloan. Too much had happened in her years there, too many people had been lost. She knew if/when she returned she would have her extended family back…but that was a big if, in her mind. She would rather raise her children away from the city that had taken everything from her, or at least, that was the way she felt. She knew she still had a father but they were still estranged. She wasn't even sure he knew that she had two children, that he was a grandfather to two more children than just her half-sister Molly's children. But really, that was just another thing she was running from.
Today was a typical day in her new life. Drop Zola off, drop Bailey off, round with her interns, see what surgeries she was scheduled for. It was a typical day until she saw a familiar name on the OR board. "A. Montgomery". Meredith froze completely and backed up a few steps, bumping into someone.
"I'm so sorry I was just getting to the OR…" she started, whipping around. Of course. It had to be Addison.
"Meredith," Addison countered with a smile, looking down at Meredith's protruding bump. Inwardly Meredith was groaning. Of all cities in America, of all hospitals in the country, of all places in the country, she had to bump right into Addison – literally.
"Addison," Meredith said curtly, forcing a smile. The two women were finally on good terms after years of shuffling back and forth, but not today – Meredith did not want to do this today, this week, or even in this lifetime.
"Funny bumping into you here. Did you and Derek relocate? He's always had a thing for ferry boats," Addison said with a smile. "And look at you! He always wanted a big family. How many kids do you guys have now?" she said.
Oh my god. She didn't know. She was completely oblivious. Meredith bit down hard on her lip and frantically grabbed her by the arm, pulling her into the nearest on-call room and shutting the door.
"No one told you? I mean we called you about Mark, but no one called you?" she said, eyes wide, hands protectively on her stomach. Addison looked alarmed and searched Meredith's face, her own face crumpling and fearing the worst. Did they get a divorce? Was she pregnant with someone else's baby?
"Tell me what? Meredith, what happened?" she said, her voice hushed as she sensed the panic in the younger woman.
"D-Derek is dead," she managed to get out, swallowing the huge lump in her throat. It was the first time she had said it outloud in five months. Five entire months had gone by without her acknowledging, outloud at least, that her husband was dead. "There was an accident. He stopped and helped 4 people get to safety, and then his car got hit by an 18 wheeler," she gulped, putting her hand on the wall to steady herself, before looking up at Addison again. "I ran after the funeral. I….I found out I was pregnant the day I unhooked him from life support. He was brought to a hospital without a trauma center. Addison, they neglected to do a head-CT. He bled out into his brain," she said, her voice barely a whisper.
In the next moment she felt arms around her as Addison broke down. The pair hadn't been married in years, but when you once had that with someone, had that connection with someone…it stayed with you, especially once you were able to re-establish a friendship with them. Meredith felt all of her walls breaking down at once and she buried her face on Addison's shoulder, letting the dam break as five months of unshed tears fell. Being the adult, being strong for Zola and Bailey was so hard, it was harder than she could ever imagine, and she was doing everything she could to keep Baby Shepherd alive in the womb that she didn't have time to cry. But here in the on-call room with Addison, here she was allowed to cry and have a break down, and be the weak person for once, as the ex wife and the widow mourned their loss.
"Oh my god, Meredith," Addison cried, pulling her tighter. The loss ached deep in the pit of her stomach. Amelia hadn't told her. None of the Shepherds had told her, not even Nancy. They had all informed her when Mark died, but no one told her when Derek died. She supposed she deserved that. "Is this your first baby?" she asked her, touching the swell of her bump.
Meredith choked, drying her eyes with the back of her hands and looked up. "This is our third," she said, pressing one of her hands against the wall, trying to steady herself. "Addison, I don't know if I can have three kids on my own. I ran from Seattle and no one knows I'm here. Except for you, now. And you won't be back in Seattle if I choose to go back," she whispered, knowing the situation she got herself into.
