RING RING RING
I rolled over and smacked my alarm clock. It was 4:15 AM, which meant I had about fifteen minutes until I actually had to get up. School didn't start until 7:00, but I wanted to get some pool time in before first period. Also, I wanted to avoid talking to my dad. I figured if I left early enough then I wouldn't have to see him. I had no idea what school was going to be like today. Would everyone remember what my dad had said? Would anyone say anything to me about it? I couldn't even think about seeing Emily today. I knew she wouldn't want to see my face after totally embarrassing her. Even though it was my dad that actually embarrassed her, I knew she thought it was all my fault. She thought it was me that told my dad that she got the spot because she was gay. I don't really blame her. That does sound like something I would do. Or, at least something the fake Paige would do. ...or was it the real Paige? I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm constantly being torn between who everyone wants me to be, who I want to be, and who I really am. Is this what every 11th grader feels like?
RING RING RING
I smacked my alarm again. I rolled out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. After I finished my morning routine, I went back to my room to put on my swimsuit. There was no point in taking a shower if I was just going to shower again after getting in the pool. I threw a t-shirt and my track pants over my swimsuit, and put my school clothes in my duffle bag. I grabbed my book bag and went downstairs to the kitchen. My eyes had already adjusted to the dark, so I didn't even bother turning on the kitchen light. I walked towards the island that was set in the middle of the kitchen and picked up an apple from the fruit basket.
"You're up early."
I jumped and quickly turned around. I looked over and saw my dad standing by the counter holding a newspaper in one hand and a coffee mug in the other. He was using the small overhead stove light, which I didn't notice was on before.
There goes my plan to avoid conversation.
"Dad, you scared me. I didn't think anyone would be up this early."
"Yeah, I figured I'd go into the office early and get a few things done. That way I could leave early to make it on time for the parent-teacher conferences today since your mother can't be there."
"You're actually going to that?" I wasn't surprised that he wanted to go, I was surprised that my parents had actually remembered that it was today.
"Of course I'm going. We need to make sure everything is going well in your classes. You can't get into good colleges without good grades."
I hated the idea of my dad talking to my teachers without me there, but I knew there was no way of convincing him not to go. Checking up on my school work and my swimming was one of his hobbies, if not his only hobby.
"Alright, well I better get going. See you later at school then." I said as I walked towards the front door.
"Why are you leaving so early? School doesn't start for another two hours."
For once I dreaded telling him the truth, because I knew it was exactly what he wanted to hear. Without taking my hand off the door handle, I turned around. "I'm going to swim in the pool for a bit before school starts."
His mouth formed into a huge grin. It was as if I had just told him that I won the lottery. "Now that's what I like to hear! The early bird gets the worm. Like father like daughter."
I winced at those words. I turned back around and opened the door. I stood there for a few seconds before turning around to look at him again.
"No dad."
He looked up from his newspaper and looked at me.
"You and I are nothing alike." I walked out the door and slammed it behind me. I walked out so fast that I didn't even see his facial expression. I grabbed my bike and headed towards the school. It was difficult pedaling with my duffle bag hanging down my side, but I knew it would have taken me a lot longer to get there if I had walked. I just wanted to be in the pool. I didn't even care about practicing to get a better time. I just wanted to be surrounded by the water. I needed it.
As soon as I got to the school I locked up my bike and walked in the natatorium. The lights were on. Great. That meant that somebody was already here.
"Hello?"
There was no answer. I didn't see anyone in the pool either. Coach must have gotten here early. I thought to myself. I walked into the locker room and saw Emily standing at her locker wearing nothing but a towel. She must have just gotten out of the shower. I just stood there staring at her. I couldn't think of anything to say, nor did I want to say anything. I was mesmerized by her perfect...everything. I could watch her forever. She turned around and finally noticed me standing there. A small shriek escaped her lips.
"Jesus Paige! You scared me half to death. How long have you been standing there?"
