I don't own NCIS

The morning light shined over Tim the next morning. He felt groggy as he looked over and saw Ziva still sleeping peacefully next to him. He bit his lip as he watched her sleep. As pretty as an angel he wanted to reach out and stroke her skin so pretty bathed in the morning rays. He held back though he held his breath as he got out of breath hoping, praying he didn't wake her up.

Looking at the clock he saw that they still had an hour before they had to get around for work. He grabbed some clothes and went to the shower. As he stood under the steady hot spray He knew he had to make a move. He had to tell Gibbs. He couldn't hold this in any longer. He couldn't survive the torment of the secret resting on his shoulders. The third part of the triangle dead and her ghost and that of Kelly haunting him as he thought of the pile of unopened letters still to be read.

Her handwriting having wafted in and out of his dreams like a phantom haunting him. Her last words he'd read ripping his heart out. Soon to be Gibbs. He felt his stomach roll as he stood there. He took a deep breath steading himself against the title wall of the shower. That should have been his last name. He should have been a Gibbs. Would he have made his father proud would Gibbs have went to his awards ceremonies? Would he have been proud at graduations? All those questions and more tormented him. Wouldn't leave. He got out of the shower drying off and getting ready for the day he sat on his couch and found the letter from 1983. With shaking hands and knowing what was coming he opened it.

Dear Timothy

You're six now. So big, how is school? Do you enjoy it? I'm stalling I know I'm stalling as I stare at the wide expanse of white paper in front of me. I'm married, me and your father have been married for a while now. It was a beautiful day that I finally became Mrs. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. But it wasn't perfect. You were missing and I knew it. My heart was breaking wishing to see you laughing and playing.

I'm still stalling scared to tell you what I have to tell you. Terrified of how you'll take the news as you sit reading this letter years in the future. Please, please I beg of you don't hate me please understand. Please…

I'm having a baby, me and your father we're having a baby. She'll be here next month right before Valentine's Day. I say she because I'm sure it will be a girl. Or maybe I'm just hoping praying it's a girl. I don't' think my heart could take it if I had a boy. How I'd feel seeing your father holding another son when he never got to hold you. That he doesn't even know about you. I don't think I could handle it. A girl that's new its different I wouldn't have to relive it all. I hope anyway.

I know you must think I sound horrible. I'm sorry I am I love you. Forever and always and this baby boy or girl could never will never take your place in my heart. You are my first born. My shining star. The person that keeps me going every day. I love you Timothy please as you hate me remember that I love you.

Shannon Gibbs.

Did he hate her? He wasn't sure at that moment. It felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach. The fact that she thought a girl would be better that it would change things. He found that laughable, but did he hate her? that was the question. He knew it had been a girl. Kelly the name haunted, taunted and tormented him. It was a punch to the gut as another realization hit him. If she'd kept him. If she hadn't given him up. Would he be alive today, or would he have died in that crash with his mother and sister. It was a mind numbing question to ask himself. Was his adoption his saving grace. Did he owe it his life. he felt tears prickle his eyes as he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat

No he didn't hate her for the adoption. She was a young scared girl, but for not telling Gibbs, that he wasn't sure he could forgive her for. She wasn't a child when they reconnected when they married. she wasn't under her mother's thumb anymore and she put her happiness over the truth. He wasn't sure he could forgive her that.

"Tim"

He startled hearing Ziva's voice near him. "Ziva" He turned to see her staring at him. Sympathy clear in her eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Oh I'm…." he grappled for words. Trying to explain what he felt but he just couldn't. He wanted to ask Ziva if it was horrible of him to hate his mother for her lies but he wasn't sure if he could handle it if she said yes. "I'll be fine." He finally said. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes." She nodded as she watched him shove the letters into his bag.

"Okay lets get going. " he said as they made their way to the car and towards the Navy yard. Getting out of the car he resolved that some way some how he had to tell Gibbs. He couldn't hide this secret that wouldn't make him any better then his mother. Either of them.

He nodded to Tony and Gibbs as he came into the bull pen and settled into his desk. that day was light no cases came though and they all just caught up on paper work. The time ticked down to the end of the day. As the day ended and Ziva and Tony packed up Tim sat at his desk. bile raising In his throat he watched Ziva and Tony leave trying to ignore the look Tony was sending him. He waited until the bull pen was empty and it was just Gibbs and himself he took all the courage he had and he went to his boss. His father.

"Gibbs, can I talk to you."

"McGee what is it?" taking a deep breath he opened his backpack and he pulled out the letters he'd read he held them out waiting for Gibbs to take them. as soon as they passed hands. He looked at Gibbs who was giving him a what the hell look. There are more. One every year until 1990. I haven't gotten any farther then the ones I've given you. I'll give you the rest as I finish them. I think there should be one from 1991 but it was lost somewhere.

"What are they?"

"Letters just read them." Tim couldn't say more he couldn't stay around and watch his father so he turned and he left practically running out of the building and into his car. He sat their white knuckles holding his steering wheel trying to not have a panic attack.

Gibbs looked down at the pile of letters McGee had shoved into his hands and felt his breath catch as he noticed Shannon's handwriting. He caressed it. Closing his eyes picturing her as though she was there in front of him. His eyes flew open but why, why would Tim have these letters what were they. He wanted to sit at his desk and read them but he had a feeling he'd need some strong bourbon to get through what ever was in front of them.

Two men made their way home. One curious and one panicking. Neither knowing what the next moments, days or years would bring them.

A/N thanks to everyone who reviewed. So Gibbs has the letters or some of them. we'll see his reactions to those along with Tim reading 1984 letter next chapter.