Splitting Colors


Chapter 7


Grey clouds roll in and darken the morning sky as Sarah hikes to class alone. Her head is hung low and her hands are stuffed into the pockets of her jacket as usual. Carlos had just dropped her off, and she'd left the car without hardly even speaking a word for the entire drive.

She hardly got a wink of sleep last night. Insomnia is nothing unusual for her, but all she'd found herself thinking about was the fact that Clementine had kissed her in her room the night before.

It hadn't been just any kiss. Well, Sarah can't exactly say she's had one to compare it to. Nonetheless, it left her feeling like Clem's lips were still pressed against hers long after the other girl had left. It was absolutely terrifying, and wrong, and unexpected all at once. And the worst part of it all is that Sarah actually liked it.

Then she'd told Clementine to leave, and Sarah had cried softly to herself for a good hour after that. Even the next morning, she wants nothing more than to bury herself away and never come out again. She'd felt awful about it.

"Sarah!" a car door slams from somewhere next to her, and thunder rumbles from above.

Sarah keeps walking. She doesn't want to talk to Clementine right now. She can't. Not after what Sarah had said to her last night.

"Sarah," repeats Clem, her voice louder and closer now. The sound of keys jingling and the car beeping sounds from somewhere behind her. "Please, just wait," she says.

Sarah stops in the middle of the pavement, her back turned to the other girl. Her gaze remains lowered and she doesn't meet the girl's eyes, but she turns her body in the slightest, listening.

"Look, I—I know you're mad at me but please, just listen, okay?" begs Clem frantically.

Sarah remains unresponsive.

"I shouldn't have kissed you," blurts Clementine after a while, sounding as if she's out of breath.

Sarah's heart nearly stops.

Thankfully, there aren't many people around outside to hear. Most of the other students are already inside or quickly making their way there in search of shelter from the approaching storm. If anyone is walking past, they probably won't be able to hear very well from the rain, anyway. Clementine doesn't mind the weather, though. She'd noticed Sarah walking just as she'd pulled up into the school parking lot, and now she can't let the girl take another step further away from her.

"I—I wasn't thinking and—and I was just… I wouldn't have done it if I knew it would upset you. And I'm sorry," confesses Clem. "I just wanted to hang out with you because… I really like you. And I shouldn't have said what I did."

Sarah only stands there, her back still turned and her mind racing through so many thoughts at once. She hadn't expected to speak to Clementine today. A part of her didn't even want to see her. It would have been too humiliating – too painful. But clearly the other girl had thought about what had happened, too. Sarah wonders if maybe she cried herself to sleep as well, then she realizes how unlikely that is.

"I understand that… that you have a hard time trusting people. And I get that, I really do," Clementine continues, her voice softening in the slightest upon remembering everything they had talked about the night before. Her eyes alone are practically pleading with the other girl's backside to just turn around and talk to her - to say anything.

Slowly, Sarah turns even further. Some of her hair blocks her face, but the dreary expression she wears is visible enough for the other girl to know that it's there.

"Look, I don't know what happened at your old school but I am not like those people, okay? And I'm not like Becca or Natalie either. But you need to put those things behind you and… just see what's really in front of you."

Finally, the two meet eyes. Clementine's are desperate and pleading, but Sarah's are nearly blank - as if she isn't taking in a word of what the other girl is saying.

Sarah only watches her for a moment. Strands of wet hair are beginning to latch onto the sides of Clem's face, that purple baseball cap becoming soaked with water. "You don't get it, do you?" Sarah finally speaks up.

The other girl is clearly at a loss of what to say anymore. She hadn't expected her to say that.

"All my life, all people ever did was put me down," Sarah explains. Her voice is soft, and she speaks slowly. "They practically made it their life goal to make sure that I knew I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't deserving of feeling like I mattered to anyone. How am I supposed to put that behind me?" Sarah had briefly mentioned what the kids were like at her old school, and she'd felt like an idiot for suddenly becoming so open about it. But now, she doesn't care what Clem knows anymore. It happened so often that it was never a secret, anyway. "You have no idea what it's like," Sarah's voice raises unintentionally. "You walk through this school, and it's like everyone clears a path for you. But me? Nobody even looks at me. It's like I'm invisible."

Clem takes a step closer. "Not to me," she says, her voice firm. She refuses to believe that. "Sarah, you can't just keep… pushing yourself down like this. It doesn't make anything better."

