Chapter 7: Tired of your Shit, Archer

I really have nothing to say, so I'll just ship to the reviews.

On3dgeGaming: You're my friend, and I respect you, but this is my story. If anyone is going to be the overpowered sack of shit that kills Berserker, it's gonna be me. Also, welcome back to the land of the living.

Tehg2000: I'm glad that you approve my rendition of this story, and hope the rest will blow you away.

Now, on to the show.

"Good evening, big-brother. This makes it two times that we met." Shirou looked shocked for a second before returning to his tensed stance. The girl took a few steps forward before curtsying.

"It's nice to meet you, Rin. My name is Illya. Short for Illyasviel von Einzbern. You're familiar with the name, aren't you?"

"Von Einzbern…" Rin stared at the gigantic Servant and her right eye glowed blue. "That's amazing. In terms of raw ability, that thing outclasses Saber by a lot."

"It's incredible. That one Servant can fight all the other Servants combined." Archer spoke through the link.

"Meaning that we need more than physical strength to beat him. Archer, you should use your class's usual methods."

"What about defense? I doubt you could stop it if it charges."

"I've got a trick or two up my sleeve for that, Archer. Trust me."

"I will put my trust in you. Do not lose it." With his piece said, he went to do as he was told.

"Emiya, Rom. It's up to you if you want to run away or stay and fight. But if you can, try to run far away."

"I'm staying." Rom said with a serious look on her face.

"Are you done talking? Well then, can I get started?" I drew Rebellion off of my back and took a step forward. Saber took off her cloak and drew her sword along with Bryce. "Time to kill you. Okay, go get them, Berserker." The colossus's skin turned red and the ground underneath him cracked as he charged at us with a roar. He leapt up into the air and brought his stone sword down. Archer intercepted him with a volley of arrows. I want to take advantage of this.

"Johnny, I'm gonna need a helping hand!"

"On it!" He placed his left hand in my right. Both were palm up. I formed a Rasengan and Johnny pumped it full of lightning. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

"Fusion Art: Hellstorm Rasengan!" We yelled at the same time as we ran towards it and slammed the cackling sphere into its chest. The attack sent the beast flying and left quite the mark, if the amount of blood was anything to go by. He quickly recovered and sped in between Rin and Shirou, aiming to cleave the boy in two.

"Emiya!" The monster of a man brought his weapon down, and Saber blocked it with her own.

"Mercenary! Transform, now!"

"Done." I turned into my demon form. "Bryce, it's high time you do the same." He did as I asked of him. Storm and Johnny also heeded my advice.

"Those are some interesting Servants. Too bad they're going to die." Saber and Bryce charged at him, clashing their blades against his.

"Why aren't you fighting?"

"No need to be so impatient, Rin. I just need a moment." I equipped Nix into my left hand while keeping Rebellion in my right. I lifted both weapons over my shoulders so that they formed an x. "EXE Drive: Endless Waltz!" The move was a fifty-six hit combo that was based around constantly spinning and twirling while cutting. All of that is just fifty-five of the fifty-six hits. For the last one, I point the tip of Rebellion towards the sky and create a blade of energy off of it before bringing it down. The energy is volatile and creates a massive explosion. Berserker blocked most of this onslaught except for the last sixteen hits. Beaten and bloodied, the Mad Servant got up and lifted his blade.

"Hey, G1?"

"Yeah, Bryce?"

"This remind you of anything?"

"It does, except this time, you can't do dick against him either."

"Archer! Fire support!" The attack hit Berserker dead on, but like every other arrow, it did next to nothing.

"Oh, come on…!" Storm groaned. Basically, at this point, anyone who could fight, was. Rin threw some gems, casting some kind of binding spell.

"Archer!" A storm of arrows struck him from behind, but there was no visible damage.

"Is that thing immortal?"

"No, it's not Shirou." Storm? Oh…right…He animes more than I do. "He's just durable. Johnny, G1, it's time we go all out."

"Whatever you say, Storm." The two went Sage Mode and Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan respectively. I deactivated my Devil Trigger so I could go MT.

