Haven't said this for a few chappies so…just incase any of you have forgotten or slipped into a parallel universe…NONE OF THIS IS MINE.
Also - this is a long chapter, just couldn't break it apart anywhere!
I don't wanna feel this way no,
I don't wanna say I'm just a friend.
I don't wanna wait around here.
You don't wanna feel no pain again.
We just lie about it, as we become shadows of ourselves.
Ch. 7: Shadows
"Just let me go and get it for you! You are in no condition…" Sirius was pushing Remus down to sit, exasperated at why he wouldn't just let him help. Remus chuckled and stood anyway, gently pushing Sirius aside.
"I am not an invalid…yet." Remus began walking toward the portrait, leaving Sirius behind. Remus had been slow to heal from this month's activities, even though they were already a few weeks in the past. As they had been doing some last minute preps for tomorrow night, Remus had remembered that he had used the last bit of ointment earlier in the day and the closest supply was up in the healing ward. Worried, Sirius walked over to Remus, only to be pushed away again.
"I can't even come with you?" Sirius asked, hurt.
"Sirius, if I am alone, I have a better chance of making it up there and back without getting in trouble" Moony chuckled, trying to calm his friends fears. "Besides, if you don't keep working with that snow bloom charm, there won't be enough for the ceiling tomorrow night. Someone has to continue to pull the weeds out…"
"All right." Sirius spoke, defeat in his voice. He had been trying to be extra helpful all of the holiday break, feeling guilty that he had told Remus he had feelings for Elizabeth, that he had made him worry, made him angry…
"15 minutes. Then I give you permission to come and find me." Remus laughed as he stepped through the portrait.
"Yea…yea…" Sirius dismissed his laughter with a wave and turned back to the couch by the fire. They had a small cauldron on the table, which was slowly bubbling with white goop. Seeing a small green twig float to the surface, Sirius quickly pulled it from the concoction and cast it into the fireplace. He looked to the portrait and wondered if he should go after Remus. The holiday had improved their friendship, neither talked about the conversation they had and Remus barely spoke of the person who had caused the small tiff. In fact, they barely saw Elizabeth over the past week. The few times they did she either had her nose stuck in a book or was headed for the library. Sirius had begun to wonder if she was just a Beauxbatons snob after all…at least he tried to convince himself that was true.
Noticing another small twig, Sirius did the same as before, then reached for the list of ingredients for the charm. Most of the items had already been folded into the mixture except the sea salt and the star petals.
"Damn" Sirius swore under his breath, knowing there was one thing he had forgotten in the room. Quickly he dashed up the stairs, not wanting to leave the kettle for too long. He ran into the room, not spotting the bag of small white flowers he had laid on his bed earlier. Rummaging around for what seemed like hours, Sirius found the bag under his bed. Smiling triumphantly he made his way back down to the common room but froze as he approached the top of the stairs. Remus had returned and was sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs. He was chatting with someone, a voice that he had come to recognize instantly.
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Elizabeth yawned as she walked through the long corridors back to her dorm. She had spent some extra time in the Hogwarts library studying the history of the school. It was really the only area of study that she felt lacking in compared to the other students. She had become quite comfortable in the school over the holiday break without the crowding students, it was easy to explore. Even though she looked forward to Lily's early return, she would miss the solidarity of Hogwarts as more students came back from their homes. Approaching the Gryffindor portrait she could see it's occupant was already dozing.
"What time is it?" she wondered aloud.
"Time for us night owls to turn in." Elizabeth jumped and spun around so quickly that she dropped her books.
"Oh Remus! You scared me! Where did you come from?" She looked at the boy in front of her. He looked even paler than usual, if that was possible. Bending to gather her things she couldn't help but notice the soft wince that Remus gave as he moved to help her. "Are you alright?"
"Fine…I'm fine." He smiled softly. "Hogwarts, A History. My, my, what boredom you must be suffering!" He chuckled. Elizabeth smiled at him and took the book from his hands as they stood up.
"It's really the only topic that I need to study." Elizabeth blushed slightly, not wanting to sound conceited. "I mean…um…" Remus simply laughed at her embarrassment.
"Yep, completely bored. But how can we compare with Beauxbatons Academy?" Remus stepped towards the portrait and whispered the password. The slumbering occupant smiled sleepily and the door swung open. "I have a distant distant relative who is attending BA. She is in her second year there. Maybe you knew her?" Remus walked into the common room and fell clumsily into an oversized chair. Elizabeth studied him for a moment, waiting for him to continue, her suspicions over his illness creeping into her mind. Opening his eyes, he stared back at Elizabeth, a smile moving over his face. "Still bored?" The suggestiveness behind his words and the deep tone in his voice surprised Elizabeth. She blushed deeply and set down her books while sitting opposite him.