"That's easy for you to say," Sarah almost interrupts her. Her heart feels as if it's tying in a knot from all of this. "Look… I'm not pretty like you, I'm not popular, I don't have all these friends, I'm just… nobody. Okay? It's something you'll never understand," her voice falters. She turns to walk away, indicating that the conversation is over.

"Then make me understand!" Clem chases after her, only allowing the other girl to take a few steps before stopping again.

"You don't…" Sarah raises her voice again, then stops herself. Her eyes squeeze shut, and there's a tingling sensation in her nose that tells her she's about to cry. "You don't get to do this to me." Her voice cracks, breaking as the words go on.

"What are you talking about?" asks Clem. The rain picks up, thunder sounding from above once more.

"I'm—I'm not just another one of your…" she scrambles for the right words, unsure how to phrase it. She doesn't need to finish that sentence though, Clementine understands what she's saying.

"What is it with you and thinking I wanna just… sleep with everyone?" Clementine argues, suddenly flustered.

"Because I know what people say about you!" retorts Sarah.

"And what exactly do they say about me?" tests Clem, losing patience.

Sarah shakes her head, realizing how ridiculous this all is. "Nothing… forget it," she turns to leave again, but Clementine only follows her.

"No, tell me," insists Clem.

"I said forget it," Sarah allows herself to be stopped once more, resisting rolling her eyes at the other girl for not just dropping the subject all together. She doesn't want to talk about this.

"You're really going to let what people say get in the way of everything else?" bickers Clem. "None of that matters. High school does not matter. It's all bullshit, anyway."

"What about Gabe?" Sarah asks before even thinking about it.

Clem creases her brows, confused at the sudden change of topic. "What about him?"

Sarah sighs exasperatedly, wishing she didn't just say that. She never thought she'd speak to Clem about any of this. They were only thoughts in her head – never meant to be spoken aloud. However, at this point, Sarah finds she's becoming too furious to hold anything back anymore. She figures she might as well ask this now. "What is he to you?"

"Nothing!" Clem defends, understanding what she's getting at. "He's just…" she groans in frustration. "Look, he doesn't matter to me!"

Looking away, Sarah scoffs at her answer. "'Nothing'," she mumbles, repeating what she had said.

"Sarah!" exclaims Clem, clearly becoming agitated at how Sarah is twisting her words. "Okay—we fuck! Fine! Is that what you wanna hear?" she shouts.

Sarah is hardly even phased from that confession. Anyone would be stupid not to have already known that. "How can I be okay with you kissing me if I'm just gonna end up being nothing?" argues Sarah.

"That's him, that is not you! what matters to me is you," stresses Clem.

"I thought you said nothing matters," mumbles Sarah bitterly. She regrets saying it immediately afterwards. She, herself, doesn't even know why she's acting this way, but for some reason, she can't help the words she's saying.

"You know what? I'm starting to think maybe nothing does. Because all you do is push people away."

Sarah has nothing to say to that. She only stares past Clementine, watching the ripples of the puddles in the distance. A part of her doesn't even want to bother with this argument anymore. It's as if she's being scolded by a parent. Her eyes become wet with tears.

"Do you really think I'm that awful of a person? That I would just use you like that or something?" Clem can tell by the insecurity on Sarah's face that she just doesn't want to hear the truth, and that only frustrates Clementine even more. "You can't keep being so afraid!"

"Everyone leaves me!" Suddenly, Sarah shouts even louder, emphasizing every syllable.

Just the sound of her saying those words alone is enough for Clem to lose every argument she had. Clementine drops her shoulders, defeated, not even realizing her body had been holding that much tension. She's never heard the girl use such a tone before. She's never heard such pain coming from her voice.

Tears pool out of Sarah's eyes and she shamefully lowers her chin to her chest. "Everyone…" she sobs, her voice breaking. It feels like forever passes between each phrase. "I can't just let that go."

Neither of them speak anymore, with only the sound of the rain on the pavement able to be heard. Sarah takes a breath. She doesn't look at the other girl, but rather stares at the space in between them. She speaks slowly. "You were the one person that made me feel like I was actually special. You actually made me feel like I had something to lose."

Clementine parts her lips, her eyebrows pressed together at the pain of hearing such a confession. She takes a breath, but she can't find the words to say. All she can do is squint at the other girl through the pouring rain.

"Please, just… just leave me alone, okay?" Sarah croaks. She begins to turn around, then stops briefly. "It's better that way," she says, not even looking at her.

Clementine doesn't stop her when she leaves this time.