"Limit Break!" Limit Break? Dafuq? When the light died down, the only real change was that he had his SD armor over his CPU suit. The fighting continued, with us making the silent agreement to lead him to the woods outside of town.

"What will it take to put this guy down!?" Uni exclaimed. We had already killed him once.

"Well, if we can't kill the body, then let's go for the soul. Cover me, because this is going to take a bit of prep time."

"What do you plan on doing?"

"Saber, we all have our ultimate trump cards. You're about to see his. He created a spell that destroys the soul of anyone caught in the blast." Storm said, replying to the swordswoman. I raised my clawed right hand and formed well over twenty magic circles. The largest was the highest in the sky, and they got smaller as they got closer to the ground. I focused entirely on my spell craft while everyone else kept fighting. It took a good five minutes. That may not seem like long in most situations, but in a fight, it's forever.

"G1, we've got him!" Berserker was bound with all sorts of spells and seals.

"What is the meaning of this!?" Illya cried out.

"A-A-An EX ranked Noble Phantasm!?"

"Rin, what does that mean?"

"A Servant's abilities and weapons are ranked from E to EX with EX being the highest."

"EXE Drive: Soul Armageddon." The enormous beam descended from the heavens and hit Berserker, bypassing his twelve lives and putting him down for good. Once the light faded, I de-transformed, having spent all of my energy. The titan fell like a stone column and then began to dissolve.

"Berserker!"

"Such power…"

"Saber, I know you're shocked, but I need some help." Everyone released their transformations except for Neptune. She probably plans to help me out as well.

"Of course. Shirou, go home with the others…" The kid started coughing up blood. "Shirou!?"

"Don't worry about me, Saber. He's more of your responsibility than I am." Neptune picked me up and Johnny took Saber's place. Rom and Bryce took Illya with them. We all wound up going to Shirou's place for the night. When I was asleep, someone (probably Bryce) stuck me in a t-shirt that said "My Girlfriend Said I needed to be more Affectionate, so now I have Two." Gonna kill him. Gonna kill him and laugh like a sociopath. Maybe turn him into a sock…My inner Ryan Haywood is coming out again…

"Mercenary!" I only got an hour's worth of sleep, so I'm still limping from lack of energy. Archer had a hold of my things.

"Yeah, yeah…I'm coming…"

"We're leaving."

"Good. I want to get out of this shirt."

"I think it looks good on you."

"Can it, Archer."

"Enough, both of you. We're going to fix my screw up."

"Ugh…" We walked around until we got to a building blocked off by caution tape.

"It's faint, but I sense mana residue."

"Same here, Archer."

"That means that the gas leak was no mere accident." Rin deduced.

"Or it wasn't an accident at all." I'm not wrong, am I?

"I can't believe they're involving outsiders…"

"We can't do anything about it until we figure out who's doing this, so I suggest we go home and get something to eat. I'm famished."

"Heroic spirits don't need to eat."

"Well, Rin, spirit means dead. I have yet to die, ever, so I need sustenance." We went home, fixed up some food, and spent the rest of the night and next day recuperating. It wasn't exactly a restful time, given that Neptune was being Neptune and Johnny wouldn't let me take that God damn stupid ass motherfucking shirt off. Later that night, we went back to the building to investigate. When we got to the floor that Rin told us was the one that blew up, there were two skeletal wolves on the prowl. They looked at us before running off, before turning around and charging. Rin dispatched them quickly with curses to the head. She started to walk forward, and a giant alligator crashed down through the ceiling. Its size didn't save it any because Neptune ran up and cut its head in half. With that done, we walked down the hall and opened a room full of cubicles. Anyone inside had their faces on their keyboards and there was a purple fog hovering right above the floor.

"What is this?" Nepgear asked.

"A witch's incense. Powerful. It supposedly destroys love. In which case, we're dealing with a woman here. Her rage must be deep to have vented even after becoming a Servant."

"Enough talk, Archer, I'm opening a window." From there, she called the police to get the men help and went to the tower from before.

"The stolen life force is flowing towards Ryudou Temple."

