I bet none of you saw this one coming. But yes, it was ridiculously hard not making this one dirtier than it already is. Again, I'm really glad that you all are enjoying this story!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication by Joshua and David Keay. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own The Avengers, who of course belong to Marvel. I think that's it.
Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is underlined is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is bolded and underlined is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious.
Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization.
OFFICIAL NOTICE
DECLARATION OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS (Form: V-22)
Statement:
Dear (Name of Recipient) Director Fury, I wish to inform you that I consider you to be a very (Superlative) superb human being, a quality which I consider (Adjective of Magnitude) amazingly attractive. Frankly, the world is filled with many (Undesirable Human Quality) icky people, though you are far more (Remarkable Characteristic) intelligent than them. I find myself daydreaming about (Plotline of Your Fantasy) being called to your office where you admit that you always wanted me to be closer to you, I throw my arms around you and we admit our love to the world. Your (Body Parts (Plural)) eyes are like (Rare or Precious Thing) palladium and your (Body Part (Singular)) mouth reminds me of (Something Desirable) vibranium. I would happily (An Extreme Act) murder the World Security Council in order to (Purpose of Such An Absurd Act) make you completely in charge from now until forever. I can only hope that you feel the same (Euphemism For Attraction) adoration toward me. I eagerly anticipate your candid reply. Sincerely, your (Relationship to Recipient) for now subordinate/future wife and lover, (Name of Sender) (very) special agent Maria Hill.
Extent of Interest:
Confused—I Have A Bit Of A Crush—Infatuated
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X
I Have Felt This Way Since:
I Was Born—We Met—This Morning
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X
Suggested Activities:
Gazing
Flirting
Conversing
Dancing
Kissing
Copulating
Breeding
Cohabiting
Knot-Tying
Growing Old
Please Reply:
Immediately
At Your Leisure
No Reply Necessary
In Writing
And/Or In Person
With Enthusiasm
Disclaimer:
This notice is intended to alert you to my feelings at the moment. Feelings may change rapidly and without further notice. In the event that you are interested, act quickly.
Further Notation:
Please Refrain From The Use of Poetry—Hey, Agent Hill. This is the Avengers. In case you haven't realized, this is blackmail. We have several copies of this Form on hand, some with a few changes. One we actually let Tony write himself. I think you can imagine what it says. And, in case you were wondering, we've also written a few that could plausibly be yours, especially since Agents Coulson and Romanoff are experts at copying handwriting. This is Form is to let you know that if you don't give Clint Barton his medical discharge so he can be with the rest of us, we will be sending one of our Forms to the Director.
I think you know what you have to do.
Agent Hill glared furiously at the Form she was just handed. She didn't respond well to blackmail; never did, as a matter of fact. She was unwavering that way. She did not like to be forced into anything, especially since it was usually a bad situation that just made things worse. Hill believed quite firmly that if you showed even a little bit of hesitation others would walk all over you. And Agent Hill did NOT get to the position she had today be letting others trample her into the ground.
She set off at a brisk pace down the hallways of the Helicarrier, viciously growling. A few agents who passed her quickly looked away and hurried away as fast as they could. Good. They should have a healthy fear and worry of their commanders. Some would call it respect. Agent Hill preferred not lying to herself; if she couldn't trust herself, who could she trust?
As she expected, Agent Coulson was sitting as calm as can be in the break room. He liked to keep his non-habits, even after being off active duty during his 'death'. Hill had to admit, even she didn't see his faked death coming; she thought for sure that he was actually dead. Fury was still as devious as always.
Hill slammed the accursed Form down on the table in front of his egg salad sandwich. Someone must have cleaned out the good sandwiches. She couldn't help but feel vindictive. To her frustration, Coulson merely looked up with that stupid, trademarked mild expression on his face. The most he gave her was a slightly raised eyebrow that just made her hackles raise as well.
"What's this?" she demanded. Coulson glanced at the Form and then back up at her. Damn him, he even looked amused.
"I believe it is a Form declaring your romantic feelings for our director," he said simply. "I do have to say, Maria, I didn't think you would choose some of these phrases. I guess it's true what they say about girls in love-"
Hill slammed her hands down again, cutting him off. "You know that is a damn lie, and sexist to boot. If Agent Romanoff were here, she'd slit your throat."
"Then I suppose it's a good thing she's not here," Phil said. Hill didn't believe his misogynism for an instant. He was just trying to get a rise out of her, and she was loath to admit that it was working. He knew exactly how to get under her skin.
"The point is," she ground out, "I'm not going to give in to your team's blackmailing efforts. For one thing, I'm not even in a direct position to oversee Agent Barton's treatment, let alone decide when he gets out of it. For another, I believe he still needs to be observed for a longer period of time. He's uncooperative, and a loose cannon. He shouldn't be allowed back out in the field."
"You know as well as I do that he was always like that," Coulson said sharply. "He was good enough then, and he's good enough now. In case you're still worried, though, he won't even be working for S.H.I.E.L.D. directly. Agent Barton has been chosen, like Agent Romanoff, to be part of the Avengers Initiative. Yes, they weren't originally supposed to take part but I believe that their actions during the Manhattan Invasion have more than proven their worth."
"Fine," Hill snapped. "Spin your stories, have your favorites become superheroes. I don't care. Just leave me out of this!"
For the first time in the conversation, Coulson actually looked guilty. "I'm sorry, Maria. But we've looked it up, and Barton can only be released early with either the consent of his direct medical supervisor or…have an agent with commanding level clearance order his release. As his immediate supervisor and handler, I'm too…attached to do so objectively."
Hill took a deep, steadying breath. She hated it when they fought. He had a gift for making her feel like the bad guy. "I don't know what you want me to say, Phil. Under what grounds would I have for releasing him?"
Coulson smiled at her. "You're resourceful, Agent Hill. I'm sure you can think of something." With that, he stood up, gathered the remains of his sandwich and made a graceful exit from the room. A passing agent glanced back at him, a shocked look on his face. He must not have heard that Coulson was still alive yet. Maybe he wasn't Level Seven.
"I still don't appreciate being blackmailed, Coulson!" she shouted after his retreating back. She groaned, looking back at the Form. Even if Fury didn't believe it (which she really doubted he would), other agents would. Unfortunately, intelligence wasn't necessarily a high priority for new recruits.
Well, if there was one thing she could do it was intimidate those at medical who thought they were all that. Sometimes, it wasn't that bad knocking others down a peg or two.