"No, of course not. I was just wondering…well…and please forgive my being so forward but, are you sure you're well?" Remus' smile faded slightly and his eyes seemed to fog over.
"Just caught a cold that has been going around. I'll be fine in a few days." He closed his eyes for a moment, sighing. Elizabeth had the strongest sensation to reach out for his hand and comfort him. It would have been highly inappropriate. Even though she was getting to know Remus better, they were still only friends.
"Again, sorry to intrude," Elizabeth was speaking softly now, as if she wouldn't want to rouse him. "I was a novice assistant healer at the Academy. Is there something I could make to help you? Some honeywing tea always calms the system." Elizabeth looked at the ceiling trying to visualize the list that she had seen so many times in the healing ward at the academy. "We could try some mugwart…if you're not allergic that is…unless…well of course you must have already been to see the healer here at Hogwarts." When her eyes returned to Remus he was smiling warmly at her.
"I thank you for your efforts but really, there is nothing to be done. It is an extremely kind offer."
"Oh come on Moony, I bet mug wart would cheer you right up!" Sirius Black stood looking down at them with a crooked grin on his face. "Actually a run in the moonlight might be the only thing that will cheer you up." Elizabeth watched Sirius come down the stairs and stand beside Remus' chair. Her eyes flickered back and forth between them, her mind tugging at some information, trying to unravel…
"Right, a little run never hurt me." Remus snickered darkly as he looked into the fire.
But he wasn't…he couldn't be…Elizabeth held her breath as the pieces snapped together. Suddenly, overcome with the sudden knowledge of what afflicted Remus, she stood but made no move to leave.
"Ohhh…did I frighten you away?" Sirius said with a laugh. "Don't go! You looked so deep in conversation before I arrived. Let's think up more things we can do to Moony!" Sirius placed his hand on Remus' shoulder and both boys chuckled. "You'll be hard pressed to find something he hasn't tried though." Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at Sirius, fed up with his teasing.
"I was only trying to help. Perhaps someone should take his illness seriously before it transforms into something bigger..." Sirius began to laugh at her words before she could finish her sentence and Remus chuckled, looking at her sympathetically.
"I believe it already has transformed into something bigger." Sirius walked over to the chair Elizabeth had been occupying and sat down, still chuckling. Unsure why his own ailment would be so funny, Elizabeth turned to go up the stairs. With Sirius around she wouldn't be able to have a compassionate talk with Remus. Everything she may say would be twisted and it disturbed her that someone who was considered such a close friend would act so callously…
"Elizabeth…wait!" Remus stood, trying to apologize. "I know you are just trying to…"
There was a sudden crash as Remus fell to his knees clutching his stomach. Both Sirius and Elizabeth rushed forward to help him and, taking one arm each, they tried to move him back to the chair but he gave a sharp growl at the pain and they simply let him be. Looking quickly to Sirius' face, she saw that his eyes were worried, maybe even tearful as he looked down at his friend. Sitting down in front of Remus, Elizabeth reached forward for the hands that clutched his stomach.
"It's the wolvesbane potion isn't it?" Elizabeth spoke softly as she pulled against his straining arms. "You've either put too much in your potion or drank too much of the liquid." Sighing with frustration that Remus was unyielding at her touch she added sternly, "Really, the pain will leave you quickly if you try to relax more"
She could feel Sirius staring at her but her voice turned soft again as she tried another approach at getting Remus to relax. "I have a friend…well more of an acquaintance at the Academy whose brother is a werewolf. She invited me to their house for a weekend holiday and I met him. Very charming…nothing like you of course." She heard Remus laugh slightly and he relaxed his arms a bit. "Anyway, we dated a few times and he told me all about the glamorous life he led. The pain, the attacks…the hairball problems." Both Remus and Sirius chuckled at that and Remus looked up at Elizabeth, pain still present on his face, but retreating.
"They say once you date a werewolf there is no going back." Remus whispered hoarsely but he smiled after.
"Nope…you've got it wrong, once you date a werewolf, you need to get treated for fleas." Sirius touched his friend on the shoulder and smiled. Then he looked at Elizabeth, the warmth fading from his features. "I appreciate what you are doing, but if I find out that you've told anyone about this…" He trailed off, his eyes flashing dangerously for a moment. Elizabeth stared back at him, shocked to see the passion in his eyes, the caring and loyalty for his friend. Not wanting to back down from the stare, she stumbled for words as Remus began to unfold himself and stand.