"Where's that?"

"Those mountains over there." Rin replied, pointing to the location that Archer told us. "The culprit must be Caster."

"That means we made a mistake last night." Archer spoke.

"Mistake? Fighting Berserker, you mean? I think that was the optimal outcome."

"I'm not so sure, Rin. If Caster has spread such a wide net, she must have observed last night's battle. And if that's not bad enough, we tipped our hand destroying Berserker."

"I'm not so sure. We'll track Caster. You can still sense her, can't you? We'll finish this before she can run to Ryudou Temple."

"That's kind of a dumb idea. We're not in tip-top shape and it might be beyond us. We don't want to get into something we can't get out of." Neptune said logically.

"I know. But this is a special case, don't you think?"

"And I thought I had a thing for picking fights…"

"You and me both, Johnny…You and me both…" I mean, seriously. I made a living fighting things that literally are Hell spawn.

"Look, don't worry…We can beat anyone else later. I'm just choosing to take out the biggest problem."

"Fine…Let's get to it…" Archer sighed in defeat.

"Tomorrow. I still have school in the morning."

"Woo…Another day of bumming it on the couch…" The next day came and went. I did some stuff around the house and decided to take a walk. At one point, I walked past the school and there was a commotion. There was a couple of explosions and a scream. Things died down pretty quickly, so I saw no reason to intervene. Fifteen minutes after I went back into the house, Rin showed up with Shirou.

"Mercenary, do you have any more of those healing stones?"

"I do. Why?" I should mention that I was in another room.

"Shirou's hurt." I got off the couch and walked into the room to see a make-shift bandage on his arm.

"Here. This should be enough for something so small." I tossed him a small Vital Star. "Chow down."

"I have a hole in my arm. You think that's a small injury?"

"More or less. Then again, I can shrug off mortal wounds like it's no big deal. So, what happened?"

"To put it simply, there's another Master at school. He's picking off students like that girl over and over again."

"Why would he do something like that?"

"To win the Holy Grail War, of course." Rin answered.

"There's a reason blood magic is so powerful, Shirou. A lot of a person's life force resides in it."

"And he's using that to strengthen his own Servant." Me and Rin have gotten really good and trading lines.

"Is that guy nuts?!"

"Probably." Nice assessment Johnny.

"There's already a Bounded Field around the school. Once it's activated, everyone inside will pretty quickly start to grow weak and die. Emiya, this may sound strange coming from me, but I think we need a truce."

"Hold on, Rin. You're forgetting another Master."

"I didn't think it would be necessary. I know what would happen if I attacked her."

"Good. Glad that that's understood."

"A truce? Between you and me?"

"Yes. We have to deal with this other Master. So, until then, why don't we call a truce and track him down together?"

"I'd take it. You know what happens when someone tries to fight a war on two fronts." I'm looking at you, Hitler.

"Sure. It'd be great to get help from someone dependable."

"Sounds like I have something to do tomorrow."

"What do you mean?"

"Time for me to go back to high school, even if it's only for a day."

"Why would you want to come to school with us?"

"Let me answer your question with one of my own, Shirou. What would happen if that Bounded Field, once activated, blocks you off from your Servant?"

"He's right…We would be in trouble once a Servant shows up."

"I hate to say it, but Rom and Mercenary have a point. But how will we get you inside the school?"

"My plan is actually pretty simple, Rin. What's Japan's equivalent to the FBI?" Let's see if the Winchester's method of infiltration really works. Shirou went home as me, Rin, and Archer put the plan into action. The next morning everything was set to go. I was dressed in a suit and had a CIB badge. That's the closest thing we could get. We decided that since everything happens at the end of the day, I should show up two hours beforehand to "investigate". This should work beautifully. Key word "should". When the time came, I walked into the building, only to pass by someone. Fairly certain he's a teacher.

"Excuse me, are you a teacher here?"

"I am. Who's asking?"

"I'm Agent Freely from the CIB. In light of all of the recent accidents and disappearances, I've been sent to investigate."

"And since all of the disappearing students came from this school, you came here?"

"Precisely."