"I- I uh...I just walked in..." I tried so hard to keep my eyes above her neck that I probably looked like a cat staring at a ball of yarn.
"Well, you don't have to worry. I'm about to leave. But do you mind if I change really quick? I couldn't find the locker room labeled 'freaks', so I just used this one." She said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.
I felt terrible. I didn't even know what to say. "Uh, sure." was all I could mumble out. I turned around to where I couldn't see her, even though I desperately wanted to. It was like playing hide and go seek. I had to use every bit of willpower to force myself not to sneak a peek. I heard the sound of fabric rubbing against skin and a zipper zip.
"Okay, I'm done. You can turn around now."
I turned around and saw her wearing black skinny jeans with a black and white baseball tee and high tops. Simple always looked the best on her. Her hair was still wet, and it was perfectly swept to her left shoulder. She put her stuff in her bag and zipped it up. She grabbed her bag and walked past me without even looking at me. Her face was so emotionless that it was actually kind of scary. I couldn't read her.
"Emily..." I said as I turned around to look at her. She spun around.
"What Paige? Did you come up with a new insult that you're dying to try out on me? Something along the lines of it's a good thing you decided to swim early so nobody had to change around you or some pun about being so into the 'breaststroke'? Did you not get a good enough laugh yesterday when your dad embarrassed me in front of the entire student body?" I saw her eyes start to glisten. I couldn't tell if it was just because she was so angry, or if she was so hurt that tears were starting to form in her eyes, but either way I was the cause of it.
"Emily, I'm so sorry about what I said to you the other day. And about my dad yesterday..."
"Just stop. It doesn't even matter anymore. You know what? I don't blame you. At first I thought you were just jealous or whatever, but after hearing those things your dad said yesterday, I'm not surprised that you are the way you are. It must be hereditary, because you are just like him."
"I am nothing like my dad." I said with frustration in my voice. I was tired of people saying that. I didn't want to be anything like him.
"No? Targeting someone's insecurities and using it against them in order to win? That doesn't sound like your dad? Because it sure sounds a lot like you."
She turned around and started to walk out the door. I just stood there and watched her walk away. I didn't even know how to respond. She was right. That did sound like me. Everything I had done to her was exactly what my dad would have done. Just before she reached the door, she turned around. Her face softened. She looked more sad than angry.
"People talk about me. When I finally accepted myself and outed myself with Maya in public, people looked at me differently. They would whisper as I walked by, and some of the guys would even whistle or make rude comments about threesomes. I expected that. I learned to ignore it. But swimming was the one place I could get away from it all. And to have one of my teammates bullying me and hating me so much for something I can't change... well, that hurts more than anything." She turned around and walked out the door.
I stood there for a few seconds before walking over to the bench. I sat down and stared at the floor. Tears began to build up in my eyes before streaming down my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands and just sat there, crying. I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't be this person anymore.
About an hour later, the tears finally began to subside. I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. I looked at my phone and saw that it was 6:15. I walked towards my locker to grab my towel and my shower stuff. Then I walked over to one of the showers and turned on the water. It wasn't the same as being in the pool, but the warm water hitting my body still felt good. I felt relaxed as I tried to let all of my worries wash away, even if it was just for a few minutes.
Later at lunch
"Paige!"
"Huh? What?"
"Were you even listening to me?"
How could I pay any attention to her when all I could think about was Emily. It was hard not to when her and her friends were sitting at a table that was directly in my line of vision. "Sorry Pru, I'm just a little...distracted." I said without taking my eyes off of Emily.
"Clearly. We've been sitting here for ten minutes and you haven't even touched your lunch. And what are you staring at?" She looked behind her to see if there was anything interesting.
"Uh, nobody. I mean...nothing. I'm just spacing out."
She looked at me as a smirk formed on her face. "There's a cute guy, isn't there. Where is he!" She whipped around and looked frantically from side to side as if she were looking for the last pair of Jimmy Choos at a 90% off sale.
"No, no, there's no guy. I've got a huge math test coming up and I'm kind of freaking out about it. That's all."