"Stop it Sirius. She's not going to tell." Remus took the arm Sirius offered and slowly rested his weight against him. Elizabeth nodded and then smiled, avoiding the glare that still remained fixed on her.
"No worries, but if you want help with the potion…I know some herbs we could add to lessen these painful side effects." Gathering her things, she moved towards the stairs trying to look casual. "Can I help right now somehow? Are you going to be all right for tonight?"
"I can take it from here" Sirius said, his voice guarded. Elizabeth nodded quickly and turned to leave, trying not to sprint up the stairs. Just before she reached the girls dormitory entrance she heard Remus from below.
"Thanks Elizabeth, see you tomorrow." She looked over her shoulder and smiled then disappeared into the dark hallway.
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"Sirius. She was just trying to help!" Remus hissed at him, settling back into the chair.
"What did I do? We don't know if she'll tell!" Sirius slumped into the chair opposite Remus, feeling low. Not only did he act like a prat, he had to keep up the glare and anger towards Elizabeth because if not…the way she had stood up to him…the way she had helped out…all he wanted to do was sweep her up right then and there. "I was just protecting you!"
"Something tells me that wasn't all you were up to." Remus muttered. "Besides, Lily trusts her…"
"With girl stuff. Not with something like this!" Sirius groaned, covering his face with his hand. "She's going to tell Evans…DAMN!" The chuckle he heard from Remus made him look up suddenly.
"Lily knows already."
"WHAT?" Sirius screamed.
"SHHH! It's ok! She knows…she's a good listener." Sirius scowled at this new information before slumping back in his chair. They sat in silence, both looking in opposite directions and Sirius realized an important fact that he should have noticed long ago.
"That's why you were smitten with Lily? Because she accepted you after she knew."
"Well, that and she's intelligent, beautiful, witty…" Remus grinned goofily while Sirius shook his head in disbelief.
"I've never seen what you and James see."
"But you see it in Elizabeth?" Remus asked quietly. When Sirius didn't respond, Remus went on. "You should apologize to her in the morning. You went a little psycho on her tonight." Sirius laughed, nodding his understanding.
"Yea, ok. In the morning. But for now we should finish with the…" Standing quickly, eyes full of alarm, Sirius moved towards the kettle on the table. It had turned a sorry shade of greenish grey. "…with the snow." Remus stood next to him, looking down at the mess of a charm that gurgled.
"Good thing neither of us are very sleepy." Sirius snickered before faking a yawn.
"Well, let's start over." Remus sighed before waving his wand, clearing the contents in the kettle.
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Elizabeth forced herself awake as she looked down at her breakfast. The great hall was nearly empty even though classes would resume soon. Sleep had eluded her last night as she tossed and turned in her bed. She was worried about Remus, wondering if he was all right, had he slept at all? She had hoped to see him at breakfast but there was no sight of him.
Sighing, Elizabeth ate a few bites of toast, deciding to head back to the library for some more studying. Maybe she would become tired enough for a mid-day nap. Yet, as she stood to leave someone sat down loudly across from her.
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Sirius awoke, a kink in his neck from spending most of the night in the common room. Remus was snoring in his bed making it impossible to go back to sleep. Unlike Peter's earth quake snoring, Remus' snores were more like mini-howls, and although they never woke him, once aware of them, Sirius was never able to return to his dreams. Slowly swinging his feet onto the cold floor, the events of the previous evening started to unfold. He groaned inwardly for being such a jerk to Elizabeth. He'd have to apologize, not just for Remus' sake, but for his own conscience too. After pulling on some pants and a crumpled Gryffindor sweater, Sirius started to head down to the main hall. No point in facing Elizabeth on an empty stomach.
He stumbled into the main hall, squinting at the glaring sun that was pouring through the high windows. It surely couldn't be that late, he thought. But since the hall was already sparse due to the holiday break he couldn't tell by the crowd if he was early or late to breakfast. Freezing suddenly, he gazed down the Gryffindor table, a distraught looking young woman catching his attention. Smoothing down his mess of a mane, tugging down on his sweater, he slowly began moving toward her. She was so lovely, the sun making some red show through her dark brown hair. Thankfully, she sat alone, which would be perfect for an apology, something he wasn't looking forward to anyway. Just as he approached, she started to rise and Sirius panicked. Putting on his best smile he picked up his pace a bit and slid into the spot opposite her.
"Moony told me to come here and apologize for last night." She looked stunned at his presence and Sirius mentally berated himself for not managing his appearance with more caution before leaving his dorm.
"Moony?" She had meant to ask about the name last night. "Remus? He doesn't need to apologize."