"I will let the faculty know of what you are doing. Please do not interrupt any classes."

"I'll try, but I will make no promises. I may wind up having to ask students a few questions." He simply replied by letting out a "Hn" and walked off. From there I began my "rounds". Rin said she hid Rebellion somewhere in the school. If shit hits the fan, I can call it to me. Nix or Lucifer should be able to take care of anything, but still…During my walk, I found everyone but Johnny and Storm. This is Probably Fujimura's doing. I passed Rin and Shirou several times as they disabled the Bounded Field sigils. I met with Rin about an hour after sunset.

"So, how'd it go, Master?"

"As well as we had hoped. Was your mission a success?"

"Just enough that it will let me back in tomorrow for some follow-up questions." We basically did our own thing until I felt Archer's mana spike. "Rin, I'll be back in a bit. Don't wait up."

"Hey!" She tried to protest, but it was too late. I was already out the window, going towards where his arrows landed. When I got there, Archer had already gotten in between Shirou and a hooded woman, who I'm going to assume is Caster. Rom was bound in strings of some kind and Bryce had moved to take a stance in front of Caster like he was protect her.

"I hope I'm not late for the party. If I may ask, what the actual fuck are you doing, Bryce?"

"She'll kill Rom if I don't listen to her."

"Well that's a problem…Don't worry, I'll fix that."

"The infamous hero that killed Berserker. I was wondering when you'd show up."

"Let the girl go, Caster."

"No way. Between her reserves of mana and her Servant at my disposal, I'm unstoppable."

"How can you control him besides threating him with her life?" There's no way he would completely obey her.

"With this." She lifted her hand to reveal a strange symbol. A similar one began to glow purple on Bryce's forehead. "He is bound to my will." Okay, think…How can I get around that?

'Destroy her Command Seals.'

'Dante? Care to explain?'

'Yes, brother. Elaborate.'

'If we destroy the Command Seals on Rom's hand, he gets sent home. We minimalize the damage and we could free her at the same time.'

'Those spells are powerful magic. How could we do that?'

'Yamato could cut through then easily.' Vergil retorted.

'Okay. Game plan, set. Letr's do this.' While we were in our pre-game huddle, Archer had checked on Shirou and started dealing with Bryce.

"Archer! We have a strategy! Don't kill him!"

"Why?"

"Just listen for once!"

"Fine…" He kept fighting Bryce while I ran for Rom/

"I don't think so, fool." She shot multiple blasts of magic at me and I nimbly evaded them. Any that I couldn't I blocked with one of Lucifer's blades. Said blades were used to cut Rom down from her place in the air, and I caught her as she fell.

"Rom, I have an idea, but it's probably going to hurt. A lot."

"…Do it…" She had a brave face on, but it was obvious that she was terrified. I pulled Yamato from its sheath after I summoned it and plunged it into her small hand. The long sword went all the way through as she cried out in pain. The Command Seals distorted before shattering like glass. Almost immediately, Bryce began to fade away.

"See ya next time, G1."

"Yeah…See ya…" And like that, he was gone. Archer then proceeded to move his fight to Caster. She rained down beams of magic, and they just wouldn't stop. He tried to run out the gate to weaken her, but she cut off his exit.

"Do you think you can escape from here?"

"No, but I can provide a decent distraction." Is that my cue? Oh shit! It is! Um…I got it!

"Demon Art: Big Bang Rasengan!" Alright, before we continue, let me learn you a thing. This move is a giant Rasengan that has been forced to the size of a regular one and infused with the explosive energy of Lucifer. Cool, huh? So, do you know what happens when a sphere of compact explosive energy hits something? Well, let me put it to you in the infamous words of Mr. Torgue. EXPLOSIONS!? The result of said move, while effective, was not what I was aiming for. She was merely sent flying.

"Damn…Have I mentioned that I hate this world's logic when it comes to magic? No? Because I should have by now." I could hear Archer and Shirou bickering.