She looked back at me and pondered for a few seconds before speaking. "Oh. Well, that makes sense. The other day the teacher asked you to state the quadratic formula and you said forty-two. I would be freaking out about that test too if I were you." She chuckled.
"Okay, I wasn't paying attention and I just blurted out a random number. It could have happened to anyone!" We both laughed as I took a bite of my food. The laughing died down and she looked at me with a serious face.
"You know, Paige. You're my best friend. And I know you don't really like to talk about anything below the surface, but if you ever do want to talk about something, anything, I'm here for you." She smiled at me and touched my arm.
She was right, I hated talking about myself. I hated talking about anything that made me feel vulnerable. I loved her, but I just couldn't talk about this. The thought of talking about it made me nauseous.
"Thanks Pru. If I ever do need to talk about anything, I know who to go to." We both smiled at each other for a few seconds before she began to speak again.
"So...are you sure there's no guy? Because if there is..."
RING
"Damn! Well, guess I better get to class! See you at swim practice Pru." I quickly grabbed my stuff and walked towards the trash can to throw away my food.
"Saved by the bell this time McCullers, but I'll eventually find out who this mystery dude is!"
This swim practice was probably one of the most awkward ones yet. Emily and I haven't spoken a single word to each other. She hasn't even looked at me. It's as if I'm invisible to her. I mean, I don't blame her, but I figured she'd at least put everything between us aside during swim practice, for the sake of the team.
Whistle blows
"Alright ladies, great job today. Especially you Emily. You beat your fastest time by .48 seconds. Whatever your motivation to win is, keep at it!"
"No motivation to win coach. Just motivation to swim as best as I can." She looked over at me and then quickly looked away.
"Sounds good to me. You girls can learn a thing or two from Emily. Now, get out of here so that I can lock up and go home."
Everyone went into the locker room to change out of their swimsuits. I saw Emily throwing a shirt and some track pants over her swimsuit. She zipped up her Sharks jacket, grabbed her things and headed towards the door.
"Good job today Emily. With a time like that the other teams don't stand a chance against us!" I smiled at her. She turned around and just stood there scowling at me for a few seconds before speaking.
"Thanks." She said coldly, and then turned around and walk out of the locker room.
Why do I even bother. She obviously hates me. I changed back into my school clothes that I was wearing earlier before grabbing my things and walking out of the locker rooms. I took out my phone to look at the time. 5:45. My dad should be finishing up with the conferences. I walked out of the natatorium and into the hallway. There were parents and teachers everywhere, which meant that my dad must be close by.
"Paige!" I heard from behind me. I turned around and saw my dad waving.
"Hey dad." I walked towards him and he reached out to hug me. I was a little surprised since my dad rarely hugs me. Not to mention I figured he would still be mad about what I said to him this morning. I was hoping that this meant I was doing well in my classes.
"I spoke with your teachers, and they all had wonderful things to say about you."
"Um...really?" That was hard to believe, considering I haven't learned anything all week due to the constant spacing out.
"Of course! They said you're doing well in all of your classes. Your math teacher mentioned something about you being distracted lately, but I told her that you were probably just more focused on swimming, since you're the best one on the team. You know, trying to stay ahead of the other girls by staying focused. Your grades are looking good though, so I'm not worried about it."
Of course he would use swimming as an excuse. But whatever, I was just glad that I didn't have to sit through a boring lecture on proper study habits.
"Nick!" I heard someone shout. I looked over and saw a woman walking towards us. Uh oh. It was Emily's mom. And she did not look happy at all.
"Hello Pam." I heard my dad say.
"We need to talk." Her voice was a little softer.
"I was wondering when I would hear from you." They both sounded calm. Maybe this wouldn't be so scary after all. Maybe this would be a calm, subtle, adult conversation that didn't draw any attention. I know my dad is already notorious for being the maniac that blew up during lunch. If he starts yelling again, then I would really have to consider transferring to another school. Probably one in Alaska.