All Addison could do was hold the woman close. She knew nothing she could do would make anything better, nothing she could do would mend what was already done. Derek was gone and nothing was going to fix it. But Meredith had two other children and a third on the way. "I think perhaps you should consider returning to Seattle when you emotionally feel you're ready," Addison breathed, squeezing her friend's hands tightly. "I'm not saying tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. Just when you think you're emotionally prepared. You have a huge family of friends, hell you have Amelia there, you know she would want to be a part of your life forever," she said truthfully, knowing Amelia Shepherd and the force of nature she was.
Meredith knew she was right. She knew eventually she would return to Seattle and her friends there, it was just a matter of time. She needed to heal. Time heals all wounds; this was just a massive wound that needed healing and she wasn't sure how much time it would take. She missed Seattle; she was born there and all of her friends lived there, and both of her sisters. Well, sister and sister in law. But to her it was a place of death. Her mother, George, Lexie, Mark, and now Derek. The last one would hurt forever. Maybe one day the pain would be buried deep, but he would be everywhere. All around the hospital, at both houses, in the woods where she had retreated in those final days in Seattle. It was all too much.
"Why are you even here Addison?" she finally questioned, trying to ignore the rest of the conversation.
"Oh! I was called in on a consult. I was trying to find the attending's lounge, and then somebody bumped into me," she said slyly. "I won't tell anyone about the crying if you won't," she said, hugging Meredith again.
"Thanks you," Meredith said, forcing a smile. "I'm attempting to become a hot shot Neurosurgeon like our husband was," she said, suggesting a joke. It felt weird, saying 'our' husband, but you know. "I was in general, but suddenly Neuro seems like a better choice. You know, it's a beautiful day to save lives," she said with a heavy sigh. "That reminds me, I've got to get to the OR. But if you have time after your consult you should come over and meet my kids," she said, brushing past Addison on her way to the OR.
Later that day Addison stopped by Meredith's office on her way out, poking her head in. "You told me to ring if I had time?" she said with a smile. Meredith was already dressed to go home, and Addison had to guess she was at least 24-26 weeks pregnant. Meredith stood and grabbed her jacket and keys, first leading Addison down to the daycare. She disappeared inside and came out with a little blonde boy, his eyes unmistakably Derek's. "This, is Derek Bailey Shepherd," she said with a smile to Addison. "Bailey-Boo, say hi to your Aunt Addison," she grinned. Addison was in love with the boy already. He looked just like Meredith except for the eyes. Oh, those eyes. He was going to be a heart breaker. "And now we go to pick Zola up from kindergarden," she smiled, leading Addison to her car.
Once at the school she disappeared again to fetch Zola, buckling her into her seatbelt. "Zola was part of an exchange program; we brought orphans from Africa that needed surgery and Derek and I fell in love. She's been ours since before she turned one. She was born with spina bifida but has a shunt and is completely fine," she explained, peeking at Zola in the rear-view mirror. Both of her miracle children alive and well. Addison was impressed. One night stand to three children. Dark and twisty to….well, still dark and twisty, but she had a family. She had managed a life for ages with Derek.
"I have to say, I'm rather impressed. The last I saw I wasn't sure either of you would have been capable of all of this," she admitted with a small smile. "Have to admit that I have a son of my own in LA. He's around Bailey's age" she said, thinking of her boy in LA. Meredith had to smile. She knew Addison had had an abortion, and had always wanted to be a mom. Meredith had been coerced into it but ended up loving it.
The carload got back to Meredith's house and Meredith got the kids their dinner, and then after she got them ready for bed. They went down easily, which was great, and left time for Meredith and Addison to catch up in the living room about the past few years of their lives and their careers. They talked late into the night; Addison was leaving in the morning and who knew when they would see each other next? Meredith promised to keep in contact with her since she wasn't talking to anyone else.
For the first time in months, Meredith went to bed in her actual bed, and she slept through the entire night without a nightmare.
I wanted to add Addison in here and have her find out about Derek so I figured I'd pop her in having a consult at Meredith's hospital, as random as that is. I feel like it worked well the way I wrote it and I really liked how this chapter turned out! I'm used to writing narrative and not dialogue so I'm working hard on dialogue; it's worse because Meredith is mainly alone so a lot of narrative works here, but keep following and reviewing! I love feedback! Next chapter should be up in a few days :)