"You should be more careful with your attacks. Shirou here may have gotten killed." Archer said, taunting Caster. The witch responded by resuming her attack. I grabbed Rom and followed after them. After many a magic missile, Archer kicked Shirou away from him. I tossed Rom so she would land on top of the ginger. We were caught in some kind of field.

"How does that feel? Even those heroes of the three Knight classes cannot move if space itself has been immobilized around them. So this would appear to be checkmate. I don't know which land's heroes you were, but this is goodbye."

"Slash Dimension." I said under my breath. Hundreds of magically created cuts surrounded me, cutting apart the special field. Apparently, Archer said something as well.

"What?" As I broke free, two of Archer's swords flew at her, breaking her concentration and freeing him. When she recovered, she resumed her assault. I blocked any attacks that came at Shirou and Rom as Archer charged towards the Servant. He knocked an arrow and started to speak.

"I am the bone of my sword." Energy just radiated from the reshaped sword and electricity seemed to dance off of its surface. "Caladbolg!" When he said the name of the sword, he let the arrow fly. The witch attempted to block it, but the attack pierced right through.

"Whoa…"

"Yeah, Rom…That's what I say…" Shirou didn't say anything. The witch was on the ground, beaten and bloodied. Archer slowly approached her and she looked up to him.

"Archer…Why do you not finish me off?"

"I said I would make one scratch." She healed herself from her injuries with some kind of voodoo.

"What about you? Do you not intend to kill me either?" She had turned her attention to me.

"No. My priority is the safety of these two. No need for unnecessary fighting."

"I see. You three are alike. None of you want harm to come to the innocent."

"How am I anything like this jerk?!" You better not be talking about me, Shirou.

"Yes, I agree. I admit we are both pacifists, but we are fundamentally different from one another." Hello…Right here…she said three, not two…

"You're a pacifist my ass!"

"Stop the fighting! Can't you see you're tearing this family apart!?" I don't regret having Rom watch Red vs. Blue. She did an awfully good Donut impression. She has a set of lungs, too. Honestly, I did not expect something like that from her, and neither could anyone else, given the silence. Caster, in her shock, simply fucked off.

"Why did you let her go!?"

"Even if I had struck her down, she would have made her escape anyway. To defeat Caster, we must get to her Master."

"And what about you!?" Okay, this kid has pushed the wrong button. He has unleashed the genetic rage of generations of alcoholics.

"What about me!? If you're so high and mighty, why didn't you do something!?" He didn't say a word. "That's what I fucking thought! My whole reason for being here is to keep you and Rom alive! Don't like it!? Then go jump off a bridged! I know where my priorities lie! So a few more people die! So what!? That's life! It happens! I'd rather make sure the people I care about are okay!" Once again, everyone present was silent. In the much said words of Johnny: Angry G1 is angry. Out of nowhere, Archer cut Shirou's back wide open. Before the bowman could react, I transformed and punched his lights out.

"Come on, kid. Hold on. Prove to the world that you can fight whatever it throws at you, even this tool. Saber!" She darted up the stairs and grabbed him.

"Shirou!"

"Saber…" She turned to me after Shirou muttered out her name.

"Archer. Don't worry, I took him out before anything worse could happen." I hefted senor (Pretend the n has a squiggly line over it) douchebag over my shoulder and began to walk down the stairs.

"Assassin, will you not strike us down?"

"No, I will not. Your concern for your Master is captivating. That is enough for tonight. You may go."

"Thank you. Come on, Saber. Before he bleeds out." We left in peace and went our separate ways. When I got back with Archer I tied him up with pure iron chains that was covered in seals and enchantments. I'll deal with him in the morning. I stripped down to my boxers and crawled into bed. Neptune wrapped her arms around me.'

"Hey, you're back…"

"Yeah. Had some stuff to deal with. Still have some that I've got to take care of tomorrow."

"Boo…Don't worry about it and sleep."

"That's the plan." I closed my eyes and awaited morning.

So, it turns out that trying to type with one hand when the other has four stitches in it takes a long time. This is what I get for being stupid and trying to grab an electric hedge trimmer by the blade before it completely stopped. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Good thing I'm not a lefty. As always, please review and see you next time.