"This isn't personal Pam." He continued, "You deal with your family issues however you want. This has to do with what the school is doing to my daughter."
She looked away and chuckled. "Yeah, it's about your daughter alright. It's about you trying to make her into some kind of professional victim, and using my daughter to do it."
"I don't expect you to understand." He snapped.
"Oh, I understand. I understand that you always have to find someone else to blame when things don't go your way."
"Okay. You're upset."
"No, not yet. But I'm getting there." She scarily took a step closer to him. Even my dad looked a bit intimidated. "My daughter never got anything she didn't earn. That's how we raised her. That is who she is. So you drop this Nick. Drop it now, or I'll show you what a real agenda looks like." She stared into his eyes while making a silent promise, before walking away.
He just stood there, silent. I was so shocked that my jaw had literally dropped. I had never seen anyone stand up to my dad like that before. At least not while leaving him speechless. He stood there for a few seconds before finally turning back to me.
"That poor family. I'm sure it must be really hard on them to have such a delinquent daughter." He huffed. Of course he would say something like that. As much as that comment hurt, I'm just glad he didn't go ballistic again. "Oh well. Their problems are their problems. Not ours. What do you say we head home. Want a ride?"
"I would, but my bike is here. I don't want to pass up the chance to work out my legs a bit." I really just wanted to talk to Emily, but I knew he'd like that excuse better.
"Well, alright." He smiled. "Want me to take your bags for you then? That way it'll be easier for you to pedal fast and really get a good burn."
I rolled my eyes. "Sure. Thanks." I handed him my book bag and my duffle bag.
"See you at home."
"Yeah, see ya." I turned around and saw Emily hugging her mom. I stood there, watching her. I wish my parents hugged me like that. That was a real hug. That was an 'I love you no matter what' hug. I honestly don't know if I've ever had one of those before, but it looked comforting. I snapped out of my thoughts and saw her walking out the door and into the parking lot. I followed her out there, making sure to be quiet so that she didn't see me. I wanted to wait until she was in her car so that she couldn't run away from me. She opened the door to her Toyota Corolla and got in the driver's seat before shutting the door. I quickly ran towards the car and got in on the passengers side. My heart was pounding and my breathing was heavy. The adrenaline was pumping through my body, a little bit from running, but mostly from being nervous about the conversation we were about to have. I had no idea what I was going to say, but any conversation alone with Emily was something to be nervous about.
I looked over at her and noticed that she had a shocked look on her face. So I quickly began blurting out the first thing that came to my mind.
"Listen. It's like your mom said, my dad is always looking for someone to blame."
She looked at me, still confused. "I have to go home. My mom's waiting for me." She said slowly.
"Right. Your mom's waiting. God, why is everything so easy for you?" I turned and looked at her.
"Easy?! What planet do you live on Paige? I spent most of my life trying not to feel the way I feel. I finally come out and they ship my first girlfriend off to God knows where, and now maybe she's done with me. I don't know, she hasn't spoken to me since she left. So yeah, it's all about Emily. All Em, all the time!"
I don't know if I wanted to show her that I understood what she was feeling, or if I just thought that her frustrated ranting was hot. But either way, I grabbed her face and crashed our lips together. The usual butterflies in my stomach had now turned into dragons. I was overwhelmed with this new emotion that I had never felt before. It was like electricity was running all throughout my body. I pulled away and let out a deep sigh of relief. It was like a dream. Everything in my head was so foggy. I had no idea what this feeling was, but whatever it was, I wanted it to stay inside me forever.
I opened my eyes and saw her sitting there, staring at me in horror. Nope, definitely not a dream. That wonderful feeling quickly turned into one of terror and regret. Shit, what did I just do. I started to panic.
"Don't tell!" I choked out as I fumbled for the door handle and got out as fast as I could. Fuck fuck FUCK! What the hell was I thinking! I sprinted towards my bike and pedaled as fast as I could, not once looking behind me.