"Not apologize for him." Sirius sniggered darkly. "He thought I needed to apologize…to you." Not wanting to gaze upon her face as he stumbled through this stupid apology, he began to dig into his full plate. With a packed mouth, knowing he should try to make it through this with more dignity, he muttered "sorry" and continued to gorge himself on sausage and pancakes.
"Apology accepted," Elizabeth responded quietly slowly reclaiming her seat, "but not necessary." Sirius finally looked up at this statement. "I am just happy to know he has someone like you he can trust. The boy I spoke of last night?" Elizabeth paused to make sure Sirius was with her. He swallowed in a gulp and nodded.
"The wolfy date boy?" Elizabeth glared slightly at him yet he grinned happily at her. He had been amazed when she had told her story, confessing to dating a werewolf. It raised a confusing mix of emotions inside him ranging from jealousy to compassion, pride in her strength and defeat in knowing she would have no prejudice in dating Remus.
"Yes, only his name was Ronoldo. Anyway, he didn't have a friend like you…never had many friends at all." She paused, taking a deep breath in. "He committed suicide last year." Elizabeth looked down, remembering the pain it had brought everyone at the academy. She had remained detached from it all somehow, even thought she had known him…dated him…
As she cast her eyes down, Sirius began to reach for her hand. It took all his will power not to complete the journey and make his hand retreat. God, if I'm not accusing her of being untrustworthy, I'm wanting to comfort her…
"I'm sorry" was all he could think of. It was so inadequate for the situation, but when Elizabeth looked up into his eyes, he knew it was all he needed to say. Her eyes were searching his and he hoped against hope that it wouldn't be the last time he could just gaze at her like this. Much to his delight, she blushed slightly and looked away.
"I only told you so that you would understand what your friendship must mean to Remus…or Moony…is that a part of his formal name?" Sirius laughed loudly as Elizabeth asked the question. She rolled her eyes at him and stood to leave. "Tell him I hope he is feeling better and that I am leaving the ground ginger in the common room for him. It should help the potion mix into his system." She left the great hall, still listening to Sirius' laughter.
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Her brain was racing through last night and this mornings events at lightning speed, trying to factor in all of the information she thought she knew along with some of the updated facts…and why did Sirius seem to delight in her confusion? Half way to the library, Elizabeth shook her head and turned around, deciding a nap would be more helpful than studying at the moment. Double checking that her bag of ginger and note were still on the table for Remus, thankful that she didn't meet any other living souls on her way up to her room, she collapsed onto her bed and pulled the heavy canopy drapes tightly around so that the morning light was cut off and she was enclosed in blackness. Lying on her back, she tried to sort the facts from feelings…
Remus is a werewolf.
Sirius is actually a fiercely loyal, dedicated good friend.
Remus told him to come and apologize.
Sirius seemed sincere and…why did her stomach do flips at the thought of his eyes locked with hers? She swore she could see all the way into is soul as he had looked back at her across the table…
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Sirius finished his breakfast in high spirits and sprinted back to his room, picking up the ginger that was sitting on the table as he passed by. Attached was a small note.
Dear Remus,
Use one teaspoon of this ginger in every other
cup of your potion. It should help lessen the side
effects. If you should need any further assistance,
please don't hesitate.
Elizabeth.
There was a moment, a brief second that Sirius actually thought about ripping the note off. Just telling Moony the instructions himself, telling him that Elizabeth relayed the instructions over breakfast…it would be so easy. But as he approached the dorm door, he didn't have the heart to be so underhanded. Not to Remus. As he entered, he found Lupin sitting in bed reading and he tossed the ginger his way.
"Already apologized, she left the ginger downstairs for you." Sirius crawled into his own bed and grabbed a quidditch play sheet, working out some new moves. He watched the sheet come alive with a flick of his wand and pretended to try to come up with some new ways of outsmarting his opponent. Glancing over at Remus, he saw a smile on his friends face as he read the note. It wasn't that bloody wonderful or romantic, he thought jealously.
"I think I'll go and thank her. Did she say where she was off to?" Sirius pretended to be absorbed in his paper.
"Nope."
"Did she say she was coming to the party?" Sirius looked up suddenly at this question.
"She knows she is invited right? I thought James said he had told her…" After a moments silence they both hopped out of bed, sprinting down the stairs and into the common room. Not finding Elizabeth there, Sirius suggested the library, much to Remus' surprised look. They tore down the corridor, making it to the library in record time. But disappointment found them there also.
"Maybe we missed her…maybe she's already back at the dorms?" Remus panted, slightly out of breath. Sirius nodded and took off again, securing a safe lead from Remus. If he was the one to invite her…maybe all of the blushing, the soft voice, even the little fights they seemed to have…maybe she wasn't in Remus' thrall yet. But the thought of his friend caused him to slow, once again giving into his loyalty to Remus. He slowed his pace until he could hear Remus on his heels. They jumped through the portrait and moved up the stairs.
"Wait…we can't just go bounding into her room!" Remus tugged on the sleeve of Sirius sweater.
"Yes, you're right. We'll have to let her know we are here…" tired of bouncing between emotions, Sirius finally gave into his desire to flirt and charm with the young lady that lay beyond the closed door. Grinning manically he crept closer to her closed door and knocked gently. "Elizabeth! Come out, come out, wherever you are."
Elizabeth's eyes popped open and she moaned. What was Sirius doing in the girls' dorms? She placed a pillow over her head and wished him away.
After hearing no response, Sirius shrugged at Remus and slowly pushed the door open. Almost all of the beds in the room were neatly made, curtains wide open, except one. The heavy drapes were pulled shut, signaling a need for privacy, but Sirius could resist peeking inside.
"Black!" Remus whispered harshly. But Sirius paid him no heed as he slowly created a peek space at the foot of the bed. Elizabeth was curled in a tight ball, fully clothed and…a pillow over her head.
"Do they sleep differently in France?" Sirius smirked, whispering to Remus as he snuck to the foot of the bed. They both pulled the curtain wider, watching Elizabeth twitch slightly, obviously close to sleep or already slipping into dreams. Sirius tilted his head, imagining how nice it might be to curl next to her. His eyes traveled from her head…or where her head should be if it were not under the huge feather pillow…down to her bare toes which wiggled now and then. Smiling wickedly, Sirius looked toward the other beds in the room. Remus shook his head, knowing that look all too well and moved to leave as his friend tip-toed towards his goal. Returning with a small white feather, Sirius knelt down by Elizabeth's glorious feet.
Suddenly feeling a sharp pain in his shoulder, Sirius looked up at Remus who had just finished removing his fist from his shoulder. Furiously shaking his head 'no' Sirius just smiled and shook his head 'yes' Maybe she would simply stretch and roll over languidly, maybe she would giggle in her sleep.
How cute, he thought and slowly ran the feather over her bare soles.
Elizabeth bolted up quickly, squealing. Memories flashed through her brain of an escaped pet mouse…her Beauxbaton roommate convinced it had run away but it had found it's way into her bed and had bit her in the middle of the night…she had been terrified…
"If this is what I get for trying to help!" Elizabeth yelled. Sirius watched Remus try to stifle his laughter but made no move to quell his own.
"I am sorry…tried to talk him out of it….but you just looked so…" Remus went into another laughing fit as Elizabeth suddenly swiped open the curtains and jumped off of the bed. She marched to the door and pointed to the hallway, not sure why she was so very angry. The mouse incident had been years ago. She was usually more composed, but at this moment she wanted nothing more than for them to leave. Perhaps it was the laughter…perhaps she was embarrassed that only moments earlier she was thinking about both of them…perhaps…
"Oh come on, it was only a feather!" Slowly rising, taking in all of the fierce beauty before him, Sirius walked over and stood in front of her, dangling it in her nose.
"We had really just come to invite you to the party tonight" Remus could finally stand and was wiping tears from his eyes. Elizabeth still did not look amused.
"Out! James already had asked! I was simply taking a nap and didn't need…" she pushed the feather away from her face and stopped rambling. "O U T!" she repeated forcefully.
"Ok…Ok, come on Sirius. Sorry Elizabeth – really. The party starts at 10pm. Third floor, left wing." Remus smiled and left, still chuckling. But Sirius had stopped laughing and was staring intently at Elizabeth.
"WHAT!" She practically screamed at him.
"Your eyes…did you know…" Sirius leaned in closer, not blinking. Her eyes bore into his and he felt some kind of connection, something made him continue to lean in further still, "…they turn black when you are upset. It's…beautiful…in a slightly disturbing way." Her mouth opened slightly, making it suddenly hard for Sirius to breathe. Elizabeth just stared back at him at a loss for words, her anger leaving her as quickly as it had come.
Just lean in…his lips wanted to crush hers. Just get it over with. After a few long seconds Sirius withdrew, grinning and left her standing in the doorway. As he moved across the hall to the boys dorm, he felt strangely buoyant even as he found Remus waiting for him.
"Think she'll come?" he asked happily before hearing one of the doors in the girls dorm slam shut.
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Lyrics at the beginning are from the song The Absence of Sun by Duncan Sheik
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